A/N: I don't own Twilight. If I did, there would be a whole chapter dedicated to the magnificence that is Edward's peen.
It's Saturday night and once again, Alice and Ange are dolling me up. Rose is a lost cause; I don't even expect her to show up anymore. Hell, I'm lucky if she calls to let me know she's still alive. I doubt she's seen the light of day since Emmett's come into her life. They're the two horniest, freakiest sons-a-bitches I've ever seen. I swear, one day they're gonna spontaneously combust from the sheer magnitude of their nuclear-powered lust. Like two colliding sex grenades or some shit.
There was a time when we hadn't heard from Rose for weeks, she didn't answer her phone or return our calls. Needless to say, we were worried shitless, so I decided to go to her place to make sure she was okay.
I had a key, so I let myself in and found them fucking in the middle of the living room with Chaka Khan's "Tell Me Something Good"playing in the background. Emmett's big ass arms were effortlessly supporting Rose's body, gripping her ass while he pounded into her, mid-air—wearing swimming goggles and a cape. Rose was clad in thigh-high stiletto boots, cat ears and had a ball-gag in her mouth. Empty Jell-O snack packs, Jolly Rancher wrappers and colored chalk were littered around the room. I didn't know whether to cry, scream or commit myself to the nearest mental facility. So I settled on the next best thing: puking.
They heard my loud dry heaving/sobbing and looked in my direction, clearly surprised by their unexpected visitor. Emmett paused the kink-fest, looking really conflicted. After about ten seconds of complete silence, he blurted out, "Shit. Rosy-Baby, I can't stop," *grunt* "too fuckin' good. Ung. Sorry, Bella."
He then continued to assault my best friend's cooch with his magic stick. Rose then threw her head back, closed her eyes and continued her porn quality moaning and writhing like I wasn't in the room trying to claw my eyes out. Horny bastards didn't even have the decency to stop! I couldn't even begin to comprehend what the fuck was going on and where the Jolly Ranchers came into play. And my sanity wasn't worth finding out. That was the day I gave Rose back her key, seriously considering a lobotomy as I escaped to my car.
"Earth to Bella!" Angela snaps her fingers in front of my face.
"Oh, sorry. I was just having a waking nightmare. I started thinking about Rose and Em. Gross."
"I'll bet money that Rose'll be pregnant in the next two months. No condom or pill is strong enough to fight off the gallons of sperm he's dumping into her snatch," Alice tells me and Angela while doing my hair.
"It's inhuman. I just... I don't even have words anymore."
Angela giggles and tells us, "She called me the other day, worried because melted Velveeta cheese accidentally got into her butthole. How on earth does cheese accidentally come anywhere near your butt?"
We all start cracking up because this shit is just unheard of. Who does that? Scratch that. Who would think to do that? Cheese + Asshole = Jesus weeping.
"So, this Eric character, he's a nice guy?" I ask Angela, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"Yeah, Bella. He's so sweet. I've never actually spoken to him because he's really quiet and shy. But Ben wouldn't be roomies with just anyone. He's a bit of a geek—but a cute geek!"
"Alright, Bella. Time for you to go," Alice says, looking at me with sad eyes. "You're meeting him at the Red Lobster. I already put the directions onto your GPS. Now shoo!"
I thank them, give out hugs, grab my purse and head to my car. As I step inside and start the engine, I start to amp myself up. Might as well be positive, I don't want this to be a miserable date before it even begins. I'll have a good time. Angela says he's nice and I believe her. This'll be fun, and if it's not, at least I'm getting some cheddar biscuits out of it. I'm freakin' starving. Fifteen minutes later and I'm pulling up to the restaurant.
I take a deep breath and head inside, walking over to the hostess who greets me warmly. We exchange smiles and I tell her I'm there to meet someone.
She looks down at the podium for a few seconds before smiling up at me. "I'm sorry Miss Swan, he hasn't arrived yet. But I'll be happy to show you to your table, where you can sit until he arrives." I comply and she walks me to a table near the back. About ten minutes later, a baby-faced guy is headed in my direction. This must be him. I smile as he nears the table.
"I am Eric," he says while pulling me out of the chair. "Rise, my friend," he shocks the hell out of me by hugging me. "Ah, what an amazing smell you've discovered."
"Oh. Um, thanks. It's called Pink Sugar."
"Come here, I won't hurt you," he sits in his chair and gestures toward mine, indicating he'd like me to sit. "Want something to eat?"
"Yes, that's why we're here, right?" I chuckle nervously and he grins at me.
The waiter comes over to take our orders. I place mine first and Eric points a menu item out to the waiter, letting him know what he'd like to eat.
"Alright, will that be all for now?"
"Yes," Eric snaps while making a shooing gesture with his hand. "Into the garbage chute, flyboy!"
Weird. The waiter shoots a questioning glance toward Eric before walking away, mumbling under his breath. What the hell's a 'flyboy'?
There's a long awkward silence. We just sit there, looking everywhere but at each other. Finally, I decide to break the ice.
"So, Eric, what do you do?"
"I am a member of Imperial Senate, on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."
Come again?
"Oh, okay," I say. I mean really, how am I supposed to respond to that?
He waves his hand dismissively.
"Boring conversation, anyway. Luke, we have company. But now we must eat. Come good food, come..."
Why is he talking like that? Mental impairment, maybe? And who the hell is Luke? I look around and see our waiter coming with the food.
"Oh, our waiter's name is Luke?" I ask, confused.
Eric chuckles while shaking his head.
"Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is."
I know this ass-cricket didn't just call me stupid!
"Excuse me?!" I ask while picking up my knife, preparing to cut my food.
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed!" he yells with wide eyes.
Wow.
The waiter places our plates on the table. Eric bends his nose down to his food and takes a long sniff.
"Aaaah, yes, the Force is strong with this one!"
The Force? Oh, Lord, not Star Wars. He has every line memorized?! Kill me now, please.
We eat our food in completely awkward silence. Eric finally finishes and pushes his plate away. I'm looking at the dessert menu when Eric makes a walkie-talkie type noise and then exclaims, "This is Red 5. I'm going in!"
"Wha--?"
I look up from the menu just in time to see him climbing over the table, tongue darting out, diving for my face.
I quickly back my chair away from the table to escape his slimy vibrating tongue.
"Eric! What the hell are you doing?!"
He sits back in his chair with a look of defeat. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
I'm speechless.
The waiter comes back right at that moment to take our plates and asks if we want any dessert. Eric turns toward the guy. "I don't think the Empire had Wookies in mind when they made her, Chewie," he says, pointing in my direction.
Is that supposed to be a compliment? Still speechless.
The poor guy just looks at me, then back to Eric, rolls his eyes and walks off.
I sigh, getting more annoyed by the second. "Eric, will you please just talk, I don't know, like a normal person?"
"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?"
"Will you just STOP with the Luke Skywalker impersonations?"
"It's against my programming to impersonate a deity."
I've had enough, I'm getting a migraine. If this guy says one more Star Wars quote, I think I might lose it. I close my eyes and rub my temples.
"Look, Eric, you're a nice guy, but--"
"I find your lack of faith disturbing. Use the Force, Isabella."
That's it. I'm gone. I reach down to grab my purse off of the floor.
"Okay, I tried. I just can't. Nice meeting you, Yoda."
"You want... to have sex with me."
I stop dead in my tracks. He seriously thinks I want to screw him? I look at him, shock clearly etched on my face.
"Wh--What?"
He slowly waves his hands in front of his face like a magician or something. "You want... to have sex with me."
"No, Eric. No, I don't. You need more help than even the Force can handle."
He keeps up with the arm movements, eyes wide and intense, staring straight into my eyes. "You WANT to have sex with me."
It then dawns on me what he's trying to do.
"Jedi mind tricks? Seriously?" I ask in disbelief.
"I need a new strategy..." he says while rubbing his chin in thought. "You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home." He stands up from the table, grabbing his coat.
"Oh, hell no. Think again Anakin, you're not going home with me."
His eyes widen in shock and anger spreads across his face. He forcefully thrusts a finger in my direction.
"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take her away!" he yells to the family of four sitting at the table next to us. Their toddler starts crying.
"What the hell, Eric? Stop it!" I hiss.
I guess we were louder than I thought because the manager comes over and asks if there's a problem.
"Yeah, R2D2 here is full of damn crazy, that's the problem. He's freakin' obsessed with Star Wars, need I say more?" I tell him while getting up to leave.
Apparently Eric's tirade isn't over. "I mean it! Take her!" he screams at the manager still angrily thrusting his finger at me.
I apologize to the manager and hurriedly walk to the door. Eric has caused quite a scene and everyone is looking in my direction as I leave, whispering and pointing.
"REBEL!!! TRAITOR!!!... ARGH!!!" is the last thing I hear Eric screaming, before the door closes behind me.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
As I'm driving home, I can't believe that this is my life. I'm done with this. I just can't do it anymore. It was fun while it lasted. No more blind dates. Ever. I'd rather do internet dating. No. Hell no. None of that either. Maybe I was just meant to be single. I should get a cat. And another dildo. Maybe two dildos.
My cell starts ringing as I pull into my parking space. I look at the caller ID. Alice.
"Hey, Al. What's up?"
"Is your date over?"
I groan loudly, "Yeah. Don't ask."
"Good! We're going out tonight!"
Out?! To a club? Do I dare hope to see Club Guy? A face-splitting smile breaks across my face at the thought of seeing him again.
"Okay. I'll be at your place in 30 minutes."
A/N:
Will Club Guy be there? Hmmm....
How the hell did Rose get cheese in her asshole? And what was up with the chalk?! So many questions, so little time :-)
Big thanks to coachlady1 for being the bestest beta in the whole, wide world!
If you're not reading Goodnight, Noises Everywhere by Feisty Y. Beden, you're seriously missing out. It's a post apocalyptic world where even the stars are dying and Bella is the last survivor. So good!
Until next time! Smooches! ^_^