A/N:
So it seems as though the consensus is: Edward is far from noble, but he's not a total dickmongler. Ha! My awesomely hawt beta coachlady1 has helped a lot with the development of this story. I don't know what I'd do without her and her pervy brain.
Oh, it's been brought to my attention that the crazy girlfriend/dead parent scenario has already been in another fic. I had no idea and feel kinda sucky about it because I thought I was being all smart-like and original. But hey, with over 150,000 Twilight fics, something like this is bound to happen, right?...
I don't own Twilight. If I did, Jasper's peen would've had a prominent role in the book. Get it? Prominent? Hehehe!
*************
After the rule making, snuggling and sleeping, Edward stayed over for the weekend. We had a great time getting to know one another. He's such an intriguing man, I feel as though I could spend the rest of my life trying to discover every little quirk that makes him uniquely Edward.
I finally had to kick him out of my place when we started getting a little too comfortable. It's extremely hard being around him due to the out of this world attraction between us; we just cannot keep our hands to ourselves. Hand holding and hugging eventually turned into a grope-fest that would have turned into hot gorilla sex had I not stopped it. Turning him away was ridiculously hard to do, but I knew that I would feel like a shitcake afterwards, had I lost control. My conscience just wouldn't let me do it.
Before he left, we shared a long hug and stared at each other, resting our foreheads together, giving each other Eskimo kisses. Any passerby would have probably been nauseous at our sugary sweet display, but we didn't care. So many unspoken words passed between us in those few minutes, and I knew exactly what he was feeling. Our connection is just unreal at times.
Sleeping without him that first night was pretty hard. I was extremely frustrated while tossing and turning, fuming because my body had gone over 20 years sleeping just fine by itself. Then Edward comes along and in a few measly nights, my body can't cope with sleeping without his body under mine. Unbelievable.
Here it is, the following Friday, and I've called a DPC (Daiquiri, Pizza & Chick-Flicks) with the girls. When one of us calls a DPC, it doesn't matter what anyone's doing... sex, shopping, working, sex, sleeping, sex... When a DPC is called, you drop whatever you're doing and get to the troubled BFF A.S.A.F.P.
Twenty minutes later and my girls are all gathered in my living room. Angela's putting How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days in the DVD player, Rose is setting the drinks on the table and Alice is piling pizza onto our plates. When they're all done with the set-up, they turn to me with expectant faces, waiting for me to spill it. I decide to stay quiet for a few minutes to fuck with their heads.
After about ten minutes of my silence, Rose huffs, "Jesus, Bella! Are you gonna talk or what? I could be home fucking Emmett right now! Do you know the things he had planned tonight? Huh?! He was gonna—"
"First off, hell to the no. No one wants to hear about how Emmett is gonna suck gummy worms out of your cooch. Or how he wants to eat Cap'N Crunch and Toaster Strudel frosting off of your ass cheeks, okay? We've all accidentally been exposed to the fuckery and we'd like to keep hearing about it to a minimum to keep the night terrors at bay. Thank you."
The girls snicker and Rose rolls her eyes. I then tell them about how I found Club Guy, the chemistry, him coming back to my place, the girlfriend situation and our rules.
"So what?" Rose asks when I'm finished with my story. "Are you just gonna sit at home being all gloomy and shit until he's single?"
"Of course!" Alice exclaims. "He's the one, Rosalie, of course she's gonna wait for him! It will be so worth it in the end! I'd wait forever for my Jas, as I'm sure you and Ange would wait for Em and Ben. Right, Angela?"
"Um... weeeelllll... he has a girlfriend, guys. I don't think it'd be healthy for Bella to just put her life on hold—"
"Of course I'm not going to put my life on hold! Yes, Edward is it for me, but I refuse to sit around moping and shit. When he's ready, I'll be here. But until then, I'm still going to date."
"WHAT?!?!"
"Al, sheesh! calm down—"
"Calm DOWN?! After everything I went through and you're just gonna go... fuck with other guys?! You know he's your soulmate and you're still going to date losers and weirdos?! I almost lost Jasper trying to find Edward!!! And you just go throw it back in my fucking face?! I am done, Bella!"
My jaw hits the fucking floor. I've never seen Alice lose her shit and she only reserves cussing for seriously asshole-ish situations. I look at my friends to find Rose and Angela wearing expressions similar to mine.
"What? Alice, you know I would never do—"
"Do I know, Bella? Do I ?! Because I thought you wanted—"
"Al, calm down, please. I don't want you to be upset. Just calm down."
"I'm leaving. I don't need to hear any more of this bullshit! I'm going home to my husband to show him how much I appreciate him and to let him know he's the only man for me."
I cringe at her not-so-subtle jab as she quickly grabs her purse and makes a mad dash for the door.
"Alice, you know I don't like fighting with you. Please don't leave!" I run and block her way through the door. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you. Let's just sit down so we can talk."
"Talk? You wanna talk?! Let's talk about the thousands of dollars I spent on bribes to find your precious Edward. The same Edward who has made it abundantly clear that you're the only one for him. Or we can talk about the times when you would lock yourself in this house for weeks at a time, lonely, depressed and ignoring my phone calls. How about the money spent on the marriage counseling that Jas and I went through? I was so hell bent on finding Club Guy that I put my life— You know what? I don't need to explain any of this, Isabella. You obviously don't care what the hell I went through. So you just go right on ahead. Just go on your little dates, fuck all of these random men and ruin your only chance at happiness—"
"Alice, that's enough!" I look back and see Rose walking toward us. "You know damn well that Bella would never do anything to hurt you. I think that was made painfully obvious when she refused to talk with you about Edward because she didn't want you feeling guilty. You know, since you literally yanked him out of her life and all. He's in a goddamn relationship, Alice. What the fuck do you expect? For her to sit at home with her thumb up her ass, listening to Sinead O'Conner like some emo asshole? So damn what if she wants to date these dudes, it's not like she's gonna fuck 'em. We all know she's a goddamn prude!... No offense, Bella."
I cross my arms and roll my eyes.
"Going on these dates will help the time go by faster for her and she'll have some entertaining company as well. We can't be here with her 24/7. She needs someone to keep her out of a damn funk because you and I both know how pathetic she gets when she's all lonely and self-deprecating and shit... No offense, Bella."
I scoff and flip her off. Bitch.
"Ali, you know good and goddamn well that if you were in her situation, every damn second without Jas would be a fucking eon! You'd probably go fucking bat-shit crazy, just sitting around, waiting. And speaking of Jasper, we get it, okay? You almost lost him and that sucks. It really does. But if you were honest with him about what the fuck you were doing and where you were going, you never would have needed counseling and shit in the first place. Bella never asked you to find Edward. That shit's on you. So you spent a stupid amount of money to find him. And? She didn't ask you to. You took it upon your damn self to do business with those shady ass sons-a-bitches. You decided to be all sneaky and shit, going behind our backs to find Edward because you wanted help your best friend out in any way you could. Now you turn around and rub the hardships that you brought upon yourself in her face and make her feel like a dinosaur shit-fossil when she doesn't do things the Alice way... Well, congratulations Mrs. Whitlock, you are officially the biggest cunt muffin on the planet. Your prize will be that this petty bullshit will never be brought the hell up again. Now shut the fuck up, close your big ass mouth, sit the fuck down and watch this fucking movie because I'll be damned if this night is wasted. I could've been fucking Emmett!" With that, she turns on her heel and angrily sashays away.
Alice looks stupefied as she stiffly walks back to the living room, plops down on the couch and stares off into space like a zombie.
Angela looks like she's seen a ghost and is awkwardly staring at the floor, picking at imaginary lint.
I'm still standing at the door with my arms dangling at my sides, eyes bugging out of my head.
Rose is sprawled out in front of the TV watching the movie, laughing loudly, guffaws muffled by a mouth stuffed with pizza as if she didn't just hand Alice her own ass on a silver platter.
*************
The next week passes fairly quickly. Alice apologized for how she acted and all was forgiven. Besties can never stay mad for too long. She doesn't agree with my continuing to see other men, but she can understand where I'm coming from.
Edward's girlfriend has been a little more off of her rocker than usual, so he's been spending every day with her, talking her off the ledge, so to speak. We resorted to talking on the phone multiple times a day, but even that eventually led the way to Phone Sex Boulevard. I had to put a stop to that because phone sex is sex. So we then decided we'd communicate by text messaging until we were cooled down enough to speak on the phone. Needless to say, we spent all week texting.
I didn't know how to break the news that I'd be dating other men, so I just didn't bring it up. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?
So here I sit, on a park bench with Sam, eating cute little finger-foods on a rare sunny day. The date has been pretty decent so far, but I know not to let my guard down just yet. He seems like a decent enough guy, though. Handsome, nice job, nice car, sweet and thoughtful. There's one odd problem: he keeps excusing himself to the bathroom. I find this really weird because public park toilets are disgusting and I don't know anyone who uses them. I wonder if he has IBS. He comes back from the restroom and apologizes for the seventh time.
"I'm so sorry, you must think horribly of me," he tells me, sitting down, grabbing a sandwich off of the table.
"No, not at all," I assure him. "It's fine, really," I say before taking a bite out of a strawberry. I feel a little trickle of juice slide down the corner of my mouth.
"Whoops!" I chuckle while reaching for a napkin. "How embarrassing! I'm such a klutz—"
In the middle of wiping my mouth, I look up and see Sam's right arm swiftly moving up and down. Ummm....
"What are you doing, Sam? What's wrong with your arm?"
"Ung... oh shit... I couldn't stop myself. Couldn't make it... to bathroom. Fuuuck. You're just so... sexy. Strawberries..." The rest of Sam's words are garbled and hard to make out. His eyes are rolling into the back of his head and his other hand is fiercely gripping the edge of the table. What the hell is he doing?... Oh! Oh. Hell. No. This fool is jacking off under this damn table!
"Sam! This is a family park—there are kids here! What the hell are you doing?!"
"Fuck, baby, you're so sexy when you're angry." His arm is working double-time now, moving at warp speed... it's like a hummingbird wing or some shit. I didn't know a human arm could move so fast. He must practice a lot. Poor thing. I'd be surprised if he has any skin left on his sausage after rubbing it so fast. Wait, what the hell am I thinking?
"Stop it!" I can't believe this is actually happening. This man is pleasuring himself and little kids are running around, playing on the jungle gym! I give him the ultimate laser-death glare of doom, which is reserved for only the most dire of situations.
"Bellllllllllllaaaaaaaaa! Yes! Keep looking at me like that! So Close! Ung... Yes!"
A mom pushing a baby stroller walks by us and does a double take at Sam. She gasps and pulls out her cell phone. Sam is oblivious since I doubt he can hear anything over his obscenely loud moaning. Plus his eyes are now in the back of his skull. More stroller pushing moms begin to congregate around Nosey Mom Number 1, pointing and gasping. I take that as my cue to leave before To Catch A Predator is called to the scene. I snag a few cookies and sandwiches before hightailing it out of there. Thank goodness I drove myself!
On my way home, Edward calls and I forget all about Sam and his compulsive masturbation.
"Edward," I sigh in delight. Just saying his name makes me giddy. And incredibly horny. Mmmmm, Edward...
"Hey, Beautiful. Are you busy? Can I come over?" Yes, please. Can I come? Preferably on your magic stick, but your face is also an acceptable option...
"Nope, not busy at all. Are you hungry? I have sandwiches and cookies," and condoms...
"Condoms?"
Oops, did I say that part out loud?
************
A/N:
So I was going to make a Blind Dates Outtakes, but with coachlady1's help, decided to have Bella continue on with dating. So outtakes won't be necessary. Yay!
Is Rosalie badass or what?! Haha!
Okay, I'm determined to get this dress link to work, damnit! FFnet will not defeat me! *shaking fist in the air* Close the gaps, beauties :-)
www . edressme . com / pleather-dress-17 .html
Until next time, my loverlies! Smooches! ^_^