A/N:
Did you all see the new 90 second Eclipse trailer? SQUEEEEEEE! I'm so excited! *does the jig*
I don't own Twilight. If I did, Rachel LeFevre would still have a job. BOOOOO to the new Victoria!
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"So, Teddy Ruxpin," I ask Edward, "are you up for another game of 'Aimless Questions'?"
Aimless Questions is a game we came up with a few weeks ago. It's similar to 20 Questions, but we just keep going until we're either interrupted or we fall asleep. Yeah, we can go on for hours asking random, stupid stuff.
He laughs at me. "Jesus, how many nicknames are you gonna come up with?"
"However many I can think of, DWard."
"But Teddy Ruxpin, though?"
"Yeah, well, Ted is a nickname for Edward. So naturally I think of Teddy, which leads to Teddy Ruxpin. Cute, right?"
"Suuuure."
"So, do you wanna play or not? It's gonna be a while before the others get here. And it's not like we can pass the time with other activities." I say the last sentence barely above a whisper.
"Hey." He lifts my chin with his finger. "I'm sorry. So sorry, Beautiful. I hate seeing you like this, I hate that I'm the one hurting you. I promise, tomorrow will be the end of it. I don't care if it has to be done by phone or fucking email. I'm ending it."
Fucking finally! I can't believe I'll have my lips on Edward's... everything, tomorrow! I fight the strong urge to scream and jump his bones on the spot. But I can't help but feel a little bad. What if she blows her brains out after he leaves her? Oh, look at him lick those lips. That tongue. Oh my. Wait, what was I thinking again? Something about lobster?
"Alright, come here, Beautiful."
He grabs my hand and we sit on the floor facing each other with our legs crossed, knees touching.
"Okay," I say, "I'll go first... What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book?"
"Hmmm... I'd have to say Hooper Humperdink...? Not Him! I used to feel that way as a kid. Excluded and lonely."
"Really? Why?"
"Well, I was short and gangly. Bad acne and geeky. I was a member of the Chess Club, Yearbook Club, Mathletes... you get the picture. So yeah, needless to say I was never invited to the cool kid parties. I was about the only one not invited." His face scrunches up as he remembers his youth. "Anyway, what about you? What's your favorite?"
Mmmm, a smart geeky Edward? Yes, please.
"There are so many that I love, but I think my absolute favorite wavers between The Lorax and I Am NOT Going To Get Up Today! Sometimes—well, most times, really, I haaaate getting up in the mornings and wish I could just sleep all day. I love The Lorax because it was my first glimpse into seeing the greed in the world. It kinda opened my eyes at a young age. It was really sad and touching."
"You know they're making a movie based off of The Lorax?" he asks me.
"No effin' way! That's awesome! I just hope they don't screw it up like they did Cat in the Hat."
"You didn't like Cat in the Hat?" he asks, dumbfounded.
"Hell no!" I scoff. "It's supposed to be a freakin' kids' movie and it's chock-full of sexual innuendo. What the hell is that all about? It kinda pissed me off, honestly."
"Okay, my turn, before you bust a gasket... What's your favorite game show?"
"Easy, Family Feud. One day, when our kids are old enough, I'm dragging all of you to California so we can play. I'll totally kick ass in the Fast Money Round. What's your—what?" I notice that Edward has a strange look on his face. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Oh—ah... no reason." He clears his throat. Mmmkaaay. I decide to ask another question. Obviously something I said unnerved him.
"Who's your favorite superhero?" I ask him.
"Batman. I like him because he's just this regular guy with cool gadgets. He kind of gives hope to regular Joe Shmoes, makes 'em feel like they can be somebody, too. Well, at least I felt that way growing up. Who's your favorite?"
"Wolverine, all the way. He'd beat any other hero to a bloody, colostomy bag using pulp. Honestly, he should have his own shrine in D.C. just for his sheer badassery."
"So you're a Marvel Comics gal?"
"Hell yeah! DC Comics are lame. Plastic Man? Pffft. He's about as tough as a baby's skull. Aqua Man? Uncool. Elongated Man? Ultimate lame. Power Girl... I mean, really, who came up with these losers? A three year old could come up with cooler names."
"So you don't like Superman?"
"Nope. He's too damn perfect; he can do everything. No one can relate to that. Lame. Booo!"
"Wha?!... Well, since I don't want to cut you, I'm gonna have to change the subject... If you could wake up tomorrow with a super power, which one would you want?"
"I'd wanna be invisible, so I could rob the hell out of banks and spy on celebrities."
"I would love to be able to read minds... and run inhumanly fast and have perfect vision--"
"Okay! Damn, you're gonna hog all the powers!"
"Aw, don't worry, Baby. I'd protect you from all of the bad guys." He leans over and kisses the corner of my mouth. I close my eyes and sigh.
"Way to feed your fat ego," I say as he slowly backs away, "but I'd be the most awesome hero ever and definitely wouldn't need your measly help. I'd be president of the business of Ass Kickery. You'd be my janitor or some shit. Gotta make everyone feel important, no matter how sucky they are, ya know?"
"You talk a lot of shit, Beautiful."
"And I can back it up, too. My Kung Fu is strong."
"I might have to shut you up one day."
"I'd like to see you try, Wardie. Have you ever been stung by a bee?"
"Yeah. That shit hurt. Bad. You?"
"No, and I'm terrified of getting stung one day. If a bee is in my vicinity, I'll act a plumb fool and most likely embarrass the hell out of you. Screaming, arms thrashing wildly, running in circles, the Full Monty."
He laughs at the visual I've just given him and I push his chest. "Don't laugh at me! It's a perfectly legit fear!"
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. What's your biggest pet peeve?"
"Ugh! People smacking on their food. I hate that shit! No one wants to hear or see what's in your stupid mouth! You know a study has been done and it proved that people who smack are inconsiderate and selfish. I'm not surprised. The fuckers."
"Wow. Passionate, are we?"
"Shut it, Cullen." I turn around, stretch out my legs and lay my head in his lap. "What's your pet peeve?"
"Mmmm, I love your hair," he tells me while running his fingers through it.
I reach my hand up to the nape of his neck and grab a fistful of hair. "And I love yours. I love a lot of things about you." Fuck! That wasn't supposed to come out. Change the subject, Swan! "So... you never answered my question! What's your pet peeve?"
"Infomercials."
"Really?"
"Yeah, they're annoying as all hell. They make every day shit look impossible, like it can't be done without this miracle gizmo. For instance, the toothpaste dispenser thing that you put on your bathroom wall. That infomercial has people squeezing toothpaste all over the damn bathroom! Since when does anyone have that much trouble squeezing a soft ass tube of toothpaste? God forbid no one have a Touch N Brush! Don't want toothpaste flying on the walls, now do we? Dumb."
"Yeah, I've noticed that, too. Infomercials are pretty fucking stupid when you think about it. But I've been suckered in a few times."
"Oh yeah? For what?"
"Um... Snuggie, PedEgg, WEN, Ab Circle Pro and a few more I can't remember. Don't tell me you've never bought anything from an infomercial!"
"Never."
"You're an alien."
"Alien this!" He squeezes my nose and twists it back and forth.
"What does that have to do with you being an alien?!" I ask all nasally-sounding, trying to wiggle my nose out of his grip, flailing my arms all around.
"Nothing! I'm an alien. I don't have to make sense!"
He starts tickling my ribs and I squirm and snort. He's laughing at my snorting... we're just two laughing fools.
We're interrupted by loud knocking. He frowns and stops tickling me.
"Welp," I say standing up, using his head—with more force than needed—for balance, "looks like we'll have to continue another time." He gets up and smacks my ass before walking to the door to answer it while I walk to the kitchen for beers.
"Hey, Belly, where are you?... Oh, found ya!" Emmett comes stomping behind me into the kitchen. A few months into their relationship, Rose and Emmett decided to stop being conjoined at the genitals and leave the house like normal human beings. Em is funny as hell. His mouth takes some getting used to, but it's all good.
"You two weren't in here fuckin', were you? Or were you back here givin' my boy a Rusty Trombone? You were! Oooh, you dirty little thing, you!"
I roll my eyes and close the fridge. "Is everything about sex with you, Femmett, or can your mind actually form a sentence appropriate for normal adult conversation?"
"Nope, all perv, all the time, baby! Woot-woooot!" he yells while humping and smacking the ass of some poor imaginary air-person in front of him.
I laugh and walk out of the kitchen to my friends, shaking my head. A few times a month all of us couples get together and play stupid drinking games. Not that Edward and I are an official couple yet. I inwardly sigh as my stomach clenches, thinking about her. I place the six-packs on my coffee table and take deep breaths to squash that shit down. I've cried enough in the past few months to last a lifetime. I won't do it again. Not tonight.
I roll my eyes at myself, pick up a bottle of beer and down it in four gulps.
"Damn, girl! You got a talented throat, there. You wanna come back to the bathroom with me and—"
"Em, shut the fuck up! Damn!" Rose cuts him off mid-sentence.
"What? I was just gonna ask her to show me her new His & Hers sinks... right after I had her screaming my name." He starts playing with his nipples. "Ohhh, Emmett!" he yells in a high-pitched voice.
We all simultaneously roll our eyes.
"So what'll we play tonight?" I ask everyone.
"Categories!"
"Never Have I Ever!"
"Circle of Death!"
"Oh! Rhyme Time!"
"Well, since all of your suggestions suck taint and sweaty balls, we're playing Smile," Emmett says while crossing his arms and grinning, obviously proud of himself.
"What's that?" I ask, confused.
"We all sit at a table with our pants off. When it's someone's turn, they go under the table and do anything to anyone. No one above the table can smile. First person who smiles, loses and has to drink."
"Oh, hell no!" I yell. "That shit won't fly in this house. I like Categories. That sounds fun." Alice and Rose agree.
"Fine," Emmett huffs. "But let's play 60 Seconds first! Everyone pick a number. When the hand on the clock passes your number, you drink half of your beer."
We all sit in a circle, pick numbers and watch the clock. After a good twenty minutes, we're all pretty damn tipsy. Borderline drunk. Okay, maybe we're drunk.
"Alright, sluts, enough of this boring bullshit!" Rose slurs. "Let's play Caaaategoriiiieeees! I'll go first and then we'll go clockwise-like around here this way to Jasper then Alice then Edward then Bella then Emmett and meeee!!!... Here we gooo! The Category is muppets!"
"Fonziiiie!" Jasper slurs.
"Fonzie wasn't a goddamn muppet, you Tool Academy reject! He was the cool dude on Happy Days!" Emmett yells.
"Fuck!" Jas picks up his beer and downs it.
"Miss Piggy! Yay!"
"Kermit." *burp*"
"Abby Cadabby!"
"The fuck is Abby Cadabby? Drink, Belly. That shit didn't make no damn sense."
I shrug, pick up my beer and take a swig. I thought it was a damn good answer.
"Scientist Dude."
"That's not his name," Edward tells Emmett. "Drink up."
Emmett downs his beer.
"Beaker! He's the scientist! Woo hoo! Ooookay, Edwarrrrd you pick a category now 'cause it's your tuuuurn."
"Tissuuue paperrr... brands. Yeah."
"Charmin!"
"Angel Soft."
"Pooper Scooper!" Emmett knows he lost and gulps his drink down before anyone can tell him to.
"Aw, hell." Jasper picks up his beer and drinks it.
"Um..."
"NOPE! You PAUSED! No pausing! Drink, Polly Pocket!" Emmett shouts at Alice. She rolls her eyes and drinks her beer.
"Wal-Mart store brand."
"That's not a name!" Emmett whines.
"Yes it is."
"Fine, Eduardo. I'll let you get away it this time, but I'm watching you! Now it's my turn! Yay!"
"Um, noooo," I tell Em. "As you can flearly see here, I'm next to Ed, Edd & Eddie, so I goooo next. Dur! Score one for the little guy!" He pouts and crosses his arms. "Okay, catergormy is movies that make you cryyyy."
"Monsters, Inc."
We all stare at Emmett and hold back laughs.
"Titanic! Never let go, Jaaaack!"
"Aw, hell." Jasper picks up his beer and chugs.
"Steel Magnolias."
"Um..."
"You PAUSED, fucker! No pausing! Drink! You lose! Ha! Ha!"
Edward lazily flips Em the bird and drinks his beer.
"This isn't enough drinking for me, damnit! Let's do Truth or Dare With A Twist. If you pick Truth, you take three gulps. If you pick Dare, you take two gulps. You have two passes, if you use a pass, you take five gulps. I go first! Rosie, truth or dare?"
"Dare." She takes two big gulps.
"I dare you to kiss Bella on the lips. Oh, my God, this is gonna be so hot!" he giggles and claps his hands together excitedly.
"WHAAAAT?! No!" I yell. "No way, Jose!"
"Bells! Come oooon, it's no big deal. Jeeeez!" Rose garbles right before leaning over and placing a lingering kiss on my lips.
My eyes widen in shock and Emmett is fist pumping the air.
"Okay, my turn!" Rose exclaims. "Alice. Truth or dare?"
"Truth." She downs some beer.
"Have you ever faked an orgasm with Jasper?"
"Oh damnit, Rosalie!... Fine! Yessss!"
Jasper's face pales and Emmett is pointing in his face, laughing obnoxiously loud in his ear.
"Bella, truth or dare?" Alice asks me.
"Um. Dare?" I tip my bottle back.
"I dare you to flash Edward your boobage!"
I stumble over and sit in Edward's lap so my boobs are right in his face and slowly pull my shirt up.
"Holy shit. Holy shit." I feel his arousal between my legs and bite back a moan. Before getting off of his lap, I press my naked chest against his and lick his ear. Saucy!
"Okay, Rosie Posie. Truth or dare for the fare in your hair... with a pair?" My rhyming skills are awesome when I drink. I should write this shit down!
"Dare, of course. Pfffft!" She takes a few swigs.
"Does Emmett have the biggest... thing-a-ling..." *Giggle* "out of all the guys you've been with?"
"Whoops! Pass!" She downs her whole beer. Edward and Jasper snicker. I snort loudly and cover my mouth to smother the giggles.
"Fuck you! Fuck all of you... fuckheads!" Emmett's eyes are bulging as he points at each one of us accusingly.
"Whoah, Em! Ssso eloquent! You sssshould talk better, like, ya know? Read the dicttttionary to expand your thinking powerrr. Free your mind and your ass will follow." Whoah, I'm so deep. I should write a book: The Deepness of Bella Swan--Wear Your Floaties Or You'll Drown...
"Aw, Emmett, it's okay," Jasper assures Em while obviously trying not to laugh. "Steroids will do that to your Love Log. Nothin' to be ashamed of, bromosexual."
"Fuck you, fuckface DUMBsper! Fuck you to hell with an icicle up your ass!"
"Em, calm doooown. We'll talk," *exaggerated wink* "about it later, mmmkay?" Rose says, calmly.
He pouts pathetically. "With the fishnets and pudding pops?"
"Yes, baby. Now, moving ooon. Edwarrrd, truth or dare?"
"What the hell? I'll go wiiiith dare." He takes a few hefty drinks.
"I dare you to—"
Rose is cut off by loud banging on the door. Who the hell could that be? Alice gets up to answer the door. A few seconds later, I hear a lot of yelling, a female is arguing with Alice. The hell? All of a sudden, some weird looking woman stomps into the room.
She's really short, fried bleached hair pulled back in a severe bun. Her ensemble would make a hooker blush: a yellow latex tube top paired with a skin-tight electric blue micro mini skirt. A bright green Chiquita Banana-looking hat perched on top of her head finishes the look. Okay, this bitch is crazy. She has on four inch strappy heels and her feet make my stomach hurt. Her toes are long and pale and wrinkly with a few corns and bunions dusted around for good measure. Her toenails are thick, yellow and crusty. Gross! Them shits look sick, like they have Swine Flu or some shit.
Edward loudly gasps. "JAAAANE?!"
..................Jane? Oh. Hell. No.
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A/N:
Ruh-roh! The girlfriend! Bet you guys thought the girlfriend was Tanya, huh? Hehehe!
coachlady1= Hawt MILF with a big ol' brain.
Until next time! Smooches! ^_^