AN: It's been a long time. How are you?

A couple issues to address:

1. It's a HUGE honor to have a whole category for my webcomic on FF If you'd like to read some of the fics, you can do so here: /comic/Honeydew_Syndrome/

2. I've changed my pen name. I'd been wanting to do so for a long time, as I don't really go by cloverx anymore. I wanted my writings to all be under one name. Sorry for the inconvenience.

IT's NOT sanE

cHAPter 13

"In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."

-Oscar Wilde

"Ewwwww," she said.

" 'Ew.' " I meant it as a question.

"Yes. Ew. You know, like 'ick' or 'blegh'."

She scrunched her nose up at me for emphasis.

"Ew."

I stared at her in what I hoped was a way that made her blood curdle, her soul burn, and her body writhe (not like that). Alas, she didn't seem to be curdling or burning, unless you counted her attitude. And far as writhing went, well….well, perhaps it's better if I didn't think about her writhing. That was a bad word to choose. It had all sorts of slippery connotations. Slippery. Wrong word. Fuck.

"Putting your apparently abusive use of a thesaurus aside, I need these papers to be filed. And if I'm not mistaken, you're being paid to do so, so do it."

"I'd prefer not to."

This time there was no accompanying facial scrunch. Just fact. Why, why do I torture myself?

"While I momentarily ponder why I could possibly have ever entertained the thought of rehiring after firing you, and think instead about the reasons I didn't want you around, you may sit there and 'prefer not to', but know that your preferences do not matter to human resources when they remove you from pay roll."

"Let me momentarily help you ponder," she smiled. "Now, let's think for a moment…Now, work with me here…" she looked loftily towards the unexposed sky, her hands raised in a wistful manner.

"If I recall correctly, you didn't fire me, I quit. And even if part of you didn't want me around, the parts that did far outweigh that one that didn't, seeing as you came crawling to get me back. And I say parts because the one below your belt that wanted me around would have to be accompanied by many larger parts to weigh any notable amount.

"And on the topic of human relations, have them send a note up here informing my boss that filing his business acquisitions is not in my job description, and if he wants to see me this bad, he doesn't need to make up work for me to do, all he has to do is ask nicely. In fact, even if he did make up some work for me, if he dislodged the pole in his rectum and were polite about it, I might even consider doing what he requested. But, as it is, the only filing that will be done right now is that of my boss, into his office.

Even I didn't catch all of that. Her ability to rant was astounding. But I caught enough to play along. I always do.

"I see. So hypothetically speaking, if I were to say… 'Higurashi, come into my office…'"

"Please."

All right, I'll play.

" 'Higurashi, come into my office…please'. Are you saying you'd do it?"

"I'd prefer not to."

"Then there's no sense in me being polite, is there? I want these filed by ten."

"I bet when you were born the doctor slapped himself for delivering you…" I mumbled under my breath as he walked away, back straight in a I-so-own-you way.

Well, everything was back to normal.

When I realized this thought made me a little relieved, I slammed on the breaks. Being in a verbally abusive boss-secretary relationship where our daily driving force was the prospect of defacing, subverting, or all out insulting the other just a bit more than they could you….is normal?

To Do List: Recalculate perception of a healthy life.

So what now? After all of the unusual drama, we were going to pretend he hadn't basically called me a whore, I hadn't walked out on him, and he hadn't come crawling back for me, and I hadn't went back with him. Wow, all said out like that, it sounds like a Spanish soap. Only with less POR QUE, MARIA and a lot more fuck you, douchebag. Again, really needed to recalculate my life.

Anyways, Mr. Tude was back on track, and I was following him. We could play this game until we die (a gruesome idea), and as long as both of us agreed to it and the terms, we could hide anything behind it. Because that was the type of people we were.

Really, REALLY need to reevaluate my life.

So that was how it went. I'd come to work, go straight to my desk. Make first contact around 8:00 to tell him his morning appointments for the day, insult him in some way while doing so, then around lunch I'd go to tell him his afternoon appointments and he'd return the insulting double-fold, which I would then have to match and raise either before work was over, or first thing in the morning the next day.

It was vicious. Like, after having let spill how much we actually needed each other to survive (health insurance and money for food for me, someone to keep his day organized and pee-on free for him) it seemed like we had to make up for letting the other know one of our insecurities by cranking up the insults. Even other employees were starting to notice.

It was splendid.

Never had a person single-handedly insulted me so many times within a week. She was back on cue. Apparently her nervousness at being around me again made me so uncomfortable that she had to insult me at every possible moment. She didn't look for opportunities. She made them.

I pressed my golden stapler down on a pile of productivity reports. It worked like a mechanism of the gods.

She wants me.

It occurred to me that weekend, as I was speaking to Rin on the phone (she was staying with Inuyasha for a night, so that I could sleep more than four hours--something I was keenly suspicious of Inuyasha about (he was never that aware of others), but still accepted-- that my thoughts had been quite frequently circulating back to Higurashi. Or more exactly, how her ass looked in that skirt suit the first day she came back. I will restrain from choosing any adjectives, as I'm nearly positive it could only do me harm.

However, many adjectives began to spring up in my mind as she skidded across my desk the next morning. I mean, she skidded documents across it. Not herself. Not that I would object to—shit.

Now, understandably I had been very busy with work for a very long time, and as a consequence, had not had any…. "action", not that I couldn't get it immediately if I wanted it. I just had no time or desire. It seems that all that desire had disappeared and reappeared in full force ever since she'd been back in the office. Or maybe it had just been tucked away, waiting to bare its fangs. Whatever the matter, I was, as Inuyasha might say,"sexually charged".

"So you're horny," Inuyasha snorted into his end of the call.

"What did you say," I replied in what I hoped was a nonchalant tone.

"That's gotta be why you're in such a crap mood."

"I'm pretty sure that's you're doing."

"Woah, dude, I care about you too, but not that way."

"I'm hanging up now. Do not ever call me again for any reason."

"W-wait! Hahahaha! I was just kidding. You just seem tense."

"Yes, that's a way to put it. If you were truly concerned, you'd get your overly underambitious ass into the office and help me finalize a very important deal. All it requires is an hour of a day and your- don't say Handcock- John Handcock.

"Pfft. You said cock."

Even having a normal phone conversation with Inuyasha that isn't stressful requires thought and preparation.

"Geez. Alright. I'll come in tomorrow."

"10 a.m. Be here or I'll have you removed from the family registry."

"You can't do that."

"Don't be so sure."

"If you could, you would have done it ages ago," he smirked.

"Tomorrow," I hung up.

One annoyance taken care of.

There was a knock on the door.

"Bert, I have some mail for you."

Great. Higurashi came in without my okay and dumped a pile of mail on my desk, presumably to give me as many paper cuts as possible.

I did what I do best. Remained sarcastic and emotionally unscathed. I quirked an eyebrow and took the bait.

"Bert?"

"Yeah, Bert. You know. Sesame Street. Ernie was the easygoing one everyone liked. Then there was Bert. I think he was taller than Ernie because of the stick up his ass. Made his little puppet spine erect."

Speaking of erect, she was wearing a pants suit, which usually means nothing. But damn me if those pants weren't fitted. And while I used it as a transition, I'll have everyone know that I was not, in fact, erect at all. Just aware.

She began to sort the mail. She licked her fingers to do so. Why did she have to do this in my office?

"Why must you do this in my office?"

"Well, it's easier to sort it here, rather than sorting it outside your doors, eight feet away, then making eight trips to bring you the different categories. "

She'd never done this before….had she?

"This pile is ASAP stuff. This pile is Important Stuff You Should Really Probably Look At. This one will be Shit You Might Care About But Can Wait. The one by the stapler will be Letters From Angry People Which Will End Up Being Read By Someone Else, Probably Me."

"And that pile?"

"Ah, that I'm filing. You won't want to read it."

"Where are you filing it?"

"There." She took the whole pile, and with a large slide of her arm, swept it into my titanium alloy waste basket.

I want her.

Everything stopped. What the fuck?!

I stopped in the middle of my "filing". I realized that Taisho was being overly interested in what I was doing. Sure he was always interested to some degree that he would not acknowledge, but he was watching me closely.

Like he was going to gobble me up.

I tried not to freeze completely where I was. I managed to breathe. I congratulated myself for that fact. I wondered if I should ignore it, play it to my strengths, or try as quickly as possible to forget I'd ever seen his expression. That seemed like the best choice.

"You look like you're going to ravage me," I said wisely.

We both froze. I'm pretty sure the entire building, Earth, and Immortal Time Itself did too.

You can do this. Saveitsaveitsaveit. . DO SOMETHING, YOU DOLT!!!

"But what's new, am I right? I suppose you think every time I tell you to take a call for me, you think we're having intercom sex."

He saved it. Very, very badly. It meant he was affected too.

"Well, maybe if you didn't breath so heavily when you do it. I can't tell whether you're jacking off or having a heart attack. At your age both are possible, I suppose."

He quirked an eyebrow.

"Yes, young ones like you wouldn't know the first thing about real sex. No matter what your grade school teacher tells you, a three-week-old banana is not the same thing."

"Oh, but in your case, I'm guessing it's just as discolored and messy."

Thank. God. It was all back to normal, right? Right?

"Speaking of discolored and messy, has Onigumo contacted you again?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Well, I'm not boning the grease ball, and I'm obviously not working for him. So he didn't get what he wanted."

"That's reassuring in many ways."

"Why, if I were sleeping with him, would you be jealous?"

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. What are you doing?!

"No, but if you were, I'd have to fire you based on health precautions. You could infect the whole building."

"Rest assured that the only people I would want to infect with something as glorious as STD's would be you."

"Oh….really now?" Biggest eyebrow quirk in all of quirking history.

Huh-W-woah, that TOTALLY CAME OUT WRONG.

"Of course. Maybe herpes would help ease that stick out of your ass somehow."

"You seem fascinated with my ass."

"You seem fascinated with me."

"Maybe your ass."

We both froze. What the hell was going on?

"Taisho, are you flirting with me?"

"I don't flirt."

"You're flirting with me."

"I don't flirt. I acquire."

"Are you trying to acquire me?"

"I already have."

Okay, I went from being thoroughly shocked and a little (just a little) complimented to being royally pissed.

"I see. Well, since you've gotten what you wanted to acquire, I'm just going to go do my job so I can acquire my paycheck."

"Is that what you want?"

"Who doesn't want a goddamned paycheck, Taisho? I've got to live."

Where the hell was this going? Suddenly I found myself extremely irritated with the sight of him.

"I acquired you. But I haven't gotten what I want."

"Are you really, really saying this right now?"

"I don't believe I stuttered."

"Do you realize how much of a sleazy asshole you sound like right now? It's ironic, because I know this other sleazy asshole that I turned down a job from because he is a sleazy asshole."

"Go to dinner with me."

"Great, now not only are you as sleazy as Onigumo, but you're demanding and obnoxious like Inuyasha."

Oh shit.

"I'm….what?"

I couldn't tell if the look on his face was anger so pure that he was incredulous about how angry he was, or if it was anger with something more annoyed because he'd just been compared to his brother whom he hated. He looked almost…hurt. I stared at him. My mouth must have been open, because when he spoke next, I realized I hadn't been breathing, and sucked in a huge gulp of air.

"Hm. I see."

Something was so, so wrong.

"It' not—"

"I was out of place then. Excuse me."

If possible, I think I might have turned into a pillar of salt. I couldn't feel any part of my body move. Sesshoumaru apologized. He didn't apologize. Something was going very wrong with this day, with my world.

"If you're done filing, you may go finalize the afternoon schedule."

Subtext: we're both doing a bang up job of screwing everything we know to shit-all, and I'm giving you the excuse to leave, so you best take it.

I nodded awkwardly and turned to leave. When I got to the doors I turned around.

"I'm not dating him."

He looked up from a paper he'd picked up to read from the Important Stuff You Should Really Probably Look At pile. Something passed over his face quickly, almost relieved.

"I'm glad you're not totally insane, along with incompetent."

I stood for a moment, then walked through the doors, sticking my head back through, into his office.

"I'm not dating him yet."

I grinned coyly at him. The Cheshire Cat couldn't have done better.

He looked at me for a moment, then went back to his paper.

"Indeed."

"Also, the ASAP pile is the one next to that."

"Someday I'm going to drown in neatly arranged stacks of paper, and my body will not be found because I will be in the Shit You Might Care About But Can Wait pile.

"You know, Sesshoumaru, that pretty well sums up our lives."

Yeah, I can be deep.

"I disagree. You're obviously the sort that should be 'filed' away. People actually require me in order to survive."

"And you require me, or you'd never know what papers are Things You Ought to Know."

"I don't have one of those piles."

"Which is why you need me. That was only half of the papers. Jaken's bringing the rest up in a corporate wheelbarrow."

"Wheelbarrow."

"Don't worry. They're platinum. Taisho emblem all nice and etched on the sides."

I raised an eyebrow, made a half smile, and let the door close behind me with a

"What the fuck happened?!"

"You have a way with words as always, Inuyasha"

"You look like shit."

"Do tell."

"I mean, you don't look like shit, but you look like shit."

"Is there a point to this?"

"What happened?"

"I didn't take into account some factors and misjudged something."

"You fucked up."

"I fucked up."

"It wasn't the company you screwed over though."

"How do you know."

"Because you'd be angry. You're not angry."

"Since when have you become an psycho-analyzer? I don't recall you having a BA in anything other than partying."

"Hey, the fine arts count."

"Go away."

Inuyasha, instead of leaving like I'd hope he would, only got closer and closer to me. I didn't even know why he was there, in my house, instead of out planning whatever he was going to do to screw up tomorrow's huge deal.

"It's a girl."

"And if it is?"

"What did you do? Did you insult her? Did you ask her for a date and get rejected?"

"Yes."

"…..Was it your secretary."

"Yes, it was Kagome. Go ahead an say her name. I know you know each other."

"Kagome rejected you?"

"I'd really rather slam my head against a concrete floor than speak to you right now, and seeing as how I normally have no suicidal tendencies, I think you should take the severity of my dislike and annoyance at the moment to heart."

"Oh hell, you're drunk."

The last word was said with a half snort. The most unattractive sound ever, coming from him.

"That is of no importance to you."

"Rin said she likes staying with me, but she wants to sleep at home tomorrow night. It kinda hurt, but I get it."

"I'll come pick her up."

"Not like this, you won't. Drink that recipe I gave you before, chill out, and call Kagome."

"I'm not calling her."

"Yes, you are. Because you're so goddamn miserable right now it's pathetic."

"Rin better be getting ready for bed."

Inuyasha grinned through the phone.

"She's already asleep."

"You sound horrible."

"Thanks, Miroku."

"No really. What happened?"

"The gates of hell opened up and one of the four horsemen decided to start galloping around the offices of Taisho, Inc."

"You've already been fired once, what could have happened that would be worse?"

"I'll have you know that I wasn't fired that time, I quit."

"Wait….don't tell me. You've fallen for Sesshoumaru?"

"Of all the conclusions you could have reached…"

"He's powerful. And attractive. I envy the man and I'm not afraid to admit it. He's probably the only man in the company that gets more play than—nevermind. So you like him and the ground split open beneath your feet?"

"Not quite. He asked me out."

"….I don't quite understand. Where does the apocalypse fit into you getting a date?"

"You don't understand. He's Sesshoumaru. And I'm Kagome. We don't date. We argue. We fight. We degrade each other. We make fun of each other's lacking sex life."

"…And that's different from dating each other how?"

I sighed possibly the deepest sigh ever. I felt it in my spleen.

"You don't understand."

"I don't understand why you're not jumping at this opportunity. The guy's a genius, extremely rich, very good looking, and he likes you."

"But, I—"

"I don't care. You not taking this would be like me refusing a date with Pamela Anderson."

"Ew, really?"

"Figuratively speaking. I'm fairly sure his bosom isn't as ample."

"….Right."

"Anyways, I have to go. Sango's waiting for me."

"Sango?"

"That new girl I talked to you about before. I think I want to stick with her."

"Wait, you? Stick with a girl?"

"She keeps me in check. And I check her out. Her ass is heavenly, I—"

"Congratulations. I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah. Take a chance, Kagome. Later."

I hung up the phone almost incredulously. Even Miroku was finding someone he wanted to "stick with". And I couldn't even decide if I hated, was attracted to, or maybe felt a bit of both for the one man that asked me out. Oh, but I'd basically rejected him. Forgot to tell Miroku that part.

The phone rang and I picked it up.

"I swear, Miroku, if you're calling to tell me about her ass or tits, I'm going to—"

"Kagome."

Oh no. My heart stopped and started again in a split second.

"….Sesshoumaru."

Wait, why were we calling each other by name? I waited for him to say something, a lot longer than I expected.

"Sesshoumaru….are you drunk?"

I had never been on the receiving end of a drunken Taisho. Whenever he had been tipsy, I had been plastered.

"Yes. Though I'm feeling distinctly sick for a different reason after drinking some concoction Inuyasha dreamed up in his college days to deal with hangovers."

"…The irony isn't lost on me."

"Of course not."

"Sesshoumaru….why are you calling?"

"Because we made a mess today."

"Yes, yes we did."

"And I can't afford to make messes."

I thought for a moment. How was I supposed to take this?

"…I'm not going to quit, if that's what you mean."

"I would never expect you too. You're far too stubborn, and far too tough. It's rather unladylike."

"Then you should hire male secretaries."

"Then they'd quit on me."

"….True. So what's your point?"

"I'm wealthy, Kagome. My company is doing better than it ever has. I don't believe I'm unattractive based on what others have told me."

I almost snorted. He was so aware of his good looks that it was painful. And hadn't I just heard all of this five minutes before?

"And don't snort. The point is, in all of this idiocy, that I don't need you. I could hire twenty male secretaries and twenty more to replace them when they quit. I have the means."

"So you called to boast."

"I called to tell you that you should go to dinner with me."

"Why."

That seemed to throw him off. Perhaps he was confused that his money, power, and looks weren't enough incentive. Perhaps the last shot of vodka he'd done was coming up with Inuyasha's recipe.

"Because I want to go to dinner with you."

"That's asking a lot."

"I know. But I recall you once referring to me as a 'demanding prick'."

"I'm so articulate."

"Hm."

"You were supposed to agree."

"Hm."

Against my better judgment, I found myself cracking a smile.

"….I won't go to dinner with you."

"I see."

I tried extremely hard to read his voice but couldn't.

"However, I have wanted to see Rin again. And I don't feel like cooking tomorrow. Promise me my cushion tassels won't be French braided again, and I'll provide the entertainment. I just bought Cinderella."

"You're an incomprehensible piece of work."

"And you're nearly slurring your words. I'm hanging up now."

"Isn't this the part where you say something snide and hang up on me?"

"No way."

"Why the sudden, uncharacteristic change in heart?"

I grinned into the phone.

"Way too easy."

"That's what she said."

"That doesn't even make any…Did you really just say that?"

"God, I hope not."

"Ewwwwwww."

AN: Yeah….I have no. clue. I wrote this all tonight, mostly in one go. So! There are tons of mistakes and Sesshoumaru has more mood swings than a 12-year-old girl. It's also a bit more depressing than the other chapters, but they've gotta get someone, and constant arguing won't do that. I hope this wasn't as hideous as I think it was…