A/N:
READ BOTH A/N's! THEY'RE IMPORTANT!...
HOLY SHITBALLS!!! Over 100 reviews! Yippeeee!!! *stands on podium and taps mic*
Testing, testing... *clears throat* Wow, I didn't even have a speech prepared! *pulls out a long ass piece of paper* I would like to thank all of you for your wonderful reviews. I read and cherish each and every one, you guys never fail to bring a smile to my face when I'm having a shit-tastic day. Of course, my story wouldn't even be readable if it weren't for coachlady1. She is the epitome of kickass. And the fact that she reveres humongoid vamp peens as much as I do, well, that my dears, puts her in a special place in my heart. Reaching 100 reviews is just... mind-blowing! I am completely humbled by this experience *head inflating to epic proportions*
In closing, I would like to say... I love sparkle peen. Thank you so much, everyone! *waves and walks off stage*
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As the epic stupid that is Jane's brain absorbs and processes who Alec is, her eyes damn near pop out of her skull. If I weren't so dumbfounded at this whole situation, I would have laughed at the cartoonish expression.
"A-A-Alec?! What are you doing here?" Jane demands, eyes wild.
Alec is silent for a few seconds, just staring at the Crazy Cat Lady. His face is now as pale as Kristen Stewart's legs.
"Janie... is it really you?" He walks toward her slowly, as if she were an apparition and might disappear any second.
"Why are you here, Alec?" she snaps at him.
"I—we thought you were dead. We looked everywhere for you—Janie! Oh my God, Janie!" Tears are running down his cheeks as he envelopes Fun Bags McGee in his arms and spins her around. Her arms are dangling loosely at her side and she has a look of contempt on her leathery face.
"Alec, put me down," is her heartless reply to Alec's emotional display.
Alec places her gently on the floor and reverently rubs her cheek with the backs of his fingers.
"I know you guys are probably wondering what the hell is going on, right?" Alec turns to us and asks. Duh! "Janie here is my sister. My long-lost twin sister!" He laughs and is filled with jubilation. "My parents looked for her for years. She just up and disappeared—"
"That's enough! Get out of here! I have no family!"
The poor guy looks like someone just junk punched him.
"But... Mom and Dad—"
"I don't care! I don't fucking care! Edward is my life. Edward is my family! Do you hear me?!"
"What? Why are you doing—"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" Jane grips her hair by the roots. She grips it so tightly that I cringe, anticipating her pulling it out in globs. She's murmuring something under her breath and shaking her head back and forth.
"Jane?" Edward asks softly while putting a hand on her shoulder. I shoot him my patented laser death glare and he quickly removes his hand.
"Oh, Edward! Make it stop!" Jane cries and buries her face into Edward's shirt. Oh. Hell. No.
Before I have a chance to rip Jane to shreds and burn the pieces, Alec steps in and pulls her off of my man.
"Jane, what on Earth is wrong with you? You disappear for years without a trace and now you're acting... really fucking weird! Mom and Dad are next door and would be—"
Wait a minute. Hold the fucking phone.
"Excuse me?!" I butt in. "Next door? Your parents—her parents, are next door?!?!"
Edward finally decides to come out of his stupor. "Wait, what? Your parents? Jane's parents?"
Jane looks panicked as her eyes search the room frantically. Who knows what her retarded ass is looking for, but I do know that she's about to catch a beat down from my five-fingered army.
"Uh... NO! I don't know what he's talking about! I don't have any parents. Nope, no parents. None at all."
She lowers herself to the floor and curls herself into a ball, whispering something unintelligible.
Alec looks confused and freaked the hell out. Turning to Edward, he asks, "Uh, dude, does she usually act this way?"
Edward looks stumped and shrugs his shoulders, at a loss for words. "Nuh-uh."
Oh, for Christ's sake! Can no one act like they have common sense?
I roll my eyes and take the reins. "Okay, since you're all retarded and everything... Alec, how about you go and get your parents? I'm sure they'll be ecstatic to see their daughter... even though she's lost what little brain she has left. Em, Rose and Ali, um... ya'll need to throw Jasper in the car and get ready to bounce. As soon as this psycho bitch is out of my door, I'm jumping Edward's bones. I'm pretty sure you don't wanna see. It's gonna get ugly."
I turn to Edward. "You... well, you just sit on the couch and keep your mouth open. It'll come in handy later." I wink at him and turn to everyone else. "Uh, okay, chop-chop, get to movin', people!"
Everyone jumps into action. Alec races out of the door, Emmett stands and easily throws Jas over his shoulder like a ragdoll. Rosie and Alice give me big hugs, congratulations, huge grins and all that jazz. I think they might have given me some kind of pep talk too, but I can't stop looking at Edward, who is licking his lips and looking at me with smoldering eyes. Yeah, your ass is mine, Teddy Ruxpin.
Alec rushes back into my house without knocking. Any other day, that shit would have irked me to no end. I probably would have cussed him out, or maybe thrown some things at his head if I was PMS'ing. But today? Today, I don't give a flying fuck because I'm about to get me some Edward peen! I inwardly squee and do jumping jacks, thanking baby jeebus that I never stopped taking the pill.
Alec's parents follow closely behind him with urgent looks on their faces. When he points out Jane on the floor, they each dropped to their knees beside her.
"Oh my goodness! Jane! Oh, my baby Jane!" the mom wails while pulling Jane's head into her lap.
The dad is just sitting there, staring at his long-lost daughter, switching between looking elated, bereft and confused.
Both parents and Alec are crying tears of joy and laughing through their tears. All of this would be very touching if...
A) Jane wasn't sporting a scathing Bitter Beer Face while laying in her mom's arms like a wet noodle, and
B) I didn't want to fuck all of the sperm out of Edward's nutsack.
Unfortunately, those two predicaments have slightly dimmed the emotion of the moment. So yeah... they need to get the fuck out and deal with their shit on the sidewalk or something. I have a peen to ride into the sunset.
I decide to break up the reunion before my cooch collapses. "Oh, well, look at the time!" I yell while stretching exaggeratedly. "Wow, I have to wake up sooo early tomorrow! I hope I won't be super tired! You know, because I'm staying up so late... since so many people are here..."
The parents briefly look up at me, but then dismiss my subtle hint and go back to fawning over their brain dead daughter.
"So!" I turn to my friends. "You guys are leaving now? Since I have to get to sleep and everything, you know?"
They all make their way to the door, Emmett gives me a huge smirk and two thumbs up. Before walking out of the door, he looks to Edward and throws his head back while wildly humping the air in front of him. I look at Edward and find him nodding his head while sporting a shit-eating grin. When he notices me looking and realizes that he's been caught, he coughs loudly and turns to walk to the couch. I roll my eyes.
Jane's parents haven't moved an inch. Apparently the assholes can't take a hint. My hormones are raging and if these fools don't leave, they're gonna get a peep show they'll never forget.
"Alrighty, so... you guys need to go."
Still no one moves.
I walk up to Alec and lean into his ear.
"Seriously, Alec. I know this is a really big deal, but I've had a long night and I'm tired. You guys can finish your reunion at your house, okay?"
His head snaps in my direction and he glares daggers at me like he has some kind of power that could kill me with just one look or something.
Edward walks over to us and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "Is there a problem here, Alec?"
Alec sneers at Edward before snapping, "No. No problem at fucking all."
The dad stands and stalks over to his son's side. "What the hell is your problem, young lady? I haven't seen my goddamn daughter for years and you're hell-bent on acting like a petulant child! Well, I will not stand for this blatant disrespect! You. Will. Pay!"
So I see the whacko doesn't fall far from the tree...
"And you!" Alec turns to Edward. "What the hell did you do to my sister? You've ruined her! She's not the sister I once knew, you've obviously been abusing her and holding her hostage all of his time! You've brain washed her! You fucking prick!"
Alec lunges for Edward, but before he can even get close, I roundhouse kick him in the chest. I even threw in a loud "HI-YAH!" for good measure.
Everyone is staring at me and Alec is writhing in pain on the floor, gasping for air. Damn, I wish Em was here. He'd be proud! I didn't even think about what I did, it was just my body's automatic reaction. I really am badass!
The dad looks furious and points a finger in my face. "You little bitch! How dare—"
"Apparently you've forgotten that you're in my home." I cut him off mid-sentence. "Should I remind you of your whereabouts by calling the authorities to alert them to your trespassing?"
I give him the laser death glare and cross my arms, begging him to cross me any more than he already has.
"The Wife," the dad says while keeping his eyes on mine, "let's go home. We've spent enough time in this dump."
I scoff and roll my eyes. First off, what kind of DoDo bird calls his wife The Wife?!?! Second, I'll choose to ignore the immature jab at my place. He knows damn well my house is nice. Cocksucker.
Alec moves to pick up Jane off of the floor and makes a point to glare at me before heading for the door. I can hear his wheezing from all the way outside. The parents quickly follow behind and don't close the door when they leave. Dickheads.
I walk to the door and close it, making sure it's locked. Before I can turn around, my body is being pressed into the door, my cheek flattened against the wood.
Edward pushes his arousal into my back. I close my eyes and moan at the sensation. I feel his tongue, so warm and wet, slowly working its way from my shoulder to my neck before reaching my ear. His breath fans across my face and I'm about to lose it.
"I've waited for this for so long," he murmurs huskily into my ear before nipping at my lobe. His hands firmly grip my hips as he bends his knees and grinds himself into my ass.
"Ung," is my intelligent response. I'm sure he doesn't expect anything enlightening to come out of my mouth at this time.
"Mmm... My Isabella. You're so fucking sexy. Turn around, baby."
I turn around and he attacks my neck, licking and nipping while pushing his erection between my legs.
"Do you want me?"
"Yes," I answer breathily.
"Do you want this?" He pushes himself into me harder.
"You know I do." I throw my leg around his hips before reaching down and grabbing his erection, pushing it into my center. Although we're both fully clothed, I can still feel the tip of him pushing into the seam of my jeans.
"Edward..."
He starts pushing himself up into me and I grab his head, pulling him toward me, aching to lick his stubbled jaw. As soon as my tongue makes contact, his cell rings.
"Ignore it," I tell him while reaching for the buttons of his pants.
He stops my hands and looks at me with worried eyes. "I can't. I have to get that. It's my emergency ringtone."
I stand there dumbfounded as he runs for his phone. God hates me. There's simply no other explanation. God wants to render my cooter useless by making my ovaries explode. And they will explode. No question about it. Is this my destiny? To be the woman whose life turns into a TLC special? The Girl Whose Ovaries Burst...
"..... to go. I'll call you as soon as I can, I promise, baby."
He kisses my lips hurriedly as he breezes out the door.
What the fuck just happened? He's gone? Seriously?! I jog to my house phone and call Edward to hear his explanation, find out what the hell's going on. It rings and rings before going to voicemail. I call six more times with the same result. Bastard's ignoring me!
Seriously?
I pick up my phone and dial one of the few numbers I know by heart.
"Hellooo! Whitlock residence!" Alice sings into the phone.
"Hey Ali."
"Bella?! Why are you calling me? Shouldn't Edward be pounding into you relentlessly right now?" she shrieks into my ear.
"Um, no. Al, call that guy and tell him our date's still on, okay? I'll talk to you tomorrow... or whenever. Love you. Bye."
I hang up before she can ask questions or protest. Gotta stay pre-occupied. I refuse to pine over this man anymore. I can't do this shit anymore. Walking to my bedroom, I don't bother to turn on the light or take off my clothes. Pushing my blanket back, I slowly lie down in my cold bed and sink my head into my pillow. I push all feelings to the back of my mind and numb myself before shutting my eyes and surrendering to the darkness.
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A/N:
I'll be doing a smutty, dirty, sexified collaboration with Kitty Cullen-03 from the Jasper's Darlin's blog! Be sure to put me on alert so you'll know when I publish it! I'm so excited!
My Jasperific one shots (Dodgeball! and Dirty Movie) are up for nomination in the Everything's Bigger In Texas Awards! Squee! Be sure to visit the blog and vote! www . jaspersdarlins . blogspot . com
Speaking of Jasper, I have a brand spankin' new Jasper/Alice fic called Just My Luck. Alice is a popstar and Jasper is kind of a geek :-) Check it out! Oh! My friend mw138 has a Jasper/Alice story called A Love Like This that's wonderful! Her Jas is so dreamy! Be sure to show her some love!
Do I really need to reiterate how hawt and awesome coachlady1 is?... Didn't think so!
Until next time! Smooches! ^_^