Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,332

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

Author's Notes: Sorry I didn't get this up right away. Schoolwork is a beast. As always thank you to my reviewers and my fantastic beta for putting up with my neurotic questions. Now on with the show.

"You should try to sleep, love," Castle said, leaning against the counter as I brushed my teeth.

"We both know that's not going to happen," I sighed, putting my toothbrush back in its place.

For a moment I stared at my medicine cabinet, thinking about the anti-anxiety pills that lay beyond the mirror. The police psychiatrist had prescribed them after my failed psych evaluation. He had said it was post-traumatic stress disorder and putting me back in the field would be a liability. Montgomery had pulled some strings and kept me around, hoping that with therapy I would improve. Just another person I had let down.

"Go on. Get some rest and go out with Alexis tonight," he prodded, rubbing my back slowly.

"I don't know if I can."

I watched my hands curl around the edge of the sink and fought with myself. The pills helped me sleep, but left me feeling foggy and subdued for hours after I had woken. Mostly I couldn't find Castle when I took them. It might be better, I would be less likely to slip up in front of Alexis, but he had been around so long that I didn't know if I could go without him.

Briefly I thought back to the first time I had taken the pills, then the hysteria I felt when I realized he wasn't there. For hours I laid on my kitchen floor and cried. As the effects wore off he would be in and out, staying longer as time progressed.

It would be different this time I decided, popping one of the tablets before I changed my mind. I knew what to expect. This time it wouldn't be so much of a shock and eventually he would be back.

I held his hand as we walked into the living room and laid out on the couch. Castle ran his fingers through my hair, calming the anxiety that always stuck with me after a nightmare.

"Do you remember that Mets game we went to?" Castle asked, as I felt him laugh lightly behind me.

"The one where you managed to eat four hotdogs?" I yawned, shaking my head. "Alexis and I thought you were going to be sick."

"Not possible," Castle huffed in mock offence. "If anything was going to make me sick it would have been the way you and Alexis were mooning over the first baseman."

"He had a really nice butt," I sighed, turning onto my side and settling against Castle's chest.

"My dear, dear, superficial Detective," he murmured and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I felt him rubbing my arm gently and allowed my eyes to drift shut. The fond memory appeared at the forefront of my mind as I slipped under.

"Come on, he was totally out!" I growled, leaning back in my seat.

Castle and Alexis looked on amusedly as they nodded. We watched the next batter step up to the plate and held our breath as the pitch was thrown. The Diamondbacks batter swung, missing the low ball and the crowd cheered as a strike was announced. Again the pitcher wound up, sending a fastball straight into the catcher's glove. The cheering grew as another strike was called. Finally we watched the pitcher take a deep breath, the large Mets logo rising and then falling as he exhaled. He reared his arm back, then stepped forward as his muscles propelled him through the release. We watched as the ball hurtled to home plate, dodging the batter's vicious swing. The stadium exploded with noise as the batter was struck out and the inning came to a close.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom," Alexis said, stretching out her cramped muscles.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I asked, handing Castle my purse as I stood.

"No I'll be fine. I'll be right back, do you want anything while I'm up?"

Castle and I both shook our heads and Alexis took off up the aisle. I leaned into Castle as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. Work had been hectic and while still on call, a day out had been exactly what I hadn't know I needed.

"Thank you," I said, looking up at him from under the brim of my ball cap. "For today. I guess I was more stressed than I thought."

"Anytime, Scout," Castle grinned, leaning down for a kiss.

I leaned farther in as I felt him tilt my ball cap back off my forehead. We broke apart as I felt someone tap my shoulder. A man behind us pointed to the giant screen at the other end of the field.

"Smile you're on Kiss Cam," he laughed, settling back in his seat.

I felt a blush creep up my cheeks as Castle waved and brought me in for another kiss as people cheered. With a final peck on my lips, Castle turned back in his seat and I rested my head on his shoulder as the game started up again.

It was almost eleven when I woke, alone and reclined against the arm of the couch. Castle was, as expected, nowhere to be seen. Still feeling groggy, I shuffled to the kitchen and flipped on the coffee maker. I tapped my fingers against the counter, biting my lip and looking at the clock. If I called Alexis then she might suggest lunch and a day out, not leaving me any time to stray to darker places alone in my apartment. Before I could change my mind, I dialed her cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Alexis. It's Kate," I stuttered, not expecting her to pick up on the first ring.

"Hey! How are you?" she asked, like we hadn't seen each other the day before.

"Fine. I was wondering if that shopping offer was still available?" I ventured, suddenly nervous.

If she said no, then I was facing a very rough day ahead of me.

"Of course!" she trilled, her tone suddenly much happier. "I just left Grams rehearsal. I could swing by and pick you up for lunch? Then we can go dress shopping after."

"That sounds great," I sighed, relieved.

"Great, I'll be there in about a half hour."

"I'll see you then."

I hung up and pressed the phone to my forehead. Why did she have to sound like I had just made her day? It was going to be hard enough being out in public again, but having to pretend to be happy was going to be a trial. The thought was almost enough to make me call and cancel, but I knew how disappointed she would be. If it meant making her happy, even at my expense, it was worth it. She had suffered more than anyone should have to in such a short life. I saw her thriving, heard about how she was the top of her class at school and wondered if I was ever that resilient? It was like looking into a funhouse mirror and seeing my mother's death and the fallout. In a strange paradoxical twist I found myself in a parallel situation and now could better appreciate the strength it had taken my father to put his life back together. It was so much easier living in the debris then starting anew.

With a shake of my head, I cleared my head and went in search of clothes. It had been so long since I had been required to wear anything other than Castle's hooded sweater and track pants. I found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, slipping them on and noting that my belt did up a few holes tighter. Finding a dress that hid my almost sickly frame was going to be a challenge. Fishing a pair of running shoes out from under my bed and sunglasses from my dusty old desk, I brushed my teeth and hair before taking my keys and going to the lobby to wait for Alexis.

To Be Continued…