On the bright side of the visit, Susanna and the Beast's castle was very nice. Maybe it was all the fairy tales I had read, but there was something totally awesome about being inside a dark and spooky castle. There was probably some weird and fancy architectural terms to the place, but I just thought it looked cool, almost like a haunted house at an amusement park. The towers, or whatever they were really called (like I had any real idea) spiked against a stormy sky. Huge ceilings probably hid bats. Suits of armor lined the hallways like tinsel. The only light came from these freaky sconces. It was one of the most flipping coolest things I had ever seen. Sure, I was freaked out and thought a bat was going to build a nest in my hair, but how often does one get to set foot in a haunted castle? Or an enchanted castle. Whatever. I didn't know the deal. I just wanted to see the cool garden with the rose bushes.

I don't think Mr. Maser was all that impressed. The man still had to attend me, huffing and puffing beside me as if he would rather burn the poor castle to the ground. I still had no idea why he had to insist on coming. He glared at every cool thing the castle had to offer and somehow managed to give it the worst insults possible.

"Don't you find anything interesting about this castle, Mr. Maser?" I asked.

He just groaned. "You women and your romantic notions. It's a complete waste of space."

"It's under a spell," I replied. "Did that not ever occur to you?"

Dinner, however, was less than impressive. Not that the food was bad. The food rocked, actually. I'm not sure what it was, but it was good. I had never had too much difficulty eating foods of the more mysterious definition; all I know is that there are people outside the Wendy's corporation that make some pretty awesome food. Besides, I had always thought about traveling to Europe and eating all the weird foods they have over there. So, yeah, the food was pretty good. I sat there jabbing my fork into it and eating it with the best manners I knew. I had never been to any of those fancy formal dinner training things since high school, but I think I did okay. No one said anything to me.

In fact, no one said much at all. Oh, Susanna and I chatted a bit. I think she wanted to talk more than we did, but, well, the whole thing was a bit on the side of awkward.

First of all, there was Susanna's boyfriend. The Beast. The honest-to-goodness Beast. I had never been much of a nature girl, but I did like animals all right. He was cute, in his way. Furry, almost fluffy. I had the oddest urge to pet him, but since he talked as well as any other guy and was Susanna's boyfriend I let that bad idea slide away. The fur was light brown and speckled with black. He had horns. His face was a mix between a wolf and a guinea pig. Cute, but also properly terrifying. His ears were almost like a pug dog's. He wore clothes, strangely enough. I think I preferred it that way.

Then there was the dining situation. I thought it was cool, personally. It was a long hall, complete with crystal chandelier. The table, though, might have had something to do with it. It was humongous, freakishly long. It wasn't like we ate at distant and opposing sides, but even when you have four people crammed at the end of a mile-long table you still get the impression of cold distance. The Beast sat at the head, Susanna on his right and Mr. Maser at his left. I sat next to Susanna. I figured the girl could use a friend.

Last of all, it was clear that Susanna and the Beast were not on good terms. I could see it in the way they looked at each other. They were the host and hostess, and tension between the host and hostess was never good for the rest of the party.

I tried to chatter on. I can be pretty good at chattering on.

"This castle is lovely," I said. "Is it haunted?"

The Beast just stared at me.

"It's enchanted, actually," Susanna said. "But haunted and enchanted are probably pretty close." She paused to think. "Is it haunted, Beast?"

He stared at her. "Why on earth would it be haunted?"

She shrugged. Rather defiantly, I might add. "I don't know. It would be very neat if it were haunted. Did anyone die here?"

I looked on. It was the longest conversation at the table in the past twenty minutes.

"Die?" Mr. Maser looked suddenly interested. Men. Mention death or anything else gruesome and you instantly had their attention.

"Why would anyone have died here?" the Beast replied.

"Someone might have fallen off a balcony," I suggested.

The Beast actually smiled. I think. Again, what I said about men and gruesome things.

Susanna looked disgusted. "Tansy, that's a terrible thought! Someone falling off a balcony." She shuddered and put down her fancy fork. "Now I can't get that thought out of my head! Why would you say something like that?"

"You're the one that asked if someone died here," the Beast replied.

"Die. Like maybe they had a really sad disease or something and tragically wasted away in their bed while their loved ones looked on and they were buried in a lovely grave in the backyard."

And she thought falling off a balcony was a terrible thought. "That's really sad." Really, it had made me a little depressed.

She nodded. Suddenly we were in empathy. "I know. I'm sad, too. But it's not as disgusting as someone falling off a balcony and splattering to death all over the dusty stone I'm not allowed to sweep."

I was not sure if it were me, but it seemed that her voice rose a tad at the end of that last sentence, and she stared rather nastily at the Beast.

Silence for another good minute.

"Wouldn't you have to mop up the blood?" Mr. Maser asked. "With bleach? They actually have chemicals that are better for cleaning up blood, if you really wish to hide the fact that someone died there."

"Why are we having this conversation?" I asked.

He looked at me pointedly. "Miss Bryner, you are the one that began it."

"All I did was ask if the house were haunted. I didn't bring up the gore." Wait, I did.

And Mr. Maser was quick to point that out. "You're the one that mentioned someone falling off the balcony!"

The Beast seemed to think for a moment. "Was this person pushed, or was it suicide?"

That question got us all thinking as we ate our mysterious-but-delicious food. Well, at least the conversation was no longer silently awkward. Now it was just morbid awkward. I think it was better that way. At least we were talking.

"Well," Mr. Maser said thoughtfully. "I would probably commit suicide if I lived here."

I had been thinking that suicide would be far too sad and that a murder would be far more interesting anyway, but Mr. Maser's comment was just rude. I glared at him across the table. Boss or no boss, paycheck or no paycheck, he had no right to say that in front of my friend Susanna.

Who had just burst into tears.

Mr. Maser looked only faintly guilty.

The Beast clenched his teeth worriedly. Or fangs. Or whatever he had in his huge animal mouth. "Susanna?"

She already had her fancy blue silk napkin at her eyes, dabbing with all the ferocity of a true country girl. I grew up in a small town, it was all similar.

I put my hand on her shoulder. "Susanna, don't listen to him. He's an idiot and he should apologize." I sent him another withering glare.

He rolled his eyes and sighed, but he looked even more guilty. "Susanna, I didn't mean it that way."

"I really like this place." Unlike some people, she could speak clearly while having hysterics. "I really do! I think it's pretty, Beast. Beautiful, even. I'm so happy to be living here away from my stupid sisters. I know I sometimes complain about the light, but the scones are kind of romantic and I know we sometimes light the hearth but… "

"It's okay," said the Beast uncomfortably. By the looks of things, he didn't really wasn't all that savvy about his crying girlfriend. Didn't he know a thing about taking a girl in his masculine, if extra-hairy, arms and comforting her, at least offering her a place to cry and feel safe and protected? Wasn't that his job as the man/animal in her life?

"Don't you care about the castle?" she accused. "Don't you care? You aren't upset that he said that?!"

The Beast shrugged. "It's Rowan's opinion."

"He insulted our home!" She lashed away from me toward the Beast and punched him in the arm. "You always do this! You—" She took a sudden and deep breath and sat back in her chair, face red with embarrassment. "Whoa. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. That was terrible of me. I'm such a bad hostess."

It was no time for manners! The poor girl had her feelings hurt!

I sent a final glare at Mr. Maser. "Apologize to both of them. Now."

"I'm sorry I insulted your castle." It was actually diplomatic in tone. Impressive. "It's nice in an evil witch kind of way."

I sent him a smile of approval.

"You didn't have to apologize," the Beast said.

The evil glare of death changed direction. The Beast may be my host, but this was ridiculous. He did not know how to appreciate his lovely girlfriend! "No, he needs to apologize if it makes Susanna feel better."

"I accept your apologize, by the way, Mr. Maser," Susanna said.

There. Everyone was happy except me.

"It's your job to keep her happy," I told the Beast. "She loves you and you ignore her."

His jaw dropped and I could see more of those awesomely sharp teeth. "I don't mean…"

Susanna sniffed and wiped her eyes. "She's right. Tansy's right. I do love you."

I gave him a told-you-so look.

His head dropped. It was like I had scolded him. I guess I had, actually. "I love you, too, Susanna."

Aww.

Mr. Maser muttered an "oh brother".

"I just don't like you cleaning my room with that lilac-scented stuff."

Susanna looked mortally offended. "But that stuff creates such a great aura—"

I held up my hand to her. Friend or no friend, she had to be fair as well. "Not everyone likes lilac. He's a guy, remember. Guys don't like nice smells."

She sighed. "Is there a smell you like?"

He shrugged. "No, not really."

She smiled faintly. "I actually don't like cleaning everything. Can't we hire a housekeeper?"

"That costs money and I'm a beast, if you haven't noticed."

"Teenagers don't mind. They come cheap."

"But it still costs money."

Susanna touched his paw. "It would help me out a lot, sweetie. Then we could spend more time together."

Wow. It was oddly romantic.

He sighed. "I can think about it."

And that was all it took. Talking. Worked every time. "Do you have anything else to say to each other?" I asked.

"I like your hair," the Beast said. "Did you get it done?"

Susanna giggled like the girly-girl she was.

"What is your name, by the way," I asked the Beast. It was a question I had always wanted to ask.

"I never say my real name," he replied.

"It's Mortimer," Susanna said.

"Hey!"

"I prefer to call him Beast."

Mr. Maser looked like he wanted to gag.