Me: Hello, hello, we are back, baby! Thanks for your fast questions! I think we'll have fun with this! Eh, guys?!
Tori: Have you had coffee today?
Me: A few…dozen…gallons, so?!
Jade: Wow, you're just as spazzy as Cat.
Cat: Thanks, Jade!
Jade: (rolls eyes) It wasn't a compliment.
Cat: (upset) Huh?! What's that supposed to mean?!
Me: Guys, let's not fight already!
(Everyone silently agrees)
Robbie: Wait, how come you yelled at Jade for insulting Cat, but not for throwing Rex—
Me: Our first question is from Boris Yeltsin. They have a question for Tori: How can you be friends with Jade after the stunt she pulled
where she lied about you hitting her?
Tori: Well, she apologized…sort of…and helped clean the muck of the walls so I guess that was enough to show she was sorry.
Jade: Wait, since when are we friends?
Tori: What do you mean?
Jade: I'm not your friend. I'm purely tolerating you.
Tori: (gasps) Tolerate me?! You're lucky I tolerate you!
Jade: (stands) You wanna go, Vega?!
Tori: (shrinks in chair) No, please.
Me: Ahem, Jade…
(Jade scowls at me, smiles proudly at Tori, and sits beside Beck again)
Me: Alright, Boris Yeltsin also has a dare, but we'll make it our grand finale.
André: Uh-oh.
Me: Don't worry, it won't cause anyone bodily harm or social humiliation…unless Jade twists it to do that. (I look scolding-like at Jade, who grins deviously) So, the next question is from Karly Black: I have a question for Beck! Have you ever liked any girl besides Jade??
Jade: No.
Tori: (angrily) Jade, that was Beck's question.
Jade: Well, he hasn't liked anyone before me. (turns to Beck) Right?
Beck: Actually, I did like a couple girls before Jade.
Jade: (eyes narrow) What do you mean, Beck?
Beck: There was once a girl in my first grade class who I liked by the name of Elizabeth and then—
Jade: (grits teeth) Alyssa Vaughn, perchance?
Beck: (sighs) You know we're just friends.
Jade: Yup, I got that when you were drinking mountain stream water in her fancy car!
André: You drank fish pee?
Me: Guys! It's fine if Beck has liked a few girls before Jade—
(Jade grabs my shirt collar)
Jade: Easy for you to say, Miss Question-asker-who-has-no-boyfriend!
Me: That was cold.
(Jade lets go of my shirt. I un-wrinkle it)
Me: Yes, okay then. Next up is Secret Identity: Question for Trina: Why are you so badly untalented?
Trina: (scoffs) Excuse me, you must be mistaken, Secret Identity. I am the most talented person at Hollywood Arts! Right, guys?
(No one answers)
Trina: Ahem. Right, guys?
(Still no answers)
Trina: (feebly) Right?
Me: Yes, well…uh, here is bebe098's! They say: Sorry Jade but I dare Beck to kiss Cat lol.
Tori: (eyebrows rise) Hmm. Didn't see that coming.
Rex: They got a sick mind.
(Robbie glares at Rex and scolds him. Jade grabs Beck's arm firmly)
Jade: No way, bebe098 or whatever the heck your name is. Beck is mine.
Me: (smiling) Sorry, Jade, but he was dared. He's got to do it.
Jade: (snarls) Oh, yeah? Try and make him.
Beck: Um, this is my dare. I think I can choose what I want to do.
Me: Actually, no, because this is my story so you automatically have to do what I say.
Trina: Where was that in the contract?
Me: Don't you read the fine print?
(Trina shakes her head)
Me: Your loss. Anyhow, okay, Beck, kiss Cat.
(After Beck pries Jade off him, he walks to center of lawn chair circle A/N: yeah, that's what they're sitting in. One of the stages at the school, okay? Cat jumps up, slightly oblivious. Beck leans down)
Jade: Wait!
(Everyone stares at her, and Beck leans away from Cat)
Me: (rolls eyes) What now?
Jade: Did they say where he kisses her?
(I check laptop in my, well, lap)
Me: Um, no—
Jade: Kiss her on her cheek then.
André: (sighs) Just let it go.
Jade: Shut it.
Trina: Yeah, listen to Andrew.
André: It's André.
Trina: No one cares.
Robbie: Get on with it! Mamaw found out they didn't cancel the Internet and I need to get to her house after this soon!
(Everyone quiets. Beck kisses Cat on the cheek. Jade yanks him back in his chair, and Cat sits happily next to Robbie again)
Me: Okay, finally we have alltimelow777, saying: I dare Cat to kiss Beck.
Jade: Really, people?!
Tori: Suck it up, Jade. Apparently fans think Cat and Beck are a cute couple.
(Jade sneers at Tori)
Me: Well, Beck already kissed Cat on the cheek so—
Jade: (angrily) No lips-to-lips!
Me: (sing-song) My story, I pick! (regular voice) Go on, Cat n' Beck.
(Cat and Beck stand again. Cat kisses Beck's lips. They stay that way for five seconds, then pull back)
Beck: Hey, you're not a bad kisser.
Cat: What'd I ever do to you?!
Rex: Ah, sister gonna lose it…
Robbie: Cat, that was a compliment. Jade's was an insult.
Cat: (perkily) Oh, okay! Thanks! (she sits)
Me: Okay the dare from Boris Yeltsin is: Dare for André and Beck: Act out a Jack Benny sketch.
André: Finally something for me!
Robbie: What about me?
Me: Quiet, Robbie. (yells) Sinjin, get a violin!
(Sinjin gets me a violin which I hand to Beck. Sinjin walks back to his corner)
Me: And in 5…4…3…2…go!
(Beck and André get onstage. Beck plays the violin very badly. André acts agitated)
André: (actor voice) No, no, Mr. Benny, no.
Beck: (actor voice) Did I do something wrong, Professor?
André: No, Mr. Benny, you are holding in your hand a very difficult instrument.
Beck: Uh-huh.
André: The music from the violin is like the singing of the angels. Like the murmur of the breeze. Like the rippling of the brook. Now…play.
(more bad violin music)
Beck: Yeah, it does sound like that, doesn't it?
André: Maybe we'll try it again, and this time I will help you. I will counter.
Beck: Okay.
André: Ready? One and two and three and four and…
(bad music)
André: (singing) Softly like a birdie chirping, you sound like a horse that's burping. Make the notes a smoother mixture, this is worse than your last picture. My poor head is getting woozy, onesy, twosy, I hate yousy.
(bad final note)
Beck: Hmm.
André: (yelling) Mr. Benny, Mr. Benny, the violin is an instrument that is supposed to soothe you. To calm you! To make you relax! To settle your nerves! The singing of the angels! The murmuring of the breeze! The rippling of the brook!
Beck: Professor!
André: Oh, Mr. Benny, I lost my temper.
Beck: Oh.
André: I wish it was my hearing.
Beck: What?
André: Never mind, never mind. We will proceed with the next lesson. Intermentso.
Beck: Ah, that's what I like. Intermentso, that classical stuff.
André: Proceed please.
Beck: Thank you.
(bad music)
André: No, no, Mr. Benny! You must not bbblarbblabtth! You must go didldildidldee!
Beck: Oh, oh, I see. Right, right.
(bad music)
Beck: Didldildidldee! Is, uh, is that what you want?
André: Mr. Benny, you must deedle on your feedle.
Beck: Oh, oh.
André: For today, the lesson is over. Through. Finite. I will see you next week.
Beck: Oh. Well, okay, Professor, but tell me: do you think you can make a great violinist out of me?
André: Well, I think I can do something for you. But it will take time. I won't tell you.
Beck: Why?
André: How much time do we got left?
Beck: Plenty, I'm only 37!
André: Mr. Benny, I will see you next week.
Beck: Alright. Goodbye, Professor.
André: (to self) 24 years and he only knows a-la la la la la la la! If I wasn't so hungry, I wouldn't come back.
(Everyone claps and cheers. Beck goes back by Jade, and André between Jade and Tori)
Me: Well, that's all we have time for! Send in more K-rated dares and/or questions! We'll be waiting for you.
Rex: Not me, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Tori: (frustrated) You can't go to the bathroom, you're a puppet!
Rex: You don't know what I got!
Me: Bye!