I was positively shaking with rage. My arms straight at my sides, fists balled up, my mind just a jumble of exploding red flares. I reeled upon him. "How dare you! My truck did nothing to you! And you ripped out it's . ."

"Bella, please."

" . . .it's whatever part!"

He stood against my closet, unmoving, unrepentant. His eyes held nothing, he was searching my face. He was measuring.

"You know why I did this."

" Well that just…sucks." I started pacing, around the bed, circling in front of my desk, back to the window. When I walked back and forth in front of the window, the stream of moonlight appeared to flicker.

He approached warily. "Let's look at this from a logical perspective. Indeed, maybe, I was a little hasty, but once Alice saw you disappear, I needed to know you were safe."

"I'm never safe, so what is the big deal?"

"It is a big deal to me."

"This isn't about you." I said, severely. I couldn't look at him. It was too late, the shrill was coming. "This is about ME!" I charged him, inches away and pointed a firm finger at his shirt. "My life, understand? And how I live it and how I expect the same standards as everybody else." Edward blinked, but I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. He went back to being firm in his understanding. Right at this instant, I absolutely hated being understood. I wanted a damn answer. In a raspy huff, I turned abruptly and went to my desk. I needed to do something with my hands, so I tussled with some of the papers on top.

"Wolves have no control, Bella, they know little in the way of restraint."

"And you call this restraint? This obsessive hatred you have for Jacob? What about a little trust here.?"

"This isn't about trust, this is about a decision you made where you don't seem to grasp the gravity of the consequences."

"So you decide what I'm supposed to do? Then just force your will on me? Is that it?" I tossed the papers down and they skittered across the desk. "For God's sake, Edward, it makes me feel like a pet." I turned and eyed him warily. Something ugly came up inside me, but his face gave no quarter, just unfathomable depth to his amber eyes. Not a smile, not a blink. The thought just came upon me. "Or am I just a pet?" I pressed hard, emerging resentment behind my harsh tone. I charged him again and looked straight up into his face. "Am I? Answer me!"

"You're being ridiculous now."

As a reflex, I turned away from him, circled around the bed , to take a quick glance out the window, before I turned sharply back toward him. "You do not stop me, do you hear that? That's the rule. Ever. No one has that right. Got it?"

"Your safety is my paramount concern, something you seem unable to comprehend . . . "

"Facts are facts, mister, and the last time I checked only vampires have wanted to kill me." I paced back and forth again, balling my fists and hammering the sides of my head. "Gah! I'm arguing with a vampire about a werewolf!"

He took a measured step toward me, not much more than a dark shadow against a black one. When he approached the pale moon beam, a glint showed me where his eyes were. As if I needed that pointed out to me. "One look at Emily should drive the point home, Bella. I am sorry for the example, but the truth is - "

"The truth is," I snarled, " they have never hurt me . . .not like-." I halted immediately. I gasped at the word that was on my tongue. No.

"I see," he hissed.

Measurement over. Now he came at me.

He had his hands on my shoulders before my mind could grasp he wasn't across the room from me anymore. My breathing hitched, at the thought of fear. Please don't let him hear it. " Perhaps, Miss Swan, I should take that into account from now on."

" No, that's not it . . .I meant that – "

" I think we both need time to calm down. Gather ourselves. I shall see you tomorrow. Good night."

And with that I was alone.

It's just so hard to keep up. There has to be a boundary somewhere. It isn't healthy to not have them, right? I felt dumb as I started to sound like I was channeling my Mom. But I had to think of something, just to keep the reality away. The dread and the shattering. The clutching pain that would come with the comprehension that Edward just left.

Angry.

And I was terrified.

The traitor tears came, and stung as I squinted my eyes shut to stop them. I had – no! not past tense!-have something so beyond reason, so incredulous that it makes me want to burst.

I know about good and evil, I know of a life outside of death, I have beheld the origin of man's worst fears and legends. I have seen these things and I have loved them.

I hobbled for a moment as I kicked out of my shoes and padded to the window, watching the leaves sway and turn in the breeze. The grinding sound of someone dragging garbage cans to the curb, an untethered dog crunching the bracken in a neighbors yard made the night look and sound so normal. To them.

"I have kept the secret, Edward. I have kept it, I have buried it. I have lied to those I love to keep it."

My parents, my friends, my tribe, and I have kept the secret and been dishonest to their faces. Doesn't that tip any kind of scale in my favor? Ever? I can't lie to those I love. I don't want to-it hurts too much.

I spoke to whatever patrolled outside in the dark. "I have been what you needed, Edward, just let me be what I need."

I was becoming lightheaded with fatigue and the potent mash of feelings I was trying to understand. I imagined myself in a large gray cement room. No windows or doors, just me in the middle, with myself. A blank box. I instinctively felt that I was safe there. Unafraid, unaware of the outside, safe from some clawing, hurtful thing. But I also rebelled against common sense, by desiring the opportunity for hurt. There was no Bella in the solid room. I wanted out. Safe or not, hurt is the balance. The possibility of misery is the bet you place before each card of life is turned over.

I rubbed the tears off my cheek with my sleeve. I sniffed, trying to stop my nose from stuffing up. I wrapped my arms around my chest and held on to my ribs. There was a slumping in my muscles, a resignation in my shoulders, a curling inward. The fight in me was ebbing away. Leaning my shoulder against the window frame, I looked wistfully outside. A car light, a streetlight and moonlight. Black shapes of pointed, feathery trees began to appear as my eyes adjusted to the dark outside. The clouds were lit up from behind like soft gray lights from the moon that would peek out every now and then.

I would have my opportunity. I will get out of the box and place that bet. I spoke facing into the chilled breeze. "Edward, I love you . . . . but I have to love me first. I have to draw the line right there. I'm sorry. Otherwise I'm no good for you."

A whisper of a breeze stirred outside. A faint hiss as the wind blew through the trees. Some leaves scuttled across the yard and the gutters. Two cool hands came from behind and took hold of my shoulders. His scent curled around me, a soft floral, like Hawaiian Wisteria, with a musk of cedar, that formed a primitive, simple, but comprehensive thought in me, one that made me almost smile at the absurdity of it: this is my man.

That is all he really is.

This made me let out an unintended chuckle. I put my fist to my mouth to silence myself, but in truth, that is what he is. Yes, he is a man. I couldn't help myself, I giggled at the sound of it.

He murmured in my ear. "Something humorous you'd like to share?"

"Not on your life." He is who I want. And please, God, let me have him.

Edward wrapped his arms around my chest. He whispered. " I have to love me, too, Bella." I could feel his cheek press into my hair. He kissed the top of my head. He held me. "And that is the most demanding of tasks."

"But, just why Edward? Tell me."

"Not on your life," he intoned.

He was gentle with his embrace, but said no more. I watched the clouds dim the moon, then move on to bring back the silver cast that moonlight lays on the earth.

" I am afraid you think too much of me," he went on. " Only I, alone, know I can never be what you see in me. And that knowledge slays me. That is a painful insecurity that is entirely unknown to me. That is my weakness."

I reached up and put my hand over his, while he continued, unguarded. " I promise I will try to live up to your image of me. Please just forgive my failure." His cheek rested in my hair. " I shouldn't expect you to have to make up for that, Bella. I am so sorry."

I was quiet, breathing softly now, watching the lights go off in Mrs. Cobbs' house across the street. If she looked out her kitchen window right now, she'd see Edward embracing me. She would certainly tell Charlie pronto. And right now? That is okay. I wanted to live this moment and would bare it to anyone who might brazenly dare challenge it.

I turned my head to kiss his hand. "It's a strength now that you told me about it."

I couldn't help myself, I parted my lips and took in his scent, deeply. Again. All in me. It filled my lungs and entered my blood, circulating and tracing itself so completely within me. I had never felt it go so far.

The tension went out with the moon as it rolled behind the soft face of the gray clouds. Now, in it's place, a certain harmony. Clear and calm. A breathing together. Well, I smiled to myself, at least one of us was breathing.

"Can I buy you a new truck?".

"Nope."