We tiptoed our way into the baby infested backyard, hoping that if we were quiet they would think we were there all along
I pulled away and stood back to get a better look of her. My quick movement made her frown. I sighed and took a step back towards her, holding both of her hands in mine. "What?" I wasn't sure what I was asking. I didn't really know what she was even talking about; still dizzy from the passionate kiss we just shared.
"I think I am ready," she repeated.
"Bella, I don't know what you are talking about. Ready for what exactly?"
She looked nervous as she walked me to the loveseat. "I should have been clearer."
I scooted closer and hugged her to me. "It's ok, take your time."
"Edward, I am ready to have a baby," she rushed. My hand that was rubbing her back paused, my body tensed. She noticed and pulled away, her eyes full of worry. She didn't say anything, waiting for me to answer, but I didn't know what to say. After a few minutes of silence, I decided it was time for me to say something.
"Bella, I think we should wait."
Her lip quivered, but she forced herself to stay strong. "Why? We have known each other for years. We have been married for a year. Why should we wait?"
"Right now, I am so busy with work. When I do come home I look forward to spending time with you. With a baby, we will never have alone time. I don't want our marriage to fall apart because of that." I didn't even bother looking at her; I already know she would have that disappointed look.
"Emmett and Rosalie have a baby and they are still very much in love with each other."
"Emmett works from home, he is always there for Rose."
"Edward, you will be a doctor for the rest of your life. If we can't have a baby now, when will we have a baby?" Her voice shook.
"I work at the emergency room, Bella. I get called in at the craziest times. Some days I am at the hospital for days. How can I just leave you here taking care of a baby, while I am constantly at work? I should be here for you incase something happens." I took a deep breath and finally looked at her. Her eyes were on the floor. I lifted her chin with my hand, forcing her to look at me. "Give me a couple of years. I am planning on starting a private practice. With a private practice, I will only be at work from eight to three everyday. I will be able to be here for you and the baby."
"A couple of years? How much is that exactly?"
I wiped away here tears that were slowly falling, internally swearing at myself for making her cry. "I really don't know," I admitted.
She nodded and pushed my hands away. I tried to reach for her but she stood up. "Where are you going?"
"I need some time to myself. I'm going to bed."
I stood up in front of her, grabbing her hands. "Bella, please do not distance yourself. I'm being honest with you. I think this is better and it will make us both happier in the long run. I love you. I don't want you in pain."
She was still avoiding looking at my eyes. "I know that. I just want some alone time. I respect what you think, and I am not going to argue with you or distance myself. I just want to be alone."
"How about I come up with you and we talk about it some more?" I didn't want to leave her alone, especially not on our anniversary.
She kissed my cheek, still avoiding my eyes. "I am respecting your wishes. Please respect mine." She pulled her hands out of mine and went up the stairs.
I followed up the stairs but passed the bedroom door, heading straight to the guest bedroom. I wanted to understand what she was feeling, but I really couldn't get why she was so upset. I wanted to have a baby, but I was scared. I was scared of our marriage falling apart. If we had a baby now, all of our attention would be focused on the baby and not us. That wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't working as much, but with the little time Bella and I had to spend with each other, having a baby would make it even more impossible for us.
I woke up the next morning with a pounding head and an aching back, the worst sleep I had in months. I turned around expecting to see Bella sleeping next to me, but I was met by empty pillows instead. That's right; I was in the guest bedroom. I lifted my head up a bit and I saw Bella standing by the door.
"Why are you sleeping here?"
"You said you wanted time to yourself." I answered groggily.
"I meant a couple of hours, not the whole night. You know I get anxious when you aren't sleeping with me." I noticed that she looked just as tired as I felt. I pushed the covers down and opened up my arms for her. She hesitated but then gave in, wrapping her arms around me and putting her head on my chest. I closed my eyes, delighting in the pleasure from the warmth of her cheeks.
"Bella, I want you to confide in me. I don't want us to end up like this, sleeping in different beds because we want alone time."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about it some more instead of pushing away from you like that."
"You want to talk about it now?" I offered.
"No I'm fine. I thought about it and I do understand why you don't want to have one right now. It would be hard not having you here all the time to help out. I can wait." She planted a small kiss on my chest.
"We will have one, I promise. You just need to give me time so that I can get settled with work."
"Another guys day in! Edward, I am surprised that you called for once wanting to hang out. Isn't this the last day of your vacation?" Emmett asked as he sprang through the door with Carmen in one arm and a case of beer in the other. Jasper quietly followed him inside. "So what is up with the spur of the moment hang out?" He asked, shoving the beer into my arms.
"Bella wasn't up to doing anything, so I suggested she should hang out with the girls tonight. She thought it was a great idea and told me that I should invite you and Jasper over."
Jasper squinted at me like he was trying to decipher something. "You and Bella try to spend as much time with each other as possible. It's your last day of your vacation, why aren't you doing the usually romantic things you do with her?" I ignored him as I turned around and placed the beer on the kitchen counter, hoping that by the time I walked back into the room he would forget.
"Edward, so what is going on?" He pushed. Of course, Jasper was not Emmett. He always noticed the obvious and he never forgot.
"Something happened last night and I upset Bella." Emmett looked up from the stack of DVDs he was sorting through, staring at me menacingly. He always warned me that he would kill me if I ever hurt Bella…even if he is my brother. "It's no big deal. She is fine now, but I can tell she is still upset. I thought that she would forget about it if she hung out with Alice and Rose for a bit." Right then Bella walked in and we all pretended to do something.
"Are you sure this is ok? I could stay home if you want me to. You did take this week off to spend more time with me."
I went over and put my arms around her waist. "I spent everyday this week with you. Alice is starting to get mad because she doesn't get to see her best friend as much. As much as I would love to spend every single hour with you, I know Alice wouldn't allow it." I gently pushed her hair and kissed her forehead. "Have fun. I love you."
"I love you too," she smiled.
I was walking with her to the door when Carmen crawled over and touched her leg. "Hey there!" Bella bent down and picked her up, Carmen immediately snuggled against her. My heart started to ache, knowing that Bella would be even more loving with a daughter of her own. I looked away, not wanting Bella to notice that I felt bad. I didn't need her to get all worried thinking that I thought I was hurting her, even though I did. She placed Carmen back on the floor and stared longingly after her as she crawled back to her dad.
She looked back up at me with a smile that looked too wide…too forced. "So I'll see you later. Have fun guys!" She called out to Emmett and Jasper.
I walked through the sliding door and to the patio where Jasper and Emmett were sitting. Emmett handed me a beer on my way to the chair. Carmen was crawling around trying to catch lightening bugs.
"So what happened?" Jasper asked. Emmett eyed Jasper curiously, he probably already forgot what Jasper was even talking about.
I sighed and leaned back into my chair. "She wants to have a baby, and I don't want one right now."
"Why? You both are great with kids. Rosalie and I are always impressed by the way you handle Carmen." He pointed toward the laughing baby.
"I do want one, I just don't want one right now. I am so busy with work that sometimes I go days without seeing Bella. The little time we do see each other is spent between us. Imagine if we had a baby. I would never be able to spend time with Bella or the baby. I'm scared that it might ruin our relationship. I want to wait until I start my private practice."
"That's understandable," Jasper agreed. "Although, I do understand why Bella would be upset. I know she is a great wife and she probably does agree with you, but that doesn't mean she is not upset."
"I still feel terrible about it."
"Don't, I think it is better. If you have a baby now, Bella will be stressed out and you will just blame yourself for working so much."
"So I'm not a bad husband?" I joked.
"No she is just a better wife," Emmett interrupted. "I think you guys would be fine with a baby, but I can't say anything because I am always here for Rose. If you will be more comfortable knowing you are around more then wait. As long as you and Bella both agree to it. Don't make it a one way relationship. Neither of you will be happy if it is only you making the decisions."
"She said she is fine." I played around with the beer bottle in my hands, knowing that Bella has said she was fine many times just so she can make me happy.
Emmett nodded, "as long as you guys are communicating then that's fine."
Jasper started to laugh. "Emmett you and Rose barely ever communicate. It is like she is talking to a brick wall."
"We have our own ways of communicating, ways that shouldn't be talked about in front of my baby," Emmett smirked.
We spent the rest of the night on the patio, drinking and talking. The sky started to darken and I felt myself dozing off when I felt two hands on my shoulders. I craned my neck and saw Bella hovering over me.
"Why are you home so early?" I slurred. I looked around and noticed that Jasper was reading a book of mine and Emmett was sleeping with Carmen on his lap.
"I missed you. Should we wake him up and send him home?" She nodded towards Emmett.
Jasper looked up from the book he was reading. "Hey Bella, can I go home now?"
She laughed as she started to massage my shoulders. I leaned into her hands. "Yes, you can go home now." Emmett woke up looking confused. Bella laughed again, "and take him with you." Emmett got up, carrying Carmen in his arms. "Oh wait!" She ran over and gave Carmen a tender kiss on the cheek, smoothing her hair out of her face.
Bella watched them go as I collected the beer bottles. Again, I saw the longing in her eyes. I knew exactly what she was thinking. How wonderful it would be to have a baby of our own. To be able to pick him up and carry him to his room, kiss him goodnight. I frowned, knowing that it was all my fault. I could easily just say let's have a baby. I am the one stopping her from having one, but at the same time I was selfish. I didn't want to share Bella, especially since I barely saw her myself. I shook my head at how stupid I was being. I was putting myself before Bella, even though I was constantly trying to convince myself that it would be better for the both of us.
She turned around once they were out of site and took some of the beer bottles from my hands. We both walked into the kitchen and threw them away, standing around silently and awkwardly, not knowing what to say. She finally sighed and walked over to me, giving me a chaste kiss.
"I'm going to bed. You should too. You are at work all day tomorrow."
"I'll be right up." I wanted to talk to my mom alone.
"Ok, but don't you dare sleep in the guest bedroom. I want you sleeping right next to me." She gave me another kiss and then went up the stairs.
I waited until I knew she was upstairs and in bed and then I reached for the phone.
"Hey mom," I answered before she had a chance to say anything.
"Edward? Isn't it late? Is something wrong?" She sounded worried.
"No everything is fine. It isn't too late for you, is it?"
"No, I am waiting for your father to come home from the hospital."
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Your father?" She asked fearfully.
"No, I want to talk about working at the hospital, being a father and a good husband all at the same time." I walked over to the couch and sat down, knowing that this conversation would take a while. "Mom, Bella wants to have a baby. I don't know how that will work out. My schedule is so busy. I only see Bella for a couple hours a day. I am afraid that if we have a baby, we will start drifting away from each other. She will always be busy with the baby, and I will be busy at work. When I come home, she will still be busy with the baby and I will have to help. We will never have time to ourselves." I gasped, "what if we have twins? There is no way it would work out if we had twins. We would be in big trouble."
Esme listened patiently while I rambled and waited until I was completely finished to speak. "Well, it's different for every couple. Your father worked close by, so he would come home during his lunch breaks. I was home the whole day so it wasn't that hard. Every time your father and I wanted time alone, we would call up a babysitter or let friends take care of you and Emmett. It was hard, I won't lie about that, but we made it."
"I don't know if it will work out. Mom…I am really selfish. I want Bella all to myself, and the time we spend together is special because we don't have much of it anymore."
"Does Bella know?"
"Parts, she doesn't really know I am mainly doing this for myself."
"I can't tell you what to do. This is up to you and Bella. Each couple is different and each couple reacts to something differently. If you think that is what is best then you should wait."
"But I know it hurts Bella. She really wants a baby, and I think it hurts her even more because of the fact that Alice wants one and can't have one, but we can easily have one but I don't want to." I croaked, I hated talking about anything that hurt Bella.
Esme was quiet for a couple of seconds but then she spoke up, "then you have to think about which one is more important, your selfishness or Bella's happiness."
I crawled under the covers feeling worse than I did before I called Esme. The conversation didn't help at all since all my mother said was that it is different for every couple. Bella sleepily turned around and placed her hand on my cheek.
"Are you ok?" I pulled her closer to me and wrapped my arms around her.
"Yea, I just need some sleep." I kissed her, but ended it quickly, feeling guilty about what I just admitted to my mother.
Hey guys! Sorry that took a while to put up. Ummm...sorry if there are any spelling errors or anything like that. Please read and review. Enjoy!