~Alternate Ending

It was like I overdosed snorting Vicodin again. I was lost inside my head, asking questions that made no sense and wondering about irrelevant things. I wondered; what did he taste like? Was his skin soft and smooth like Wilson's or rougher and more calloused like mine? How would his first name taste on my tongue? For a moment I didn't realize I was staring at him, lips parted and eyes glassed over like a little china doll's. I was more like that china doll than I knew, fragile and easy to tarnish. I more tarnished than any of them realized. No one could love me. No one should love me. I was ruined.

"Say something." Chase pleaded, wide-eyed as if surprised by his own confession.

I shook my head slightly to clear it. "You don't love me."

"I do. I tried to tell you before but I was afraid." He bowed his head to hide the flush of his cheeks. His hands clasped and he rested his chin on them as if in prayer. "I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same. I was afraid you would stop going out with me and I didn't want that to end."

"Stop being an idiot. You don't love me. If anything it's purely platonic." I snorted in humorless amusement and reached for the remote so I could successfully end this conversation.

He grabbed the remote before I could and threw it on the chair as he stood above me, hands gripping the railing of the bed. "I think about you at the most random times and it kills me. I could look at the sky and think how blue your eyes are or hear some jazz piece coming from a passing car and wonder if you've heard it before. Every time you walk into the same room as me as have to remember not to smile. Fine, call me an idiot because that's what I am but only because I didn't tell you sooner." He was looking at me intently, searching for some indication that I felt the same or at least acknowledged his admission of love.

"Why are you doing this?" I felt hurt by his confession and my heart beat painfully in my chest. It was a prison, my chest. The ribs were bars for the heart to beat against, hard and unyielding to protect it from the outside world. I broke a couple ribs once.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you get some sort of sick pleasure out of this?" The monitor was beeping loud and quick. I reached across to turn it off only to wish it was still on as the silence became more oppressive.

"Your pulse is racing. Are you afraid?" He laid his hand tenderly on my arm.

"I have no reason to be." I replied. "I'm sitting next to the world's biggest pansy."

The door slid out with a hiss and we both looked to see Wilson walk in. He must have stopped to change because his clothes and hair were both dry. He looked as if he never stepped foot outside.

"Scratch that." I said. "Second biggest."

"Am I interrupting?" Wilson asked, glancing at the hand Chase still had on my arm.

"No." I answered casually.

Wilson shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted uncomfortably in the doorway. "Can I talk to you? Alone?"

I shrugged indifferently. "Chase was just about to leave."

Chase pressed lightly on my arm before removing his hand. "I'll be around." He brushed past Wilson and I could see the tension that set in his shoulders.

"Hey, House." Wilson said after Chase had left.

"Bye, Wilson." I rolled over so I wouldn't have to see him.

"Would you let me explain?"

"You mean make excuses. I don't want to hear it. We're done."

I heard his loafers strike the floor as he came to stand by me. "That's it? You're not even going to give this another try? We can work past this."

"You don't cheat after two months if you're willing to work hard enough to move past this." I growled and grabbed the pillow to put it over my head. I was breathing warm stale air but I didn't care. I wanted him to go away. I wanted the silence to weigh in me. I wanted Chase with his soft voice and gentle hand to come back.

"I'm sorry. I didn't—"

"Didn't what? Mean to get caught? Well, you blew it. Congratulations. Don't worry I'll move out before your new girlfriend moves in. It'll be close though since you'll probably want to move her in within the week." My voice was muffled by the pillow and it was childish but I didn't care. My fingers dug into the cushion and for a moment I didn't feel so miserable or hurt.

"I don't want to move in. Please, don't move out." His voice was pleading and cracked as if he was close to tears if he wasn't already there.

"You can't help yourself. I should've known this would happen. The worst part is now I'm not even angry at you anymore." I removed the pillow and glare up at him. His eyes were rimmed red and tears were welling up. I was heartless right now; cold and unmoving. "I'm angry at myself for even entertaining the thought that this could work. We can't move past this because there will always be that doubt, that suspicion. I can't wonder if I'm sharing you with someone else. I won't."

He reached out and touched my hand. "Please don't just give this up."

"You gave up, Wilson. We're through. I don't hate you though." I added as almost an afterthought. "I can't."

"Do I still have a chance?"

"No but I will allow your presence. Mayfield has decreased my ability to hold a grudge so we can still be friends but nothing more."

"I'll keep trying, you know. I don't want this to end."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well, it was good while it lasted. I'll miss you."

"I haven't gone anywhere."

"Yeah, you have." He kissed my cheek quickly and stroked my hair with his soft hands before he left.

I felt like someone hit me in the chest. My eyes were shut tight to the world and the pillow was held firmly to my chest as air stuttered in my lungs, coming out in gasping, staccato breaths. I never heard the footsteps that came up to me. There was only the soft hand rubbing my arm, prying my hand from its death grip on the pillow to take it in its warm grasp.

"Why?" I asked, still keeping my eyes shut. "I'm a broken, misanthropic, crippled pain in the ass."

"You're not broken." Chase replied as he ran thumb over my knuckles. "Sure, you're a little bit of a misanthrope, you're crippled, and you're quite possibly the biggest pain in the ass I've ever met but it's impossible for me to find negativity in any of it."

My mouth went dry so I couldn't speak and my brain stopped forming coherent thoughts as I looked up at him. Chase was handsome in his sincerity, in his gentleness. I loved him then. It was different from Wilson. With Wilson, I felt his affections were never all there but with Chase I felt the focus of his affection. It was scary being so loved because I had never felt it before. His lips were on mine before I could have protested. I wouldn't have even if I wanted to. He tasted of chips and beer and his lips were soft. The hand he had holding mine was rougher than Wilson's but not so calloused as mine and he moved it up my arm and placed it at the nape of my neck so he could brush his thumb over my stubble. It was a different experience entirely being kissed by someone who loves you wholeheartedly. I was aware that his attention was focused on me and I loved him for that. I realized that I could never have loved Wilson the way I loved Chase but didn't endeavor to dwell on it too long because Chase had his lips parted just waiting for my tongue to enter.