AN: had the idea while watching Dead Man's Chest. Hope you enjoy it :)
Disclaimer: I don't intend to infringe on anyone's copyright. Nothing's mine.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Parody
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with this wonderful series. Except a medallion pin. It's awesome.
A hangman's noose swings ominously.
Announcer: So, you all have no rights because you may or may not be pirates, know some pirates, stood near a pirate in a bar, etc... I'm going to list the basic rights you don't have and say 'suspended' ironically whilst you all hang to death.
A poor young man is about to be hung. He's too short, so he has to stand on a barrel. And he has braces.
Short Kid w/ Braces: Hoist the colors! I'm the only one who, technically deserves to hang because I'm affiliated with some pirates. Everybody! Hoist the colors! Sing-a-long time!
Short Kid w/ Braces has a coin in his hand. This is important, but I won't tell you why.
Everyone: -sings about raising colorful flags or whatever-
Royal Soldier: Lord Beckett! They're singing! Which you obviously didn't know, seeing as you're not in this open room right next to the singing crowd of people or anything.
Lord Beckett: -has a Napoleon Complex. 'Cause he's short. And tyrannical-
Scene changes to the coin thing the kid with braces was holding and the title pops up. This is foreshadowing. The coin, not the title.
Elizabeth the Useless is in a boat, finishing the song everyone was just singing. She might be in Singapore. I don't know.
Asian Guy: Never shall we….DIE! DUN DUN DUNNN! Well, lookie hereeeeee! A British chick all alone!
Barbosa: And what makes you think she's alone, hmmmmmm?
They enter a gangsta secret Singaporean Pirate lair. And the Asian pirates make Elizabeth and Barbosa give up their weapons. Elizabeth would make an awesome redneck in this scene because she can hide bombs and guns all over.
They make Elizabeth take off her pants, but thankfully her shirts long enough to cover her, but still look slutty.
Head Asian Pirate: I'm Sao Feng and welcome to Singapore! I hope you're enjoying yourselves!
Sao Feng's nails are disgusting.
Everybody in these movies is filthy. You'd think that since they're always at sea, being pirates and all, they'd be a bit cleaner, seeing as, you know, they're always surrounded by water…Just a thought.
Look! The gorgeous Will Turner… Has been captured. He's hot and all, but he's kinda useless in this series. But not as useless as Elizabeth.
Now they're talking about some song and how it's been sung (gee, wasn't that the whole beginning of the movie…hmmm.) and how some pirates are lords and whatever. And Barbosa hands Sao Feng a coin. A coin suspiciously like the one Short Kid with Braces was holding. Which Sao Feng holds up to his ear and listens to some ominous ringing.
Jack Sparrow has been mentioned. Apparently he's in Davy Jones' Locker. I bet it's lonely there.
Now everyone's fighting because the British are getting in everyone's business and being their imperialist selves. I'm guessing the Revolutionary War hasn't happened yet, because after that, they kind of mellowed out a bit and became the awesome country with the Queen, epic accents, and Harry Potter.
Now we see Tia Dalma (the Jamaican lady) and the undead monkey.
Some music stops playing on Tia Dalma's cart and it explodes. It was apparently a fireworks cart.
Now there's a P.F. Chang's commercial on.
They're on a boat and… It's going fast and…
Tia Dalma: there's evil in these seas that even the most bloodthirsty pirates fear!
Now the Flying Dutchman bursts out of the water, not unlike a Great White Shark during Shark Week, basically reinstating Tia Dalma's statement and looking badass while doing it.
The Flying Dutchman: -blows shit up-
The poor, defenseless ship: -is blown up and obliterated-
Shorty McBeckett: I'm taking over everything. Governor Swan, you are a pansy ass. Commodore Norrington, go fetch those pirate people you failed to catch in the first two movies.
Now the Black Pearl Crew are in Antarctica. Some poor Asian guy snapped his toe off. I'm guessing that'll hurt more once his leg defrosts.
Gibbs is there. And Will and Barbosa are looking at a rotating map.
Now the Beck-sta is spying a destroyed ship with his telescope.
Beckett: Bloody Hell! The Flying Dutchman destroyed everything!
Creepy Guy: The Governors asking about the heart.
Beckett: says stuff, but I forgot it.
Davy Jones: -plays an organ all melancholy-like-
Beckett: -exerts his control over Davy Jones-
Davy Jones is scared of his heart. And he had to kill the Kraken, his wittle baby, because Beckett is an ass.
Beckett: The immaterial has become…Immaterial.
Brit Soldiers: -Threateningly point shot guns with spears on the end at the heart. -
Ooooh! Pretty starry night sky!
Elizabeth ruins it.
Will: So you still aren't talking to me?
Lizzybeth: Nope.
Tia Dalma: - says something philosophical-
Everyone starts running around, because their good and lost according to Barbosa.
Epic scene of epic edge-of-the-world-ness.
Liz: Lost! You've doomed us all!
Barbiebosa: Now, I know you're upset about Old Jack-o being, ya know, deadish and all, but that's mean. It hurts my soul.
They fall off the world. I'm sure that happens all the time.
Now there's a little snippet of sound from the super boring ride in Disney.
Now Jack is sniffing a peanut.
He uses a fork to attempt to eat said peanut, but he takes too damn long and he gets shot by himself.
Jack Number 2: My peanut.
Now there are like, a bunch of Jack Sparrow's manning the ship in various states of undress.
One of the Jack's is flirting with a goat. Another is a chicken.
Jack has a lot of tattoos.
Now he just stabbed one of his selves.
Jack: I wash my hands of this weirdness!
Jack does what he does best and jumps off the ship, via convenient rope.
Now he finds a rock. And is talking to himself.
Jack is being chased by rocks.
Jack just licked a rock. And we wonder why pirates have so many diseases.
The rock jack licked is a crab. It is stalking Jack. Jack fainted.
The crab-rock has minions. A shitload of them.
The crab rock squeaks and clicks and the crab rock minions assemble themselves to help Jack.
The bottom of the Black Pearl is barnacley.
The crabs are stealing the Black Pearl. Because they can.
Apparently, if you fall off the edge of the world, you will end up in Davy Jones's Locker and your ship will be destroyed. But you and the entire crew will survive.
Tia Dalma has crabs.
Thankfully, Jack appears with a back up ship.
Creepy Wooden Eye Guy: Boat!
Gibbs: Slap me thrice and hand me to me mamma! Jackie!
Jack: You suck at discipline, Gibby.
Gibbs: You're in the Octopus guy's locker.
Jack: I knew that. I was just testing you.
Barbosa's first name is Hector. And he's still bitter about being killed in the first movie.
Jack: I don't need saving! Especially by you, Liz!
Will: But…Beckett's an evil overlord!
Jack: Yeah, but four of you tried to kill me in the past! One of you succeeded!
They all turn and look at Useless.
Elizabeth looks guilty.
Jack and Barbie are fighting over the Pearl. And Jack's telescope isn't as big as Barbosa's.
Will and Elizabeth are talking about their problems again.
Now there are dead people in the water. The two creepy dudes who provide comic relief in all three movies want to disrespectfully drop cannon balls on them.
That's really stupid, because if you're constantly fighting with people, it'd be a good idea not to waste your ammunition. Especially not a cannon ball. I understand the appeal of dropping a cannon ball on a floating ghost in the water, though.
Elizabeth's dad is dead. This makes her voice all annoyingly high pitched. But this part is sad, so I'll refrain from making fun of her or Governor Swan's ugly wig out of respect.
The monkey stole Creepy Wooden Eye Guy's wooden eye.
Jack likes rum and wenches. But not every ten years.
Jack figures everything out. Now he's rocking the boat.
Jack: Oh look! No! Over there!
Everyone: He's rocking the ship!
The creepy guys tie themselves to the mast. Upside down. Clearly, they are the epitome of genius.
Everyone is running back and forth, trying to flip the Black Pearl. They succeed.
Will lets go of the boat and has to hold onto a rope.
They are underwater for a really long time. Most people would have drowned.
Pirates are not most people. Obviously.
Now they are back in the world where there is a war going on between the British Government and pirates. Conveniently at sunrise. This is kind of like Harry Potter. The war part, not the sunrise. Except its not like Harry Potter at all.
Everyone who is important to the series points their guns at each other. Including the parrot and the undead monkey.
All the pirates seem to have forgotten that you can't shoot with wet gunpowder.
There is an awkward moment before shit gets serious again.
Now they're arguing about who gets to stay on the ship.
Jack felt incompetent with his short telescope. Now he has a super long telescope, but it's curved.
There is a commercial for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter on. I am hyperventilating.
Little Girl in 'Despicable Me' Commercial: IT'S SO FLUFFY!
Now the merry band of pirates find a dead Singaporean dude in a pond. Barbie tastes the nasty water.
Barbie: The waters been poisoned by the body.
Obviously. There is, after all, a dead body in it. Its like corpse flavored tea.
This scene grosses me out since a dead body's muscles relax, causing it to empty it's bladder. So Barbosa just drank some guys nasty, bloody, pee water. Yum.
Now they've all been kidnapped by Beckett and Sao Feng. Sao Feng double crosses Will.
Creepy British Guy double crosses Sao Feng.
Beckett and Jack are having tea and crumpets and merrily discussing the Brethren Court and the nine pieces of eight.
Sao Feng thinks Elizabeth is Calypso. She is not.
Sao Feng: I call the Useless Wonder!
Elizabeth: Oh hell no!
Sao Feng: Barbs, we gots a deal?
Barbie: Yup.
Will: Nuh-uh bitch!
Useless gets upset at Will for defending her. This is why she is useless. For more useless-ness, see the entire first movie.
Eliz-a-loser: Yes-huh! Deal!
Now everyone is fighting. Jack escapes Beckett's lair in a dramatic fashion.
Jackie-o: And I did that without a single drop of rum! Envy me, bitchez!
Beckett's boat's mast collapses, thanks to Jack. The Beck-ster is bitter.
Norrington: Do you think he plans it all, or just makes it up as he goes along?
We may never know.
They clean Liz up a bit, put some diamonds on her, and Sao Fen eats a leaf.
Lizzie-loser conveniently forgets to mention that she is not Calypso. In fact, she pretends she is.
Sao Feng kisses Eliz-a-liar. This is like, the 254354364364809-09-08645432657890-98765 guy she has kissed in these movies.
Sao Feng is dying. He makes Liz the captain of the Singaporeans. She is not from Singapore, just so you know.
Norrington conveniently shows up. The Singaporeans accept Liz-a-loser as their captain. She gets thrown in the Flying Dutchman's dungeon. She finds Will's daddy.
Bootstrap Bill has a starfish on his face.
Elizabeth screws everything up by existing. Yet again.
Bootstrap disappears into the wall. He forgets the entire conversation he just had with Liz-a-Loser.
If only we all could.
There are bodies tied to barrels floating in the water. Apparently Will is now a serial killer. Or he just enjoys tying dead bodies to barrels and dumping them in the ocean for the East India Company (a.k.a. The Beckmeister) to find. Conveniently.
Jack gives Will the compass. He then shoves Will overboard by violently breathing in his face.
Will affixes himself to a conveniently floating dead body tied to a barrel.
How convenient for Will.
Norrington lets Captain Useless out of Azkaban: Dutchman Edition.
Captain Useless: What'cha dooooooin'?
Norrington: Choosing a side. Because my destiny told me to.
As they escape, Captain Useless tries to get Norrington to go with her. They kiss. Captain Useless is a seventeenth century pirate-flavored skank.
Will's daddy kills Norrington. This is sad.
Octopus Overlord steals Norrington's sword.
Jack: I once sailed with a guy with half an eye, a leg and an arm.
Gibbster: What was his name? Something clever?
Jack: …Larry.
Barbs: Tia Dalma, you are a fish wife. To the brig! Because you are Calypso.
Creepy Guy: Let's go, Mrs. Fish.
Captain Octopus, Beckmeister, and Free Willy are enjoying some tea.
Cap'n Octopus spills Willie's tea. This angers The Will-sta.
They discuss Calypso, the Brethren Court, and other seemingly unimportant things.
The Brethren Court has convened.
Apparently, the wooden eye is Barbie's piece of eight.
The Chinese Pirate Lady is the only other female pirate lord. I'm sure you needed to know that.
Barbosa: Hey everybody, guess what. We should free Calypso!
Pirate Lord: Shoot him!
French Pirate Lord: Cut out his tongue!
Jack-sta: Shoot him AND cut out his tongue, then shoot his tongue!
Overkill, Jack. Overkill.
Calypso is in jail. Davy Jones visits her. It's a conjugal visit.
Calypso is technically the goddess of immortality, according to Google. She shows Cap'n Octopus what he looks like when he's not a fish.
He grabs her by the throat with his crabby claw.
Calypso is bitter and angry about being in a human form.
The Brethren are still arguing about releasing Calypso.
Barbs calls upon the Code. Sesumbaj-the Indian pirate lord says to hang the Code.
This makes Captain Teague very, very angry, since he's the Keeper of the Code. He takes his job seriously.
So seriously that he shoots the Indian Pirate Lord's speaker of the house.
FYI, the guy who plays Cap'n Teague is a member of The Rolling Stones. And Jack's dad. Cap'n Teague, not Keith Richards (a.k.a. Rolling Stone)
The dog from the first two movies who always has the keys is back.
They all vote on a new Pirate King.
French Pirate Lord: Me!
Mistress Cheng: Meeeee!
Indian Lord's speaker: He votes for himself.
African Pirate Lord: Me!
Captain Useless: Me.
Barbosa: Moi.
Jack: Elizabeth Swan!
Everyone: -gets mad-
Mistress Cheng: What do you say, Captain Swan?
Captain Useless: I accept. I shall lead you uselessly.
The entire Brethren Court assembles in the pre-assigned war spot.
They see a single ship appear dramatically in the mist. They cheer.
The rest of Beckett's fleet appears and all hope is lost.
Beckett, Will, Captain Octopus, Barbie, Jack, and King Useless all meet on a random sandbar.
Captain Octopus is standing in a bucket of water… I don't know how he got on the sandbar and in the bucket. I don't really care.
Becksy: Jack-o! thanks for betraying your Brethren and delivering them to me! Who's a good boy!
They discuss a bit more.
King Useless: I'm the King so I say we give them Jack and take Will. I'm pretty sure it's a fair trade.
Barbosa sees the flaws in King Useless' plan, but he's not the King of the Brethren Court, so his opinions don't matter.
They trade. Barbie steals Jack's dangly hair coin thing. Undead monkey gets to carry it.
Will: Barbosa! We can't release her! I have a hunch that a possible maelstrom may appear and bad stuff will happen!
Barbosa: Yeah, well, I don't care what you or King Useless thinks. So, we gotta burn the nine pieces of eight and lovingly say, "I release you from your human-ness".
Barbosa does this, but it fails at first because Barbie is a bad lover.
Ex-Wooden Eye Guy: You did it wrong! Here, let me!
Ex-Wooden Eye Guy: - succeeds-
Calypso gets high off the burning crap in the bowl and expands to epic proportions. Amazingly, her dress manages to expand to precicely cover her, eben though she went from like 4 ft to 12 feet tall.
Calypso shouts some stuff and bursts into a zillionthousand crab rocks.
King Useless gets everyone pumped to go to war.
King Useless: HOIST THE COLORS!
Everyone: -hoists their colors inspirationally-
It rains.
Theres a maelstrom, thanks to Calypso.
Cap'n Octopus: ….Calypsoooooooooo….
The Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman both sail into the maelstrom. And for those that don't know, a maelstrom is a big as whirlpool. And a whirlpool is a swirling, raining, death trap.
Jack is in DutchAzkaban. He loses his brain. Poor Jack.
The Pearl and Dutchman shoot at each other from across the maelstrom.
The two British Soldiers from the first movie argue, letting Jack escape with the chest that contains the source of all the problems, a.k.a. Octopus guy's heart.
Speaking of Cap'n Octopus, he kills the creepy Brit guy with his tentacley beard. It's gross. But he gets the key to his heart back, and creepy Brit was, well, creepy, so I guess it's ok.
The back of Cap'n Octopus' head looks sooooo squishy. I want to poke it.
Jack and Octopus chat a bit, but Jack flees with his usual flair.
They sword fight on top of the ship. While its leaning towards the Pit of Death; this seems impractical to me.
King Useless is single, and Will likes it, so he puts a ring on it.
Will: Pikachu! I choose you!
King Useless: I choose… Barbosa! Pretend to be an official marry-er person and legally marry us, right quick!
Barbie: Yeah sure, whatever!
While fighting for their lives, Will and Elizabeth say their vows.
Barbie: I now pronounce you husband and wife! Kiss her!
Will and King: -kiss in the rain while everyone dies around them-
Creepy Squared and the Monkey: Aweeeee!
Will and his dad fight a bit and so do Octoman and Jacky.
Now Mrs. Useless Turner fights Octopus.
Will sees this and gives his dad a knife before stabbing Cap'n Octoman.
It fails. Octoman makes some witty remarks.
Jack and Octoman talk a bit. Then Cap'n Octopus stabs Will in the heart.
Elizabeth gasps, Jack, who's holding the heart of Cap'n Octopus Jones, makes a split second decision. Also, Will's dad is understandably pissed.
Then, we see the heart stabbed. And Will's hand falls lifelessly from the hilt of the blade. Will, who had been stabbed in the freaking HEART like, five minutes ago, dies.
Mrs. Turner is screaming. The Fishy Sailors are chanting. Jack and Elizabeth fly away and the Dutchman with Will's lifeless body sinks to the depths.
Jack and King Turner are back on the Pearl. The crew of the Pearl are all for leaving, since there are like, a gazillion enemy ships out there. But Jack says to wait so they wait.
Becky: Why are they waiting? Can't they sense my victory?
Beckett's ship is prepared to fight and is sailing towards the Pearl. Then, the Flying Dutchman bursts from the sea with Will steering. The Pearl and The Dutchman align themselves on either side of Becketts ship.
They obliterate it, epically defeating The BeckMonster.
Beck-Beck: Its….good… Business…
Becky's ship explodes in million dollar, award winning deliciousness.
Beckett is engulfed by flames.
From underwater, we see an East India Trading Company flag. Then a body that may or may not be Beckett's falls into it, symbolically.
The Dutchman and Pearl sail away, like the badass ships they are.
Everyone on the winning side cheers as the losers sail pitifully away.
Jack: Here, Gibbs. I'll allow you to throw my hat!
Gibby: Whoopie! –throws hat-
Jack-o-lantern: Now fetch it.
Bootstrap: It sucks that you only get to see your new wife once every ten years.
Will: Yeah, kinda.
Back on the Black Pearl, its Elizabeth's going away party.
Barbie: Bye, Mrs. Turner.
Creepy 1: Bye… Poppet.
Creepy 2: -waves-
Jack: See you. Enjoy yourself. Stay safe. And we would never have worked out.
Elizabeth and Will consummate their marriage on a beach. The Will has to go. He lovingly caresses her knee with his lips. Then he gives her the chest with his heart in it.
Will: Here you go. It was always yours. I just hadn't wrapped it yet.
King Turner: Oh, Will.
They kiss. Will disappears. Then the Flying Dutchman disappears in the Green Flash.
Now Jack is walking with two prostitutes.
The Pearl is gone, because Barbie stole is. Gibbs was asleep.
Jack gives his hookers to Gibbs after insulting them end everyone gets slapped.
On the Pearl, Barbosa discovered that Jack is a sneaky bastard when he opens his rotating map and finds a gaping hole in it.
Jack sails off on his tiny boat with some rum and his stolen rotating map wheel that leads him to the Fountain of Youth.
Credits roll.
And if you have ever seen the DVD, you know that at the very end, a scene depicts Elizabeth and her son who may or may not be Will, waiting on a cliff ten years later.