The Switch
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Chapter Five: Howard and Vince Reach Their Climax
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"Where've you lot been?"
Howard dragged Vince's feet into the shop with all the grace and elegance of a half-drowned zombie. Naboo, who was sitting at the counter of the shop examining the mysterious box, glanced up at him with a mild expression.
"We almost died, Naboo, but thank you so much for asking," he spat sarcastically. The real Vince, looking incredibly discouraged but otherwise no worse for the wear, shuffled into the shop behind him.
"It was awful. There were weird little dolls everywhere, and a big snake, and I had to address envelopes in a small room for hours. Then we almost had our melons balled."
"Speaking of balls, you need to get yours checked. That's not friendly, man-to-man advice, either—I'm meaning your crystal one," 'Vince' added accusingly, jabbing his finger in the direction of the crystal seeing ball. 'Howard' leant back against the door with a sigh of frustration.
"At least we got away from that sock snake," he mentioned weakly.
"Yes, we did, but what have we actually accomplished?" 'Vince' shot back, raising his voice. "We managed to escape, but we never actually sorted out our problem, now did we?"
"I sorted it out while you were away, actually," Naboo noted, rounding the counter. "But I'm not sure if you're going to want to hear what must be done."
'Vince' collapsed into Naboo's empty seat. "I don't think you have to worry about that. At this point I think I'd do anything to put an end to this day."
"Except for licking stamps," 'Howard' warned, settling in next to the real Howard. Naboo stood solemnly in front of them both.
"I'm afraid the only way to switch back to your rightful forms is through a ceremony of the most intimate nature."
The pair of shopkeepers regarded Naboo quizzically.
"You must know each other, in an emotional and purely physical way," he continued. "You must each experience the other, moving as one. Breathing as one. Finding bliss as one. Spending a brief, pure moment completely in tandem."
There was an awkward pause as the implications of Naboo's speech slowly sunk in.
"What, win a three-legged race?" 'Howard' queried, eyes wide and completely oblivious. 'Vince' shot him a dirty look.
"He's talking about making love, you berk," he snapped, trying not to blush.
"I'll leave you two alone for a while," Naboo announced delicately, excusing himself to go upstairs.
In the shop, the silence grew thick around the two men, who sat with their shoulders tense from the weight of their discomfort. 'Howard' let out a low whistle, still stunned by the news. The silence drew on.
"Vince… in light of this… development… I think you have a right to know something. Because I feel it will be useful in the minutes to come…" 'Vince' began, holding his chin up in a brave, noble sort of way. 'Howard' looked to him understandingly, eyes encouraging him to continue.
"I am… not insignificantly attracted to you, in that body."
'Howard' stared at him for a moment before bursting into laughter.
"Have you gone completely insane?"
"There's nothing funny or strange about a man being attracted to another man," 'Vince' announced hotly.
"You're not attracted to another man, though, are you? You're attracted to yourself!" 'Howard' countered. "That's well creepy! If anyone should be attracted to anyone, I should be attracted to you."
"Is that right?"
"Absolutely, it's right!"
"Come on, Vince," 'Vince' scoffed. "Get real. Look at me, then look at you. Right now you're a juicy specimen of raw, unbridled masculinity. An erotic hickory tree. A provocative man sundae with a cherry-mustache on top."
"You're all thirteen flavors stacked on top of each other on a sugar cone," 'Howard' retorted, motioning to 'Vince''s body. "I'm rum raisin if I'm having a good day."
"You're sensual red velvet cake."
'Howard' laughed. "You're off your rocker."
"Not an hour ago I was mistaken for a child's doll looking like this," 'Vince' shot back, gesturing along the length of Vince's torso. "You, however, are in the body of a maverick. A true man's man."
"You're in the body of an everyone's man. Everyone's attracted to you, you transcend gender."
"I'm a baby bird with a fancy hairdo," 'Vince' declared. "I'm attractive to sequin fetishists and near-sighted lesbians."
'Howard' rolled his eyes, hiding a laugh. "Unbelievable. I still can't believe you want to bum yourself."
'Vince' took a moment to glare at him, but soon looked away nervously.
"So, I guess this is the only way."
"I guess so."
"After all these years…"
'Vince' looked down, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt while his cheeks burned.
"Let's just… get this over with, shall we?"
"Yeah, whatever," 'Howard' sighed in resignation.
'Vince' awkwardly put his hand on 'Howard''s thigh. 'Howard' made a face as if nauseous, but swallowed and nodded shortly. Vince, (the real Vince), being the more experienced of the two, gently cupped 'Vince''s cheek and leaned in, wrinkling his nose slightly. Being Howard behind the scenes, it was the first time that Vince's body had ever trembled in anticipation of a kiss. 'Howard' was faring a little better, but it wasn't the kiss that he was worried about.
"Please be gentle," 'Vince' quavered loudly in a way that made 'Howard' heave an uneasy sigh.
"Maybe don't talk so much, yeah? Or at all, really."
"Okay…" 'Vince' breathed, terrified. At any second, he realized, the slowly leaning part of their venture would be through, and where would that leave them? His eyelids fluttered clumsily shut, like twin butterflies overtaken with epilepsy, and he arranged his lips in what he prayed was the shape of a pucker.
The moment was quickly interrupted by Naboo descending the stairs with a small potion bottle in each hand.
"Seriously, though, a sip each of this potion and you'll be right as—"
Naboo halted, staring at the two shopkeepers leaning towards each other and wearing the most ridiculous expressions he had ever seen.
"I was kidding, before, you know," he told them, completely repulsed. 'Howard' and 'Vince' leapt back from one another, 'Vince' coughing and hiding a blush and 'Howard' adjusting his hair with one hand and pretending to be completely nonchalant.
"…You two disgust me," he announced after a beat. "You're just lucky Bollo isn't here to see you in this state."
He set the potion bottles on the counter between the two men.
"Drink this and go get lost for a while so I can scrub steel wool on my brain."
As he disappeared up the stairs, he shot the two of them one last revolted glare.
"Idiots."
The silence that followed was even more painfully uncomfortable than the previous one. 'Howard' cleared his throat.
"Well, that solves… that," 'Vince' offered awkwardly.
'Howard' puffed his cheeks out in an exhale, not speaking or making eye contact with the real Howard, who was nervously drumming a short beat on his thighs.
"Right then," 'Vince' announced after a moment, trying to seem businesslike. "Shall we, ah, partake?"
'Howard' eagerly grabbed at one of the bottles. "That would be a world of yes," he drawled, still avoiding 'Vince''s eye contact as he swung the potion towards his companion in a brief toast. "Here's to never touching each other ever again."
'Vince' chuckled awkwardly. "Cheers."
Not moments after they both held the potions to their lips, however, did the shop's bell jingle. 'Vince' and 'Howard' both looked past the mysterious box to the door.
Standing before them, heralded by an ominous crack of thunder and lightning, was the giant yarn and sock snake.
"Got you now," it rumbled in its low voice.
'Vince' and 'Howard' screamed out in fear as the creature barreled into the shop. 'Vince' winced as it sent a jazz record display flying with a swipe of its tail.
The two shopkeepers leapt up, rounding the counter to try and get to the door, but the snake had turned to head them off with a deep chortle.
As the snake spun around, however, its tail managed to knock Naboo's locked box from the counter to the space of floor between itself and its prey. As if in slow motion, the padlock shattered and the darkened, scratched-on runes began to glow with an ancient magic. The box's lid flew off.
"NO!" Naboo yelled as he ran down from the stairs, but the damage had been done. The contents of the box spilled out onto the floor, right in the center of the shop.
The slow motion stopped as all of the members of the shop stared, nonplussed, at small, slippery pile.
"Fish?" 'Vince' questioned, confused. Naboo threw his hands up in a mild sort of frustration.
"My red herrings!" he exclaimed, disappointed. "I was going to eat those later."
'Vince' and 'Howard' both stared at the tiny shaman.
"Herrings?" 'Vince' echoed in disbelief. "That's what you had in your big scary juju box?"
'"Then why'd you make such a big deal about us not opening it, you big blueberry?"
Naboo crossed his arms defensively. "What, like I need a reason to keep you dickbags from messing with my stuff?"
Unfortunately, it was at that moment that the snake decided to recover from its surprise at the appearance of the herrings. With a guttural snarl, it lunged at its hapless victims. 'Howard' and 'Vince' each dove in different directions out of the way, causing the snake to smash into the cabinet they'd been standing against. Naboo winced as a muffled shatter emanated from its inside. 'Howard' and 'Vince' scrambled over to the wall on the opposite side of the shop.
The shop's bell jingled again.
"Howard, look!" 'Howard' exclaimed in wonder, pointing at the door.
With wings spread wide and glimmering in the moonlight, a large, scarred owl flew into the shop. In its silvery talons, it clutched the trowel that Howard had left behind at the community garden.
"My trowel!" 'Vince' cried as the owl swooped over and dropped the sacred instrument between the two men. With a mighty hoot, it circled back around, another jingle of the door heralding its exit.
There was no time to lose. 'Vince' swiftly reached down to grab at the tool as the snake shook its head, still disoriented from the impact of the cabinet.
"Wait…" he suddenly realized. "I can't do this."
'Howard''s eyes widened in alarm. "What do you mean you can't do it?" he yelped, voice cracking in a very Vince-like manner. "Pick up the trowel and give it to him good!"
'Vince' straightened dramatically, looking into the distance. "This trowel was specially crafted by the artisan garden monks of the great garden mountains," he explained somberly. "Designed to fit only my hands. Designed for me to wield. Designed to be a part of me."
He turned to face 'Howard' again, his mouth set in a brave line as he gripped the taller man's arm. "Now it must be a part of you."
'Howard' looked down at his hands. They were indeed the hands of Howard Moon, and the wisdom of his friend's words dawned on him. He was in Howard's body. Only he could wield the trowel.
The yarn and sock snake had managed to turn itself around, and gave a low growl of annoyance as stared its quarry down.
"Now, Vince!" 'Vince' cried out as the snake began to barrel towards them. 'Howard' grabbed at the trowel on the floor and with a warlike shout, plunged it deep into the yarn snake's chest as the creature flew into them.
'Howard' twisted the trowel, half terrified by his nerve, and wrenched it out. It burst out of the snake's torso tangled in a knotted mess of red string, and the behemoth let out a hoarse moan.
"Quick!" 'Howard' urged, grabbing at some of the string and pulling on it frantically. 'Vince' snatched more string from the wound and began yanking as quickly as he could, one hand following the other.
The snake shrieked horribly as it began to unravel. As the pair pulled, the red string in their hands gave way to blue, then black, then deep green—soon, 'Vince' and 'Howard' were pulling at the thick beige fibers of its skin and the reds and purples of its yarn scales, until all that was left was a large pile of thread and white stuffing. After tense moment, the glowing light of the creature's eyes slowly faded to black.
'Howard' sighed in relief, sliding down against the wall his back had been pressed against. 'Vince' too let out an exhale, regarding his friend with pride.
"That was… some of the best trowel work I've ever seen," he admitted. "I mean that. Your technique was sublime."
'Howard' smiled a little, looking up at 'Vince' and tucking a piece of his hair behind one ear. "It was all instinct, really," he amended humbly. "As soon as this body had that trowel in its massive hand, it was all over."
'Vince' returned the smile and offered his hand to pick 'Howard' up off the floor.
"I've got tears in my eyes," Naboo deadpanned, earning glares from his tenants. "Now who's going to clean up this mess?"
'Vince' and 'Howard' guiltily surveyed the damage done to the shop—the floor looked like it could have been a yarn ocean, complete with a school of herring navigating its waters. Ironically, one of the several smashed knick knacks that had fallen onto the floor was a small china tugboat.
"Bollo?" 'Vince' guessed hopefully. Naboo threw two brooms to them.
"Get to it."
'Howard' sighed.
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On the next installment of The Switch:
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- Howard and Vince make headlines
- Howard and Vince are silent and manly
- Howard's shirt comes off in a hurry (you'll see)
- Naboo revisits his crystal ball and the Howard-mocking ensues
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Stay tuned!