Whilst I actually think Syed as he is played in Eastenders would be very unlikely to ever come out voluntarily I wanted him to for this story. I hope you like this chapter although there is a lot of sadness. It has made me do a bit of research into the Muslim faith which is fascinating and for those of you who are interested there is a fantastic documentary on YOU TUBE made by channel four a few years ago looking at what it is like to be Bristish, Gay and Muslim. There are also some very good forums and personal experiences on the net. Reviews greatly appreciated.

Chapter two –Syed tells his parents

When Syed got to his parents, his mother was still in her dressing gown, boiling the kettle, cooking eggs. His father was sitting at the table reading the paper. They looked so relaxed, Syed almost lost his nerve. Zainab started on him as soon as he walked through the door.

"Morning Mum, Dad, Tamwar" he said acknowledging his brother who sat in the corner reading.

"Syed, where have you been? Have you been out all night again? It's no way to carry on Syed. You will soon be a married man. What is this need to stay at your friends so often when you have a perfectly good bed here at home to sleep in?"

" I haven't been with my friends" said Syed feeling sick with nerves, "I've been with the person I love.

"Am I hearing right, are you telling me that you have stayed all night at Amira's?" Zainab's voice had risen to a dangerous pitch "Do you not understa…"

"No Mum, I'm not saying that …I stayed at Christian's."

"Christian's!" said both his mother and father. Tamwar raised his head from his book

"Why would you stay at Christian's? You can easily walk back from his," said his father

"Syed, have you lost your mind?" said Zainab. "What will people think if they see you leaving Christian's in the morning? The man is a homosexual. If people ever thought that about you…. It would be easier for us to say you were dead! Why would you stay at Christian's?"

Syed looked at his mother, willing her to understand, to stop him having to say it. She had always forgiven him first, loved him the best.

"Wait a minute, said Tamwar. "I swear you just said… didn't you just say… you stayed with the… person you love?"

Syed couldn't answer, he felt hot. The situation seemed to have an unreal quality, as if he were watching himself doing this thing, telling his parents. He looked at his mother and she saw the admission in his face.

"No," said Zainab, shaking her head, she looked terrified. She laughed nervously and then, like a sudden change of weather, her face clouded, turned an ashen grey, as if drained of blood "No, Syed,"she said again shaking her head.

His father spoke.

"Syed?"

"Of course, they were sorting out wedding details!" said Zainab. "And it got late, you didn't want to disturb us, that's it Syed, yes?" she said the words quickly, confidently, as if she could will them to be true, replace the reality.

"No Mum," said Syed quietly, inwardly asking for strength, thinking of Christian waiting for him, Christian who loved him, whom he loved.

"Tamwar's right ... I said I stayed with the person I 'm in love with."

There was a deathly silence in the room

"Is this some sort of… confession you're making Syed?" said his father

"Syed you're frightening me, said Zainab, "this is not something to joke about! Why would you say such a thing? I want you to stop this right now."

"No Zee, listen to him, I think Syed is trying to tell us something, another thing we don't know about, and Syed you really beat them all when it comes to revelations don't you? You know I was just starting to relax and actually believe that you wanted to contribute to this family, rather than tear it down."

"Dad," said Syed. He could feel his whole body shaking. "I don't want to hurt any of you; you matter more than anything to me. I'm just trying to be honest, to show you who I am."

"No Syed!" said Zainab. "Y... you…you're just confused. I know it is hard for you modern young men to wait, maybe you have developed some strange ideas but you should be pleased that Amira is a good girl and you'll soon be marri…."

"Mum please!" begged Syed cutting her short. "I am not confused, not any more. I have just seen Amira. I've told her, she knows mum. This is not a new feeling, I've always felt it, I've just been fighting it. I would give anything not to be this way. I've had to hide it from you, from everyone. I wish I could be the person you want me to be, make you proud of me. But the wedding. I can't go through with it. I so much wanted your love, your approval, I've been going along with it but I can't do that to Amira. Can't you see? It's been torture trying to live this double life, trying to be something I'm not. I am trying to be honest… to face up rather than running away…"

Masood made a noise of disbelief, "And when did this' honesty is the best policy' start to kick in, Syed? Who else knows? Or are we the first to be blessed with your honesty?"

"No, no Syed – this is not true, I won't believe it. You have been corrupted, brainwashed." said Zainab

"Listen to him Zee, listen to what he is telling us..." said Masood

"No I will not listen! It's your fault!" said Zainab rounding on her husband, furious in her disbelief and distress. "You have never loved him properly – so jealous of your own son, "

"Mum please!"

"You be quiet Syed, I know what is happening here!" She turned back to her husband "He's searching for a proper father figure, and that is why he has made this mistake, has turned to Christian!" she shrieked the words looking wild eyed, horrified.

Masood stood up

"How dare you throw that at me Zainab? How dare you accuse me of not loving my own son? I took him back after everything he did. I let him in our house and I trusted him all over again. It is you who have divided us by always putting him first and now Zainab here is your precious son telling us himself who he is and still you refuse to hear him, to really see him. You want him to be who he is in your head. You've always looked at him and seen him how you want him to be. But that is not who he is Zee and I have always known that and loved him anyway!"

"Dad!" said Syed, his eyes filling with tears, his face full of hope, taking a step toward his father.

"Don't touch me Syed, you stay where you are. It's always you at the centre of this family's troubles. Your mother is blind when it comes to you. Blind. So Zee how are we going to deal with this? You can't sweep this away. Our son is telling us he is homosexual – he is also telling us Zainab, that he has been with this man, maybe other men too.

"You made the wrong choice brother." said Tamwar with disgust.

"It's not a choice! You think I would choose this? I'd do anything to make it different, it's who I am Tamwar."

"NO!" shouted Zainab. "No I will not listen to any of you any more. You have got a disease Syed, a disease of the mind. You are not well, you need help. It is living in this depraved society. This could never happen in Pakistan... That Christian, flaunting it everywhere like it is acceptable to do these filthy things!"

"Please don't talk about him like that"

"He has corrupted your mind! Spreading his illness to my family! We must deal with this, we will get help for you Syed. You must see a doctor, a psychiatrist, and you must pray for forgiveness. Pray every day, every hour until you are yourself again. We will send you to Pakistan and you will stay with family there. We will say you are ill with stress from overwork"

"Zainab" said Masood shaking his head.

"Mum," Syed was weeping, "Mum you have to stop. In Pakistan I can be stoned for who I am. It's not an illness. I have been on the internet and there are so many other people like me, Muslims, mum, people who love their faith and their families, in Pakistan too."

"Yes mum" he said talking over her noises of protest "They marry and make their lives and their wives lives a misery and a mockery! They hide what they do; they live in fear every day. It's no life. I'm born here mum and I'm born this way. I know it is forbidden, but please try and understand what it's been like for me!"

"You selfish…." Tamwar began, but Syed continued

"I've prayed every day to be to be different, to be able to make you happy. I've denied these feelings, treated Christian terribly and he's kept loving me mum, he's kept loving me. I've lied to Amira. Would you rather I hide? Treat the people I love with cruelty and disrespect? Lie to you, to Amira? Islam says it is a sin, but it is not the only interpretation, many Muslim scholars acknowledge this. I read the prophet Lut again and again for answers and it says that men are punished for rape and abuse not for consenting with someone they love. There are all sorts of people in this world, I have prayed, I have asked for help. I've been to the Imam..."

"You what?" said Tamwar

"I had to talk to someone, I needed answers and he gave me nothing, but I couldn't lie to him."

"You seem to have managed pretty well up to now" said Tamwar, not hiding his contempt.

"Yeah Tam, but you're capable of lying too, remember?" said Syed "You didn't want to let your family down either"

"You can't compare....!" began Tamwar, but his mother cut in.

"Syed I tell you again, we will get you help and you must marry Amira soon – we will bring the wedding forward and this will help these 'urges to go away."

"Are you completely out of your mind woman? Our son is telling us he is a homosexual! He can not marry Amira. It is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Would you wish that upon your daughter? He will make Amira's life a misery. She doesn't deserve that. Syed you are bringing a shame upon us all, we will all suffer if people find this out. Our family can't survive this if it comes out. I hope the Imam can keep it quiet. We all know what must happen. You have to leave us Syed. You go find your own way whatever that is. I think you know this all ready. You have made a choice and you have chosen Christian, you have not chosen your family."

"That's not true dad, please try and understand"

"Syed, you need to leave. Take your things and if you have any love for us you will leave the square, take that man with you. We can not work with him any longer. If you walk away now Syed. maybe I can still find some respect for you, for that."

"Dad…I'm so sorry ... I"

"Syed, I want to remember that you had enough care for us to walk away and not humiliate and shame us further. We still have to face our community."

Zainab sat head in hands weeping uncontrollably, making sounds of intense pain.

"Mum"

Tamwar had his arm around her. He looked at Syed and Syed could see no compassion in his eyes. His father looked suddenly very old and tired. Syed, his eyes blinded with tears hunched his shoulders and left, stepping into a darkness and emptiness that he couldn't face alone. He needed Christian. Christian's strength, Christian's arms to hold him. Only Christian would tell him he had done the right thing. He was heartsick, shivering, feeling one moment hot, the next cold. So this was it. His father was telling him there was no going back. He'd lost nearly everything that mattered in one short hour. He pulled his collar up and headed straight for Christian's, his rock and the only refuge left.