Chapter 41
Indecisive

I thought that I would be relieved after the Volturi left, instead I felt even worse. My stomach was knotted up and I felt like I was going to be sick…I knew that wasn't possible though. I stood between them. The two people I am irrevocably in love with.

Antoine and Jacob stood on either side of me, Jacob to my left and Antoine to my right. Now was the hard part…choosing. I had to choose which guy I wanted to be with, which one I was going to hopefully spend the rest of my life with.
Which one I'd give my heart and soul to.

I looked down at the ground, trying to figure out what to do. I felt their eyes burning into me. My left side felt on fire and my right side felt as cold as ever. I needed to figure out which feeling I liked best, one problem though…I loved them both.

No one was talking. Why wasn't anyone talking? Everyone just stood there staring at me, as if they were waiting for something. I guess deep down inside I knew what they were waiting for. They were waiting for me to tell one to leave and tell the other to stay. I looked over at my mother. She'd understand that this isn't something that I could do with everyone standing around watching.

She gave me a nod and then turned to the group.

"Why don't we all scan through the forest…just to make sure there isn't anything going on." She suggested.

Everyone nodded and in a flash they were all gone. And there we stood again…me in the middle. I took a deep breath and walked out of the middle and stood in front of them. My eyes went back and forth between them. Their eyes never unlocked there gaze from me.

"Antoine—"

"Look before you say anything, I need you to know that I haven't lied to you."

"I object to that." Jacob said defensively.

"Oh really? Well to be completely honest, I don't think that she wants to ever make out with a do—"

"Stop, stop! Enough!" I shouted. I ran in-between them.

"Now, I love you both, but I don't know if I can do this." I confessed.

"I…I need time alone with you…with each of you. I just dong know how I can make this decision…please…just give me time." I pleaded.

They both nodded slightly.

"I have to go home. I need…to think about this." I whispered. I walked over to each of them and kissed them on the cheek and left.

I ran through the woods as fast as I could. I felt a hole beginning to form in my heart and I didn't know what to do about it.
I finally reached my house, I hoped that no one would be there, for I didn't want to discuss today at all.

I slowly opened the door, expecting to see a full house, hoping to see an empty one.
My hope, however, was not answered. Everyone stood in the house, gathered in a line. They all stood there, staring me down. As I closed the door, I could feel their eyes burning into my back.
I turned around slowly, praying that their eyes had found a new body to focus on.
My prayer again…was not answered. They stared at me, waiting for my words.

"Well?" Alice asked.

"I uh—I told them I needed some time to think about it…and that I need some alone time with each of them." I answered.

"That's…that's a…that's a good idea. You need to be sure." My mother said.

I started toward my room, but my father was in front of my door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to think about this."

They all looked at me and shrugged. My father moved aside and I opened the door and walked into my room. I sat down on my bed and picked up the book I have been putting on hold, Romeo and Juliet.
I began to read, deciding who would be my Romeo.

I felt an odd sense of eyes on me. I continued to read, hoping the feeling would pass. I waited, read, and then waited some more. But, the feeling never passed. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and looked up.

I was right, there were eyes staring at me. Nine pairs of eyes to be exact. All of them stood in my doorway, just staring at me. I widened my eyes.

"I'm going to think about this I said." I stated.

"We know." Alice answered back.

I widened my eyes again and moved my head forward a bit. They still didn't take the hint.

"Alone." I said.

They all let out a sigh, obviously not wanting to leave.

I slammed the book shut and then slammed it on the bed. I let out a frustrated sigh as I got up and walked over to the door.

"Look, I can't make this decision with all of you standing in my door watching me." I said in an annoyed tone

"We just want to make sure you are safe. The Volturi is not out of Forks yet and we don't know if they will be making an appearance in your room or not." My father said sternly.

"Okay, well, can't you guys leave me alone for a while? I have a big decision here and I really need some privacy. Just…just go wait out in the living room. I'll be out when I'm ready to come out." I begged.

They all sighed again.

"Very well, we will be checking in frequently though." Carlisle warned.

"Thank you."

They nodded and made their way toward the living room. I shut my door as soon as they were gone and walked back over to my bed.

I picked up my book once again. It was so battered and torn from my mother's extensive usage.
I tried to focus on the words, but something was distracting me. They were distracting me. I looked up at my ceiling, trying to make my impossible decision.

Who was I kidding; I knew I wanted Antoine more than anything. Just as I thought that, Jacob's smiling face came into mind. The nights we have spent together, our trip to Seattle, everything. I could feel his lips on mine as the memories drown me.

My tears came fast an easy. I wasn't about to hold them back now, they were much needed tears. I flipped onto my stomach and clung to my pillow, allowing my sobs to be muffled by the fabric of the pillow.

I felt ridiculous—even if no one was watching me—because this is how the girls in the movies cried. I never understood it though; they always clutched their pillows and sobbed. I understand now, it's a comfort that I couldn't get any other way.

It gives you something to hold, when you have no one to hold. It takes away your lonely pain.
The fact of the matter is though, I'm not lonely, I'm just indecisive. I'm a girl who can't make up her mind and is hurting the two people she is deeply in love with the most.

There was a light tap on my door.

"Renesmee, can I come in?" Alice asked softly.

I didn't bother to sit up or wipe my face. I didn't bother to answer either, I knew she'd come in no matter what I said.
I was right; she came in and sat on my bed next to me.

"You uhh…you have a visitor." She said.

I looked up with a puzzled look.

"Who?" I asked.

"Why don't you come see for yourself?"

She got up and left my room. I sat up and looked in the mirror. I was glad I hadn't put any makeup on today; otherwise I would have mascara running everywhere. I blotted my eyes with a Kleenex and went out to greet my visitor.