Chapter 43
Shivers

I stared at Antoine for the longest moment. He seemed so devastated and crushed to admit that to me.
His eyes never left mine. He looked at me with burning eyes, eyes that I knew I would never forget, even if I did live forever.
I sat back in my seat and looked down at my hands.

"Why did you write that note though?"

"My mind was already made up; I was going to save your life. But when I heard the way you talk about Jacob in your dreams and you not saying you love me anymore, I felt like you were going to forget me. It was the most hurtful feeling I had ever had.
"So, in order to keep me in your thoughts, and for you not to forget me, I wrote the note. It was the most selfish thing I had ever done, and I immediately regretted it. You had already taken the note before I had a chance to write another one. The note though, was to make sure that you don't come looking for me."

I looked at him, torn with emotions. I knew that part of me should be angry and never want to forgive him for this, the other half though knew that he didn't mean to hurt me the way he had and that I loved him dearly.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"I honestly don't expect your forgiveness." He whispered.

"That's good…because I'm not ready to give it yet." I murmured.

He didn't seem hurt by this; he knew he had it coming.

"Why did you write such cruel things though?" I asked.

"I felt like if you were angry with Jacob for a little while, you'd remember me and love me again. Like I said, it was the most selfish thing and if I could take it back, Renesmee, I would."

I looked up at him, my eyes filling with tears.

"Antoine…I'm…"

"What is it?" he asked.

"I never stopped loving you."

He only looked at me. He slowly raised his hand and gently held my face.
I looked down, intending that I wasn't ready to kiss him; not yet. His thumb moved back and forth, trying to comfort me.
He took my gesture and slowly removed his hand. A tear started to roll down my face. He quickly wiped it away using his thumb.

"I never stopped loving you either." He whispered.

I then gave in, I felt like the only thing I wanted at that moment was to kiss him.
I held his head and gently kissed his lips. I wasn't prepared to kiss him with the passion that I usually did.
I slowly pulled away, our foreheads still held together. We looked into each other's eyes for a long while, not wanting to look away.
I eventually looked away.

"What was your plan?" I asked.

"Hm?"

"Your plan, you said you had a plan to save my life. What was it?"

"Oh, that. I planned on coming and getting you, then we would run away together, just you and me forever."

"Where would we go?"

"I hadn't gotten that far yet, but then I decided that I would take you wherever you wanted to go. Paris, London, Tokyo, you'd name it, and we'd go there."

I smiled to myself, knowing that he would go wherever I wished.

I rested my head on his shoulder and waited until we got home. Somewhere in that time, I must have drifted into a sleep.

"Renesmee, love, we're back." Antoine whispered into my ear.

I fluttered my eyes and sat up.

"Here, let me help you." He whispered. He gently picked me up, began to hand me to my father, but I refused.

"I can walk." I muttered.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine."

He put me on my feet and held his arms out, just in case I was to fall. I looked over to my parents, urging them to go into the Cullens' house. My mother took the gesture and pulled my father in.
I turned over to Antoine, his eyes glistening in the moonlight.

"Well…thanks." I said.

"It was my pleasure." He bent down and kissed my forehead.

"I'll be seeing you." He whispered. With that, he ran into the forest.

I turned and went to meet my parents in the house. Everyone was sitting around, joking and laughing. I found it kind of hard to believe that they would be laughing after our run in today with the Volturi, but then again, we all need some kind of outlet.
They all turned to greet me.

"Is the Volturi for sure gone now?" I asked aloud.

"Yes, they have been gone for a few hours now." Carlisle muttered.

"I'm going to…uhh…go home." I walked over to Renesmee, leaning down to pick her up.

"No, dear, it's alright. We'll bring her home later. You go get some sleep." My mother said.

They must have sensed my fear and hesitation to the suggestion because Carlisle spoke up.

"Don't worry, Renesmee, we're watching her. She'll be fine. It's all over now." He reassured.

I smiled and nodded.

"Thank you. Goodnight." I said as I walked out the door.

Even though I knew that she was being watched for sure, I still felt like I wanted her in my care. I was so utterly worried that she wouldn't come back with them.
I ran through the forest quickly. My parents must have been absolutely sure that the Volturi was gone because they didn't even flinch when I said I was leaving.
I ran through the events of tonight in my head. I thought that this decision would be easy when the time came. I thought I knew who I loved more.
Now…I hadn't the slightest idea.

I reached my house, looking around to make sure I didn't have anyone watching me. Even if my parents were sure that the Volturi was gone, I could never be sure. After all, Alice couldn't even see Antoine and my father couldn't see him in Aro's thoughts.
After I had double checked my surroundings I unlocked my door and walked in.
I flipped on lights, expecting, not wanting, to see Jane. I've met her and have seen her before but for some reason, this last visit was the most traumatizing for me.
Of course, no one was there. I must have my mother's paranoia. I made my way into my bedroom.
I immediately took off my shoes and pulled down my hair. I let out a sigh and decided I would take a shower. No, I didn't need to, vampires don't get body odor. But even so, it still feels good to take one.
I grabbed some shorts and a tank and ran into the bathroom. I started up the shower and undressed.
I suppose it's odd, but I shower in cold water. The hot water burns too badly against my skin.
When I was finished, I dried and dressed. I looked in the mirror.

"What do I do?" I asked myself.

I stared at my reflection for the longest time. I was hoping it would start talking back to me, telling me who and what to choose.
Once again…disappointment.

I sighed and walked into my bedroom, scrunching my hair with my fingers and looking down. I stopped in the door way, a smile started on my face.
Jacob was sprawled out on my bed, smiling at me.

"Hello." He said cheerfully.

"What are you doing here you goof?" I asked as I lay down on the bed next to him.
He put his arm around me, pulling me closer to him.

"Well, you know, I just figured that it was time for my alone time."

"Oh, I see." I giggled.

"Yep, so how should we spend this alone time?"

"I don't know, what did you have in mind?" I asked.

"I was hoping you'd have an idea."

"I just want to be with you." I whispered.

"Sounds perfect to me." He whispered back.

"Yeah, unfortunately though, I'm exhausted and I don't know how much fun I'll be."

"Where'd he take you?"

"You don't really want to know."

"No, I do."

"He took me to Seattle."

"Oh,"

I could tell that that was enough information for him.

"You know, this isn't the only alone time I want."

"Good, cause I want more as well."

He laughed softly and snuggled me closer. I breathed in his scent. He always smelled like fresh air.

"I really wish I could tell you I'm going to choose you, but I can't. I just don't know." I whispered into his chest.

"I've been through this before."

"What?" I whispered.

"Remember, your mom and I?"

"Oh yeah, she told me about it."

"I'm not going to put you through what I put her. I know how much pain I caused her and I'm not doing that to you." He kissed the top of my head.

"Thank you." I murmured.

I looked up at my ceiling, wondering how I was ever going to decide.

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered.

"Anything."

"What…What will happen with us if I were to choose…Antoine?"

He sighed.

"I don't know." He murmured.

"You do, I can tell."

"I've only seen it through Sam and Leah's eyes. I don't know how I'll react to it."

"I'm sorry, Jacob."

"For what?"

"Putting you through this. I know you don't deserve any of this."

"Don't be sorry. Be sure."

I nodded and nuzzled my head into his chest.

"Sleep, Renesmee." He whispered into my ear.

His warm breath sent shivers down my spine.
I was exhausted and I knew I wouldn't be much of a conversationalist like this. So I took Jacob's suggestion