Chapter eleven.
Shabnam rang Syed to tell him.
"I'm sorry Syed. I thought you ought to know. Mum is still in hospital. Dad isn't sure when she'll be home. They're keeping her in tonight."
Syed was horrified. He felt that somehow it was his fault. He had been the cause of the stress the family was under. Maybe it was God's punishment. He couldn't think straight. His mind kept running over all the ways he'd failed them. He couldn't even call to see if she was okay.
When Christian came in that evening he found Syed packing a case
"What are you doing?
"I have to get away Christian. I need some time to think."
Christian could feel the panic rising in him. He'd been here before. This couldn't be happening.
"Think about what?"
"Look mum's in hospital, she's lost the baby. I just can't do this any more, it's too difficult. I can't even go and see if my own mother is all right. I can't go on with it, I feel like I'm being torn in two."
"You don't mean that! Please Syed! I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but it's not your fault. Remember what you said yesterday? I know it's difficult but…"
"You don't know anything!" Syed said viciously. "I need to get out of here."
He did up the case and looked at Christian like he was the enemy.
"Syed please! I'm begging you, don't do this. We'll go and see your mum, send her flowers…"
"Christian, you'll never understand!"
The only way Syed was able to leave Christian was to make him the problem and to do that he had to make himself believe it.
He started to head for the door.
"How long are you going to be gone?" Christian felt like his chest would explode with pain.
"I don't know if I'm coming back Christian. It's too hard for me. This is not my life. I've tried. I can't do it."
"Listen to yourself Syed! You're just in shock because of your mum. Don't do this! I love you, you said you loved me!"
Christian held Syed's arm.
"Take your hands off me!" Syed couldn't allow himself to listen to Christian or look him in the eye or he'd never go.
"Syed Please!" Christian was distraught.
"I said; take your hands off me!"
Something broke in Christian then. He stepped back, held his hands up. His face was mask of pain. He'd fought so hard for this relationship, invested all of himself, taken every rejection and had kept coming back for more. He needed Syed to fight for him, to fight his own internal battle and to choose his truth. Christian had thought, when Syed told his parents, that that was it, he'd made his choice. It wasn't so. He looked at Syed and saw torment in every line of his body. Syed couldn't look at him.
"You do what you have to do. I can't fight for you any more."
Syed closed the door. He didn't look back.