Chapter twelve

Part one. Syed stays in a bed and breakfast that night and debates on whether to risk going to Walford. Christian is heartsick.

Syed stayed in a bed and breakfast that night. It was a dingy, cheap place that smelt damp and was not particularly clean. He hardly registered his surroundings. He was in a state of complete mental and emotional torment. He couldn't stop thinking about his mother and father and what they must be going through.

He thought of how they had loved him no matter what and of how he had repaid them. He, their firstborn son had stolen money, lied to them and ruined their business, and then, when they had taken him back and trusted him again, he had shamed them, his religion and his bride to be, by his need for sex with men. He was a disgrace to his family name. His parents had done nothing to deserve such treatment and now his own little brother or sister was taken from them. He was in such a state of self hate, his mind created a new reality, an alternative truth that wouldn't allow him to dignify his feelings for Christian with the word love. He had told Christian from the beginning, had tried to stop Christian from getting to him, but Christian had pushed and pushed, got under his skin. Christian was such a forceful character. In his mind now, all he could see was two people in an act of selfish self- fulfilment. His view on the past few months was coloured by this way of thinking. His guilt over what he had done to his family required complete denial of his and Christian's relationship. At the thought of Christian he was almost engulfed by a wave of sadness, but he wouldn't allow himself more than a fleeting moment of this feeling. He pushed it away into the recesses of his mind and in its place he filled his thoughts with how if it wasn't for Christian he could probably have kept his sexuality a secret. Maybe got some back alley relief from time to time with faceless men in the way he had before. This would have only hurt him, not his entire family. Maybe, if he'd tried harder with Amira, he could have made a go of it. There had been possibilities but because of his selfish choices he had closed the door to them all.

He slept fitfully, and whenever he woke it was to return to a constant internal dialogue until he was utterly exhausted. He had to do something. As yet he couldn't see a way forward, but he would stay in that room until he found the answers.

Christian felt like he was breaking inside. He couldn't contemplate being without Syed, not now, not after everything they had gone through. He felt as if he had lost a part of himself, as if he were not complete. He stayed in the flat for days, hoping that Syed would call, that he would realise he couldn't be held responsible every time something went wrong with his family. Shabnam called and Christian wept over the phone to her. He couldn't stop himself.

"He's not here Shabnam. He's been gone for days. I have no idea where he is. He believes it is all his fault."

"Believes what is his fault? Christian what's wrong?"

"Your mother losing the baby. I'm sorry. He thinks it's because he's with me. I don't know what to do. He's gone…"

Christian couldn't continue

Shabnam didn't know what to say. She was embarrassed by Christian's distress and worried about her brother.

"Christian, don't cry," she said awkwardly. "Take my number. When he comes back, please, ask him to ring me… If I hear from him first what should I say?"

Christian was silent and then he said,

"It's best to leave it. He knows where I am. I'm sorry for your family's loss. I really am. If I thought it'd be welcome I would send my deepest sympathy to your mother and father, but I know what they think of me. I better go. Thank you Shabnam, Syed is lucky to have you."

Christian couldn't talk any more. He felt sick.

Roxy called one evening a few days later and Christian answered hoping it might be Syed.

As soon as he heard her voice he closed his eyes, exhaled his disappointment.

"Rox. Heh, how are you?"

"Christian you don't sound right. Are you okay babe?"

"I'm sorry Rox." Christian could barely summon the energy to be coherent. "I just …." He breathed deeply trying not to break down again "Syed has gone."

"What do you mean gone? What…left you? I saw him yesterday in Walford Christian."

"What?!"

"Yeah, he looked terrible. He said he couldn't stop, he didn't really speak. That's why I phoned. I wondered if everything was okay with you two. What's going on babe?"

"Where did you see him?"

"He was outside the station. He obviously didn't want to talk. Christian what's going on?"

"Ohh Rox… I can't really go into it all right now… I don't understand some of it myself. He's gone, that's all and I don't think he's coming back."

"Christian that man loves you."

"Maybe you're right but not enough Rox. There's me and then there's everything else. He's not happy and I can't fight for him anymore. Self preservation. I'm on my knees; I can't go through this any more. Look can I phone you… tomorrow maybe? I'm not really any good for conversation. I'm sorry Rox; I'm just no good right now."

"Oh Christian I wish I could be there to give you a hug All right darlin' but phone me soon all right 'cause if you don't I'll be on the next train. I can't stand to think of you alone up there. Amy sends kisses. Christian I swear he'll be back. He loves you."

"Don't Roxy...Look you take care okay? Speak soon. Kiss Amy for me. Bye"

Part two. Coming soon- Zainab is back home from hospital and she and Maz are living like husband and wife again. There is something however that Masood has not told her. Amira's father has been in contact with him. He has sworn to hurt Syed for bringing shame upon his daughter and has also demanded money from Masood to buy his silence. If Masood can not find the money, he has threatened to expose the truth about Syed to their Muslim community. Masood has not told any of this to his family.