Chapter Two
Sharing Secrets
The ride to Port Angeles was long and quiet. Each time Angela would try to start a conversation she would have to repeat herself twice, before I would snap out of my thoughts and reply. I was glad she was trying to help me, but it was so hard.
When we finally arrived, she drove to a nice little restaurant near downtown, we parked and got out. The afternoon was overcast and the air was soggy. I pulled my jacket around me closer as we walked around to the front entrance and entered.
Angela had chosen a this quant little spot because they had great chips and salsa. She told me that she and her family loved to come here at least once a month for a family outing.
We were seated and given menus, as the waitress brought us each a bowl of salsa and a basket of chips. I had to admit, after not eating much over the last few months, it did taste good.
I actually managed to talk some, while we waited for our food, and it was nice being with Angela, She truly was a good friend. When we finished eating, she suggested that we walk to the bookstore, which was only two blocks away. It wasn't dark yet, so I agreed.
The sidewalk we had chosen to walk on, had a slight detour around a large hole that had been dug, it looked as though to repair a broken water pipe. As we approached the hole, which appeared to be about six feet deep, the last thing that he had said to me came stealing into my thoughts like a ghost from my past.
He had told me 'don't do anything foolish'. But who did he think he was? I didn't have to listen to him. He was gone and I had to deal with life everyday without him, so the least I could do was go against what he had said. That's it. I needed to defy him.
So, without thinking I ran as hard as I could and jumped, over the hole in the ground, and came crashing down on the other side, landing on my knees in the soft dirt that was piled there.
Angela looked at me with wide, wondering eyes, as she ran to me and helped me up.
"What was that about Bella? Are you trying to kill yourself?"
I stood up, adjusted my jacket pulling it around me tighter, and brushed the dirt from my knees.
"No. I just needed to prove a point. That's all."
"Well. I'm not sure I understand what you mean, but that's not the sort of thing a person, well, as ill coordinated as you should try."
She almost sounded like she was scolding me, but I felt much better, knowing I had done something that he would not have approved of, made me feel like I was in control of my life for that brief moment.
We walked, neither of us saying a word, the remaining distance to the bookstore. Once inside, I looked around and found an area that caught my attention. I had purposely stayed away from the romance, novel, and classical literature section, and focused my attention on a small area of the store that housed books on local legends and Native American culture.
As I browsed through the books, my mind keep flashing back to Sam, the man who had found me in the forest, the night things came crashing down on me. There was something familiar about him, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.
I reached for and pulled out a book, with dark brown leather binding. It appeared to be older and smelled musty as I brought it closer for inspection. It brought back the memories of another book that I had gotten months ago, at a different book store, a few days after I had walked on the beach with my friend, Jacob. That is when he had told me about the legend of the cold ones and his ancestors, the wolves.
That was the connection, Sam, reminded me of Jacob. I'm sure he was from La Push and he and the other two young men who had been at my house that night, must be Quileute like Jacob.
I found myself smiling, oddly enough, at the thought of Jacob. He and I had spent more than a few afternoons talking when our dads had gotten together to watch a game. I remembered how much I enjoyed being with him, he always made me laugh, and I felt so comfortable around him. I hadn't seen him since before that night, when Sam found me. I wondered if he knew about what had happened.
I found myself tracing the binding of the book trailing my finger over the cover, down the edges, and finally over to the pages, as I opened it up to look inside.
As I suspected, the book was old and the pages slightly yellowed, but the annotation at the front of the book compelled me to read further. I found a comfortable chair, sat down, and began skimming the book.
As I read, I was transported back to a time when legends were real and the stories told by the elders were not taken lightly. Chills ran down my spine and soon worked their way out to the rest of my skin, as I read about the story Jacob had shared with me about his people being descendants of the great wolf.
It was a beautiful story of how the people had evolved to protect each other from the threat they found so real, the cold ones. I thought that reading about this would make me sad, but instead I found it intriguing and wanted to learn more, about Jacob's people.
I was just about to close the book, when a verse written by an old Quileute Chief, came alive on the pages before me.
May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty,
May hope forever wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong.
These simple words of wisdom, written so long ago were beautiful, and they touched me greatly. I was still lost in deep thought, when Angela found me and asked if I was ready to go. We paid for our books, I knew I couldn't leave the store without this one, and walked back to her car.
My spirits were somewhat uplifted and I actually tried to carry on a conversation with her as we drove back to Forks. When we reached my house I thanked Angela for the invitation and asked if we might get together again soon. She seemed glad to have helped cheer me up so she agreed.
I hurried inside and up to my room anxious to start reading my new book. I lost myself in the pages for several hours, and it wasn't until my dad came to check on me that I realized how late it was.
"Bells. Are you in there?" he asked, as he softly knocked on my bedroom door.
"Yeah dad. You can come in."
He opened the door and looked surprised that I was stretched across my bed reading, instead of curled up in my normal cocoon of depression.
"So. Did you have a good time with Angela?"
He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest as he continued to examine my mood.
"It was good. We ate some great Mexican food, then went to the bookstore. I picked up this book about the history of the Quileute people. Dad, why haven't Billy and Jacob been over for a while?"
"Well. That's a good question. I guess Billy knew that things had been kinda rough around here, so he didn't want to intrude. But, if you think your up to company, there's a game on tomorrow. Maybe I could invite Billy and Jake over for dinner?"
"That would be nice. I think I'd like that."
"Okay then. We'll order some pizza and make an afternoon out of it. Are you sure Bells?"
"Yeah dad. I'm sure. Thanks."
I spent the rest of the night reading the book and finished it around midnight. That night I found rest instead of the usual nightmares, as a sense of peace seemed to wash over me, I wasn't sure if it was from reading the book, or somehow feeling closer to Jacob and Sam, now that I knew more about their people.
The morning came and found me feeling better than I had in days, no months. I tried to tell myself that it was due to having gone to Port Angeles with Angela, but I thought it might also be the idea of seeing Jacob, later that day.
By the time that I finished my chores and homework, I realized that it was already late afternoon. My dad had been in and out that day, working on some things around the house.
When I heard the knock on the door, I felt a wave of uncertainty spill over me, and at that moment, I thought maybe I wasn't feeling as good as I thought.
My dad opened the door and greeted his long time friend, with a handshake and a manly slap on the shoulder and I watched as Jacob walked in behind his dad. My mouth fell open as I took note of how much he had grown in the last few months. He looked down at me and smiled as I came to stand beside my dad.
"Hey Billy. How are you doing? It's been a while," I said, as I bent down and gave him a slight hug, then I turned to Jacob.
"Jacob, what happened to you? You've grown a few feet since I saw you last."
He smiled the warmest smile at me then leaned down to whisper, "don't tell my dad. He hasn't noticed yet. And you can just call me Jake, if you want?"
We laughed as my dad and Billy moved into the living room. I went to the kitchen to call in the pizza order and Jake followed.
"So, how many pizzas should I order? Um, or maybe I should rephrase that. How hungry are you?" I said, eyeing him suspiciously.
After placing the order for the pizza, Jake helped get drinks for everyone while we waited. It felt odd having someone around, but on the other hand, it felt good to have Jake here again.
Jake was leaning against the kitchen cabinet when I noticed he was watching me as I sat out paper plates and napkins for when our dinner arrived.
He smiled when I looked up at him, and I'm sure my face went white as a sheet, before filing the void with a rush of crimson.
We didn't talk much, just a few words here and there. I asked how school had been for him, and he the same for me. When the pizza arrived, dad and Billy took their fair share and went to watch the game, and I asked Jake if he would like to bring his up to my room, so we could have some peace and quiet.
The look on his face was priceless, and of course he agreed, but I just wanted to get away from the sound of the television for a while. I didn't normally make it a habit of eating in my room, but this was an exception.
I cleared a spot at my desk for Jake and I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of my room, while we ate. I should have brought an entire box up just for Jake, considering he had made his way back to the kitchen at least three times.
When we finished, Jake started looking around my room, as if trying to decipher me by the objects that he found there. He carefully looked at the pictures on the wall and paused for a few moments when he came to the picture of a lone wolf that hung just inside the door to my room.
"When I was a little girl, my dad gave me that picture and told me that the wolf would be my guardian and watch over me while I slept. I had trouble sleeping at night when I would first come to visit, after not being here for long periods of time. He thought it would help me."
"Did it? I mean, did it help?"
I chuckled sheepishly and lowered my head, not wanting to meet his gaze when I answered.
"Yeah. Yeah it did. When I moved back my dad asked me if there was anything I wanted to change in my room, but I told him no. I wanted to keep it the same as when I was little and I wanted to keep my lone guardian."
I looked up to see him smiling in amusement at my confession, but oddly enough I didn't mind telling him this and as the night wore on, I would find myself revealing more and more about myself to him.
His inspecting eyes trailed around my room until they came to the book I had been reading. He reached for it and was about to read the title, when I found myself up out of my chair and snatching it from his hand.
I went to set on my bed, setting cross legged and leaning against my headboard, as I slid my book under my pillow.
"What was that about? Did I find out one of your secrets?"
"No. I just....I just didn't want you to see what I was reading. That's all."
"Well too late. What was it 'The Memoirs of the Quileute People', he said, with his finger rubbing his chin like a scholar, with the exception of the grin that was spreading across his face a mile wide.
"It's none of your concern. Besides, I don't want you to think that I was, you know checking you out or anything."
"Oh no. I'd never think that," he said, rolling his eyes and laughing.
"So what have you learned? Are we that exciting?"
And with the word that he wiggled his fingers in the air on either side of his head like he was discounting his heritage.
"Well, actually I did. After reading this book I think I understand a great deal about the Quileute culture and history. I'm glad I read it. You know when Sam found me in the forest that night, I felt like I knew him and the other two guys that were with him, almost like I knew you. I felt a connection."
He looked at me thoughtfully for a few minutes, then came to stretch out across the foot of my bed, propping himself up with one elbow, as if waiting to hear the greatest story of all time.
"Yeah. I've heard them talking about that night. I tried to come up here and help them search, but no one would give me a ride. I wanted to help."
He looked dismissive, as if he had failed some task. But I looked at him with wonder and amazement, that he would have gone to such lengths for me.
"Thanks Jake. That means a lot to me."
"Nah, it was nothing. Do you...do you want to talk about what happened?"
No one had ever asked me that before. Everyone had just tiptoed around the subject and tried never to bring it up.
I thought for a long while, as I pulled my knees up under my chin and wrapped my arms around them. Jake lay patiently waiting and watching, until finally I spoke up.
"There isn't much to tell, really," I said, staring down at the bed, losing myself in the memory of that day.
As I started to speak, I almost forgot he was there, patiently waiting.
"I could tell that something was wrong from the moment I got up that morning. I'd seen the warning signs, but had tried not to pay attention. Then, that afternoon he asked me to go for a walk with him in the forest, that's where he told me."
I'd tried not to relive those tragic moments over the last few months, not awake anyway, but now it seemed like a good time to talk about it and maybe air out the cobwebs of my pain. I couldn't help that a few tears trickled down my cheeks, but I was still concentrating on my bed, never looking up.
"He told me that he and his family were leaving, that he thought it was for the best, that he...." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the huge lump that had developed in my throat that threatened to block my airway. Then I continued, "had certain needs and desires, that couldn't be met here in Forks. Which meant me. I couldn't...."
There was a long pause, as I steadied my breathing, then braved a glance up at Jake. He was watching me with kind, yet troubled black eyes. Eyes that could pierce a foe or embrace a friend with the warmth of his soul.
I looked into those eyes with deep solace and spoke again, in the faintest of whispers.
"You were right Jake. It's not like I'm telling his secret, you were the one who told me. You were right about what he was."
I dared not look away from his glare and saw his expression change from that of kindness, to utter disbelief.
"Bella, you mean....he really is a vampire?"
He pushed himself up off the bed and leaned forward inching closer to me.
"But how can that be, those were just legends, stories, myths that I told you that day on the beach," he said, with his voice rising slightly.
I shook my head back and forth in a slow deliberate motion of "no".
"He and his entire family Jake."
"How could you....why would you...? I don't know what to say Bella."
"It just happened. I didn't move to Forks with the intention of getting mixed up with a family of vampires, much less find myself in....," I looked back down at the bed this time before continuing, "love."
We sat in silence for a good while, and I finally reached up to wipe away the tears that had continued to trail down my cheeks.
When I looked back at Jake his eyes had softened a bit, but he still held the look of disbelief and maybe even disgust. But, it was too late now, my hand had been dealt.
"Well, that just.....," he said, scratching his head and looking around. I could tell he still didn't know exactly what to say.
"So how are you now Bella. Are you okay? I mean really okay?"
"It's funny. I've been pretty much in a cocoon the past few months, until yesterday when I found this book. It made me feel better to read it and sort of pulled me out of myself a little."
I wiped the remaining tears from my face with my sleeve and reached under the pillow to pull out the book.
"Listen to this, okay?"
"May the stars carry your sadness away, may the flowers fill your heart with beauty, may hope forever wipe away your tears, and, above all, may silence make you strong. This was written by an old Quileute Chief. When I read these words last night they touched me in a way, I don't know how to describe it."
"Wow. Those are powerful words. I've never paid much attention to the older ones around the Rez, but I guess sometimes, they do know what they are talking about. I may have to rethink a few things. You know?"
"Yeah. You might need to listen to those who are older and wiser than you," I said, trying to bring forth a small laugh.
"So. I guess your friends will give you heck about spending the evening with a girl. Won't they?"
"No. Not when I tell them I was in...I mean on your bed....with you most of the evening," he replied, with a grin that could melt the coldest of ice bergs.
And for a moment, just a moment, I let his smile melt the remnants of my broken heart that were frozen. Then I came to my senses, found my pillow and threw it at him, as I laughed.
He caught the pillow in mid air and pretended to throw it back, but recalled it in mid air as I ducked just knowing it was going to land in my face.
By now we were both laughing and I noticed it felt good to laugh. I hadn't felt my ribs expand like that in so long.
We spent the rest of the evening talking about school, our grades, the car he was rebuilding, and whatever else seemed to come to mind. It was really nice being with Jake again and I realized how much I had been missing.
Around ten o'clock, Charlie called upstairs for Jake that Billy was ready to go home. I didn't know where the time had gone, but it didn't seem to be that late.
"So. You'll leave tonight either thinking that I'm totally crazy and a lost cause, have pity on me and still think I'm crazy, or you'll shake my hand and be glad to get out of here never to be bothered by Bella Swan again."
What had I just said? Why did I let those words stream out from between my lips?
And if my open mouth insert foot wasn't enough, Jake slowly stuck out his hand, extending it for me to shake. I felt the blood rush to my feet, then quickly climb right back up until it settled around my cheekbones. Well, what could I expect? After all I had spilled tonight, I'd be running too.
I stuck out my hand and placed it limply in his. His large hand encircled mine and it was so warm, then I felt the wind rush past my ears, as he pulled me into a bear hug and I could feel the laugh rumble from deep in his chest as he held me there.
"No. I don't think I'll throw you out with the bath water, just yet. Baby."
At that comment, I was glad my face was hidden, so he couldn't see how embarrassed I was. He slowly pulled back and looked down at me, lifting my chin up to face him.
"It took a lot to spill your guts to me tonight. I hope it helped talking about it. This isn't the sort of thing you can tell your friends at school, or even Charlie. But, I'll be there for you. Whenever you need to talk or hang out or.....you know. Whatever. Okay?"
I smiled shyly up at him.
"Thanks Jake."
He let me go, and opened the door. I walked with him downstairs and told Billy goodnight, then watched them as Jake wheeled his dad outside and into the night.
I felt a strange sense of relief and regret, but couldn't figure out the whys yet. So, I cleaned up the pizza boxes and paper plates, then turned out the light to the kitchen, before heading back upstairs.
"Hey kid? How did you and Jake get along tonight?"
"Oh fine dad. Thanks for inviting them over. Did you lose the bet on the game?"
"No. I won this time," he said, flashing a crisp five dollar bill in the air.
"Poor Billy. When will he ever learn?"
We laughed for a few minutes, then he gave me a quick hug, as I moved up the stairs, got my things ready, then stepped into a nice hot shower.
I stood there for the longest time, letting the steam clear my mind. The past two days had been a welcome change from the constant pain I'd been living with. I tried analyzing what had changed and found that everything pointed to Jake. He was what made me feel better and I found myself smiling as I remembered his reassuring bear hug, just before he left. I was glad I'd spent the evening with him, actually, I was hoping our next meeting wouldn't be that far away. Maybe even tomorrow.