For the first few weeks that's all he can think of. Kill the darkspawn, kill any bandits that attack them, kill the archdemon invading his dreams and above all kill Howe.
As he slowly emerges from the fog of anger and grief that has consumed him Aedan starts to worry about how much he enjoys the constant violence. To begin with his companions are no help: Alistair is still consumed by his own pain, and Morrigan is possibly the most bloodthirsty person Aedan has ever met. He's glad when Leliana joins their party, she too has suffered loss but is more determined not to be consumed by it, and Aedan enjoys being able to talk with her of subjects more peaceful than soldiers and the bringing of death.
But he is still plagued by dark thoughts: Did Nathaniel know of his father's plans? Did Anora know of hers? Was the attack on Aedan's family all part of Loghain's plot? It is probably for the best that Alistair has put Aedan in charge: after so completely failing to notice any signs of Howe and Loghain's coming betrayal, despite speaking to them only hours before, Aedan has no faith in his ability to know who to trust and sees dark motives behind everyone's actions.
Then again, Aedan has a feeling that he is right to doubt Flemeth and Morrigan. Perhaps he just resents Morrigan for expressing such intense disappointment when Aedan tells her and Alistair to refer to him by his right name: She has a very low opinion of men, and cannot understand why Aedan would wish to live as one. Still, he cannot shake the gut instinct that she is playing some deep game that goes well beyond any unselfish desire to save Ferelden from the Blight.
Life as a Grey Warden is not quite what Aedan expected. His parents had both told him of the rigours of the road, but the reality had still come as something of a shock. There is nothing quite so unpleasant as returning to camp bruised and battered from a day's battle only to have to stand in your bloodsoaked clothes cooking dinner because you have forgotten to wash your laundry, and a small part of Aedan resents not having all these menial tasks taken care of for him. Beyond these petty irritations, the seemingly straightforward task of defeating the Blight is constantly complicated by compromise and ambiguity, Aedan sometimes wonders what real difference there is between his party and the thugs and mercenaries they spend so much time fighting.
Aedan ruefully thinks of Cailan and the naive dreams of glory that helped lead to his death. Despite the superficial similarities to his brother Alistair seems much more aware of the stark realities of life and of battle. Visiting Redcliffe and seeing how Alistair was raised, Aedan is struck by how much easier life is for those who grow up noble.
Aedan had always known that he lived a life of privilege. Even for nobility the Couslands are (or had been) very rich and powerful, and his parents had emphasised many times how important it was that he use the power he wielded responsibly. Aedan had liked to think of himself as a friend to those beneath him in station, but it is one thing to chat to Nan and her assistants in the kitchens and another to live amongst commoners for months on end and receive no special treatment. You can't spend the first twenty-one years of your life having almost every mage and elf you meet being a servant without finding it a little difficult to adjust to having an elf complain about your cooking or a mage constantly question your judgement.
Take Zevran for example. The first man to express interest in Aedan as a man and he's spent the whole time since they met studiously avoiding him. It's stupid. And yes, there is the fact that Zevran did try to kill him, and that doing anything more physical than holding hands brings up the prospect of all manner of awkward conversations, but that's no reason to be rude. Aedan can't help but suspect that his main problem with Zevran is that he's both arrogantly self confident and an elf.
So Aedan decides to get past it. There is no guarantee that he will ever return to his old social position, and if he is to be just another Grey Warden amongst equals then he needs to learn to act like it. He asks Zevran about his past as an assassin, and takes over Alistair's turn to do the cooking, and discover's Sten's secret soft spot for paintings, and by the time they arrive in Denerim looking for clues about the ashes Aedan finds himself feeling shocked and angry when other human nobles don't treat his comrades with complete respect.
A year passes and then two. Aedan is no longer the callow youth whose knowledge of strategy came only from books and fireside stories, but the hardened veteran of many successful battles, criss crossed with scars and willing to do whatever it takes to defeat his foe.
But for a moment he is a boy again, scared and alone and angry, as he stands at the door between himself and his vengeance.
He's not sure what he'd expected from Arl Howe. Some acknowledgement, perhaps, of the extent of his treachery, some apology from the man who'd been counted as a friend for so many years by the family he'd betrayed. But all he gets is anger and bile.
"Well, look here," hisses the Arl. "Bryce Cousland's little spitfire, all grown up and still playing the man."
Aedan laughs. As if those old taunts could hurt him now, in this moment. Howe starts to spit some venom about Aedan's family and Aedan decides he's had enough and draws his sword.
It is almost too easy, so many years waiting and yet soon with a sweep of his sword it is done, the agent of Aedan's misery just another dead body, his blood soaking away into the dirt.
Aedan hadn't put much thought into what would happen afterwards. But the Blight doesn't care about his vengeance, and Loghain's regime won't collapse with the death of a single lieutenant. He barely has time to look at the Arl's body and check that he's really dead before they have to move on.
Anora does not wear the mantle of damsel in distress very comfortably. She's obviously trying to give the impression of being in need of rescue and afraid for her life, but for the most part just comes across as irritated. But Aedan has saved (and not saved) enough damsels in distress for a lifetime, and whether or not she's telling the truth about her father Anora is a powerful ally.
Her regret over Aedan's mother's death seems genuine enough, at least. So does her desire to remain queen.
"I have no doubt Alistair is biddable enough," she says when they are alone, "and decent, but even with his blood he is no king."
"You may be right," says Aedan. He likes Alistair a great deal, but is under no illusions about his flaws. "And I will admit that he has no enthusiasm for the role." Anora smiles slightly, and her fingers stop their nervous twitching. But it's not going to be as easy as that. "What do you think about marrying him? With your experience and his blood you would have a much stronger claim on the throne."
Anora makes a face. "Ignoring that the man looks so much like Cailan - my recently-dead husband, if you'll recall - my main fear is that he might govern like Cailan as well. And I am tired of ruling in a husband's name." She frowns at Aedan. "Why not let me rule alone? You know that it is I not Cailan who has ruled Ferelden for the last five years. Do you not think that I was competent?"
"Competent enough," says Aedan. "Certainly the wheels of the nation turn smoothly. But you lack Alistair's compassion, I have seen the lives of the everyday people of Fereldan, how the elves and mages are treated in particular, and I would not want to submit them to more of the same."
"I never took you for a man of the people, Aedan," says Anora, with wry amusement. It is the first time she has used his name since his family's death. She gives a resigned sigh. "If I must marry Alistair to keep my throne then so be it, but you will not be serving the best interests of either of us nor of your country."
"Well I cannot marry you myself," says Aedan, "And the idea of marrying Alistair appeals no more to me than it does to you." Anora's eyes widen briefly, and Aedan wonders if she'd suspected him of wishing to gain the throne through that route. He has no doubt that she would be willing to do much worse herself to gain power. "Would you be willing to have me act as an advisor? The Loghain to your Maric, so to speak?"
Anora raises an eyebrow. Yes, perhaps that was not the best choice of metaphor. Aedan wonders if Anora still sees him as the endearingly precocious daughter of her old friend, a child in need of her advice rather than an adult in a position to give it. Well, if she underestimates him all the better, and though Aedan would never be willing to make the sacrifices required to take the throne they both know that he could.
"Fine," she says. "If you defeat the Archdemon then you will in your way be as much the hero as my father ever was. And if you do not then we will have other more pressing concerns to worry about."
The Landsmeet is …strange. Luckily, while he does make use of what recognition he can gain as his father's child, Aedan is not forced to fully return to his former role. And for the most part the bannorn do not seem to see him as a fellow noble at all, he is instead "The Grey Warden". It makes him wonder what his position will be when this is all over. Assuming he isn't dead.
Vengeance is a parasite, it feeds and multiplies and can take over your mind until it's all you can see. Aedan has heard tales of feuds between families going on for hundreds of years, fueled by retaliation on retaliation going back so far that noone knows how they started. Aedan's own need for vengeance was for a while the only thing that kept him going, but now that it is done he has not found the peace he was craving, Howe's death did not bring back his his family or the life he lost, but only filled him with a numb emptiness.
Aedan tries to explain this to Alistair, but does not expect to have any success. There is a look in his eyes that Aedan recognises from himself, and regardless of what is just (and Aedan isn't sure that he can tell any more) he has a dark feeling about what Alistair might do if his chance for vengeance is taken away.
He imagines seeing that look on Anora's face. Would she be able to forgive Alistair for killing her father? Would Aedan be able to forgive her if she killed Alistair in return?
Someone has to draw the line somewhere, and Maker help him it looks like it's going to have to be Aedan.
Nan always always used to say that the Maker had a cruel sense of humour. Aedan certainly can't think of any other explanation for his most holy relic being protected by a wall of fire that only lets you past if you are naked.
And he can't help but imagine the old spirit up there laughing with glee as Aedan finds himself trying to persuade Loghain, who was until recently his greatest enemy, to have sex with the apostate Morrigan for the good of Ferelden. And then laughing further when Loghain, slaver and king killer, lectures Aedan on morality and then sacrifices his own life rather than put the world at the mercy of an Old God reborn.
And so Aedan is a hero. The Hero. He finds himself less comfortable with the name than he'd expected.
He hopes that, wherever he is now, Alistair has heard that Loghain is dead, and that it brings him some measure of happiness. It certainly brings none to Aedan, he found himself respecting Loghain more than he thought possible by the end. But in his more cynical moments he is glad that at least this way Anora cannot blame Aedan for her father's death.
They are partners now, of a sort, he and Anora. He hadn't been sure that she would keep her promise, but as Chancellor Aedan has genuine say in the running of the country, and he likes to think that he makes a positive difference.
And Fergus is alive! With Highever returned to what's left of his family and the Blight defeated, it's almost as if the last two years were some strange and sometimes horrible dream, and that now that it has passed Aedan can live the life he would otherwise have had. But he cannot go back to those boyish dreams of a simple life, or of leaving his responsibilities behind in the pursuit of glory. For the moment he is committed to helping Anora rebuild the country, and after that …he's not sure. He does not wish for glory any more, but only for some measure of certainty that the path he is on is right.