Fighting the Darkness
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Here's Chapter 3, I think you'll know where we are now…
Chapter 3: Still Alive
"I had nothing but death in my heart." She told Gibbs with a steady voice her gaze never wavering from the searching blue eyes. Gibbs was taken aback by her tone, though his expression remained expressionless. He wondered why his friend, who never gave up without a fight, had given up living and why she was talking about it with such stoic acceptance… everything about her was screaming defeat as if she had lost the reason to fight.
And that was the truth. She had lost everything that had ever mattered in her life. She tried so hard to go on after everything that happened during the years… to make peace with herself, but in the end it all crashed down and she was left betrayed and alone.
"You never had a choice." Gibb told her in a low voice. "He didn't give you a choice. He raised you to be a ruthless, soulless killer." There was nothing new in Gibbs' statement. She thought Eli David to be a monster but in truth, she wasn't any better than her father.
But Gibbs was wrong in one thing, though. She had a choice. It was either him or her… and she had made her choice…
Ziva hated it… that unnatural calmness that always seemed to dwell in her father's eyes. Even now, being held at gunpoint by his own daughter, he didn't show anything but confidence. As if he knew that she would not pull the trigger…
But Ziva was determined… she would not back off… not this time… there was no reason to…
So many things were whirling in her mind… so many emotions. She was confused, upset, disappointed but above all she was angry. She felt such intensive anger that she hadn't known she was capable of… And all of that unlimited rage was aimed solely at the man sitting in front of her…
…at the man whom she had worshiped as a child. She placed him on a pedestal so high that it was impossible for her to see in him anything but her hero… the strong and confident man who was fighting for his belief… who was honest and honorable… who loved his family. She stubbornly protected her image of her father and it didn't matter how many time she had to disappoint in him, she was never ready to give up on him… she always found an excuse for him.
She would have followed her father to hell and back without hesitation… and she really did just that…
She fought for him…
She killed for him…
She killed the man she loved for him…
She had stood in front of her lover just like she was standing in front of her father now… with a gun pressed against his head. She pulled the trigger then… and she couldn't pull the trigger now…
Staring into her father's eyes, she wanted to blame him for everything…for turning her into a monster… for killing the father of her child… for losing her baby… for killing her brother…for making her leave her new family behind… but she couldn't do it. She couldn't do it simply because she had to realize that it had been her all along… just her… she should have known better… She should have been more critical about her father… she should have believed in Anwar's innocence… she should not have let her baby out of her reach… she should have seen the change in her brother… and she should have trusted her team, her friends…
But it didn't matter anymore. She was left alone with nobody to blame but herself and with only one thing to do.
Ever so slowly she lowered her weapon and threw it on her father's desk.
She would complete the mission Michael had started… she would do one last thing for her father…
…and she would die doing so.
"I did not mean to live through it." It was painfully clear for Gibbs that she had not even thought about the possibility of being rescued. She knew that Eli David wouldn't move a finger to have her back, and Gibbs could only guess how that fact had made her feel. He had his fair share of questionable businesses but, at the end of the day, he always had somebody to make him feel a worthy human being once again. The woman in front of him, on the other hand, had been sent to die by her own father. And the worst part of it was that he himself had turned his back on her.
Seeing the woman, who began to mean so much for him during the years, sitting on the other side of the table broken and lost, he swore that he would never leave her again. And he would always make sure that she knew that she was not alone. He would be there for her no matter what…
"You didn't. That part of you died out there." Gibbs told her willing her to understand that she wouldn't be left behind. Not this time…
"I am sorry… Gibbs." Gibbs knew that she wasn't seeking forgiveness. She didn't need it, not from him at least because the only person who could forgive her was Ziva herself. But he could give her something else so he stood up and walked up next to her to whisper something into her ear then he kissed her head and left the room.
That other part of you, Ziva… she is loved here. Don't ever forget that. This honest acceptance of her and Gibbs's openly expressed affection finally made her cry. But for the first time in months she didn't feel lost. She felt hope… She hoped that there was a place for her after all in the world and she hoped that she would be able to find her way home… wherever it might be… Now she wanted to find a way… she wanted to fight…
Ziva was shaking with laughter after an exceptionally amusing story of Ducky, and the others weren't exceptions, either. She tried to calm herself down somehow so she took a sip from her wine but it turned out to be a bad idea as at that moment Tony added a nasty comment to the story and Ziva ended up choking on her wine. And she still couldn't stop laughing…
Between the coughs she suddenly felt a hand stroking her back trying to sooth her reaction to the wayward liquid. She looked up and saw that the hand belonged to her boss. His hand felt so good on her back but then the coughs stopped and Gibbs withdrew his hand. She gave him a warm, though a little bit disappointed smile which was returned by the normally stoic ex-marine and the smile she got warmed her whole being.
She leant back in her seat and took a moment just to observe the people around her. It was strange but then and there she felt home. She was still fighting with her demons and she was sure that she would continue to do so for a very long time but at that moment in a little smoky bar in Washington, it all seemed that everything was alright in the world… even if for only a few hours.
"So, birthday girl…" Tony snapped her out of her thoughts. "…what were you wishing when you blew out the candles?" At that question every head turned towards her expectantly but she had to disappoint them.
"I did not wish for anything." She simply told them.
"Come on, Ziva…" Abby whined like a little child. "…everybody makes a wish at their birthdays."
Ziva was about to tell her that a few weeks ago she hadn't even thought about being alive long enough to greet that day and even now she had difficulties to grasp the concept of a future, but fortunately she could hear Gibbs' voice from her left speak up.
"Abs…" He began with a slight warning in his tone. "…even if she made a wish, I'm sure you don't want it to come into nothing."
Understanding downed on the Goth's features and with a guilty 'sorry' she was ready to drop the subject. She added, however, that it was Tony in the first place who had begun the inquiry and this led to an at least thirty-minute-debate between the two of them, which the others observed with great interest and even greater amusement.
It was McGee who finally broke up the argument by grabbing Abby's hand and practically pulling her to the dance floor. Following his example, Tony offered his hand to Ziva, which she accepted and together they made their way into the crowd. When the song was over they turned to go back to their table but they bumped into Gibbs, who also claimed a dance with the 'birthday girl'. Tony left with a smile and Ziva tentatively stepped into Gibbs' awaiting arms. They hadn't been swaying to the music for very long when an awkward looking Palmer appeared next to the couple stuttering something that sounded very much like 'it's my turn'. Gibbs just rolled his eyes but Ziva accepted Palmer's hand with a warm smile.
It seemed like an eternity when Ziva finally returned to the table with Gibbs on her side. After dancing with each and every member of the team, and that meant Abby, too, as she, much to Tony's satisfaction, insisted that she couldn't be left out, Ziva ended up with the ex-marine once again and they spent quite some time just gently swaying to the music. Surprisingly enough Gibbs was an excellent dancer and Ziva found herself willing the music not to stop. It didn't but after a couple of glasses of wine and in the safety of her boss' arms, Ziva couldn't help getting sleepy. That was when finally Gibbs led her back to the others.
They spent a little more time just chatting silently, well except for Tony who couldn't stop bragging about the pictures he had taken of Abby and Ziva. The young woman mentally cringed dreading the fights with the other agent about deleting the photos. Somehow, she suspected that before the inevitable destructions of the pictures, they would end up on the plasma more than once. But that was for another day…
It was Ducky who stood up first to leave, quickly followed by Palmer, who offered a ride for the old ME. Tony made his exit, too, after spotting an attractive redhead by the counter, but not before planting a kiss on Ziva's head and wishing her once again a happy birthday. The rest of the team remained sitting and ordered another round of drinks. Being pleasantly sleepy, neither of them paid enough attention to the sitting arrangements that had somehow developed by that point. Abby was practically snuggled up next to McGee, who held her close with his arm around her waist while Ziva was leant back in her seat immensely enjoying the fact that Gibbs' arm, which he had stretched out behind her, ended up on her shoulders. Apparently the older agent didn't have any problem with it, either.
After Abby's drink had run out, she practically jumped up pulling McGee with her then stated that they were leaving for home. Gibbs raised an eyebrow while Ziva giggled under her nose as they watched the two of them leave the bar looking more like a couple than just two friends.
"Come on, Ziver." Gibbs turned to the woman while he stood up. "I'll walk you home." She nodded grateful for the offer then accepted the outstretched hand to help her up, too.
Once outside the building, they slowly began their way towards Ziva's apartment building. In the somewhat cool night air, Ziva suddenly felt lightheaded. She stopped for a little just to focus her hazy vision and steady herself somehow. She could hear Gibbs chuckling next to her and cracking some jokes about her present condition but she couldn't care less. She was too sleepy and she was enjoying herself too much. Not to mention that after a little while she could feel his arm around her shoulder… They walked like that until they reached Ziva's house.
"Thank you." Ziva whispered when Gibbs pulled her into a hug and place a kiss on her forehead.
"For what?" He asked pulling away. Somehow he knew that it wasn't for walking her home.
"For dragging me out tonight." She gave him a small sleepy smile. "I really had a good time."
"Any time, Ziver… anytime." He told her with a slight nod then took his time to turn around and leave. "Happy birthday, Ziva." Ziva gave him a final smile then he was gone. He hadn't got very far, though, because Ziva called to him. He turned around and waited for the young woman to talk.
"Can I…" She seemed uncertain as she tried to compose her question. "Can I call you tonight?"
The question surprised Gibbs. Since their talk in the interrogation room some weeks ago, Ziva called him whenever she couldn't sleep. They would spend the long hours of the night talking, or, given their not so communicative nature, in silence over the phone. However, not once did Ziva bring up the subject. And he didn't press it. It just happened.
"You don't have to ask, Ziva." His voice was serious as he looked into her dark eyes. "I'm here for you whenever you need me. Never doubt that."
Ziva nodded solemnly unable to voice her gratitude towards the man, who helped her in so many ways since her returned from Somalia. Gibbs didn't say anything more, either. He just nodded with a warm smile then continued walking.
"Never will." Ziva finally whispered into the night while she was watching the man disappear then she turned, too, to enter the building.
TBC
Thanks for reading and sorry for the mistakes!