Chapter Fourteen

Forgiveness

"Jake, Jake. Where are you? I can't find my way anymore. I'm lost without you. Jake, Jake!"

I was running through the mist in the forest searching frantically for him, for the one I loved, but I was lost. He was gone and I knew I'd never be the same again. It was as if a part of me were missing. but then I saw the lone wolf guardian emerge from the shadows and my mind and heart were full of solace.

I sat down on the ground in front of him and he came and lay his head in my lap. His fur was soft and warm, his breath was moist against my face, and we were in the midst of a peaceful moment together, but I was pulled violently from my comfort, when I felt a hot knife as it came down on my shoulder, again and again, until I cried out in pain.

"Bella. Bella, honey, wake up. It's me. It's Jake," I heard his voice, that sweet familiar voice, not like the voice I'd heard today, and then I woke up.

There in the darkness that covered me like a blanket, I felt the heated touch of his hand on my shoulder. It had been that touch on my shoulder that I had mistaken for a knife in my dream, but I wasn't afraid anymore, not like I was earlier today, because I knew that no matter what, he would always be Jacob Black, and it didn't matter that a wolf dwelt within him.

"Jake. How did you..."

"You left the window open. For me I hope?"

I lay there, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, until I could barely see his silhouette in the darkened room, wondering if I was still dreaming. But when his hand came up to stroke my hair and smooth it out on my pillow, my heart stopped, and I knew I was very much awake.

Pulling myself up into a sitting, I leaned over and turned on my small night light. Then I turned to see Jake's beautiful black eyes, looking at me with such a tortured look in them. I pulled the cover up around my chest, as if to shield me from the pain I had been feeling.

"You know, there was a time, not so long ago, when I thought you loved me and needed me, Jake. But now I know that you don't," I whispered as tears began streaming down my face.

"Oh God, Bella don't say that. That's not true," he said, pulling me into his arms and burring his face in my hair against my neck, "I need you so much. That's why I'm here. Bella, did you really mean what you said today? Oh, I couldn't be without you anymore. I only hope you can forgive me." Then his voice became even quieter, "But, what am I saying? It's you who won't want to be with me, any more."

It was then that I wrapped my arms around him and held him tenderly, gently rubbing his back, feeling his muscles tighten under my touch, then relax as I moved to another spot. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and his skin felt so good to me. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed being with him, until we embraced like this.

"Jake, I would never 'not' want you. That's why it has hurt so badly not being with you, not hearing your voice, having you avoid me, because, I....I love you, Jake. I want to be with you no matter what," I whispered, as I left a kiss on his collar bone. I felt him shiver from my touch as he leaned into me as if to soak up the very essence of our contact.

His grip tightened around me, then he slowly pulled away to look at me. He took both of his hands and cupped my face in them, just holding me there looking into my eyes.

"But, Bella, there are now things between us. Things I can't talk with you about and it's killing me. I'm slowly dying inside."

"But Jake, I know. I've known all along. I just don't know why you didn't trust me enough with your secret?"

"You know what, Bella?" he asked, looking surprised.

I let my hands roam over his chest as I spoke, "I know what's inside of you. I know that you are a protector of your people. I know that this is your destiny. You are a wolf, Jake, like my lone wolf guardian," I said, pointing to the picture on my wall.

"Bella, I love you so much. How did you know? It was the book, wasn't it? I should never have listened to him. Because of my love for you, I'm stronger than his commands, that's why I'm here now. I found the strength to overcome his commands. That's how much I have to be with you."

"Stronger than who, Jake?"

"Sam."

The mere mention of his name made me gasp. How could he do this to me—to Jake, I wondered.

"Bella, he's our leader. He's the alpha of the pack and he told me I had to stay away from you to protect you from.....from myself. When he first phased, he was the only one, he was alone, and he hurt someone that he loved very much. It was an accident because he hadn't learned to control himself yet. He let his anger take over and he changed right there in front of her. She is a constant reminder to him every day of how dangerous we can be."

"But, Jake, I know that you would never hurt me like that."

"I wouldn't, Bella, and I should never have hurt you by leaving you. You were right today. Please forgive me."

"I do Jake and I understand now what was going on and why you did what you thought was best, but what about Sam? Is he going to try to stop us from seeing each other? Is that why he told me to stay away from you?"

"He thinks he knows what's best and I guess that was this his way of trying to protect you."

"Jake, don't let him keep us apart," I said, moving closer to him and that was all it took.

His hand slid behind my neck, under my hair, and he pulled me forward until our lips were touching. Moments passed with our lips scarcely touching and our breath against the other's mouth was warm and moist. I didn't know what he was doing, but I had to be closer to him. I wanted to taste him against my mouth, so I pressed further and let my tongue move over his wind parched lips, smoothing them, until they were like silk and savoring the sweet honey like nectar I found there.

With his head tilted to the side, he wrapped one arm around my back and moved his other arm to lower me against it, cradling me there against his chest, as he slid his hot tongue between my parted, trembling lips, the moment I gasped at the sudden movement of being lowered into his arms.

This kiss was so much more intense than the first kiss I had shared with him. He was stronger, his body even firmer, and I was being consumed by the heat that rolled off him. I felt the sweat beading on my upper lip and forehead, and I couldn't help the moan that escaped me when he lazily drew his tongue over my upper lip and licked the perspiration away.

"You taste.....so incredibly wonderful, Be...Bells," he breathed against my temple, as he licked the perspiration that had formed there as well.

He had definitely changed in just a matter of days. He seemed so much older now and more confident. I liked how the man holding me was making me feel, but at the same I wanted to make sure that the Jake I had fallen in love with, was still in there somewhere.

"Jake, tell me what it was like. Tell me what you've been going through. I wish I could have been there for you. I could have helped you," I said, regretfully as I slid my hand up his face and into his hair that had been cut short.

He just held me, resting me against one of this knees, as he gazed into my eyes. When he finally began to tell me of his transformation, the night he came home from the movies, I listened, gently stroking what was left of his beautiful hair wishing they had let him keep it, and it was almost like I could see it all playing out in my mind.

"When I finally got away from all of them, I phased and lay there in the forest sobbing, feeling so lost and alone, I thought of you and me and the friendship we had shared, and what we almost had with each other."

"What do you mean, 'what we almost had'?"

"I had planed on telling you that I loved you that night, when everything went to hell. It would have been perfect, the way I had it all planned out in my head, but then....."

"Jake, I knew, well I hoped that I was right anyway, that you had feelings for me. It's okay. So, that night didn't go as we had planned, look at where we are now. I feel like we are closer now than before. You've told me how you feel and that's all that matters," I said, rubbing his chest under my hand.

"I do love you, Bella. So much that it hurts in here," he said, moving my hand over his heart, "To think of never being able to hold you again, to smell the fresh scent of your hair, to see your smile, to taste your lips. So, as God as my witness, I'm going to find a way for us to be together, but you have to be patient and know that I'm trying. Bella, promise me you'll wait for me?"

"I will wait for you, Jake. How long will it be before I see you again?"

"I'm not sure. I'll try to come by when I can, but I'll call you every day."

"Bella, I have to ask you something. What happened between you and Quil?"

I sat up, pulling myself out of his arms with the mention of Quil's name.

"Oh, Jake. Quil....."

"Bella, did you do anything to you?" Jake growled, gritting his teeth together hard.

"Jake, Quil was there for me when no one else was. And I was there for him too. We had both lost you and it helped having each other to lean on. What do you mean, 'did he do anything to me'?"

"I know he was holding you that night. I heard things and I smell him in your room. I just need to know that...."

"Jake, Quil is one of your best friends. It was like he had lost his brother. He told me over and over how much you loved me and kept me believing in that, when I had no hope. Quil was my friend. No, he is my friend and I'm going to be there for him. He knows, Jake. He knows that he's probably going to change soon, but he's ready to embrace what fate has chosen for him and he want's to once again be with his friends, his brothers, you and Embry."

"Bella, are you sure he knows?"

"Yes, he took my book and read it. We've talked about it, Jake. He knows. You have to help him too. He needs to hear some of this from you. It would be so much easier on him."

"Bella, I....I don't want you around him," Jake said, looking at me with worry in his eyes.

"Jake, I have to be there for him. He has no one. He didn't abandon me and I'm not going to abandon him."

"I don't want you being there if he does phase, Bella. He might hurt you."

"Jake, Quil wouldn't hurt me. He's my friend."

"Bella, you don't understand. Things go on inside of us that we can't control and then when we phase, there is so much rage and power within us. The rage is for what we've become and the power is only natural from such a large creature. It's not safe, Bells," he said, rubbing my cheek.

"I'll know, Jake, when he's getting close because of the fever. I'll be watching for the signs."

"Bella, I....I was afraid I would lose you to Quil. I actually thought....."

"Jake, I love you and I'm not just throwing around empty words. I. Love. You. Jacob. Black," I said, as I kissed him once more.

"I have to go, Bells. But, please promise me you'll be careful. I would hold myself responsible if anything happened to you."

"Jake, wait. Don't go," I pleaded, pulling on his arm as he got up off the bed.

"I have to. I don't want them to come here looking for me. I'll talk to you tomorrow, if not in person, on the phone," he said, kissing the top of my head as he walked to the window.

"Goodbye, Jake. Stay safe," I whispered, as I watched him jump from my window. I watched until he disappeared from sight in the moonlight, then closed my window.

I climbed back into bed, and pulled the cover over me, but without Jake there it was impossible to stay warm. I let my mind go back over everything that Jake had told me until I found myself too tired to stay awake and drifted back to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up with a headache from lack of sleep, granted, Jake had only been in my room for almost an hour, but the tension alone was enough to drain me. I got up and tried to get ready for school, but I was moving in slow motion this morning.

I grabbed something to eat on my way out the door and headed for school. I had to try and make it through the day, even though my mind was very much in La Push and on this new set of circumstances I was facing with Jake.

When I got to school, I got out of my truck and started walking into the building. I wasn't really paying attention to anything going on around me. My mind was a million miles away. That's when I heard someone calling my name and looked up, trying to focus on the voice and saw Mike. I had managed to avoid him since the night at the movies, but now I was having to face him alone in the parking lot.

"Bella. Hey wait up," he called from beside his car.

Oh great, I thought. This is the last thing I want to do today.

"Hi, Mike," I managed to get out in a somewhat decent tone.

"Bella, I just wanted to tell you I was sorry about the other night. I had no idea that you were....well you know, with someone, well a guy. I couldn't blame you for leaving like that," he said, looking somewhat embarrassed.

I was taken aback with his apology and even felt a little bit sorry for him, but then it dawned on me that if he hadn't been there that night that all of this might not have happened, at least not right now, and Jake and I might have had our perfect evening together, an evening that I may never get to have with him now.

"Mike, I.....I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry you took things for granted about who I would be with, but you shouldn't have just shown up like that. It's caused a lot of grief for me," I said, trying to maintain my composure.

"Why? Did he do something to you? Has he done something to hurt you?" he began asking, and I was speechless. This was a side to Mike I had never seen.

"No. No, Jake would never intentionally try to hurt me," I said, finishing my statement in a whisper, "I've got to get to class, Mike. I'm sorry," I said, as I ran past him and into the school.

This was hard enough, without having to talk with Mike Newton about it, regardless of how concerned he seemed to be about my well being. Why couldn't he have just thought about my feelings that night before inviting himself on my date?

The rest of the day, I was practically useless. I rested my head on the table at lunch and couldn't eat, didn't talk with anyone, and just tried to keep to myself until the final bell rang for the day. But that's when I began to feel really bad.

I wasn't supposed to see Jake. Jake wanted me to stay away from Quil. Quil needed my help and frankly I needed to talk with someone and considering Jake wasn't available, because of Sam's mandate, I was left with only two choices. I could go home and wonder and wait, or I could go see Quil. The latter option won out.

I went by my house, picked up my Quileute book, and left a note for Charlie, because I didn't have a clue how long I would be in La Push. I hoped I could stay long enough to get all of this off my chest and just talk with the only person I had left to talk with.

I had to pass right by Jake's house when I got into La Push, and my heart stopped when I saw him standing in the front yard. As I drove slowly past, I saw his other shadows looming in the distance, so I just drove on by, never making eye contact with Jake, and it nearly tore my heart out.

There in the rearview mirror, I saw him throw the wrench he held in his hand, onto the ground. This wasn't the way I wanted to see Jake, my Jake. He looked so angry and I choked on all the times I had watched him in my mirror as I drove away looking so sweet and lonely without me.

When I got to Quil's house, I was quick to get out and make my way to the front door. I felt like I was being watched, which I'm sure I wasn't, because I couldn't see anyone around as I glanced over my shoulder, but I just needed to be inside with Quil.

The door opened almost as soon as I knocked and Quil was there with a soft smile to greet me.

"Bella, are you okay? You look shaken."

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry I didn't call first, but can I come in for a while?"

"Sure, come on in. I was just about to call your house anyway and see what happened last night. Have a seat and I'll get you a soda. You look like you could use it. I'm glad you're not soaking wet today at least," he said, as he went into the kitchen.

He came back out with two sodas and handed me one. He sat down beside me, popped the top on his, and took a drink. I saw Jake in my mind right then, drinking his warm soda in the garage at his house. Oh how I longed for those days again.

I must have been staring at Quil or just off into space as I remembered times past, because Quil was now touching my arm and calling my name to bring me back to the present.

"Bella. Bella. Bella, are you all right?"

"I'm sorry, Quil. I was just thinking about another time, not so long ago," I said softly.

He rubbed my arm and moved closer to me, placing his soda on the table. He took mine from my hand and sat it down as well.

"It's okay. Did you hear from Jake last night? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Huh, I don't know where to begin. It all seems so complicated and frustrating because I really don't know what to do. I guess there isn't anything I can do."

"Bella, just start from the beginning. He came to see you, right?"

"Yes, he came last night. I woke up and he was sitting there, shaking me gently by the shoulder as he pulled me from a dream about a wolf. Ironic, isn't it?" I said, sarcastically, as I stared at my hands, "He told me.....Quil, I'm not sure how much I should tell you, because it will affect you too. This is bigger than both of us. You know that don't you?"

"Bella, I am relatively certain that Jake and the others have somehow channeled the wolf, just like our ancestors, and I'm pretty sure that I'm in line to be one of the next to embrace it, but I'll do so, just like those before me, and besides, I want to be with my friends again. I'd do it just for that very reason alone."

"Okay. But I don't want you to go freaking out on me or anything," I said, looking at him sternly.

"Okay," he replied, patting me on the hand then holding it in my lap.

"We were right. You were right. They are wolves. Well, they can change into them anyway. But because when they first start phasing, as Jake called it, they can't control the anger that sometimes feeds the transformation, they have to stay away from everyone, except the other pack members and their immediate family. That's why Jake couldn't see me."

"But, Bella, Jake would never hurt you. He'd die himself first," Quil said, becoming animated.

"I know, I really believe that too, but he said Sam, their alpha leader, ordered him to stay away...."

"What, the hell? Who does he think he is?"

"Jake, said he hurt someone, the woman he was in love with, when he first started phasing, and that he knows how easily it could happen."

"Emily Young. I bet it was Emily. But everyone said she was attacked by a bear," he said, staring at the wall, "But it was, Sam?"

"Yeah. I don't know all of the circumstances, but because he was the first he was alone and probably had no idea what was going on. But Jake is different and so are you Quil," I said, placing my other hand on his and squeezing it with both my hands.

He immediately focused on me again and looked at me with terror filled eyes, before he grabbed me and pulled me against his chest so tight I could hardly breathe.

"No, no, no. Bella, I would never hurt you or anyone else. I just know I couldn't, no matter what, and neither would Jake. We would never....." he whispered into my hair, but I knew he was scared, he was trembling slightly and I wondered if it was such a good idea for him to know all of this, but then on the other hand, he had a right to know, just like Jake and the others did.

"I know Quil. I know."

He slowly pulled away and we looked at each other for a few minutes.

"So what happens now?" he said quietly.

"I don't know. Jake didn't want me around you, I can't be around Jake, Sam doesn't want me around anyone. I just don't know anymore, Quil. I just don't know."

"Bella, I'll make contact with Jake and I'll try to talk some sense into him. I know how he felt about Sam, so I don't think it will be hard to reach him. I don't care what he's become. There is still a part of Jacob Black in there somewhere. It's worth a try. Don't worry, Bella, try not to worry," Quil said, pulling me into his arms.

I rested against him, letting myself go and honestly at that moment I didn't know if I had the strength to continue. After having gone through the pain of losing Edward and learning to let go, finding my solace in my dear sweet Jacob, then having him taken from me by some mystical unseen force that I didn't truly understand, I just didn't know if I had any fight left in me. It was like how I felt in my dream last night—lost in a darkened world without my light.

The tears were now building in my eyes and I didn't try to hold them back, as they slid silently down my cheeks. I relaxed even more in Quil's embrace and just tried to still the worry, uncertainty, and ache that I felt. If only Jake and I could just have our quiet afternoons back again or the walks on the beach. If only he could just wrap his arms around me and whisper he loved me tenderly in my ear, but how could that be with so much fighting against us?

When my tears had subsided, Quil pushed my dampened hair away from my face. He smiled as he smoothed my cheek with his hand, removing remnants of the salty liquid.

"So many wishes and wants, but my hand is empty," I said, quietly to myself.

He took my hand in his, then placed his other hand in mine while he closed my fingers around his large, bronze hand, "Now it's not empty Bella. You still have me and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."

We sat there for a few minutes as I stared at our hands clasped together, then I looked up into his eyes. I know Quil had a slight reputation for being a cocky shirt chaser, but deep down, he had the heart of an angel.

"You're right, Quil. We have each other and maybe we can figure this thing out," I said, wiping my face with my free hand. "I brought the book back with me and I thought....well.....maybe we could look back over it and see if we are missing anything."

"Now that's more like it. That's the attitude we have to have. We'll keep fighting and searching for answers until we find them," he said, as he moved to get a drink from his soda.

I took a drink of mine too, then put it back on the table, as I reached for the book, but as I opened the book, something came to me.

"Quil, there seems to be two main reasons the wolves have to keep their distance, one is for safety reasons, but we both know Jake would never hurt anyone, the second is for secrecy, but we....."

"We already know everything," Quil said, finishing my sentence.

"So, that means that if Jake can convince Sam that he's not a threat to me or you and he knows that we know about everything, he won't have any reason to keep Jake from us. Right?"

"That's right. But how do we let him know that?"

"Jake promised he would keep in touch with me somehow. He will probably call me tonight and I can tell him, then he can break the news to Sam."

We were both breathing a sigh of relief and feeling somewhat more upbeat. This might be exactly what we needed to bring and end to all of the restrictions. So we both sat side by side, and thumbed through the book, looking for anything else we might use in our defense.

It was getting late, not quite dark, but I knew I needed to get back home. I thanked Quil for his help and for being there and told him I would call him tomorrow, after I had talked to Jake tonight. We agreed that it might be best if I didn't come down again until maybe the weekend to give Jake time to talk with Sam.

"Bella, be safe going home," Quil said, as he gave me a gentle hug and kissed me on the cheek.

"I will. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

As I stepped off of Quil's porch, I couldn't help but look around again, I guess expecting to see someone watching me, but there was no one in sight, so I climbed into my truck and pulled away.

I slowed down a little as I passed by Jake's house, but there was no sign of him anywhere. I was glad I didn't have to drive by him again. The pain from earlier had been almost unbearable. So I kept going and drove toward Forks.

My mind was a million miles away, trying to decipher the things Quil and I had discussed. I had just rounded the corner, about a mile from my house, but still in a heavily wooded area. I thought for a moment that I saw something from the corner of my eye, but I wasn't sure. I did, however, instinctively speed up.

I glanced once more toward the forest, then back at the road when my headlights caught something dark just ahead in the road. I slammed on my brakes and came to a skidding halt, nearly hitting, none other than, Jake.

I know I screamed as the thought of me hitting him flashed through my mind and when I had the truck at a complete stop, my hands were glued to the wheel, I couldn't move. I was scared to death. What if I had run over him?

But he was fast, and before I knew what was happening, he was prying my hands from the wheel, and calling my name, as he pushed me over and climbed in under the wheel.

"It's okay, Bells. It's okay," he said, putting one arm around me, and throwing the truck into gear. He drove for a few minutes, then turned down a dirt road that wove into the forest. When he had my truck out of sight he stopped, put the truck into park, and killed it.

The silence was deafening and the only movement was that of my trembling. I still couldn't believe what had happened. Then Jake slid us both over toward the middle of the seat and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his lap. I was safe now and we were together. This was the way it should be, always.

"Jake, what are you doing?" I asked, in a faint whisper.

"I had to see you. When you drove by me earlier and I knew you were going to Quil for comfort, Bella, it made me so angry. I know what you said last night, and I believe you, but I was so angry that we weren't together. I wanted you to stop and be with me, but I knew the others were watching. So, when I got free and they went home, I waited outside of Quil's, then I followed you."

"That was you I saw. The blur in the forest, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. I'm fast when I'm in wolf form," he said, smiling at me.

I reached up and touched his face, letting my fingers trace his high cheekbones, his upper lip, and his chin.

"I haven't seen you smile in so long. You're so handsome when you smile," I said, feeling the smooth texture of his skin under my touch.

"You're the only reason I have to smile now, Bella," he whispered, as he pulled closer until our lips were mingled as one flesh.

His skin was hot, yet soothing to me, and I wanted to be here in his arms forever. My arms instinctively encircled his neck and I moved my lips softly, tenderly, against his. But I felt him stiffen and pull away. He looked at me with that same look as last night.

"Jake, what's wrong?" I asked, in a sincere and quite tone of voice.

"Bella, are you sure you still want to be with me? How can you when....."

"Jake, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be with."

"Are you sure, cause you reek of Quil?"

I couldn't help but laugh and nearly cry at the same time. But for now, it was just Jake and Bells again and I could have him to myself for these few moments where it was just us and nothing else mattered.