sounds of guitar-strummin..."Just-a good ole boys..."
Mama, what're you doin'? I'm busy 'ere! I tol' you, Mama, I'm a-tellin' stories!
No, they ain't gon' show my face on the TV...it's a thing on the interweb...I'm a balladeer, Mama! Now, git - I'ma tryin' t' write a song...
Pardon me, folks...I's gettin' a little inspired tellin all about some o' ma fav'rite people. Where was I, now? Oh yes...
Last time we saw the Cullens, them boys were all frozen on the threshold, like two deer in the headlights of a 4x4 with a passel o' beer-crazed hunters standin' in the bed. Let's take a look-see at how that turns out...
"Goll durnit, Edward!" Rosalie shouted, flinging a wooden spoon covered in gravy at his head. "D'ya have to come rushin' in here like a damn turnader? Y'all prolly brought half the road in 'ere!"
"Hush up, now, Rosie," Carlisle held his hand out to her to be quiet. "Boys, I done told you a thousand times—"
"Uncle C, we 'pologize," Jasper interjected with quite the forced cherubic grin. "We was hungrier than Rosie on PMS, and—"
Jasper ducked just in time to miss another dirty utensil that came flying. Good thing, too, because that knife was just sharpened. Pulling it from the wall with both hands, he smirked and licked the grease on the side. "Mmm, I love bacon."
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Carlisle stood before another weapon could take flight. He took a place between the boys and Rosalie. "We have guests! Jasper, Edward, go clean up. I don't even wanna guess what trouble yer into today already."
Now, Edward ain't a shy boy, but his attentions bin fish-hooked by the pretty lil' doe-eyed lass sitting in his usual chair. She mighta been fancyin' him, too, but she wun't gon' admit it.
A quick smack to the back of the head by Jasper, and Edward was no longer mute. "Dammit, Jas, if'n you hit me, you best—"
"BOYS!" Carlisle's eyes burning holes in their head told them he meant business. A couple of mumbled sorrys and they were off. "Please excuse my nephews, ladies," he said, turning to Alice and Bella. "Sometimes they're—"
"Jus' plain ignert."
"Rosalie!" Carlisle was clearly becoming exasperated by the sheer lack of manners his brood were exhibiting in front of guests.
"Excuse me, what?" Alice piped up, looking at Rosalie.
"What?" She responded, her face in a mild sneer.
"They're just plain what?"
"Ignert. Y'know, they ain't got the sense God gave a turd," she explained as if it should be totally obvious. Carlisle sighed and took his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose. Bella was quietly shaking in her seat, trying to contain her laughter.
"Oooh, you mean ig-no-rant." Alice smiled, but it died a quick death from the glare she received in return. "Sorry."
Rosalie finished dressing the table with the bowls, plates and pans of food. As the final dish touched down, Emmett burst through the door like a bull.
"Howdy, y'all!" He boomed.
"Emmett, I din't hear you drive up!" Carlisle turned in his seat.
"That's 'cuz I din't come in sideways like some folks," he replied, and winked at Rosalie. She rolled her eyes in response. "Mmm-MMMM! Miss Rosalie, I tell ya, you must love me to make such durn good eats!"
"Dammit, Cooter, durn near e'body calls me Rosie," she snarled. Alice mouthed "Cooter?" at Bella, who bit her lips together in response.
"Well, I'm just tryin' to stand out from the crowd, honey."
"Smellin' like you done fell in a grease pit does ya just fine."
That was it. Bella lost it and burst into full-out guffaws. Half-voiced apologies tried to come out, but the laughter took all her breath. Alice couldn't help it and dissolved into her own fit of giggles.
"Cooter, could you not hit on our cousin right now? We're 'bout to eat," Edward shot as he reappeared in the kitchen with Jasper in tow.
"Boys, he couldn't hit on me with a baseball bat," Rosalie said with a smirk in Emmett's direction, who scowled.
"Your name is Cooter?" Alice asked with a mild look of disgust, though still giggling.
"Ladies, I can't apologize enough, but allow me to innerduce my family proper-like," Carlisle began while he stood. "This here's my niece Rosie, as you no doubt figgered." Rosalie performed the only sarcastic curtsy in history. "Cooter, or 'Crazy Cooter' as he was nicknamed by his granpappy years ago, is actually Emmett McCarty. He's practically a Cullen, jus' not by blood, and our resident mechanic genius."
Emmett smiled wide, popping his dimples, until Rosalie's snort registered in his ears. He shot her a wink. She groaned.
Carlisle gestured finally to the boys against the wall. "And these are my nephews Edward and Jasper."
Edward stepped forward and bowed slightly. "Howdy, ladies." A tiny smile knocked his lips crooked. Bella's mouth took a turn in response.
Jasper tipped his hat, copped a grin, and said, "Pleasure t'meet ya both."
Carlisle took Edward by the shoulder and directed him to a chair. "Ed, why don't you take this seat by Alice, here...and, Jas, you over there next to Bella."
The boys exchanged looks briefly before shrugging and moved to sit down.
"And get that damn hat off yer head!" Rosalie smacked the hat herself, and it flipped forward. Jasper caught it in his hand. "I know you's born in a barn, but damn boy!"
Alice shot a panicked look at Bella, mouthing, "Is she serious?"
"I tell ya, I'm so hungry I could eat a grizzly," Emmett bellowed, plopping into an empty chair next to Rosalie, who quipped, "Not if 'e ate you first, an' I'll tell ya who I'm bettin' on."
"Well, dig in." Rosalie gestured to the food. "Ain't like there's some ceremony er sumthin. Oh, and Emmett," she overemphasized his name, "try to use yer fork once in a while. We don' wanna scare the city-folk."
Alice rolled her eyes before scouring the dishes for something she could eat. Bella began dishing hash browns and bacon, and before long, Alice couldn't resist doing the same. The sounds of happy grubbing overtook the table.
"Well I'll be, cuzzin," Jasper said as he tipped his chair back on its hind legs and simultaneously rubbed his belly. "I think these girls can give Coo—er, Emmett, a run for his money in the eatin' department."
Twin snorts came from Rosalie and Emmett's side of the table, but Jasper's attention was rapt on Alice, who was filling her plate again. "You ever eat real Southern food, 'afore, darlin'?" He asked her, clearly amused at her appetite.
"We have bacon in the north," she said genuinely, chomping on a strip as she spoke.
Jasper chuckled, but before he could respond, Rosalie jumped in again. "He meant the biscuits 'n' gravy, honey."
"Oooh, it's sooooo good, Rosie," she spoke through a mouthful of biscuit. Alice's mood had clearly made a turn thanks to a full—very full—belly. Her use of "Rosie" got Bella's attention, whose eyes went wide.
"It is delicious, thank you," Bella chimed in. "Um, Mr. McCarty—"
Before she could even state her question, the entire table, save Alice, erupted into hysterics. Edward choked on his hash browns, while Jasper nearly spit up orange juice on the floor. Carlisle lobbed a whack between his shoulder blades, and Rosalie fell sideways into Emmett's heaving shoulders. Bella was beet-red by the time airways cleared and breath returned to the Cullen lot.
"Hot damn, I have not laughed that hard in so long..." Edward wiped tears from his eyes. "Thank you, Miss Bella."
"Please, ma'am, call me Emmett," he said, his own slight blush fading. "I ain't never been called Mr. McCarty—that's my pappy." Like a bunch of giggling pre-teens, the laughter rebounded at the sound of the words. "Shut yer pie holes, y'all! Miss Bella has a question. Yes'm?"
Now visibly unsure, Bella had to dig a bit to get her question out. "I-I was just wondering what time you think our car will be ready?"
"Time?" His tone clearly indicated he thought she was joking. "Well, I'm real sorry, ma'am, but parts for Lammergeenies arn jus' rollin' round Hazzard like'm tumbleweeds. I took a quick look 'afore I hooked her up, and I think you mighta durn near dropped yer tranny!"
Rosalie scoffed instantly. "Dagnubbit, Cooter, I swears you got shit fer brains!"
"Rosie!" Carlisle hadn't given up on cleaning up the language yet. Rosalie clearly ignored him.
"I'll take a look at yer car and make sure this hayseed ain't done screwed anything up for ya," Rosalie assured the girls.
"What do you know about sports cars?" Alice's paranoia was back. "I mean, I could make a call and—"
"I WILL TAKE CARE O' THAT VEE-HICKLE, JUS' FINE!" Emmett hollered, as he stood. "Why y'all actin' like I don' know my job? Gawd! I'll be at the garage."
Emmett turned quickly to Rosalie, taking her hand in his and kissing it, before telling her, "Thank you fer breakfast, Miss Rosalie."
The tiniest and briefest of smiles ghosted her lips before she smacked his hands and hissed, "Gitcher ass outta here, Cooter. I'll come by later to check yer handiwork."
"Or maybe get some hand-work," Jasper mumbled to Edward under his breath. Unfortunately for him (though fortunate for the entertainment of all others at the table), Rosalie heard and nailed him in the arm with her fist. "Damn, woman, yer meaner 'n a viper in need of a root canal!"
Hooooo-eee. I never thought I'da seen the day when Cooter McCarty would go to caterwaulin' like a riled up she-bear. That Rosalie shor'nuff prickles him up like he's been a'rollin in a poizon ivy patch. I wonder what that little comment Jasper made was about? Didja ever get the feelin' you was being left out of the loop?
"Can we help you clean up or anything, Rosie?" Bella seemed to have recovered from her embarrassment.
"What? Oh gosh no, yer comp'ny. 'Sides, these boys need to git outta my kitchen afore one of'm loses sumthin' he's permanently attached to." She shot a look towards the boys that could've frozen the fiery pits of hell.
The two of them leapt out of their chairs, hands hovering over their crotches, and glared at Rosalie. Jasper jabbed Edward in the ribs and gave him a meaningful look. Clearing his throat he asked, "Would, uh, you ladies like to take a stroll 'round the farm?"
Alice gave a brief cry and looked to her feet. Bella rolled her eyes at her.
"Give us a minute to change our shoes." She glared at Alice, daring her to say something to the contrary. Grabbing her hand, she dragged Alice out to Carlisle's truck to find appropriate farm footwear.
"Bella, I don't think I have anything that I'm willing to get shit-covered."
"Well, I suggest you make a sacrifice to the shoe gods then Alice, because I for one am certainly going to."
With a small tear leaking from her eye, Alice reached into the bed of the truck and grabbed her designer shoe carrier. A few minutes later Bella was wearing a pair of tennis shoes (yes, she runs, and doesn't do it in heels!) and Alice was frowning over two pairs of ballet flats.
"Oh, Christ on a donkey, Alice! Go with the black ones, they're easier to replace and show less dirt." The little pixie quickly flipped Bella the bird and put the shoes on.
The fellas chose that moment to step out onto the porch. Looking over to where the two red-blooded specimens of many a girls' wet dreams stood, Bella tapped Alice on the shoulder, pointed and smiled. Alice put on a come-hither smirk and crossed her arms. The boys practically fell over themselves, pushing the other out of the way to get down the stairs. Hammering each other with looks of blame, they strode towards the girls.
"Darlin', may I?" Jasper drawled, reaching out a hand to Alice. She let out a soft sigh and took his hand. He grinned devilishly at her.
Edward sidled up to Bella. "Sugar, would you allow me?" He mimicked Jasper's move and Bella graciously accepted.
The four of them moved off toward the barn, with the boys pointing out smaller sheds and a stream as they walked. It was a rather large barn and looked as though it was older than the house. It had several additions that made the haphazard persona of the building even more ominous.
"Is that thing safe?" Alice inquired, her eyes filled with fear.
"Of course it is, darlin'! Safer than a babe in its mother's arms. Don't you fret, I wouldn't let nuthin' happen to ya." His grin gave her a little comfort, but his husky tone stirred up more than a few other thoughts in her head.
Edward and Bella were walking behind them and talking quietly. As they approached the big double doors on the barn, a loud squeal erupted from its interior.
"What the hell was that?!" Alice was suddenly standing behind Jasper peeking from behind his broad back. Jasper and Edward threw their heads back in laughter.
"That, darlin', is Sassy, and she's a bit pissed 'bout her breakfast being late, I reckon." Edward approached the doors first with Bella in tow. Her feet were slowing when he reached for the latch.
"Is she going to charge out at us or something? I don't want to be run over." Bella's voice was apprehensive.
"Well, if she's done gone an' rooted her way outta her pen again you can smack Jasper. He was s'posed to fix it three days ago." A small crooked grin played around his lips, as he flung the doors open.
A cacophony of sounds assaulted the girls' ears. Squealing, clucking, baa-ing, moo-ing and even a nicker from an old gray mare standing in the corner greeted them.
"Wow. I have never heard such...noise." Bella looked into the gloom of the barn and then wrinkled her nose. "Ew. It smells too."
"I am so not going in there if it smells." Alice was now being dragged to the barn by Jasper.
"Relax, darlin', Din't I say I'd take care of ya? C'mon, it's just fresh air."
"Oh, I'll bet it's fresh alright." She grimaced at the thought of what was fresh. He chuckled at her and put his arm around her tiny frame to hold her close in a protective manner.
Bella stood not far from where Edward was throwing corn down for the chickens to peck at. There were probably two dozen of them eagerly scratching for a handout.
"Jasper, you take Alice over t'meet Sassy, she likes you better, anyhow." Edward chucked his thumb over at a pen on the other side of the barn.
They walked toward the pen, where the squealing was now reaching epic proportions.
"Grab that bucket there, darlin'." Jasper pointed at a bucket that looked worse than an un-flushed stall at a biker bar. She pointed at it and looked at him.
"You want me to touch THAT?" There went that chuckle again.
"What? Is it too heavy?" He was obviously enjoying her discomfort.
"UGH! No, it's not too heavy you...you moron—it's gross!" His grin widened and he reached past her to pick up the slop bucket.
"I were only teasin' ya, darlin. We cain't have you gettin' all dirty, then we'd haf'ta get ya clean." His innuendo, as hick as it sounded, was not lost on Alice. She raised an eyebrow and smirked at him.
Their attention was drawn back across the barn as Bella let out a giggle. She was laughing at Edward as he tried to explain to her how to milk a goat. "First ya warm up yer hands, little Jessie here don' take kindly to cold hands, then ya jus' grab the teat…" Bella was biting her lip furiously, stifling giggles quite unsuccessfully. "Then you stroke down and give a gentle squeeze…" Bella was turning ten shades of red by now, and her giggles were giving way to snorts and belly laughs.
"What's so funny, Sugar?" His crooked grin said he knew exactly what was funny, but pretended to ignore it. She was full on chortling now, and nothing would stop her short of an earthquake.
"Don't you worry yer pretty li'l head, Jessie, I won't let'er get ya." He spoke to the goat as if he were protecting her from the laughing maniac at his side. He finished up his chore with a no-nonsense familiarity and snatched up the bucket before the two kid goats could drink it all. "I think y'all will like this part better."
He reached up on a shelf and brought down two large baby bottles. Filling each, he handed one to Alice and the other to Bella. He pointed them to another pen with two young lambs inside. Jasper stepped over the short wall and picked up one, while Edward grabbed the other.
"Um, we get to feed them?" Jasper simply nodded his head. Alice seemed to be much happier with this chore. She quickly held the bottle up for the lamb to suck on. A sweet smile graced her face as she looked at Jasper, amazed.
"I'm feeding a lamb!" She squealed in delight. The smile on Jasper could light fires.
"Can I hold her—er, him?" Bella asked, awkwardly holding out her arms.
Edward kicked a small stool to her. "Ya might wanna sit, Sugar. They're squirmier than a night crawler 'til they settle in."
She sat down, and he placed the lamb in her lap. As it began to pull on the bottle, she gave him an award-winning smile. Both the girls were silent, but beaming with contentment while the lambs fed.
"Well, I don't know about y'all, but I could use some lemonade." Jasper licked his lips pointedly and held out his hand to Alice. "C'mon, Miss Alice, I bet Rosie has some made in the fridge."
The boys led the girls to a small outdoor table under a large oak tree and disappeared inside to fetch the refreshments.
"Bella, is it just me, or are these two just the hottest pieces of manflesh you've ever seen?" Alice fanned herself as she sat.
"The crotchsplosions are imminent, captain!" She replied in her best Mr. Scott Star Trek voice.
"It's a bit idyllic, isn't it? Hot, gentlemanly...uh, gentlemen. OK, some of that nasty barn shit can go, but I can handle some cowboy action."
"Well, we've only been here a few hours, maybe this is the calm before the storm."
"Calm?" Alice looked at her like she sprouted fur. "Were you at breakfast?"
Jasper made his way back out the door with a tray holding a pitcher of lemonade and four glasses of ice. It was just so cliché, like a Country Time lemonade commercial. Edward followed a moment later with two banjos in his hands.
"Y'all want some?" Jasper graciously offered them drinks first, winking at Alice.
Both ladies nodded their heads. Their gazes, however, had zeroed in on the banjos Edward carried.
"OH. MY. GOD," Alice declared in a hushed voice, leaning into Bella. "We're gonna die. This is Deliverance. You heard the pig squealing in there, right? We're gonna be sodomized and DIE."
Well shit fire and save the matches folks. Them girls seem to think they done got themselves in a right heap o'mess. I don't know about y'all but I'ma thinkin' that Miss Alice tends to be one'a them shoot first and ask questions later kinda people. I reckon what I mean to say is, who offers lemonade to a person they intend to sodomize? And just what in tarnation does that mean anyhow? I better go find me a dictionary...
Damn Yankees an' them there fancy words…
A/N: Don't worry y'all. Alice is just a fish outta water! :) Reviews are like LEMONADE on a hot summer's day.