…Ha, take that BobbyRay, you gol'durn, good fer nuthin', card cheatin', trailer stealin' ass…OH! Pardon me folks, I didn't see y'all there. I been a bit outta sorts lately, what with livin' out of doors and havin' to sacrifice my liver for the good of the community…that Carlisle makes the best damn whiskey. 'Scuse me fer one second.
(muted shufflin' sounds) Awww, Jenny don't be like that, Darlin' I tol' you I'd get it back, and I did. Fergive me, please? I know I done been gone fer four weeks, but it's back now, and I even repainted the front porch…OW! Okay, I'll let you get back to yer stories…
Sorry, fer the delay folks, I reckon we left off in the middle o' the bar brawl, which din't turn out too good fer the boys.
Bella's stare was fixed at the end of the long dusty driveway. Nothing appeared. Her worried frown translated to a shuffling dance from foot to foot. Alice came running to the far end of the porch where Bella waited, glass in hand and ice cubes clinking.
"What is that?" Bella questioned her, pointedly looking at the drink.
"Mooooonshine," Alice crowed. "Rossslee ga'me sum."
"Bloody hell, Ali, you had enough at the bar. Now you're completely shitfaced!"
Rosalie's boots clipped along the floorboards. "Naw, I'd say she's about four or five sheets to the wind."
A spray of extremely strong alcohol heavily misted Bella, who ground her teeth behind her lips in annoyance. Lifting a hand to her face, she wiped the droplets and shook her hand at the floor. "Thank you, Alice. And Rosalie. That was mightily refreshing."
"'Mightily'? Sounds like you might just have some Suthern inya," Rosalie quipped, with a smirk.
"Nah yet, but she'ss plann'g on't sooniz Ewwerd giss back!" Alice's slurred punchline collapsed her to the ground in a fit of self-induced hysteria, spilling her unneeded drink all over Bella's shoes. Rosalie fought the giggles with a hand in front of her mouth and a heavy cough.
Bella grew impatient and stomped her foot. "It's been almost half an hour since we left! They should be back; aren't either of you worried?!"
Rosalie cocked an eyebrow and considered the question. "Worried? No. I'm pretty sure I know what happened." She swished her own glass of the "family recipe" and took a gulp. "Those bullheaded boys done got pinched. An' that ain't easy to do considerin' the one doin' the catchin'."
"What?! They got arrested?" Bella lost any calm she had. "What...what do we do? I have a little cash...I don't know if it's enough for bail..." She moved to go upstairs to check her purse, but tripped gracelessly over Alice's curled form. Alice, meanwhile, did not notice, as she was limper than a wet dishrag and completely unconscious.
The guffaws coming from Rosalie earned her a volcanic glare from Bella, but the effect was nil. "Honey," she said, her laughter reduced to giggles. "I ain't laughin' at yer spill, but at 'bail.' This is Hazzard. Ain't no such thang as bail."
The look of astonishment and near horror on Bella's face only made Rosalie laugh harder. The rise in excitement around the house brought Carlisle thundering down the steps in agitation.
"What in thee hell is goin' on out here, Rosalie Lillian Cullen?!" He hollered, fastening the belt on his flannel robe, and rubbing his eyes. "I kin only sleep through so many earthquakes 'fore I cain't sleep no more!"
Bella scrambled to her feet as Alice simultaneously popped from her solid ball on the ground, standing incredibly at attention. And saluting. "Occifer Aliss Murry Berndeen, 'porting fffduty!"
Bella and Rosalie both succumbed to the giggles this time, and within moments, Carlisle was holding his sides.
"Holy hell, Rosie, I done told you a thousan' times not to feed guests too much 'shine..." His chuckles were reined in a bit, but he couldn't fight them off completely. "Now, tell me what in tarnation is goin' on? And where're the boys?"
Funny you should ask, Uncle C...
"Had enough yet, Ben?" Jasper taunted. He turned to smirk at Edward, who was shotgunning a beer while sitting atop a struggling Eric. Tyler was still out cold from Alice's handiwork.
"I think I've had enough of you Cullen boys," a nasally voice sneered from the doorway. Sherriff Mike P. Newton. Chief pucker-up to Hazzard County Commissioner Aro Vulture, the resident moneybags and all-around bastard.
Edward caught Jasper's eye and mouthed, "Oh shit," complete with an eyeroll. "Well, if it isn't my favorite boy of the cloth, Michael 'Pussyboy' Newton," he sighed a contemptible response as he turned to face the door.
Newton's ears started to turn red and a goofy gurgling noise escaped his mouth as he chewed disturbingly on his lips. "Goldurnit, Cullen, my middle name is PURVIS!"
Both Cullen men laughed hardily. "Tha's not much better..."
"THA'S 'NOUGH NAH!" Newton erupted, his voice cracking at the end. His backup deputies Marcus and Caius swept into the room, attempting to look threatening. "Nah, ever'body else out! Bar's closed. 'Cept you Cullens, o'course!" He smiled sarcastically at Jasper.
Edward stood and released Eric. Jasper shoved Ben forward towards Tyler's still form. Ben shot him a look before he leaned down to smack Tyler across the face. He roused, and Ben pulled him to his feet. He fell over again.
"Git outta here," Newton muttered at the Unpleasant Three and turned back to throw his triumphant grin at Edward and Jasper.
"What the hell?!" Jasper yelled at their backs as they stumbled out the door. "They started it, they should—"
"HUSH!" Newton snapped, drunk on his authority. He pulled at his belt, hiking his already too-high uniform pants higher. Jasper snickered.
"Who you think you talkin' to, Newt, yer mama?" Edward countered, with an antagonistic tone and a simper on his lips.
"Oh, come on, now, Edward," Jasper said, mock-soothingly. "Mama Newton'd whoop his hide if he talked t'her like 'at!"
"ENOUGH!" Newton's puffy red face was near combustion point and his tight fists were balled up at his waist. He continued in a strained, high pitch. "Deputies, cuff 'em."
Hell, folks. Looks 'ike Edward 'n' Jasper's headed to the jailhouse. Damn fools, always gotta git the last word...last punch. But, hear now, don't get yer panties too much in a twist, cuz there's other mischief afoot...
Bella blushed. "I...I don't know, Rosalie, I mean...I usually don't act like this." She smiled shyly. With Alice tucked safely away in her bed and out cold, again, Rosalie went over her plan for "Operation Cullen Break" with Bella. Carlisle had also gone back to bed, after imparting a few nuggets of knowledge and then claiming he didn't want to know any details.
"Sweetie, you gots all the equipment," Rosalie retorted. "You jus' gotta flip some gears, tha's all! 'Sides, you'll knock ol' Newton into the middle o' next week with as li'l as a hip sway."
Rosalie muttered something about it taking less than that to completely capture Edward's attention, but Bella didn't quite catch it. She merely wrung her hands and gulped, digging deep for a bit of courage. "Why don't you do it, Rose? I mean, you'll have him eating out of the palm of your hand!"
Rosalie went in for the kill. "Cuz I'm not the one who makes Edward's heart go pitter-pat. And...hell, jus' truss me, city girl. Now, let's git some coffee in that little sprite and spring yer boys!"
Waking Alice was like squeezing blood out of a turnip: damn near impossible. The sun was coming up and Bella heard a rooster crow. She rolled her eyes around in her head and sipped on some of the coffee Rosalie brewed 'd made a pot of the blackest coffee Bella had ever seen and was all but funneling it down Alice's throat. Most of that first cup came back up, but the rest seemed to be taking effect, slowly but surely.
They went through the plan with her a few (hundred) times just to make sure her 'shine-soaked brain could retain it.
"Okaaaay, I'ma get this straight now. Bella an' I is gonna jailbreak the boys with our tits?" Alice's eyes were straining to focus and doin' a piss poor job.
"Sumthin' like that sugar," Rosalie said with a snort. "Now yer all dressed, let's git you inta the truck. It's almost eight o'clock and the ladies auxiliary meetin' starts in ten minutes!"
Folks, I don't know 'bout y'all, but when three angry wimmin-folk get together an' start plannin' things to distract us poor unsuspectin' men-folk all I can feel is pain. An' that pain usually comes as a set of blue rocky mountain oysters.
The girls followed Rosalie in Carlisle's truck. Rose would need a way to get back home if everything went as planned. It was a short drive to the sheriff's office, and Alice was still struggling to remain upright in her seat as Bella parked the truck down the block. Rose's Jeep had already turned the next corner and disappeared.
The office and jailhouse were all one building; old and brick, just like the rest of the town's structures. Directly across the street, city hall and the courthouse would have been mirror images if not for the latter's clock tower which seemed to be perpetually stuck at 11:23.
"Okay, Alice, can you at least try to walk? I can support you til we get in the door, then you're on your own."
"I got it! I just gotta keep the ped— ped— deppity lookin' at me an' not the boys, right? " Alice asked, attempting to walk in a straight direction with epic fail, one arm was draped over Bella's shoulders, her free hand was repeatedly fidgeting with her hair and her boobs. "I lovin' this bra Rosie give t'me. It makes my tits look huge! I'ma goin' shoppin soon as we get back to livicization, and buyin' ten offem!"
Bella's forehead met her palm, and she thought for the hundredth time, This is never going to work. "Ready?" she asked and looked down at Alice, who was still in deep contemplation of her cleavage.
"I was born ready, Bells! Lesss go stidract some tun-gotin' cops with our sweater monsters!"
Bella rolled her eyes and mumbled "Oh, Christ" at her feet, taking in the stilettos, mini-skirt and halter top she was wearing that left nothing to the imagination. If this went off without a hitch, she was going to beat Rosalie within an inch of her life for giving Alice all that moonshine and talking her into this cockamamie scheme.
She grabbed the door handle and, with a "Here goes nothing" look, opened the door. Stepping into the air conditioning, she felt Alice's intake of breath and prayed that the cold air was helping to sober her up a bit more. They approached a tall counter that ran almost the entire length of the room. Seeing no one around, Bella slapped the bell resting on the counter.
Two doors flew open almost simultaneously: one to an office, the other to the bathroom. The man stepping out of the office shot a dirty look at the other. Not knowing who was who, she just addressed them both, pulling out her best ridonkulous flirt act.
"Um, hi! I, uh, my friend and I are lost, and she's not feeling too well…we were hoping someone could give us some directions?" She batted her mascara-laden lashes, hoping it looked innocent and not like she had something in her eye.
The two officers stood there with short-bus expressions on their faces. Maybe this would be as easy as Rose made it sound. The taller one puffed up his chest and spoke first. "I'm Sheriff Michael P. Newton, ma'am. Can you service, er how can I be of service?"
Bella stifled a giggle. "Well, we were just passing through, and I got turned around, now I can't find my way back to the highway." She seductively placed her index finger on her bottom lip and thought of Edward, which made her blush a perfect shade of crimson. The sheriff gulped so loudly, you could've heard it a mile away. "And now, Alice isn't feeling well and I just don't know what to do."
Alice chose to remember her role at that moment and made a slight groaning noise, while hoisting her cleavage up and over the counter, making the deputy squawk like a strangled duck. "I think I need t'sit down."
The two men tripped over one another to get to the little half door and open it to bring the girls to their side of the counter.
"Sit over here."
"Here ma'am let me help you."
Their words jumbled out at the same time as they each reached out to give Alice a hand. She latched onto the deputy, turning to give Bella an exaggerated, owlish blink that was supposed to be a conspiratorial wink. Bella internally eye-rolled and hoped the men hadn't noticed.
Walking behind the counter she took in the rest of the office. Off to her left, she could see the jail cell and two sexy, slack-jawed and astonished southern boys sitting on a cot, card game forgotten between them. She glanced away quickly, knowing she couldn't give up the plan just yet.
Alice sat in a chair by a desk at the deputy's request as he tried to fetch her a cup of water. His eyes, however, were drawn to her boobs, so he kept moving the cup and proceeded to splatter water everywhere.
Bella felt a clammy hand on her arm. She turned to see the sheriff staring down her top and licking his lips. Ugh, nasty! Okay Bella, you can do this, you can do this!
"Can you give us directions back to the highway? We are in a bit of a hurry, and I hate to inconvenience you, officer." He barely even acknowledged her words as he dragged her over to a chair next to another desk, nodding his head in time with her swaying hips.
"Where, what, er, in a hurry?" His clammy hand was still latched onto her arm, and she thought she heard a growl coming from over her shoulder. Oh, this is wrong! I have to get him to face away from the back door! Think Bella, think!
"We were heading for Atlanta, and stopped for gas…" looking around the room she spotted a map on the far wall. Perfect! She stood and sashayed her hips as she headed for the giant map, hoping he would follow.
He did. It was like her ass was superglue, because his eyes were stuck. She reached the map wall and turned back to see Sheriff Newton adjusting himself and closing his mouth with a small click, when his teeth smashed together. Keep it together, Rosie should almost be ready, just five more minutes.
"So, um, Sheriff…" she cooed the title, trying to keep in character. "Can you show me on the map here how to get to Atlanta?"
She turned her body towards him, instead of the wall and glanced out of the corner of her eye to the boys. Edward looked livid, fists balled up and jaw clenched, but Jasper was obviously holding back laughter. She put her right hand behind her back and pointed to them, then the back door.
Alice was doing a good job keeping the deputy busy on Bella's other side. She heard her say "My! That's a big gun you carry! You must be so strong!" Then she heard a yelp that didn't come from Alice. She shot a look over to them and saw the Deputy rubbing his arm, Alice looked like she might bust a gut laughing.
Sheriff Newton drew her attention back to him by reaching to put an arm around her waist and drawing her in closer to his body, which reeked of onions and cheap cologne. Okay here's my chance, Edward please don't flip out. Placing her palm on his chest, she leaned into his body even more and forced a sexy smile. She was thoroughly disgusted, but she was counting on a rescue from Rosie any moment.
"Are you sure you're the Sheriff?" she teased. "I mean you look awfully young to hold such a powerful position. You must have been at the top of your class." She glanced up at him through her lashes and saw his eyes widen as she touched his puny chest. He was not a handsome man and had little charisma. She prayed she was laying it on thick enough, or that he was really dense enough to not see her revulsion.
"Yeah, er, yes! I am the sheriff, I have been for three years now." His hand on her waist was drifting south and though her knee was itching to make contact with his cocktail weiner, she needed him to stay focused on her. "And I'd be more than happy to show you my position, er, diploma in my office."
Bella heard a scuffle and a stifled laugh, she waved her free hand frantically at the boys. At the same moment Alice let out a loud, drunken "SHHHHHH!", which Bella turned into a huge fake sneeze, spraying spit all over Newton's shirt.
"Oh my! I'm so sorry, Sheriff, I must have gotten some dust…" Bella was pawing at Newton's chest trying to keep his eyes riveted to her, because Rosalie chose that moment to pop her head through the back door. Newton was so engrossed in Bella's bosom that was swaying and bouncing with her movements that a bomb could've have gone off next to them and he would've ignored it completely.
Alice had also seen Rosalie and jumped into the deputy's lap to keep him preoccupied. Bella gave a quick nod and watched as Rosalie shoved the boys out the back door to her waiting Jeep. She threw a thumbs-up to the girls and high-tailed it out the back door.
Less than thirty seconds later, she came screeching in the front. "Sheriff, come quick! The courthouse is on FIRE! The ladies auxiliary is trapped inside! Hurry!"
The deputy dropped Alice on her ass like a hot potato and screamed "MOMMA!" and ran out the door. Sheriff Newton was hot on his heels squealing like a little girl, "Mommyyyyyyy!" ringing through the office as he went.
Bella grabbed Alice's hands and hoisted her up to her feet, making a beeline for the back door. The door slammed against the wall as Bella hit it with her hip, dragging a still sloshed Alice out into the early morning sun.
Three feet from the building, Jasper was waiting with open arms for Alice. He snatched her from Bella's grasp, tossed her in the air, and caught her bridal style before climbing into the back of the Jeep with her.
Edward was in the driver's seat and reached a hand over to Bella to help her into the 4x4 monstrosity. As soon as her ass hit the seat, he took off like a bat out of hell.
"Wooo, lordy darlin'! That had t'be the funniest shit I've seen in ages!" Jasper's arms were wrapped around Alice, who sat curled in his lap while he chuckled. Bella noticed she was looking a bit green around the gills.
"Jasper, you might want to keep an eye on her. She had quite a bit of moonshine when we got to the house." His eyes popped open and stared down at Alice with what could only be read as respect mixed with desire and anger.
"Darlin' are you okay?" His voice was sweet but stern until he turned back to Bella. "How much did she have? I'ma kill Rosie!"
"Oh, sure Jas, you can get pissed off cause yer sweetheart there had some 'shine, but I ain't 'llowed to get pissed cause the Newt had his mangy, stinkin' paws all over mine? What the hell kinda ass-backward bullshit is that?" Edward's face was flushed, and his hands gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.
"Edward, it's alright! He didn't hurt me, and God knows he had to be the most repulsive man to ever—wait, did you just call me your—" He cut her off by grabbing her hand and winding his fingers through hers. His thumb lightly circled in her palm, sending a flare of heat through her body and straight to her naughty bits.
"I know he didn't, Sugar, but it doesn't mean I ain't mad 'bout what he did do. And just whose crazy idea was all that anyhow? Not that I'm complainin' 'bout the jailbreak, the food there sucks."
"Wasss Rose plan," Alice mumbled from the backseat. "We stidracted them with our boobs, and she sprung ya!"
Jasper's guffaw was so loud, Alice jumped about a foot in the air, landing back on his lap with a solid thump, which promptly shut him up. Bella was staring at Edward, a bewildered expression on her face. He glanced over at her from the corner of his eye and smiled wickedly.
"Yes, Miss Bella?" his voice purred, and her insides turned to jelly. He knew exactly what he was doing, and she silently begged him to keep it up.
"Um, nothing. I...we—we'll talk about it later!" The words exploded from her mouth, and she felt a blush that set her whole body on fire.
"Awright, Sugar, whatever you say." He turned his full attention to barreling down the road. Bella tried to concentrate on the path, just in case she needed to drive back later. Jasper and Alice were oddly quiet in the back. Bella turned to catch Alice's tongue down Jasper's throat, and his hands all over her ass.
Bella turned around abruptly and, with a blush hidden by semi-darkness, huffed quietly. Edward heard and checked the rearview mirror.
"Son'm'bitch," he grumbled, not noticing Bella's tiny smile at his reaction.
Soon they turned onto a gravel road on the outskirts of town. After fifteen dust-covered minutes, he took a right turn directly into a creek.
Bella gasped as cold creek water splashed into the open Jeep, and Alice garbled out a screech that probably alerted every male turkey to their presence.
"Warn a girl ness time Ewward!" Her speech impediment didn't seem to be improving, and Bella was a little concerned as to the effects moonshine was having on her friend. On the one hand it made her less stick-in-the-ass-oh-my-god-we're-gonna-die-in-the-backwoods. On the other hand, she seemed to be regressing from the progress the coffee had helped her make.
They drove down the creek for another fifty yards before exiting on the other side, onto an old logging trail. It was rutted and rough, but the Jeep navigated it well. Since the trail was so overgrown it slowed their pace down to almost a crawl. Before too long the trees began to thin, and Bella caught sight of an old building in a weed covered clearing.
"What is this place?"
"It's Uncle C's old hide out. He would come here if he had to lay low after a run. It ain't much, but it's got a stove and a roof."
"Run?" escaped the girls' mouths at the same time.
"Yep. Uncle C was one of Georgia's finest rum-runners back in his day!" Jasper exclaimed proudly. "He give it all up to take care of us, but he kept this place just in case," he finished with a wink.
The Jeep came to a stop next to the small building. Edward hopped out and quickly made his way around to Bella's side. Reaching in, he grabbed her by the waist and helped her down. Jasper leapt from the backseat with Alice cradled in his arms, and her pixie face pinched in protest. Bella thought she looked like she might hurl.
"It's kinda the family business. Jas and I tried our hand at it, but it din't work out fer us."
"HA! Din't work out fer us?! Lemme tell you girls a story…"
"Jasper! So help me if'n you tell that story I'll stuff this kerchief back in yer mouth so fast yer head'll spin!" Edward brandished a red handkerchief that looked well used.
"Gol'durnit Edward! I still cain't believe you put yer nasty snot-rag in my mouth once today, you better not do it again!"
Edward burst out laughing. "Well, you couldn't keep quiet and almost ruined the escape!" Shoving the wrinkled cloth back in his pocket, he added, "And, uh, it ain't my kerchief! It's Cooter's!"
"Oh keeeerist! That's just inhumane!" Jasper looked slightly green himself.
"Jassper?! He put that rag in yer mouth? And I juss kisschoou? Oh, God..." Alice turned the worst shade of green yet, and promptly threw up all over Jasper's chest.
Boy, I shore hope there's runnin' water an' a change o' clothes in that there hidey-hole.
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A/N: Sorry for such a delay...you know how it is. Thanks to Lulubelle for checkin' our Ps & Qs...hot lovin' and spanks to the UU krewe. We heart you all, shalu & CarminMoon