EPOV

I could feel the warmth and silkiness of her skin. I let my face nuzzle against it and her fingers were playing at the nape of my neck.

Last night was a slip that I never intended to happen. I want these happy moments with her before the Jane mess. It was what was needed to finally bring down Aro Volutri's thirty-five year old drug and prostitution ring. The nail in the coffin was supposed to be the trial and then I could tell Bella everything.

She wasn't making this easy for me, the night before I knew she was disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm about having children with her. She wouldn't want children with someone like me and she would forbid me from seeing Rylan once she knew.

The fight with James was another set back along with the Grey Goose I swiped from the ballroom at Aro's mixer. Carmen dropped me as an escort for James, that woman had no clue what he was and when I heard her protest in the hallway leading to the restrooms I stepped in.

James threw the fact that she dropped me in my face. He said I wasn't able to satisfy my cliental. That wasn't what set me off it was the bruises that were coloring Carmen's collarbones and neck.

No woman deserved that type of abuse and with the alcohol coursing through me; I was going to put a stop to it. Aro's son Alec and his friend Peter were the ones to pull me off James' broken body. He deserved every moment of pain I inflicted on him.

"I know you're awake," my angel whispered.

I opened my eyes and I was lying right in the valley of her breasts. "I should go."

"You're not going anywhere."

I pushed up but she never removed her hand from my neck. I looked at her. She had her glasses sliding down her nose as usual and her hair was a beautiful mess of tousled curls.

"How do you even want me here after… I drank last night," I could hear the disgust in my voice.

"And I'm here to help you through whatever this is," Bella said sweetly yet firmly.

My angel was innocent and had no clue how far in I was. There was no helping me. I knew I wouldn't be drinking again, that was a lapse of judgment on my part. It was there and I didn't want to fail plus Bella had shut her phone off.

I had to adjust to the consequences of my decisions because once she found out and wanted nothing to do with me I wouldn't be able to turn to my coping mechanisms. That is was one thing I learned the first three times I was in rehab.

"You didn't come home last night and shut off your phone," I said calmly looking into her expressive chocolate eyes.

"You never answered any of my texts," she replied, but it wasn't biting. "I had Rylan screaming for you all afternoon."

"I'm sorry."

"He loves you that's why he did it," she murmured and then began tracing my temple. "What is going on in here?"

"I love you and worry that's its not enough. I don't think you understand how much, sometimes it scares me. I've never felt this and we've both changed… You were so quiet when we met, look at you now nothing is held back," I said in slight awe.

"I was always like that; it's just that when Jake died I felt like I lost that. I was like that because of him, he brought so much out in me…he challenged me, but then he was gone. With you I love sharing what I'm thinking or how I feel," she paused and a beautiful smile graced her lips. "You get it and respond in your own way. I love that."

I was out of her arms and pulled her into mine. I laid her down so I could hover over her. I knew without a doubt this woman loved me, the sparkle in her eyes and the smile she held only for me spoke volumes. I felt like I couldn't truly verbalize just how much she owned my heart. It was hers, no one else's.

I took a deep breath and kissed her with everything I had. As if she could feel in my kiss how much I struggled with my love. I wanted her to know she was loved; she would question that when she found out.

"I never thought someone like you existed, I was a zombie before you. My family was all I ever had and then here you are offering me something that I have been wanting for a while. I would look at Rosalie and Emmett envying the life they had. I met you and I felt that happiness," I told her.

It was like I could tell Bella over and over I loved her, but they were just words. When we were together, I would try to express my love and even that didn't feel like it was enough.

My secrets and my past had been shadowing us this whole relationship. My guilt eating away at me, but I couldn't seem to stay away from her. If I could drag Bella and Rylan away from this whole world I'd been living in I would. We would have a house with a porch and fenced in yard. Maybe even a dog because Rylan loved animals and I think he would be ecstatic about that. I saw a little girl that was the perfect mix of me and Bella toddling around with her big brother showing her what she could get into.

I said things to her the night before last about dreams. She wanted those things she saw them as a possibility for us, but I knew that the truth I had hidden would destroy us and what we had. With this reality, I needed to move forward because when Bella did leave my life I couldn't turn back to my old vices I needed to excel forward and become the man I should have been in the very beginning.

A man that was honorable, a man that was capable of loving an angel without deceiving her. More importantly, I need to prove I could be what I wanted to be for myself.

Bella dragged me to the shower saying I smelled. I had to agree the alcohol still seemed to be wafting from me. There wasn't much showering happening though; she had her way with me. To say I wasn't into it would be a lie, but my guilt came to a peak last night.

Her legs were wrapped around me and I was in her. She was the one who had my back pressed into the tiled wall as she rode me. "Edward," she moaned peppering kisses against my neck.

"God…Bella," I breathed as my legs almost gave out.

I was propped against the wall and holding her as she moved, this had to have been a safety hazard. It was the first time she initiated our intimacy like this. She was being aggressive this wasn't her.

Once both our orgasms hit she went limp in my arms as I held her.

"I don't want to move," Bella mumbled bringing her lips to meet mine.

I tried lifting her up so I could pull out and set her on the floor, but her eyes grew defiant. She clenched her thighs around my waist refusing to move. I take that back she moved but it was more of a grinding moving.

"Love?" I questioned gently.

"I just want you with me," she murmured ducking her head down.

"You are with me, but this isn't the best position for a second round when we already did round one like this," I explained bringing my sore nose to brush against hers.

"I like when we're connected," she whispered but she wasn't looking at me.

I tried lifting her again and she tried not budging, but I squeezed her waist with a little pressure. My back was hurting from being arched and trying to balance her weight so we wouldn't fall.

I turned the water off and she bolted out of the shower. I wasn't sure if she grabbed a towel, but I got my answer when I entered her room.

She sat on the end on the bed with nothing on, teeth chattering and tears flowing. I pulled the towel I grabbed for her and wrapped it around her.

"Bella," I began.

"Something's wrong," she cried still refusing to look at me.

"What do you mean love?" I asked running my hands up and down her arms.

Her tears were torture and I was the one that has caused them. I wasn't worth her tears.

"You've been distant the past couple of weeks and then you come here last night drunk and beaten. Don't even get me started with… the confusing babble," she hiccupped.

"I'm having trouble at work and I can't disclose what's going on," I sighed.

"Leave, just leave, seeing you like this is…" she sobbed without finishing.

I lifted her and placed us both underneath the covers. My Bella was fragile, yet strong willed, but I knew once this all came out we're done for. In this moment, the words I knew without a doubt, she would leave with Rylan.

An hour later, she slept, her phone began ringing and it was Carlisle.

"Hello?"

"Edward?" he asked carefully.

"Yes."

"I'm out front…" he trailed off nervously.

"She called you," I said flatly.

"Do you blame her? The girl was scared."

"It was a slip in judgment," I insisted.

"You've said this before; I want to make sure that's all it was so it doesn't escalate."

I scribbled a note to Bella, kissing her head. She was fucking gorgeous. As I stepped into the hall, I ran into Jasper.

"Carlisle is it okay if Jasper joins us?"

"Uh, sure, but Edward…"

"Great we'll be right out," I assured hitting end on my blackberry.

"I'm going where?" Jasper asked adjusting his tie.

"I had a bit of an altercation last night, that involved Aro's new it boy James and a bottle of vodka."

"He wants you to see your sponsor," he nodded.

"I can't tell him," I said solemnly because Carlisle always knew. I told him everything, but with the investigation, it was dangerous for him to know.

"I'll go," he shrugged heading to the door.

As we ate breakfast, I learned Jasper Swan was a smooth fucker. He was good at controlling situations around him this was the reason he was the District Attorney of Seattle.

Carlisle was hesitant to discuss my past in front of Jasper, but when I urged him on, I could see him relax. He could see I trusted Bella's brother a lot like she trusted him.

"I know of a good program for relapsed addicts, I could give you the information so next time you won't feed into the temptation," Jasper offered drinking his refilled coffee.

"I think that would be great," and I was sincere.

After Carlisle was convinced that I didn't want to fall into old patterns again, he went on his way.

Jasper did have a long talk with me about controlling my temper and drinking. His main point was I needed to do thing for myself. I knew he wanted to protect Bella but he saw my predicament as well. Stressful situations didn't help addicts and the pressure I'd been under he said he wasn't surprised this hadn't happened sooner.

I went back to my place and was surprised to see Bella curled up on the couch reading a book.

"Hey," she smiled sheepishly.

"You're here," I murmured scooping her into my arms.

"This is where I want to be."

"Bella," I started.

"This is where I want to be," she repeated firmly the finality of her statement present.

Here I was with Bella not allowed to argue about my complications. This has become a cluster fuck.

A/N: I'll say this now next chapter will be rough and the gala… Please let me know what you're thinking. I know my regulars will, but I'm interested on what all of you are thinking. This story is wrapping up. I cheated and wrote the epi because it was stuck in my head. Also check out Amongst the Living my other fic… That one makes me happy and not so dark and twisty!

Dolphin62598 is my beta and a massive help!