Chapter 8: The Planned Invasion.
House gathered his team around him in the office. It was their scheduled time in the conference room and he was planning to take advantage of, once again, having the office all to himself and his team.
"Alright, what have you found?" he asked as he paced by the white board.
The four young doctors stared at him.
"There's nothing, House," Taub said.
"We have looked. We went through all of the clinic files and raided the ER. There just aren't any mysteries right now," Cicciliano stated
"I'd settle for anything right now, just to make it look like we're busy," House said.
"Fractures, sniffles, STIs, that's all there is," Chase said.
"Damn," House cursed and took a seat at the table. "Then what are we going to do about Wilson?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" Taub asked, "we have to go about our work and leave Wilson and his team to themselves."
"But that's no fun either," Chase said.
"Wilson and House have started World War Three," Cicciliano said. "It's been slow for us, so House's plan is to rally the troupes!" she added, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes.
"That's right, Mussolini," House nodded.
"So what do you have in mind?" Forman asked from the head of the table as he looked across at House.
"We have the conference room to diagnose in, so let's brainstorm," House said. "What can we do to sabotage Wilson without really causing any permanent and possibly life-threatening events?" he asked.
"Well they are the new kids on the block, and we've been around the block a few times so-to-speak," Chase said. "Let the hazing commence."
"Excellent my pretties," House hissed sarcastically.
"And what if we don't want to participate in this?" Taub asked.
"Are you saying you want to be Switzerland?" House asked.
"I just think because we are all adults that we shouldn't be making this into anything more than it is." Taub said.
"You are a killjoy and nobody likes you!" House said like a child.
"But where is the fun in that?" Chase asked Taub, "We're serious all the time. It's slow in the hospital; we have finished everything that we need to do, so why not mess around with the new guys?"
"Because it's adolescent and immature," Taub said.
"It's not going to hurt anyone!" Forman said.
"You are going to participate in this?" Taub asked.
"Yeah, I'm bored and I really don't see why Wilson needs a team. Cancer is cancer right?" Forman said, "Besides he has a whole department!"
"My thoughts exactly," House said, "besides I haven't really messed with Wilson since, oh man, before I hooked up with Cuddy. He's due!"
"Also, Forman," House added, addressing Forman, "make a note: if Taub elects not to participate, he's fired!"
"Now, as I was saying: it's just little things, like salt in the sugar dispenser, and stapling their files to the ceiling," House concluded.
"Next thing you know you'll want to TP our own office." Taub said, "This isn't some fraternity."
"We could TP Wilson's office," Cicciliano said.
"And wrap their cars in plastic wrap!" Chase said.
"They are all very good ideas!" House said as he stood and walked to the white board.
"What are you doing?" Forman asked, "if you write all this down they're going to know."
"That's why we need to write it in code," House said and put question marks across the top of the board and then wrote 'do not erase' under it. "Give me symptoms that would have the initials TP." He said and poised himself to write.
"Thrombocytopenia," Forman stated.
"Good." House said and scribbled it down.
"Put down Sodium Imbalance for the salt in the sugar shaker," Cicciliano said.
"And Celiac Disease for stapling Wilson's patient files to the ceiling," Chase added.
"You guys are good," House laughed, "My contribution will be Paraneoplastic Syndrome and Hyperplasia." He added and jotted them down.
"What for?" Cicciliano asked.
"Well, if you take one of these," House said as he pulled a latex glove out of his pocket, "and you blow it up like this," he added and demonstrated, "you get what?" he asked.
"A balloon with five fingers," Taub said unimpressed.
"No, you get an abnormal cell!" House said rolling his eyes.
"And if you have several abnormal cells that migrate together you get Hyperplasia!" Chase stated impressed with the idea.
"What are we filling with cells?" Forman asked.
"The janitor's closet!" House stated.
"Oh you're evil!" Cicciliano stated, "I'll bug the workers to see just how long we have to wait till it's finished. Then, before their first meeting in that room, we'll fill it to the brim!"
"And Paraneoplastic Syndrome is for plastic wrapping the cars of Wilson and his fellows, isn't it?" Forman asked.
"It is!" House smiled and wrote down one final symptom on his board.
"Hyper Hydration," Chase stated, "what is that for?" he asked.
"That one I will handle," House smiled and threw files across the table at his fellows.
"What's this?" Forman asked.
"Wilson is coming look busy!" Cicciliano stated as she saw what House saw.
"It could be Lupus," Taub said as Wilson stepped into the office.
"It's never Lupus!" House said and fell into his chair.
"You found a case?" Wilson asked looking at the white board, "those symptoms are all over the place."
"I know! It's cool right?" House said.
"At least it's something." Wilson stated.
"Yeah, I was really bored for a while!" House said as the team rustled their files.
"Are you going to be much longer?" Wilson asked.
"No, I think we're good, um you can have the office, and I'll just take my team into my office and tell them what I want!" House said as all five of them stood again and walked away, "Oh and Wilson don't erase my board- that's very important diagnostic material there. Actually..." House hung his on the top of the white board, and pushed it toward his adjoining office. "Never mind" House commented, we'll take our business elsewhere. This way I won't have to worry about you touching my markers either- and no, that's not a euphemism" House smiled to himself.
"Sure," Wilson said, looking confused as he walked away.
"Good cover," House said when Wilson was gone, "Mussolini, you take the man from the land down under and go to the store and get whatever supplies we may need to carry out our offensive. Here's some money, only buy the best! We need quality here people. 2 Pac- you go find out which cars are the new fellows' cars and make note of where they are, and if you would like to jump them and move them around just to screw with our new colleagues by all means, go for it. I can add Hyper Mobility to the white board if you want."
"No don't, I'm fine without it." Forman said rolling his eyes.
"As for you, Umpa Lumpa, you bring me all the latex gloves you can smuggle out of anywhere you can find them," House said to Taub and shooed his team away.
"And what shall we call you?" Cicciliano asked before she and Chase left, "you've seemed to give code names to all of us, it would only be fair for you to have a name as well."
"When you return, my minions, I will tell you, but for now I am the Brigadier General, or Das Furher if you'd prefer, Wilson did call me Hitler earlier," House said and laughed evilly.
Chase and Cicciliano walked out of the office and down the hall. House chuckled to himself; this was going to be more interesting than he thought and at least three out of four of his peeps were on board.