Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, spells, etc. belong to JK Rowling. I made nothing original in this story except for the plot. Oh, and the songs. I wrote those, as well.

Harry Potter and the Discontinuity Factor: The Musical

Act I, Scene I

(curtains are closed, actors come running out on stage in front of the curtain, get in a line, brush off clothing, as if they were rushing backstage to be ready in time. once everyone is ready, cast sings song, "Theme For A Harry Potter Musical")

Why is the world in love again?
Why are we marching hand in hand?
Why is the magic world coming alive?
It's our brand show about Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Discontinuity Factor
Enjoy

(song ends, exit cast, the curtains open and the stage is set like a hedge maze, with fog across the stage floor)

(enter Harry Potter running, panting, and clearly disheveled)

Harry: huff… pant… wheeze… (with semi-frequent pauses to breathe) This is probably the worst idea I've ever had. Why the hell did I go through with this? First I fight the STRONGEST DRAGON IN EXISTENCE with absolutely NO help, then I'm sent to the bottom of the lake, just to save Ron again, and let me point out that our lake is the DEEPEST LAKE IN EXISTENCE, and now I'm in a hedge maze full of deadly monsters around every corner. What else could go wrong?

(womanly screams are heard offstage)

Harry: (breathing regularly now) Oh great, we have to deal with nagging women in this maze, too? I get enough of that with Hermione around…

(more womanly screams, also maniacal laughter)

Harry: Wait, that sounds like… Fleur, the hot French girl! And… Viktor? Now this I gotta see.

(enter Fleur, on the ground, and Viktor, standing above Fleur) (enter Triwizard Cup at the end of the stage opposite Harry)

Harry: Oh man. What's going on here?

Fleur: RAPE!

Harry: Well that's not good.

(Viktor turns around)

Viktor: Troublesome child. Avada Ke-

Harry: Interrupting cow!

Viktor: (lowers wand) …what?

Harry: Expelliarmus!

(Viktor's wand is thrown back, Viktor falls backwards onto floor. Fleur also lays back, as if unconscious)

Harry: Well, that was easy. You okay, Fleur? Fleur? (kneels down)Ah great. A fainter. And not even a reward for saving a damsel in distress… unless… (begins to rummage through robe pockets, then looks offstage abruptly at a glint of light) Hey wait, is that the tournament cup? SCORE! (pulls hands out of Fleur's pockets, puts various change into his own pockets, walks towards cup)

(enter Cedric from Harry's opposite side)

Cedric: Well hey there Harry, looks like we've reached an impasse. What are we gonna do now? We're tied for points, and this is the last task. What's it gonna be?

Harry: Well, I'm certainly not going to lose this tournament, and I'm sure you're not willing to give up.

Cedric: You're correct. Now, why don't we have a nice, friendly, by-the-books, to-the-death wizarding duel for the cup?

Harry: Okay. Wands out (both pull wands out), get ready (both turn around), and… FIGHT! (both immediately jump for the trophy and grab opposite ends)

(scene changes, lighting goes wild, all props and characters leave. Enter graveyard scene)

Harry: …huh. I did NOT see that one coming. Now… where am I?

Cedric: (with his head in a nearby cauldron) (vomiting noises) Ugh, I can't STAND portkeys! They pull right on my gag reflex. Conveniently placed right behind my belly button. (more vomiting noises)

Snape: (enters, with Death Eater mask on) What the devil are you doing to Lord Voldemort's summoning cauldron? You… AVADA KEDAVRA! (Cedric falls over backwards, dead)

Harry: No, Cedric! (kneels down, shakes Cedric around) You can't die on me! How am I supposed to prove that I'm better than you and win over your girlfriend Cho now?

Moody: (with Death Eater mask on, walks in from offstage) Limpify!

Harry: (Falls to the ground) Ow! Who did that? Don't you know who I am?

Moody: Indeed I do. That's why we teleported you here through the trophy, my boy. Didn't I teach you anything about deducing plot points in these situations?

Harry: What are you talking about? I don't know who you are; you're nothing but a dirty Death Eater!

Snape: Insolence, Mr. Potter! Detention, and twenty points from Gryfinndor!

Harry: What? Detention AND point deduction? This guy's a bigger jerk than Snape is! And that's saying something…

Snape: Are you asking for a week's worth of scrubbing cauldrons, Potter?

Moody: Enough talk! We must continue with the ritual! (puts a bowl next to Harry's arm) Shanking Hex! (Harry screams in pain) And now… (pours blood into cauldron, and cuts off "hand" into cauldron as well) And the final ingredient to Dark Lord soup… (turns toward audience/camera while struggling with something in his robe, pulls baby out of robe, haphazardly tosses baby over his shoulder into the cauldron)

(light shines from cauldron, Voldemort rises from the cauldron)

Voldemort: HEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! (generic evil laugh)

Scene 1 End