Birthday Update Fest – Number 6
"I'm fine, just go back to sleep," I hear my saying. I watch as Cassie turns over, her quiet snoring reaching me again in less time than usual. Tonight I am proud of myself. The covers are still on the bed.
I get up as quietly as I can, grab my wand and creep out the door and down to the common room. I had always thought the Ravenclaw common room amazingly beautiful, a calming sort of gorgeous that relaxes the mind. Plop into the softest chair and wriggle up into the smallest ball possible. Gather the darkness around. Black, shadows, darkness – all good. What's bad is when the sun, that great ball of fire, comes out or someone lights the wood in the fireplace.
My eyes wander around the room, playing over each irregular shadow. I need to make sure that I am alone. Because although none of the blankets were kicked off my bed, tonight was the clearest nightmare I have had in a long time.
I don't usually see her eyes. They are the worst part. Long after she finishes screaming, the eyes still show the pain. It's terrifying.
Running my fingers down the length of the wand, I breathe in deeply. Tomorrow is the first meeting of Dumbledore's Army, the name of the group Harry is teaching. I need to be prepared, need to be able to hide my true crazy more than I usually do.
A ghost wanders through the room, nods at me, moves on. I don't even acknowledge that she was there. Just continue to play with my wand.
Eyes. Stare. At. Me. They are asking for help. I can't help. I'm too young.
I will not cry. Will not cry. Will not cry. I cry too much.
He needs to help. Harry needs to help me. If he doesn't, I don't know what to do. If he doesn't, I just know that I will be no more.
People can wither away from the inside out, without anyone noticing. Or with people noticing, it doesn't make that much of a difference. I've seen it with my father. He's withering.
I don't want to be like that. I want to keep living.
Without any thought my wand flicks and a shining orb appears. It keeps me company through my pathetic musings.
Nights like this it is good to have work to do. But I have none. I'm a good student who gets it all done when it is assigned. Stupid of me. So stupid.
I don't fall asleep again. Can't fall asleep again. Soon enough Cassie will wake and realize that I'm not there and come down here and try to talk me into going back up, but she will fail. I'll just smile at her and ramble, and she'll give up. Always does.
She's a pity friend. She feels sorry for me so she talks to me. Not like Ginny. I get the impression that Ginny actually likes me.
But she can't help me. And Harry thinks I'm crazy. I'll just have to prove myself through this club. Just have to prove that I'm not crazy, that I'm like him. It'll take work though.
The orb pulses, a calming light that isn't like fire. It is relaxing. Not relaxing enough to coax me back into oblivion, but enough to calm my pulse.
I'm not going back up until it's time to get dressed.
Authors Note: I'm sorry for the long wait that only gave you this short little piece of crap. But I've been busy. Expect updates to be MUCH more frequent, and MUCH better than this. But I needed to get this bunch of angst out, and you'll see why later. Review please!