Chapter 2
Welcome Home
"Welcome home" is what I'm tempted to say.
She wouldn't smile like she would have before.
I'm tempted to embrace her. She's here. She knows I'm not dead.
And something holds me away;
it's not just the raw scars on her back and arms.
She's burning with that "get away" shame,
which suddenly makes me ashamed.
We're both in damn pitiful shameful messes.
We're also quite mute.
I must have stared at the wall too long,
she limps away.
And collapses after a two steps.
000
Mornin'
"Wake up. Smell the muja muffins," is another thing she'd like to say,
early in the morning, straight as she woke up.
It wasn't morning when she woke up-it was evening.
And I don't have muffins. Or even a decent evening meal.
Tahl's been bathed and wrapped in blankets.
I used my entire bacta supply,
she was in such bad shape.
I laid out some new clothes for her.
They don't fit; they'll have to do.
And I don't have anything to drink tonight,
so I'll go to sleep early.
Without talking to her.
000
Thank you
I scraped her up a meal of mostly bread,
which she quickly finished.
Then she slowly nodded.
that was a thank you-a small one, anyways.
When I murmur my own "thank you,"
I just get a look.
000
Distrust
Second day-do you hate me?
Just like you to hate me.
I left without saying anything
just like many days before- but this time,
I didn't come back.
You follow me out of the house
you couldn't trust I'd return,
behind me the whole way
then back again.
I've decided something.
It's so strange we've met like this.
This was supposed to be a life where I hid my Jedi life,
And now I've got a Jedi living with me.
000
Please
"Please." The first word,
a polite word,
flies from your lips.
The scars are long,
it's a deep bloody mess,
but you've seen worse.
I help you change the bandages.
Since you spoke, I'm sure it's you.
Not some ghost.
But Force,
How'd they change you so much?
000
Evil
We've all got some hidden evils, I think
that's why for Jedi, the Dark Side can tempt.
It's why I can't keep away from all those monsters.
The bottles are empty, and forget what I said earlier.
I think what it's like to change.
000
Knows It
"Tonight I'm leaving you, and tomorrow we'll talk."
I get another look, a sadder one.
We're both quiet.
I need to get back to work in the spaceport tomorrow.
That justifies this trip to the cantina, I think.
Everything gets numb. Soon I need more.
She'll know it now for sure, too. I'm a cowardly traitor.
000
Work
At work they know I got a slave girl.
That's what they call her, like she doesn't have a name.
All their talking gets on my nerves, but it's all I have to listen to.
The more they talk, the more worked up I get.
It's so hard to keep quiet.
Don't answer their questions.
I'm their new favorite; they're all trying to know me.
There's Dregs; the mechanic;
Filk and Ord, the repairmen.
It's all I can do to dodge their words,
until they've given up friendship
and are consumed by jealousy.
They won't play friendly this time.
000
Talk
"Better meal this time? Soup," I offer.
She takes it.
"Are you feeling better?"
Nothing.
"Did you get some rest today?"
Nothing, still nothing.
Then a,
"Qui-Gon Jinn, you sithspit, what are you doing?"
000
More talk
The question is fair enough.
"I needed to escape," I tell her. "Just for a little while."
"Why do you need to escape? You were never a slave,"
she condemns.
"I was selfish."
"It's consuming you, I can tell."
Flushing in frustration.
"I'm in control of my actions."
"Whatever you say, Jinn."
000
Nightmare
It's the middle of the night.
Why am I up?
It's got something to do with her.
In the front room, where she sleeps, there's a scream.
000
Comfort
I poured some drink
it coursed down her throat
it burns,
chases away visions,
or nightmares,
or anything else your thought can think up;
I know so well.
I won't get her
good and drunk, though,
so she's still haunted.
I make a shelter
in my arms
and hold her there,
being careful
where the scars are.
What happened,
I wonder.
What happened to the Knight I knew?
I don't want to think about it.
I squeeze my eyes shut
and rock her
as she relives horrors
and I mull over loss.