A/N: I have no personal experience from which to draw in writing Louisa's back story - for which I am eternally grateful. Nor do I know anyone who's gone through anything like that (that I know of, anyway). However, this meant I had to rely on other sources to try to make it 'legitimate' and 'realistic': All Hail the Internet! If you are interested in checking out my sources, I will be listing them on my LJ page (which is my 'homepage' on my ff dot net profile).

I realize that some of you reading this just might have gone through such a personal experience; if so (or even if not, actually), I hope you don't find it presumptuous of me to write this into her life. It was always there, from the very first day her character jumped into my head, many months before I started writing this story, although the details have changed and evolved since then.

Warnings/Spoilers: The Usual.

Disclaimer: The Usual.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:15 a.m.

Tony stood outside Louisa's apartment, debating whether or not to knock. Would his appearance on her doorstep just freak her out even more? Then again, if he didn't knock, it would be a waste of the $40 he'd shelled out for the cab ride. He gave the door a gentle tap.

After a lengthy pause, it opened slowly, revealing his little purple Ewok. With trepidation, Louisa glanced up at him, then quickly averted her eyes.

"Lou."

"Hi," she muttered.

"Ok if I come in?" His voice was soft… gentle.

Louisa had been dreading this. But she'd known it was coming. Already she knew him well enough to figure out he'd want to push for answers. She stepped back, and he crossed the threshold quickly, before she could change her mind. He headed for the couch, thinking she was right behind him; she headed for the kitchen, pulling out a can of cat food from the pantry. Whiskers was doing figure-eights between her legs and meowing annoyingly.

"Lou."

"Yeah."

"C'mere." He gave the seat next to him a gentle pat.

She sighed. Leaving the unopened can on the counter, she made her way hesitantly to the sofa and sat down gingerly beside him. He took her hand.

"What happened, Lou?"

She couldn't look him in the eye. "I'm… I'm sorry, Tony. I just… got a little flustered, is all."

"No… I meant, what happened in New Orleans?"

Her eyes darted up at him in alarm, then quickly returned to her lap. "How do you know about that? What did Pete tell you?"

"Nothing. Pete told me nothing. That's why I'm asking…" His tone was unwavering, always gentle, never harsh. She was shaking. He lifted her chin with his hand, forcing her to keep her eyes focused on his. They began to well up. She squeezed them shut, forcing salty drops to slide down her rosy cheeks. He kissed one away.

That was the tipping point.

She let out a guttural wail, and he quickly threw his arms around her, drawing her head down to his shoulder. The sobs came from some place deep within her. This was unlike any of the tears he'd previously seen her shed; this was pain ripping through her like a knife. He winced as her nails dug into his bad shoulder, but he did not let her see it. She needed to let this out, whatever it was, wherever it came from.

It was a good five minutes before she regained enough control to loosen her grip, and he was certain he'd have bruises to show for it. He waited patiently for her to pull back and look at him once more. There was fear in her eyes; she was terrified of sharing this with him. He kept silent, watching her. Finally, she began to speak, occasionally stopping to sniffle or swallow when her voice cracked.

"I was sixteen…. There was a party… I was drinking." He tried to imagine Louisa intoxicated, and found it impossible. She continued, "… I passed out… when I woke up, I was in the back of this guy's car…" She stopped for a few moments, taking several deep breaths to regain her composure before going on. "…I didn't know where I was… I didn't know who he was… I couldn't remember how I got there…" More deep breaths.

Tony was rubbing her back gently – up and down… up and down… it was comforting, and it gave her the strength to keep talking. "…He was on top of me. My jeans were around my ankles. He was really heavy... might've been a jock from one of the other high schools. I couldn't move… I screamed, I tried to get away, but I couldn't… next thing I knew, he was inside me…" her voice caught, and more tears came. Tony kissed them away, fighting an internal battle to control the anger welling up in him. "… the more I struggled, the harder he pushed… the more turned on he got. I was so naïve, I didn't understand, I thought there must be a way to stop it, but I didn't know how… everything I tried seemed to make it worse, not better… it hurt so much. I had never…it was the first time..." She trailed off.

Tony hugged her gently to his chest, rocking her slowly. He'd encountered more than a few rape victims in his years of law enforcement. He knew it was important to let her finish telling her story, however long it took. And he knew she wasn't finished yet. Nowhere near.

"… When it was over, he just left me there and drove off. I somehow managed to get my clothes back on, and find my way to a pay phone. I called Pete..." The pieces were coming together. So that's how Pete knew what happened to her. "I described a couple of the landmarks where I was, and he recognized the area. He came and got me, took me back to the dorm."

Tony looked at her in surprise. "Why didn't he take you to the police station?"

She bit her lip. "I didn't tell him everything that happened. Not until much later. Years later… all he knew at the time was that I'd gotten drunk, and somehow ended up lost." There was a long pause. "I've never told anyone else. Not until now."

"Not even your Mom?" Tony had pegged Louisa as the type who told her mother everything. He had no idea how wrong he was.

"Especially not my Mom," she retorted emphatically.

Their eyes locked. "Does it feel better, telling someone?"

She shook her head. "Not really… it just brings it all back… It's not you, Tony. I'm not afraid of you… it's just… I get flashbacks, and it's like I'm right there, living it all over again. It's terrifying. I thought maybe, after all these years, it wouldn't happen anymore…" She looked up at him, and made a face. "I'm so sorry, Tony. It must be the biggest turn-off ever."

"What? Finding out your girlfriend was raped?" She grimaced at the word. His jaw clenched. "Not a turn-off. But it brings out all my protective instincts." His fists were tight in frustration. There was absolutely nothing they could do about this now. Although the state of Louisiana did not have a statute of limitations on forcible rape, they had no police report. No rape kit. No DNA. No suspect.

She shuddered. "Even now, talking about it makes me feel like I'll never be clean again."

Tony chuckled, and he ran the back of his hand against her cheek. "Lou… you're pure as the driven snow. I've never known anyone as lily-white as you."

She smiled shyly at him. "I'm kind of a mess, actually."

He smiled, taking her face in his hands. "Maybe…but you're my mess."

She made a face at him, pretending to be highly offended. "If you were smart, you'd walk away right now," she remarked ruefully.

"Well...no one's ever accused me of being smart." He leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips, careful to leave his tongue out of the equation, so as not to startle her again.

"Lou…you've been living with this for half your life. You need to get some help." Her face fell. She was getting nervous again, starting to pull away. He took her hands and squeezed them encouragingly. "Don't worry. We'll get through this together, ok?" She nodded tentatively. "And we'll take it slow, with us. You can set the pace. I won't make any moves until you tell me it's ok. Deal?"

She relaxed visibly and nodded. "Deal," she whispered. He pulled her close again, careful not to appear too forceful. She leaned in to him, nuzzling his neck, and draping her arm carefully around his bad shoulder. He kissed her forehead. Louisa gazed up at him, and he was relieved to note that the terror he'd seen in her face earlier had subsided, and had been replaced with a semblance of trust . She lifted her chin, and their lips met. Sliding his fingers gently through her hair at the back of her head, he leaned into the kiss, ever so slightly, and to his surprise, she responded, sliding her tongue into his mouth.

So, they hadn't regressed completely.

They cuddled for about 10 minutes, and Tony was just starting to doze off, when he felt a thump on his lap. It was Whiskers, demanding dinner. He meowed belligerently, and Tony gave him a scratch under his chin.

Louisa sighed. "You big brute, why can't you be a grazer, like other cats?" She slid off the couch, padding into the kitchen and setting out his turkey dinner on a saucer. "There. Now maybe you'll leave us alone." He ran to the dish and began to devour the meal, licking every inch of the saucer lest he miss a spot.

Tony raised his eyebrows. "Why do you even have a cat, if you're gonna talk mean to him like that?"

"Oh, he knows I'm only teasing. There's never been a more spoiled animal in Penachetti family history." She ran her hand affectionately along the feline's back, all the way up to the tip of his tail.

She returned to the couch, and settled back into Tony's arms. He yawned, and glanced at his watch. 2:23 a.m.

"Stewart's funeral this afternoon," he tossed out, for no reason in particular. "Travis' is tomorrow. It's gonna be a rough couple of days."

Louisa sighed. "I feel responsible for their deaths, in a way."

"Well, don't, Lou. They were doing their jobs. We all take an oath when we first put on that badge. We all know the risks. You just never know when your number's gonna be up."

She shuddered, and hugged him tight. "I don't want to think about that, Tony. It could've been you… it almost was." She turned a fearful glance up at him. "What would I have done if you hadn't pulled through?"

"Well, as I recall, at the time you were pretty pissed at me, so maybe you would've gotten over it more easily than you think."

She sat up abruptly and shoved him away, her hand on his shoulder… his bad shoulder. Tony winced. "Tony DiNozzo, don't you ever say something like that to me again. You hear me?" Her lips were pursed and her face had turned red.

"Lou! It was a joke," he protested.

"A very bad one."

He lowered his eyes. "I'm sorry. That's how I usually deal with it. I wasn't thinking." He still hadn't quite figured out her temper, didn't know all the buttons – he'd accidentally pushed one.

"Does it scare you, Tony?" She was struggling to understand why he would feel the need to joke about the dangers he and his teammates faced on a daily basis. "There's no shame in admitting it, you know."

"I don't get scared."

"Liar. I can hear it in your voice."

"No, honest. It's the training. It's like, you go into this different mode, all your senses get heightened. You're not thinking about yourself. You're focusing on the situation." She was listening to him intently. He could tell she still had doubts. He hesitated. "Well, ok, there was one time…"

They talked on for another hour or so. Louisa went to bed around 4:00 a.m., after settling Tony in the spare bedroom. There was no way she was going to send him back home at this hour, with another $40 cab fare to pay, when she could just as easily drive him home herself in a few hours and cook him breakfast.

She'd taken the rest of the week off; the funerals were scheduled for late afternoon today and tomorrow, and she knew she wouldn't be in any mood to sit poring over foreign code for hours on end, after the emotional wrenching she always felt at such proceedings. Commander Schumacher was being especially accommodating of her lately, taking into consideration all the trauma she'd suffered over the past few days. It almost made up for the formal reprimand that now sat nestled in her personnel file. Almost, but not quite.

2:47 p.m. - Tony's Apartment

"Mmmm, you clean up nice." Louisa looked Tony up and down appreciatively, admiring his perfectly-fitting dark navy suit, contrasted by the crisp white shirt. She moved in to straighten out his tie.

He grinned. "Thanks. Couldn't quite get that Windsor knot right with this shoulder. It's weird, I can do some things just fine, but every now and then, I put my arm in a certain position, and it just kills."

"Well, if you'd take those pills like you're supposed to, maybe that wouldn't happen. Did you think of that?" she admonished.

He shook his head vigorously. "No way. I get stupid on those things, and I'm not about to make a fool of myself in front of my new girlfriend."

She raised an eyebrow. "It's a little late for that, wouldn't you say?"

He gave her a confused look, furrowing his eyebrows. She laughed.

"You don't remember, do you?" He continued to stare at her. "...my itty-bitty Penachetti..." she quoted back to him.

He closed his eyes and grimaced. "I said that out loud? Oh God."

"I thought it was sweet, actually." She stroked his freshly-shaved cheek, admiring his features. Oh my, his face was so smooth, just like a baby's... and that after-shave practically had her swooning. She brought her arms around his neck, and their lips met, spreading gingerly into a long, slow and luscious kiss. Tony put his hands on Louisa's hips, careful not to pull her in too tight, lest he engender a feeling of entrapment in her. The last thing she needed right now was another flashback.

Louisa's tongue flicked delightedly inside Tony's mouth, the minty taste of toothpaste and mouthwash making it tingle ever so slightly. God, he tasted good.

His body was reacting to her closeness, despite his best efforts. Would she flinch when she felt it? He loosened his embrace and ended the kiss, much to her consternation. Now she had him feeling jumpy. He glanced at his watch – 3:00 p.m. "We'd better hit the road, hon, traffic'll be a killer on the John Hanson at this time of day."

A/N: Interesting bit of trivia: The John Hanson Highway, also known as Route 50, was secretly renamed Interstate 595 a few years ago, but to avoid confusion (my theory being that it's because Route 50 extends all the way to California and has similar connotations as Route 66 in American lore), no such signs are posted anywhere along it. Look it up on Wikipedia...fascinating!