I'm the Writing Guy, I write it so you don't have to!
Review replies;
Cartooniac55: That's based on a real-life event, actually. :) Anyway, thanks for reading!
Zim'sMostLoyalServant: Once I edit it out (it's a bit old), I'll put up the whole thing. I'm glad you liked the casting. Thanks for reviewing!
TweenisodeOrange: Yeah, it'd suck being stuck in a mine for that long? :( Yep, miners got no respect back then - over here, they still don't. Thanks for the review!
Movie-Brat: Probably not, I've got a lot of ideas as it is, but we'll see! Thanks very much.
22/10/10 – Top Six Why? Moments in History
Let us face it, people. We've all done stupid things.
What I am about to describe to you goes beyond stupidity. This is a list of the top six dumbest things ever attempted, conceived or done by mankind. These are the worst decisions, the most mind-numbingly awful ideas ever.
…and who better to present it then the Nostalgia Critic himself?
(Well, OK, it's just a fanfic, but you get the point.)
So, I'll hand over to him, and he'll show you the Top Six Most Stupid Things Ever Done. Why top six? Because I'm lazy.
Number Six – Let's Invade Russia!
We cut to the Critic, sitting at his usual desk.
"OK, so I think we all know Napoleon," he explained, "He was short, French and a complete jerk. On top of that, he was a complete warmonger, so you couldn't turn your back on him for five seconds before he took you over! I mean, it was like…"
He swung onto the left of his chair.
"'ey! Lurk oveur zere!" he yelled in an overdone French accent.
He then swung over to the right of his chair.
"Hmm?" he mused, looking the other way.
The Critic swung back.
"Haha, took ovuer your country."
The Critic returned to his normal position.
"So what went wrong?" he continued, "He decided to invade Russia. And what's wrong with that?"
The Critic grinned.
"Well, Russia is huge, it is cold, and it is sparsely populated," he explained, "There aren't many farms, but there are many bitterly cold winters."
The Critic nodded.
"In other words…INVADING RUSSIA IS A F**KING STUPID IDEA!"
"So basically," he continued, calming down, "Napoleon marches into Russia, ends up in the middle of nowhere in the middle of winter, and 580,000 of his soldiers die. Yeah, nice work Napoleon…dumbass."
"Wait a minute!"
Jimmy marched into the room, arms crossed.
"Where'd you come from?" demanded the Critic.
"First of all," snapped Jimmy, "Napoleon was not a dumbass, he was one of the greatest military minds that ever lived! Second of all, that all happened in 1812, and he didn't get beaten until 1814. And then he came back in 1815…"
"Yes, charming," said the Critic, condensing patting Jimmy on the head, "But we're talking about the dumb decisions here, not the smart ones."
He shoved Jimmy off-screen.
"…I still have a point," called Jimmy as he left.
The Critic waved, a smile on his face.
"How precious," he chuckled.
Number Five – We Must Have Rome!
"To be fair, Rome is one of the greatest cities in the world," explained the Critic, "The nexus of western art and culture…and bearbaiting, I guess…it also happened to be occupied by the Nazis in 1944. And everybody hates the Nazis!"
A picture of a German soldier flashed over the screen. The soldier cried a single tear.
"Anyway, in 1944 the Allies managed to get close to Rome, and naturally, the American commander, General Clark, wanted to capture it," continued the Critic, "Instead, his forces were ordered to trap the German Tenth Army and stop them from escaping."
The Critic put on another calm grin.
"So, obviously, Clark does as he was ordered, the tens of thousands of men of the Tenth Army are captured, and hundreds of thousands of lives are saved, right?" he proposed.
He held his grin for a second.
"WRONG!" he thundered.
"He went for Rome," he elaborated, "He moved his entire army to Rome and let the Germans go without a fight! Why? Because he wanted to be in the papers!"
"Meanwhile," he continued, "All the Germans went north and made a defensive line in the mountains north of Rome, and it took all Winter and 40,000 Allied dead to get them out of there. All because this asswipe wanted to get the front page!"
The Critic shook his head.
"Who even reads the papers, anyway?" he lamented.
Number Four – Sacrilegious Bullets
"Back in the 1850s," explained the Critic, "India was ruled by the British East India Company. In case you're wondering, yes, they are the same guys as from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. In those movies, they were d**kweeds, and in real life…"
He paused for a moment.
"…they were d**kweeds," he shrugged.
"So, what brought down this vastly powerful and rich company?" asked the Critic.
He leaned into the screen.
"A Bullet," he announced, dramatically. Lightning.
"A Bullet?" gasped Victor from recycled footage from the Wallace and Gromit movie. Lightning.
"A Bullet." Lightning.
"A Bullet?" Lightning.
Victor turned around and closed the blinds.
"What kind of bullet?"
The Critic stopped showing recycled footage.
"A sacrilegious bullet," replied the Critic, "You see, back then, musket bullets were coated in grease to slide into the gun. Before you slid the bullet in, you had the rip it out of the paper it was held in with your teeth, so you'd end up getting grease in your mouth."
"Most of the soldiers in the Company," continued the Critic, "Were Indian Hindus and Muslims, called sepoys, who couldn't touch anything from cows or pigs."
"So, the Company covered all of their bullets with grease with the fat of…"
The Critic trailed off.
"You know what? I think you already know the answer."
The Critic imitated a sepoy about to bite the paper containing his bullet.
"What did you say you covered this in again?" he asked.
"Cow fat," the Critic shrugged, now imitating a British officer.
Returning to imitate the Indian, the Critic gagged and fell off his chair.
"Long story short," finished the Critic, returning to his normal stance, "The sepoys rebelled, lots of people died and the Brits disbanded the East India Company. All because of ONE F**KING BULL…"
"Lies!"
Professor Farnsworth marched into the room.
"I'll have you know that the Company used only No. 1 Rifle Grease," he snapped, "Covered liberally in harmless arsenic!"
The Critic stared for a moment.
"Are you lost?" he asked at last.
"Why, yes. Yes I am."
Number Three – Fail Times Four Equals FAIL.
"World War One," mused the Critic, "What do we know about that war?"
Several clips were shown of WWI movies, all of which involved masses of soldiers being cut down by machine guns.
"Oh yeah, it's the one nobody liked," nodded the Critic, "In such a war of mind numbing stupidity, what could possibly stand out?"
He thought for a moment.
"I've got one!" he exclaimed at last.
"In 1915, the British landed in Gallipoli in Turkey, and they were nice enough to take some Australians and New Zealanders to join in on the ass-numbingly brainless idiocy," he explained, "To give some perspective, the Allies landed in April and left in December…and they NEVER LOST SIGHT OF THE OCEAN."
"Anyway, during this, someone decided to attack the Turkish at a place called the Nek. The idea was approved, and they spent several hours shelling the Turks before attack."
"The problem was," explained the Critic, "That someone decided to stop the bombardment half-an-hour early, and all the Turkish soldiers got back into their trenches and prepared for the attack. The Australians sent their first wave over…and they got massacred."
"Most World War One generals would stop the attack about now," explained the Critic, "The general in charge of this attack ordered them to try again. FOUR TIMES."
The Critic banged his head on the table.
"The end result was hundreds of people dying over fifty metres of totally useless sand," finished the Critic, "Why? Because someone decided that if at first you don't succeed, try and try again…and if everyone dies in the process, well…too bad."
"Assholes," he mumbled.
Number Two – Stools
"Hey, look, we're bringing up the British again!" noticed the Critic.
"In 1900, the British conquered Ghana because…because they were d**ks, I guess," shrugged the Critic, "In order to stop their people being killed by the British, the leader of the local Ashanti people decided to try and co-exist with them."
"The Ashanti believed in a holy Golden Stool, which they used to crown their kings," explained the Critic, "No-one was allowed to touch or sit on it, not even the king who had to be held just above it. This belief was serious business."
"Naturally, the British governor demanded it be brought to him so that he could sit on it," snapped the Critic.
"To put that in perspective," he elaborated, "That's a bit like peeing on the Holy Bible while punching the Pope in the face and blowing up the Finger of God – you just don't do that."
He thought for a moment.
"Well, except maybe in Assassin's Creed," he shrugged.
"Long story short, the Ashanti rebelled, a war broke out, and three thousand people died."
The Critic paused.
"This happened over a f**king stool!"
The Critic shook his head.
"Oh, and by the way – the British never found the stool," he added.
And the Number One most idiotic discission is…
"Number Six," replied Critic, "Again."
"You'd think people would learn after Napoleon failed," he continued, "I mean, he was a genius and his arm got eaten alive! What kind of idiot would think he could…"
An image of Hitler flashed over the screen.
"Oh yeah, him," deadpanned the Critic.
"Yes, in 1941, Hitler decided to invade Russia," he sighed, "Unlike Napoleon, Hitler was a completely retarded idiot who not only failed – he failed spectacularly."
"Millions and millions of people died," explained the Critic, "It was the deadliest conflict in human history, and it ended with Germany completely destroyed, all because one c**k-sucking, ass-eating, racist, jerk-offing f**kwit wanted to conquer the world."
"Jerk," snapped the Critic.
He gave a grin.
"Well, that was the top six most idiot decisions and events in history," he explained, "Now, before I go and kill E350 for making me do his job, I have to give you the competition word for this week."
"It's 'Wrong'," he announced, "Nice and simple – 'wrong.' That's the last word for the competition, and all entires are due on the thirty-first, so get writing or Clockwork Oracle King will win by default."
The Critic pulled out his gun.
"…now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I have to shoot," he farewelled, "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!"