Oh my god. This is the worst thing I've ever read before in my life.
WARNING: This one gets a little political.
Review replies;
Cartooniac55: Bile fascination, my friend. :D I'm glad you liked it, thanks for reading!
Zim'sMostLoyalServant: You're a troper too? Incidentally, from what I've seen of Spoony's reviews, I'm not touching the sequals with a ten-foot pole. Thanks for reviewing!
TweenisodeOrange: Going to war every weekend is a European tradition, I suppose. Also, I've seen the Kim Possible artwork over there - I agree with you completely! Thanks for the review.
26/10/10 – Squidward Riffs Again
I can't believe I'm stuck doing this again. Well, let's get started with this.
Insane, Alone.
So…we're talking about E350's mental condition and marital status?
When your insane, no one loves you. When your insane, everyone hates you. When your insane, your alone. That is completely wrong. Spongebob is not alone…sadly.
Insane. What did that really mean? Why did they call me that? Why would they lock me up in this place? Crazy. I dont get it. When did this come up? When had this been decided? Why did they stare at me for hours every day and record what I do? What was happening? Insane... insane... insane. This doesn't fill me with confidence.
:1: Insane? You tell me.
It was just a normal day. I was working late at the Krusty Krab for a special event Mr. Krabs had set up (dont ask me what it was, i have no idea) You should. You work there. Thats when it happened. I felt something hit me on the back of the head. Apparently I finally managed to find a fire axe. Screaming in pain, Squidward rushed through the door. I'm screaming in pain? When did that start? "Spongebob!" All I did was lie there, staring at Squidward. Stop that, that's disconcerting. "Squid-" Was all I could make out. Everything went black. There should be a line break here. I woke up in what seemed like a moving vehicle. Obviously one of those van boats. It was a bumpy ride, all the way. Finally we came to a sudden stop. I saw the doors open, to a dark place. If I see any dead pants, I'm outta here. Then a lady stepped out and held out her hand. "Here we are, Mr. Squarepants. step this way" She guided me into the place. Where is he? I hope it's jail. It looked like a hospital. Darn. Where the heak was I? She led me into a room with a bed, desk, lamp, tv, and bathroom. Wow. I never get that when I go to hospital. The floor was white tile with black spots. The walls where the kind you find at schools with the white stuff on them to look like paint. The celing was two long lights and celing tiles. The bathroom door was light and made of wood. Great, you've gone from under-describing to over-describing. She led me into the room, and went out shutting the door. There was water on the floor by the bed. I picked it up and drank it down. You'd think they'd put it on a nightstand or something. I guess I got dehydrated while in the car. I love how they can spell 'dehydrated' but not 'heck'. Thats when I heard a knock at the door. "C-come in!" I said, trying to hide my fear. "Hello! My name is Ashley Williams, and I'm here to kill you, and I'll be your keeper until further notice." She kinda creeped me out, being my keeper and all. Did we mention she was his keeper? She had long, wavy blonde hair, deep blue eyes. She looked to be about 17. She was wearing a white dress, like a nurse's only shorter, and more sundressy. MARY-SUE. ''H-hi. My name is S-Spongebob" She smiled. She had beautiful teeth. They looked like they could glow.MARY SUE. "Well, Hi, Spongebob. Like I said, I'm Ashley and I'll be your keeper (did I mention that yet?) for however long your here." "And where would "here" Be?" "The Bikinni Bottom Insane Assylum. Or B.B.I.A. for short." Yep. They actually call it an Insane Asylum. "Insane?" I thought. Then I heard something buz. "Oh, its dinner time. Would you like something to eat Spongebob?" "Yes, please. But before that, why am I here?" "Because they have diagnosed you as insane. Now come on, silly! Time to eat!" Who is talking? I followed her out the door, curious...
:2: EmilyIs that the character from Thomas the Tank Engine? Because that would be a lot more bearable.
The cafetiria was big, with five long tables. It's Hogwarts for crazies. People of different things wrong with them You mean…crazy people? sat at different tables. I looked at her in confusion. "Okay, I know this is confusing." She pointed to the far right table, near the wall. "That table is for the people who are scuicidal as opposed to suicidal. They dont get to use forks or knives. Last I checked, being suicidal doesn't get you chucked in the loony bin. The one next to it is the one for people who have no sense of anything. Like they dont really have education. THEN SEND THEM TO SCHOOL. The one there is where you'll be sitting. No explanation of what it is for. I'm guessing it's for neurotic people. The next one is for people who think things are other things. Uh…what? The last table is for people who are mentally challenged and have nowhere to go or are in special need. The author would like to point out that as an autistic person, he finds that last sentence utterly offensive. Alright well get your food and sit down!' I did so. I sat at the end, with everyone stairing at me. What, he's not new meat! It's the loony bin, not prison. Finally, after about three minuets or so, a girl with short brown hair and green eyes looked at me. "Hi, Im Relationship Sue Emily. Whats your name?" "Spongebob..." She stuck her hand out. I shook it. She scooted over so she could sit in front of me. "So, your insane too, huh? Lunch?" "Uh, I guess. I dont really think I am, though. I honestly dont know why Im here." I have a good idea. "None of us do at first, buddy. So, how are you crazy?" Why don't you ask me? "I dont know, Emily. One minuet Im working at my job and the next Im in a van. I dont really know whats going on." She looked at me like 'oh you poor thing'. "Well, I have random outbursts and spaz attacks. Crocker in the blood? And I randomly get violent when Im sad." She smiled. "So whats life here like?" "Well, you get three meals and three snacks a day, over 100 tv channels, 24 hour service for if you really need anything or questions-" Wait, you get that? I wanna go to this place. At least there'd be no Spongebob. "Sounds more like a hotel." "Yeah, but theres this thing they do. They- give us lobotomies. It gets better as it goes along." Then the bell rang and dinner was over. "Well, bye!" "Wait! Emily! What do they do?" "Oh you'll see..." And she left. I did the same. What did they do? I became more and more scared with every step I took. I get more and more scared with every word I read, your point?
3: What did they do? They through in the loony bin, next please.
I thought Emily's "what they do to you" wouldn't be too bad. But it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. Yes, there were reruns of As Told by Ginger. They took this pink liquid into a shot, and hokey pokied it into my wrists. Then they charted my every move. When I went to the bathroom, when I blinked, what I did, EVERYTHING. You know, this could be a lot worse. Finally the hour was over and it was time to get some sleep. Thats when ashley walked in. "Hey, Ashley.'' ''Hey Spongebob!'' Well, that was useful. I went into the bathroom to see another door behind my open door. I opened it, to see some pajamas and clothes. My clothes! Apparently they went to my house. Why not? I'd give them the key. I slipped on my pajamas and came back out. I had a feeling that tomarrow would be the worst day here so far. And so it was. ANGST ANGST ANGST.
Well that was a woefully short chapter.
: Disgrace If you sing that song from the Lion King 2, I swear…
I woke up with a thud onto the hard, unforgiving floor. I finally got the chance to go outside. So they released him? Okey dokey then. But when I did, people screaming filled my ears. "YOUR A DISGRACE!" "GO TO-" I couldnt hear that last part, but I had a feeling I didnt want to. Why? Hell isn't that bad a word. I finally got so fed up I ran right through the crowd. I ran to the Krusty Krab first, no one there would accept me! Mr. Krabs nor Squidward. I don't accept you any other day. What's the difference? There was then only one place I knew I could go. Sandy's. Uh, yeah, lets just forget about Patrick. I ran past my Pineapple, down the black paved road. Tears where streaming down my face. Every step I took was like every step of horror. People looking at me in a disgusted way, little kids hiding behind their parents, how does everyone know who he is? Is it front page news? 'Sponge goes to Asylum: Yes, it's a slow news day.' which made me think: What about MY parents? What do THEY think of me? It made me shutter. I finally got to the treedome, and frantically knocked on the door. What happened next surprized me more than anything in the world.
5: The Biggest Surprize. If you're interested, the next few chapters are why E350 thinks this fic is So Bad Its Horrible.
Sandy opened the door and when she saw me, she just looked at me like I was nothing. He is nothing, moving on. "Sandy! I dont know -" but she just slammed the door in my face. "S-Sandy?" "Im sorry Spongebob but I cant have someone like you in my home. Im reallly sorry." Well, that's remarkably intolerant. "sandy I dont even know whats going on! All I want is someone to explain it to me!" Then she let me in. We sat at the picnic table, and she told me all about how all of Bikini Bottom thought I was gay and insane for being so.
So, being gay makes you insane.
Being gay warrants being institutionalised.
No. Just no. That's terrible.
"Sandy, do you believe that?" "Well, I" "You do, dont you!" "Spongebob I-" "NO Sandy! I thought you where my best friend! I thought Patrick was your best friend. I guess I was wrong. I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you! I hate land! Racist. I hate Texas! Regionalist. I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOUR TREEDOME LEAKS OR YOU BE FORCED TO GO HOME!" And I ran out, crying harder. I didnt pay attention to all of the mean people on the streets anymore.
I went back to the assylum feeling sadder than ever. Tomarrow I was being let out again, and I had a plan. I reaaaaally good plan to make Sandy regret believing I was insane. A big smile came to my face. I had the best plan ever. Reading this is hurting me. Please stop.
6: the plan This chapter is four lines long.
I ran over to Patricks rock the next day. He opened the rock and let me inside. More proof he should've gone to him in the first place.
"So you want us to act Gay around Sandy to prove a point? I dont know, Spongebob." "Please Patrick I know it will work!" "*sigh* Oh alright. But I get to use Ol reliable for a month." "Deal." We went over to jellyfish feilds, and there was Sandy for no reason. We started acting gay like any gay couple would, which is exactly like anyone else (with no kissing), and then we walked up to Sandy, holding hands. "IS THIS GAY ENOUGH FOR YA SANDY, HUH? YOU WANT GAY NOW YOU GOT GAY!" I coulds see her get teary eyed, and run off. I kinda felt bad but a little bit proud. Let me guess – this act will be portrayed as villainous.
7: Falling tears.
*Sandy's POV* As I ran home with tears in my eyes, I could feel the betrayal. I could feel the loss inside me. Told you it'd be villianized. I could feel me becoming weak. I ran inside. If he didnt want to treat me well then fine. I grabbed a knife out of the kitchen and put the blade to my wrists. Oh no. All the promises dont come to mind when all your past is left behind. Oh no. The cold blade sliding is all that matters at the moment of truth. Oh no. The moment of me. I cut for hours, burned, hit. OH NO. But no matter what, it still hurt. NO. YOU DIDN'T. His little reverse phycology thing Spongebob did hurt more than the bruses, scars, and now oozing with blood wrists. YOU JUST DIDN'T. What hurt the most, was that I had to admit it. NO. NO. NO. I was in love with Spongebob Squarepants.
WRIST CUTTING IN SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS UNDER THE SEA IS WRONG WITH YOU?
*Spongebob's POV*
I felt actually really bad for being an idiot that mean to Sandy. After all, she did have a right to an opinion. I went over to her treedome to say sorry.
I got really scared when she didnt answer the door. I broke the door down with the karate skills she taught me, and ran all around looking for her. I finally came to the bedroom to see her lieing passed out with a bloody knife. Her wrists were oozing blood. Technically, she'd be dead. I quickly picked up her body and rushed her to the hospital.
I-I can't go on.
This is…I'm gonna need a lot of soufflé to block out this.
Uh…yeah. Goodbye.
In all seriousness, this is the worst fanfic I've ever read, Spandy or no Spandy. As someone with Austism who knows a gay person, I am utterly offended.