Chapter Four: I've Just Seen A Face
Sirius Black whistled as he strolled down the corridors that led to the large courtyard on the Hogwarts grounds. It was the perfect hang out spot, and most students spent their time lounging outside on the grass in groups, enjoying the still slightly warm weather before the cold English winter settled in.
Remus and Peter followed him in silence; the three man front causing a ripple of heads to move in their direction. They seemed to wield a power, even without their supposed ring leader. Alone, they could command attention. Together, they practically owned the place. Everyone watched them with anticipation, curious eyes following their every move. The group of girls sitting on the ledge of the fountain pulled at their hair and bore girlish grins.
Sirius rolled his eyes. Their brainless, sputtering attitudes were rather sickening and he quickly grew bored of the loyal following that were always near and never far behind. It was no fun if there was no chase, Prong's words echoed through the young man's brain. And Prongs was ace at that. He spent all his time and energy doing the chase. But there weren't many girls like Evans around, something he was thankful for. But then again, he envied his own little conquest, someone that presented a challenge the way Evans challenged Prongs.
It would be fun, he thought, to have a plaything like Evans. A girl that wouldn't follow his every word as if it were the word of God. He eyed the girls around him. They were all the same; the same giggling, groupies that were everywhere. Every girlfriend had been the same, along with every flavor of the week. His eyes wandered, pondering over every girl. Some pretended not to care, he'd found those girls who rolled their eyes when he walked by or flashed his picture perfect smile, but even they fell into a stupor when he drew nearer, close enough that he could whisper huskily into their ears. Then they became like the rest.
Something made him stop in his tracks. Sirius stilled like a dog scenting a rabbit. His brown eyes fell over a lone small figure, sitting beneath the shade of a large oak tree. "Perfect." He whispered.
"What's perfect?" Remus asked, furrowing his brows. Sirius glanced at the boy over his shoulder. His trademark grin crossed over his handsome features, alighting it perfectly. It was the face that turned girls into puddles of mush and the face that could only been captured on the cover of a magazine. With perfect ease he replied.
"I think I'm gonna go have a word with Cammolie. Something about that Transfiguration lab."
He started forward ignoring Remus', "But we haven't a lab yet." He picked up speed as he approached the oak tree and the tiny girl sitting beneath it.
"Hey." He said.
When she jumped he settled two hands on her shoulders to steady adding, "Woah, hold it, tiger."
Her stormy gray eyes rose to meet his brown as realization crossed her features.
"Mr. Black." She said. Sirius raised a brow.
"Sirius." He explained. Drusella only nodded in understanding.
"What 'cha got there?" He asked, leering down at her.
"It's a book." He replied deadpanned. Her voice was void of emotion. Sirius examined her, carefully dissecting her plain face, thick eyebrows and lifeless eyes. The snow white hair that framed her face fell into her eyes, the rest, ink black, was pulled into a neat plait.
Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets, ignoring the sense of dread that always came whenever he was around the seemingly lifeless girl. Why hadn't he thought of her before? It should have been the first thing he realized, when he met Drusella.
He played the James card. "What do you say to having lunch with me?" It was more a command than a question, and he studied her eyes carefully for any foreign traces of excitement. None were found. Only her brow raised inquisitively.
"No, thank you." She looked back down at her book. Her rejection didn't scald him, although it was something hardly ever done in his direction. It only fueled the fire and he leaned forward in excitement.
"Whys that?" He asked, almost giddy.
She rose a hand and pointed at a group of Ravenclaw girls that were sitting by the lake. They were staring in the direction of the two.
"They're all eager for you to ask them. I suggest you do. Perhaps then they'll shut up."
Sirius chuckled. For a depressing kid she was pretty funny.
"I doubt it. Might make them brag."
"That would indeed be no better." She ended, her voice still even. But she looked back up at him this time, her eyes locking with his. Then it was there, the slight traces of a smile in the dark abyss. His stomach flipped and the smirk on his face fell.
What the fuck was that? She was still staring up at him, the tiny bit of laughter in her gray eyes gone. He backed away slightly, confused.
"Well, I'll see you later." He mumbled, turning around and walking back to where his friends stood. Remus and Peter had watched him the whole time, too far too listen in.
"What was that all about?" Remus asked, glancing between Sirius and Drusella. Sirius flipped his shaggy bangs from his eyes and shrugged, looking at the girl from over his shoulder. Her attention was once again to the book in her lap.
"Freak."
James frowned as he stared at her closed door. Lily was ignoring him. Again. But this time, her silence seemed fueled by something other than pure distaste. Was she angry? He pondered the idea several times before giving into the irritation the nipped at his head, asking him why he cared. She had been there, listened to the whole thing. He hadn't bothered casting a silencing charm. He'd thought the dorm room was empty. But Lily had been there, listening as Jules Anderson screamed his name, begging him to go faster, harder.
The look in her green eyes startled him. They were full of emotion, glistening. She was crying, he realized only later, after she turned her back to him and practically ran to her bedroom.
Why was Evans crying? He had never thought the idea of him shagging another girl in his bedroom would be something that would make her cry. Maybe retch or infuriate but never cry. A voice inside his head cheered victoriously. The crystal tears in her eyes were a sign of her true feelings. Evans did care about him.
But something inside refused to let it get to him. He couldn't. If she didn't hate him before, she certainly would now. She had locked herself in her room, refusing to answer him even when he banged on her door and informed her that it was time for breakfast.
He sighed exasperatedly and ran a hand roughly through his already mussed up hair. Could he do anything right? If he chased her, she got mad. If he fucked another girl, she got mad. What did she want from him?
Angry, he let her be and stormed out of the dorm and downstairs in search of his mates. Whatever, he thought bitterly, his pace the quick, eager movements that were signs of his irritation. People, who normally stared at him in utter worship jumped out of his way, knowing that rapid motion all too well. Evans had pissed him off, and it was better to stay out of the wake of his anger, if one didn't wish to be hexed into oblivion.
Jules hadn't spoken to him all day, thank Merlin. Most girls thought the previous evening was an invitation to plant themselves permanently on his arm. It annoyed him to no end. That's when the cold, chauvinistic James came out. He'd insult them, belittle them until they ran off sobbing like the little girls they really were. He'd tear his gaze from them, going about his life like nothing had happened. And no one said anything. Why would they? He was James fucking Potter.
He had the presence of a Greek god, striking fear into the hearts of thousands, albeit the reverence of the utmost obsession and praise. It hadn't taken long to reach that point. By second year he was already filling out into the handsome boy he would be later, and people noticed. Girls noticed. He walked with his back straight, his face cool and collected, and he owned the place. It wasn't long before people followed suit, and he-and his three friends-became practically gods to these people. It had once brought him excitement. After all, who didn't delight in popularity? Girls had thrown themselves at him. Guys dared not challenge him. Only a few stupid few chose to speak out against him, but were considerably not worth the effort of caring.
But now it was old. Now it was down right irritating. He agreed with Sirius on this, who practically had to wrench girls off his arm. He didn't care about them, hadn't they realized yet? If they had, they didn't care. It pissed him off that they flocked after him, stupidly, and then cried unnecessarily at their own idiotic choices.
Somehow, Evans had become one of them, must to his dismay. She had always been perfectly stable; never crossing into the uncharted territory that was liking James Potter. He had grown accustomed to that and almost reveled in her stony glares and ground out words. They were what he needed, his perfect explanation as to why he was doing what he was doing. Without it, it all seemed wrong and guilt kicked in.
He didn't want to feel guilty. It was right up there with feeling sad or feeling heartbroken. Feeling angry was the only thing that felt good. He would plaster on the fake, careless smiles. He'd fool everyone into thinking everything was okay. What they didn't know couldn't hurt them and it was none of their damn business anyway.
He'd begun with the cutting. Slow, deliberate slits into his otherwise perfectly unmarred skin. It had been enough then. His eyes would shutter close with painful pleasure and the sickness in his head would be fulfilled. Memories would seep back into the dark caverns of his mind. Then, he needed more. The small blade lay abandoned. In its place were the drugs; their mind numbing sensations enough to cloud reality and wash over him like a wave of relief.
It wasn't as if he was keeping it secret, either. The Marauders knew, of course they would, they were his best friends. He doubted they approved, especially Remus, who he often caught staring at him with reproachful eyes. But in the end it didn't matter. Because in the cool chambers of his head no one gave a flying fuck and everything for once was alright.
The drugs had been enough to forget Evans, for a short while. He'd recessed into his emotional comatose, faking the boy that so many had come to worship. He was a shadow of the man they knew, but were too blind to see the self-destruction going on right before their adoring eyes. It was easy to play them, fuck with their heads like it was some mind game. And just like with luring girls in, he was a master at fooling them all.
He'd fooled everyone into thinking he was okay. Perfectly.
Sirius was sprawled out lazily in the grass and Remus and Peter were beside him, a book in Remus' hands. Sirius sat up when his eyes landed on James' approaching figure.
"Where have you been?" He asked coolly, leaning back on his forearms. James rolled his eyes and fell into the spot between Peter and Remus.
"None of your god damn business, that's where. And what's up with you, chasing after Drusella Cammolie?" He'd been informed of Sirius' antics and read his best friend like an open book. Sirius' cool expression matched his own.
"None of your god damn business." He echoed.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Shut up, both of you. Merlin, I wonder when you two are gonna stop acting like twelve year olds and realize that your mere months away from graduation."
Sirius huffed. "Whatever, Moony. I personally can't wait to get out of this place. Better out there killing Death Eaters than locked in here for another year being absolutely helpless."
James silently agreed. As much as he loved Hogwarts, the tall restraining walls kept him from quenching the thirst for revenged that boiled within him. He would miss the hallowed halls for sure, but only after Hornsby begged for mercy beneath him.
Remus glanced worriedly at his best mate. Just like Sirius, and Peter as well, Remus had watched the darkness take its toll on the young man. Day by day it grew worse until soon he was either furious or empty. He didn't know what was worse, the destroyed boy or the feigned happiness. Both made him sick to his stomach.
The silence grew between the four boys; a welcomed sound that hovered, briefly as the simultaneous desire for it coaxed all their minds. It was these moments that they treasured the most, when words weren't needed and they coexisted in a state of silent agreement. One thing on their mind-the future. Maybe the present. The papers were littered with lists of names of the departed. Not departed. The murdered. Names they new, names that showed no familiarity. There were names that stopped their hearts and names that made them sigh in relief.
None of them struck so close to home as the Potter's. The death of James' family had been enough to bring the four closer together, if it were possible. It was the deciding factor on their occupation after Hogwarts. Sometimes, it was the factor that made dropping out and getting revenge quickly sound perfectly reasonable.
Sirius stole a glance at James, whose cross features he'd grown accustomed to. His brows were scrunched together tightly, hazel eyes aflame with fury and frustration. The look that matched the walk and the walk that matched the irritation.
Damn that Evans, Sirius thought, his own fury threatening to break his perfect composure. James was his brother, the only person in the world that he felt he could tell everything and anything to. The only person he could tear down his walls around and allow himself to crash and burn. He'd never seen anyone wield the power that Evans had. She'd turn the strong, courageous friend that he loved into a weak, drug addicted shell of a man, full of hate and disgust with his own self. James hadn't grown to loathe her. He'd grown to loathe himself, a feat that filled Sirius with white hot anger.
He remembered that evening, the first full day back at Hogwarts. They had been eating dinner when she came thundering up to them, disdain present on her normally pleasant features. "Where's Potter?" She'd asked, as if she were asking "Where's Lord Voldemort?"
Remus, who always held the calmest composure around the fiery red head, answered flatly, "No idea."
She had rolled her eyes and jutted out her hip. "I highly doubt that. We have a meeting with Dumbledore in less than five minutes! Where is he?" She asked again, sounding very much like a Prefect. Or maybe the Head Girl.
Sirius had snorted in to his chicken soup. "Didn't you hear, Remus? We don't know." And he glared coolly at her, not bothering to hide his disdain for her. She sighed exasperatedly and rubbed the bridge of her nose, growing tired of their infantile behavior.
"Fine, not going to tell me? Whatever. Its just like him anyway, running away from responsibility."
She had been walking away when he said it. Cold words directed at her retreating frame.
"You don't know everything you think you know, Evans."
He'd been the one to say it, despising her snooty tone and fed up with the cruel way she referred to his best mate. Remus and Peter hadn't said anything, ignoring both his snarl and her look of confusion.
Peter's voice brought him back to the present. The sandy haired boy was pointing in the direction of the Astronomy tower. The haunched figure of Severus Snape came into the clearing, his long black cape billowing behind him.
"Snivellus." The word dropped from James' lips and like a secret code, the four boys sat up straight, staring at the figure. Excitement swept through Sirius. This was it, the moment that James acted like James and they went back to being the Marauders, with no care in the world.
He wasn't far from them, practically a few feet away give or take. They were on their feet immediately, even Remus, who put down his book and followed from behind, watching with his own eagerness.
"Well well well...if it isn't Snivellus." Sirius said, his eyes alight with pleasure. The inky haired boy stopped and turned slowly, dread apparent on his greasy face. He turned around, and found himself surrounded by the four boys he detested most.
"Sod off." Came his cool reply. Sirius and James howled with laughter.
"Gotten brave, eh, Snivellus." James asked, leering at the boy. Snape glared at James, hatred burning through his dark eyes.
"What part of fuck off don't you understand, Potter?" His glare deepened. "Or are you just as stupid as your dear old mum and dad?"
James stepped to him, his wand out and ready to attack. A smirk crossed over Snape's face, his own wand ready in his hand.
"You're pathetic, you know that, Potter? Shriveling up into this disgusting little prune after dear ol' mummy and daddy get themselves killed? And turning into a bubbling mess after Evans refuses you. Seriously, have you no dignity? She's a mudblood, and there you are, disgracing the pure-blood race by being wrapped around her little-"
Crunch. Snape staggered back, clutching his nose. Blood poured profusely from between his fingers and he glowered at James, all the hatred back in his eyes.
"How many times do I need to tell you?" James roared. "Do not ever call her that word!"
"Stupid little mudblood lover." Snape sneered and it took Sirius and Remus and Peter all holding James back from launching himself at the greasy git.
Remus glared at Snape. "I suggest you get going, Snivellus." He warned, hatred apparent in his own usually kind brown eyes. "Or you'll have more than a broken nose to whine about."
The pain in his nose had become too much, and Snape shot one last long glare at the four boys before trotting off toward the Hospital Wing.
"Stupid little fuck." Remus muttered, turning his attention back to the fuming James Potter. Students nearby had witnessed the scene. It would only be a matter of minutes before Lily found out about this, knowing the loud mouthed grape vine that was the Hogwarts population.
Being the ring leader for now, as Sirius and Peter were preoccupied with calming the angry dark haired boy, Remus waved at the staring bunch, inching nearer to the four.
"Oi, show's over. Get lost."
They complied, crumbling under the irresistible power each Marauder held.
"Chill out, Prongs." Sirius was saying, shoving his best mate to the floor. "He's just trying to goat you."
"Yeah? Well, it works every time." James growled. Peter sighed and squatted beside him.
"Just ignore him. He's a stupid little git anyway that no one really likes."
"I'll bet he's president of Voldemort's fan club." Sirius offered, a small smile on his handsome face.
"Probably got posters all over his dorm of him. I'll bet he's even got L.V. And S.S. Scribbled in little hearts all over his books." Peter added.
Even Remus laughed at this.
"Yeah, well he deserved that punch. More than that, too. What I wouldn't give to beat the living shit outta that little fuck rag."
"My my, such an explicit tongue we have, Potter." James looked up in alarm at Lily Evans' green glaring eyes.
"Great." Remus muttered, rolling his eyes.
James was on his feet again. So, she'd finally come out of her room. Her eyes weren't red and puffy as he assumed they would be. Maybe she hadn't been crying, but he was so sure he'd seen the tears in her eyes...
"We need to talk," she was saying. Her hands were on her hips, her hip jutted out in her usual bossy fashion.
"Maybe I don't feel like talking." He counted, messing his dark hair. She faltered for a second, unsure of how to deal with that answer. The glare was back in her eyes seconds later.
"You don't have a choice. I want to know why you missed our first important meeting with Dumbledore."
James sighed inwardly. Of course she'd be pissed about that. He'd completely forgotten about the meeting until that morning, when he kicked himself mentally. The question never left her eyes.
He shrugged carelessly. "I had better things to do, if you don't recall." The reminder brought a blush to her face and her cheeks burned.
She sputtered. "That-that was no excuse!"
James smirked. "Seemed like a wonderful excuse, if you ask me. Or you could just ask Anderson, I'm sure she could verify."
"You disgusting pig." Lily cried, and there it was again, the tall tale signs of tears in her green eyes. She was marching off again and he watched as she came to an abrupt stop, turning slowly to face him and the three other Marauders.
"The pills." She said.
"What?" James asked, feeling dread slowly rise within him.
"The pills." Lily repeated slowly, as if she were speaking to a four year old. "Why are you taking painkillers? In some kind of indescribable pain, Potter?"
Remus stood, alerted. Lily had just entered dangerous territory. Definite uncharted territory. A place she probably hand no business.
"What are you talking about?" He asked coolly, shrugging off her inquisitive eyes. Lily raised her brows.
"Oh? Then you mean to tell me they're not for health reasons? Maybe therapeutic uses?"
By now James was trying very hard not to panic. How did she know? Had something tipped her off? The dilation of his hazel eyes that night? The drug induced stupor of his character?
"Shut it, Evans. You don't know what you're talking about." Sirius growled, his fist balling up tightly.
She shifted her attention to Sirius. "You keep saying that, Black. That I don't know. Well, why don't you inform me, then? Tell me what I'm so stupidly overlooking."
"Go to hell, Evans." James retorted, his hands in fists at his side. He was desperately trying to calm his self, aware of the watchful eyes that had once again, surrounded the group.
"No, thanks. Now come on, tell me." She jabbed, enjoying the sight of him squirming beneath her gaze. "Does James Potter have a problem? What, something your mummy and daddy can't buy?"
Remus had to jump between them. He raised his hand up to James and said in a soft, even voice, "Calm down, mate. Don't do something you'll regret." James tore his glare from the red head, whose eyes had widened in shock when he began to fly at her. He gave her one disgusted look before rushing toward the castle, pushing through the throng of people that appeared around them.
Remus sighed and looked around, irritation evident in his voice. "What part of shows over, don't you people get?"
When the crowd thinned out again, he turned to Lily who was staring pointedly at the ground.
Sirius had taken off after James. Peter lingered back, eying Lily wairly.
"You really don't know, Evans." Remus said tiredly. Lily glared up at him.
"What? What don't I fucking know?" She asked.
Remus looked sideway at Peter who frowned. "His parents died this summer. Under the Cruciatus curse."
Lily's face turned startled. "I-I didn't know..."
Remus sighed. "I figured. He's really beating himself up about it, too. They were really close."
Lily looked down at her hands. She knew there had been something about him. Something that shone deep in his eyes.
And she was off, running fast as her legs could carry her. Sirius was standing at the portrait, flirting with the black haired witch, coaxing her to let him in.
"Sorry dear, but rules are rules." The bubbling beaut said with a giggle. Sirius glared at her when she fell by his side.
"Come back for more, Evans? Haven't you done enough damage already?" He spat. Lily flinched.
"I need to talk to him."
"No, you need to open this goddamn door so I can go repair what you've done. What you always manage to do."
Lily frowned. "No, now go away. That's an order."
Sirius howled with laughter. "An order? Evans, I don't give a rat's ass what that little badge of yours stands for. You're nothing but a self centered bitch who knows nothing about anything. Now get lost before I have to hex you."
"Try it. James will never forgive you." She challenged, crossing her arms.
Sirius opened his mouth to retort but quickly countered back. "What'd you just call him?"
Lily blinked. "Potter."
"No, you just called him James."
Blush crept up her face. "No, I did not. And anyway, what does it matter? You need to head back to your own dorm room."
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and stared at her in bewilderment. "You just called him James." He repeated. A flash of realization crossed his face and he stumbled backward down the corridor.
"You know you're just gonna break his heart." He said.
Lily was growing tired of his cryptic talk. "I'm not going to break his heart." She stated matter of factly.
Sirius paused and nodded. "Yeah, you can't break what's already broken." He gave her a two finger salute and left her alone in the corridor.
The witch in the portrait had watched Lily and Sirius' heated discussion in bemusement, and flashed a smug smile at Lily's blushing face.
"Oh shut it." Lily countered before snapping, "Dragon Wing" and practically prying the portrait open.
The common room was empty, moonlight pouring in and Lily felt an uncontrollable sense of deja vu pass over her; the soft pale light unconsciously reminding her of the previous night; his state of undress, his messy, sex tousled hair.
She heard noise from behind the wooden door with the name James Potter carved into solid metal. She hesitated for a second, reaching for his door. Her hand closed around the knob and she turned, her body in a trance like state as she hear the noise rise in volume from behind the door.
She shouldn't have done this. It wasn't like her...but right now, at the moon shone down on her, and Remus' and Sirius' words echoed in her head, all feelings of disdain and hate seem futile and infantile and perfectly unreasonable. Because behind this door wasn't the arrogant git that she had grown to hate with every fiber of her being. Behind it was the boy whose parents had been killed that summer. The boy who had the responsibility to take over the Potter estate. A seventeen year old boy who was thrust into a very adult world.
The Potters were Ministry Officials. Big shots. He had a lot to live up to, and had to face more questions then Lily supposed he wished to answer. Behind this door was the boy who was on the fast road to self-destruction. She had seen it apparent in his dead hazel eyes. Had seen it in the hateful way he'd look at her sometimes. The James she knew never stole those hate filled glances. He would stare at her with a fever in his eyes that secretly did what it did to every other girl in Hogwarts. Turn her insides to jelly.
She rethought intruding. He probably wanted nothing to do with her. Not now. Not after hitting so below the belt. It wasn't like her to be that nasty. What was it about James that made her behave so awful?
But it was too late to turn back. Her quivering hand had turned the brass knob around fully, and the door pulled open to reveal James Potter sitting on his lavish bed. The first thing she notice was the redness in his eyes. He had been crying. Lily's eyes widened in shock. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever imagine she'd see James Potter cry. Next she noticed his red and battered hands. He'd been hitting stuff. A large indent in the wall sufficed her thought.
He didn't demand that she leave like she expected. He sat and stared back at her with crushed hazel eyes clouded with threatening tears. And sitting there, a face contorted in pain, she saw something beautiful. For once, James Potter look real. He wasn't some sodding idiot, some pathetic joke. He was real, with real feeling and real pain.
And then it happened. Like a flash of lightening. He stared incredulously wide eyed as she pressed her lips against his and her hand cradled his face. The kiss came out of nowhere. Her eyes were squeezed shut, as though she was trying to pour every drop of emotion she could into the tender movement.