Yay! I'm back. You know the drill. I don't own anything..........isn't it kind of sad? I wish I owned Harry Potter............or the Marauders......I really do. Anywhoo, remember me asking about the Wiskey Lullaby song? Well I can't get it out of my head so....if I write something about it over throughout the story, don't blame me! I'm stuck...........
More Then That
"Er-we got in a fight.....I kind of got rough I guess.....yelled at her alot. I guess I over reacted. She was in my room and I realy didn't want guests at that moment so......It's nothing. Realy." James said in one breath. He knew that wasn't true. He seriously had screwed things up. It wasn't 'nothing'. First off, he had broke his promise. Something he NEVER wanted to do. Then he hurt himself, hurting Lily with him. Then he rounded on her and snapped. Got her scared. Another thing he hated to do. The pain beconed him once again. Blood thriving for the pain.
"Hey-I'm tired. I'll see you all in the morning. Big day tommarrow. OWLs." James said standing up and yawning. Remus nodded and stood up too.
"Full Moon tomarrow. Better get some sleep so I'm not tired Friday." They said goodnight and headed toward their seperate dorms.
James swung open the door to his room and made sure Lily was out of sight. He noticed her taking a walk with Marron Kute outside. He'd have the intire dorm to himself. Just for precautions, he locked the door to his room and shut the window and closed the blinds. He didn't want anyone to barge in on him doing whaat he was about to do.
James held the knife close to him, seering at the beautiful silver. Mezmerized by how intelligent an inanimate object could look. Bringing it close to him he let it lightly run against his skin. Tearing his flesh. Loosening the blood. He lifted it up upburtly and brought his arm to his mouth, sucking on the blood, enjoying the taste of throwing his pain away. He realized that the taste of the blood would remind him never to hurt anyone again.
He brought the blade down again. Slicing the skin, inches away from his first one. At times he thought that using magic to hide his scars was a smart idea, but realized that the cuts reminded him of all the terrible things he had done, and warned him not to do it again. So the cuts were like a reminder.He winced when the blade ran over an old ct. One of his deepest.
He cut himself two more times. One for each stupid stunt he pulled. Wiping the exas blood off on a napkin, James shoved the knife in a deep corner in his dresser. 'Good.' he thought. 'I feel alot better.' But seconds later, when he lied down onto his bed, his breathing became rapid and hard.
He wanted to sleep away the pain. But his insomnia didn't allow that. Finding that it was just stupid, that life wasn't worth living, James wondered why he even bothered in the first place. Why did he bother living a life he didn't want. He knew he wanted Lily, he needed her. And he hurt her. And that that was the worse thing he could ever do. He had great friends. Friends that knew what they wanted. Their lives. Their futures. Their loves. James knew that all this was too good to be true.
James Potter wasn't breathing. (Well literally he is but not mentally.....oh, you know what i mean!) He wasn't living this life, was he? This surely wasn't who he was. he wasn't one who took disturnbing, yet drastic, actions in the art of hurting himself and others. Too sensitive. Too intune. Too inlove with Lily, that it seemed as if nothing in the world was aware of his true self.
And James just lied there. Just lied there without knowing what was to come. He had talked to Drusella Cammolie about insomnia and she gave him a pill that helped you sleep ovver it, but didn't get rid of it. And it always didn't work. But he was thhankful for it because he needed to sleep this off. He needed to go back into the real reality. In his dreams. He wondered, how are we sure that when we dream, that's reality and when we sleep, we are realy dreaming?
And with thay thought lingering in his head, he took the pill and fell fast asleep. Not bothering to unlock the door..........
Sirius sat in silence. The Great Hall was nearly empty. Peter had left a few munites ago and he told him he'd meet him and Remus there later. Besides the lovable dog-boy, there were about seven people at the Ravenclaw table and three HufflePuffs. Zsuza Addams was the only Slytherin at her table and there was one other Gryffindor that was a first year, who was taking her time, eating as slowly as possible.
The boys attention shifted from the vast amount of mess covering the tables, to a certain raven haired girl sitting a table away from him, reading what seemed to be a very interesting book. His brown eyes stared at her as if she were the most interesting thing in the world. Tracing every move she made, from her grey eyes dancing on the page-to her chest rising and falling as she breathed.
Sirius remembered the deal they had made yesterday, and grinned at the thought of having Drusella Cammolie-the object of his affection-kissing him infront of every Ravenclaw and Gryffindor at their next game.
After some careful thinking, he swallowed his nervousness and worked up the courage to finaly go up and talk to her. Odly enough, as he steped toward the Ravenclaw table, every student at her table looked up at him, excluding her.
"Hey, um-Drusella. Can I have a word with you?" Sirius asked, when she finaly looked up at him and smiled weakly. A shrill giggle shot out from a few of her female housemates, but Drusella did not, and she nodded, stood up and calmly followed Sirius out of the Great Hall with her book still clutched in her hand.
They stoped at an empty corridor, a few feet away from the doors of the Great Hall, and his gaze shifted over her face once again. The look on her face was the complete opposite of his. Instead of grinning nervously and blushing she had a look of appease. Her grey eyes staring back into his brown ones.
He began to get lost into them, as if they were bottomless pools of grey. Her intriguing and exotic voice filled his ears and broke him from his fantasy.
"You wanted to tell me something?" He shook awake and smiled shyly up at his new found friend.
"Oh! Yeah....I wanted to know if the deal was still on. You know. I wanna go out with you and all." A slight wave of pink flushed over her face and she looked a bit taken aback at first. Sirius was relieved to see her smile seconds later.
"If your asking me out then I guess the answers yes." Sirius grinned his usual haughty boy grin. His eyebrows raised and he put a hand on her shoulder. Pushing her to him, he put one hand around to the small of her back, and the other still rested on her shoulder.
He looked into her eyes once again, this time a lustful stare in them. He held her close, as if they were deep, true lovers and leaned in so the side of his head rested on her shoulder. She was quite short so he had to bend a bit.
"Mind if I have a kiss before the game?" he questioned huskily into her ear. Drusella blushed lightly and nodded. Sirius closed his eyes and awaited a deep kiss, but was replaced with a small kiss on the cheek.
Dru steped back and grinned widely.
"I gotta go. See you later, Mr.Black." She turned and left a very suprised and upset Sirius. He groaned and hit his head against the wall and cried out in frustration.
"I love you James." Lily whispered to herself. She imagined his warm body next to hers. His body heat warming hers. She missed his tuch. She missed his sensitve words that burned her ears when he'd lean down and whisper hungerily into her ear.
But she was mad at him! She was furious. How dare he brake their promise. How dare he! Couldn't he have atleast TOLD her he wasn't feeling right. She could have prevented this again. But, gussingly, her constant thrive for a perfect relationship probobly provoked this whole issue.
She had stepped in her room munites ago, wondering why she got so angry at him. She thought she knew him by now. After being absolutly infactuated with him for the past few months, she thought she could read him like a book. But she couldn't. She didn't see why he was still suffering. He had all he wanted, like he said, didn't he? What more could she give him. She gave him her soul. Her love. Her undying affection. And then it hit her-like a thousand bricks.
Trust.
She never had realy trusted him. She always imagined he'd betray her one way or another. It was so cruel. He TURELY gave her his all. He gave her his heart, his soul, his mind, his honor-his trust. She wondered, for the first time, if he felt like he was betraying her when he hurt himself. She had to talk to him. Comfort him. She had to tell him she trusted him. Because now she did. Now she understood how he felt.....
The door to her dorm opened and Lily spun around and smiled weakly. 'Perfect timing, James. It's like you read my mind.'
James' hair was messier then usual. His baggy black shirt wasn't longsleave. Just like an ordinary shirt. He wore baggy jeans, unlike anything Lily owned. His glasses were off, and his eyes looked as if they were always staring deeper then what Lily could see. So gorgoues...so intoxicating.....so surreal......................
" Lily.....I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I can't avoid it!" he said. She looked into his hazel eyes, they seemed to fill with water. She smiled and brought her hands out to him as he cradled in her arms. They sat on her bed, Lily's legs swinging off the edge, James siting completely on the bed with his head in her lap.
Lily stroke his hair and humed him a song with no name. And it was beautiful. The most amazing sight you could ever see.
" I trust you, James. I sware I do. And I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all." her voice was so soothing. James just fell asleep to it.
I yell
When I'm feeling insacure
And I want you out that door
It's not just what I say
It's what I mean
And scream
When I can't believe it's true
all of the stupid things you do
I hurt you more then you hurt me
-Exert from "When You let Me Breathe" by my band 'Messers Of Nanashi.
Hey, I did chapter 7! This was angsty....the cutting scene-but I realy want chapter eight to be angsty. Cause I have further plans for it. I decided to use some of my songs from my band in this fic so-I hope you like them. Anywhoo, more James/Lily romance. Some more Remus/Sapphira and Peter/Andrea stuff. I think you know where Dru/Sirius' relationship is going. (Oh, yeah, Drusella is from my manga. I havn't made up a good name yet. It's about this girl, Arisu who accidently opens this dimension while doing a saonce and realicing things from that dimension as they start to murge. Dru is a depressed wolf-girl from that dimension who eventually gets with the bi-sexual eangsty wolf-boy from her diemension.) Any hoopers,I got to go. I like this chapter. Untill next time, C U later Aligator!!!!!!!