Fact 1: Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling
Fact 2: I am not her.
Conclusion: It isn't mine.
A/N: I know, I know... its been forever and a day. I really am sorry and I know its frustrating because to start reading a story and then the author takes so long to update that you forget what happened. I know. I don't know if it makes any difference to know why its been so long... but I'll tell you, just in case. I don't have a whole lot of time to write as it is, and then last week a got the stomach flu and was really sick for several days. And now I have a sinus infection. I've been doing a practicum in an Elementary school and I've been sick pretty much the whole time. Anyway, I know it all just sounds like excuses but I am sorry.
Oh yeh, one more thing and then I'll shut up. When I started writing this, I got a chapter almost completely done and then decided the placement was off and wrote this chapter to go before it. So, the good news is that the next chapter is almost completely done. See, I'm not all bad :)
The funny thing about putting something on a timeline is that you can't always figure something out when you want to, or need to. I did eventually go to sleep that night, but I woke up just as confused as I had been. And that's how it went for three days. Each night I would tell myself "This is it. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and know what to do."
And on the fourth morning, it happened. I woke up with a strange sense of clarity. All of the reasons I had for not wanting anyone to know about my relationship with Draco were starting to become more and more feeble. Harry and Ron had all but eliminated my worry about losing my friends. With each day that passed without them speaking to me, I had continued to feel more hurt and more betrayed. Now, those feelings had changed and I just felt angry. If they didn't care about our friendship, why should I? If they were already treating me as if I had chosen Draco over them, what was stopping me from doing just that?
Even my fears about Draco's dad finding out about our relationship were starting to fade. Draco said it wouldn't be a big deal, and for some reason I believed him. Probably because I knew he ultimately had more to lose, at least in that aspect of the situation, than I did. His father would be much less forgiving of his only son becoming a blood-traitor than he would be of the mudblood who 'seduced' him. So, if Draco said we would be okay, I was willing to take that at face value.
At this point, my only concern was if this was really something strong enough to make it worth fighting for. I knew that in my mind, and in my heart it is worth it. But, it had to go both ways and I had no way of knowing if Draco was really in it or if this was just something fun for him to do. Was I just a conquest for him? An unexpected notch in his bedpost? I had to be sure before I allowed myself to become totally emerged in my feelings for him. But I knew that asking him wasn't going to be easy….
I opted to take a long shower and skip breakfast, mainly because I was trying to get my thoughts in order and think logically and I knew seeing Draco would make that more difficult. If I played my cards right, I would be able to get through the whole day without seeing him. Most days, I tried to work out my paths around the castle so that I could brush past him in the hallways, or even catch a glimpse of him turning a corner.
I had become pathetic. I knew that, I excepted it, and moved on.
But avoiding Draco was a double edged sword. On one hand, going through a full day thinking logical thoughts and looking at the situation with a clear head would give me the opportunity to think about what I wanted to say to him and how to ask the question I had to ask. On the other hand, it was possible that I would be so happy when I did see him that I would completely lose my head.
I walked into my first class a good ten minutes before anyone else came in. I made my way to my regular seat. For some reason, I hadn't bothered to move away from sitting near Harry and Ron even though we were no longer speaking. It seemed less awkward to sit there than to move. Besides, it wouldn't be much better sitting next to anyone else. Once they had realized I wasn't going to have an all-out gossip session about my friendship with Draco, people lost all interest in talking to me at all. I wasn't sure if it was because I had spent so long not talking to them and making myself all but invisible or because they, like Harry and Ron, felt betrayed. I had a feeling it was a combination of the two. Even I could see how odd it looked that the one person I seemed to be talking to was a Slytherin, and not just any Slytherin but the one they all seemed to hate the most.
My classmates started to trickle in, taking their seats and chatting loudly until Professor McGonagall came in, silencing them.
"Did any of you leave a notebook in here last week?" She asked, scanning the room for any sign of affirmation.
"No? I'm pretty sure it was left during our last class period. It appears to have some notes in it, but no name." She said as she reached into her desk and held up the green notebook for all of us to see.
I looked around, expecting someone to recognize it, but everyone was shaking their heads.
"Is it not yours Hermione?" Lavender asked, turning around to look at me
I raised my eyebrows at her and said "No" with more attitude than the situation warranted, but something in the tone of her voice made me feel defensive.
She smirked at me and said "Oh, I just figured…. Green is your favorite color, after all."
Everyone snickered, a few people muttered under their breath, Professor McGonagall looked confused, and I…. felt the sudden urge to slap Lavender Brown right across her smug little face.
Professor McGonagall quickly got the class back in order, put the offending green notebook back in her desk, and carried on with class. I wondered if everyone had a problem with Draco and I being friends, or if it was just Lavender. Briefly, I considered the fact that she might just be jealous. Instinctively, I tried to dismiss the thought, but it wouldn't be silenced. She had always had a bit of a crush on him…maybe she was onto the fact that there was something beyond friendship going on and she wished it was her instead of me.
The thought made me smile. The jealousy of my female classmates was an aspect of telling the truth that I hadn't considered yet, and I surprised myself by liking the idea. Little brainy Hermione, bagging one of the hottest guys in school when everyone had always ignorantly assumed I would end up with Ronald Weasley? The image of Pansy Parkinson's face, twisted up in fury and disbelief ran through my mind and I grinned broadly. I had known telling the truth would make me feel better, and I hoped that it would make me feel less stressed, but I hadn't counted on it being fun…..
I managed to make it through the day without seeing Draco, until lunch. Somehow lunch hadn't factored into my calculations, but my growling stomach let me know that skipping a second meal was completely out of the question. I smiled at him once as I made my way to the table and then sat with my back to him. As I ate, I went through my thoughts…. Ticking things off one by one.
I was ready to let people know that Draco and I were dating. I had calculated the risks, weighed them against the rewards and decided that it was what I wanted. But, I still needed to know that he was serious about this and not just killing time or trying to prove something to himself.
Those were the things I knew. I also knew that if I asked him that flat out, his temper would flare up and we would end up in a shouting match. He may not have been exactly the same Draco Malfoy I had known for years, but he wasn't completely different either. He was still arrogant and hot tempered, and I wasn't immune to that. Occasionally I pushed one of his buttons, and his short fuse would clash with my stubborn streak, and off we would go….
The way I phrased my concerns was going to be crucial. I looked around me and wished that there was someone I could ask for advice. Ginny was sitting just a few seats down on the other side of the table. Our last conversation on this topic hadn't gone well…. But it hadn't gone terribly either. At least we had both come out of it unscathed. I considered it for a minute, and decided I didn't have anything to lose. I quickly shoveled a few more bites into my mouth, and made my move.
"Hey Ginny" I said casually, leaning across the table slightly. Several heads turned in my direction and Ginny's eyebrows shot up.
She didn't say anything but she inclined her head, so I continued.
"Could I talk to you? It will just take a second."
She twisted her mouth and seemed to be considering it. I wondered if she was weighing the pros and cons like I had before deciding to speak to her. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted to talk to her until I found myself mentally begging her to come up with more pros than cons.
Finally, she looked at me and shrugged.
"Fine" She said, apathetically "I was done eating anyway"
We walked out of the Great Hall without saying a word to each other, and I wasn't unaware of all the eyes that followed us every step we made. I couldn't imagine that there was anyone actually eating at Gryffindor table. We stepped through the large, heavy doors, me just a few steps ahead of Ginny. I stopped just outside the doors and turned to face her.
I smiled at her hesitantly, suddenly rethinking this decision. It had made sense a few minutes ago…. But now I wasn't so sure. She didn't look very happy.
"Look, Ginny, I don't like this." I decided to just open with the truth "I should have said something sooner, before it got so out of control but I really miss being your friend."
Her angry exterior cracked and for a second I got a glimpse of the old Ginny, my Ginny, the Ginny I was hoping to see.
And then it was gone and the apathetic smirk was back.
"You made the choice, Hermione, not me." She said, no emotion in her voice.
"But that's just it, Ginny, I didn't make a choice. Well, not the choice you are saying I made. I made the choice to make a new friend, not to get rid of all my old ones. You and Harry and Ron meant so much to me… you still do. I just don't understand why you can't accept my right to make the choices in my life and not take it as a personal insult. I never meant to hurt any of you. You have to believe that." My voice came out sounding more pleading than I had intended, but as far as I could tell, I needed all the help I could get. Maybe she would feel bad for me if she thought I was begging.
Her shoulder fell slightly, and she looked torn. I could tell she was going back and forth in her mind, so I tried one last plea.
"Please, Ginny, I need at least one of my friends back…. I need you." I bit my lip, and waited.
Her mouth twisted up and she looked at me for a second, taking in the expression on my face. And then she smiled.
"Fine. But I want all the details. Its one of the perks of being your best friend." She said, grinning at me." She said, raising one eyebrow at me, as if she was daring me to turn down her one stipulation.
I smiled back at her and said "Sure, Ginny, you can have the dirt. Meet me after class?"
The rest of the day drug by. I hadn't allowed myself to think about how much I wanted to talk to Ginny until I was sure that she would agree to it, but now that had, I was positively giddy. As much as I had been enjoying my time with Draco, there is only so much conversation about quidditch and Slytherins a girl can take.
When the last class of the day finally ended, I grabbed my books up quickly and made my way up to Gryffindor tower. I went into my bedroom, took my robes off, and laid down on my bed to wait for Ginny. I had gone back and forth all day over how much of the truth to tell her. Should I tell her Draco and I were considering dating… just to see how she reacted? Or just go ahead and get it over with- tell her we were a couple and let the chips fall where they may?
I was still weighing the pros and cons of each option when there was a knock at my door. "Guess I'll just have to wing it" I thought as I sat up.
"Come in" I said cheerfully, and my stomach turned with nerves.
Ginny walked through the door and grinned at me. She crossed my room in a few steps and leaned across my bed, throwing her arms around me. I flinched slightly in shock… hadn't been expecting that.
"I know I've acted terrible Hermione, and I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about it all afternoon- how hateful I was to you at lunch, and how awful we've all been to you, not even speaking to you." Her words came out in a rush, and when she finished speaking she pulled away and looked at me.
"Do you forgive me?" She asked, timidly.
"Of course I do." I said, smiling at her "Its partly my fault anyway. I should have known I couldn't just throw something like that at you… .of course it was going to take you some time to get used to it, and I should have realized that."
"I don't know why I got so upset. I guess I was just so surprised that I didn't think before I reacted, you know? I can't really blame you for wanting to be friends with him though. I know plenty of girls that would love to be much more than friends with him." She said, waggling her eyebrows at me.
I couldn't help but laugh. Maybe it wouldn't be as hard to bring it up as I had thought…
"Okay, I'm here. We kissed and made up- well not so much the kissing part, but still. So dish… lets hear it, I want the good stuff too. No skipping." She said sternly, as she made herself comfortable on my bed, leaning against the headboard and settling a pillow behind her back.
I still wasn't sure how much I wanted to tell her. So much of the story was caught up in what I couldn't tell… or was at least afraid too. If I told her about Voldermort and Lucius, would she tell Harry? I ran the scenario through my mind quickly, and then dismissed the possibility. I didn't want to cause her the worry I had experienced, or put her in the position to lie to her boyfriend and brother for me. Some secrets are just better being kept.
And so, I told her as much of the story as I could- leaving out most of the details, and to my surprise she more or less let me finish without interruptions. By the time I was finished, her eyes were as big as saucers, she was chewing the inside of her lip, and a pillow was clinched in her fists. I sat there for a minute, waiting for her to say something, but she never did.
"Speak, Ginny." I said, leaning towards her slightly.
She swallowed loudly and looked at me. Slowly, her face returned to its normal expression, and she spoke.
"I can't believe it. I can't bloody believe it." She said, finally, shaking her head.
I bit my lip, and tried to smile at her, but I don't think it worked right. Suddenly my face felt numb. I hadn't counted on feeling so anxious, but it finally dawned on me that if she really wanted to, Ginny could mess everything up. She could run off and tell people, and then everyone would know whether I wanted them to or not, and …… wait. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I shrugged the idea away and pulled myself from my thoughts.
"Are you mad?" I asked softly.
"Mad? No, I'm not mad. Maybe I should be. I don't know… I just can't believe it." She continued to shake her head and was just sitting there, looking at me.
"Oh!" She said, sitting up suddenly "Have you had sex with him?" She asked in a whisper, as if she thought someone might could hear her.
"No, not yet." I said, seriously, shaking my head.
She nodded, and then it occurred to her exactly what I had said.
"Not YET?" She demanded "But… but that means you are going to and just haven't gotten around to it yet." She said, her voice climbing up a couple of octaves.
I furrowed my brow and looked at her. I didn't know what to say… I hadn't exactly intended to say not yet, but I couldn't exactly deny that it would probably happen at some point. I shrugged, and tried to think of what to say.
"I don't know Ginny, it's all so confusing. That's why I need your help." I said, and leaned over to shake her gently by the shoulders. "Before this goes any further I need to know for sure how he feels. I think I know, but I need to hear him say it. I can't let myself get caught up in it any further without knowing for sure."
"I understand" She said, earnestly. "From what you've told me, Hermione, you should really just tell him that. I can't believe I'm saying this about Draco Malfoy of all people, but he sounds like a pretty decent guy. I don't think he is going to go all bonkers on you for asking him how he feels." She paused for a second, and looked at me before continuing "And really, if he does… then I guess that answers your question, you know? It will hurt, but at least you will know for sure before its too late." She shrugged at me slightly, and then shook her head at me again.
"I've gotten myself into a mess haven't I?" I asked, smiling.
"It's definitely a mess. But it may not be a bad mess. Some messes are actually fun." She said, grinning back at me "And Draco Malfoy looks like a lot of fun…" She trailed off, biting her lip at grinning at me.
"Hey now!" I objected, hitting her with a pillow
Ginny giggled and stood up beside my bed.
"You'll figure it out, Hermione. You always do. You were right before… I should trust your judgment." She smiled at me again, and then she was out the door.
A/N(2): Im awfully chatty tonight, huh? I just wanted to point out that I am changing the rating of this story from T to M. I don't think it was in this chapter, but I caught myself throwing some bad language in it at one point and there are some situations coming up that call for the higher rating. Plus, it makes me less paranoid. Anyway, just wanted y'all to be aware. Thanks!