V. The Sin
Two pairs of green eyes staring each other down, one burning with rage, the other filled with tender calmness, always the same - emotions versus logic, ten words in a question versus silence in a reply, fires of hell versus coolness of angels, they were two opposite poles of a magnet, heaven and earth, having a joined line of the never-ending horizon, distant yet touching each other, two brothers as entity, and one of them failed to keep on the razor-edge, having crossed the inadmissible boundary and now suffering from the bleeding wounds. The perfect balance, like in drift, had gotten too difficult to control as the forbidden fruit of pleasure teased: seduction, temptation had grown ever-so sweet to resist. The corners of the soft pink lips moved upwards, whereas the one at the desk lowered his eyes in shame,
"Gomen, aniki."
Ryousuke's smile lingered until Keisuke dared a look up again, the former's features kind and forgiving.
"I told him the truth, but he knows not more than absolutely necessary."
The blond closed his eyes, thanking both his brother and God since he felt a weight off his mind, feeling of sheer relief bringing solace and sudden weakness in the knees as he sat onto the edge of the desk, catching his breath and awaiting further information.
"It felt like bad comedy, no good at all… Keisuke," the elder Takahashi confessed, stroking the smooth black surface of the abused laptop. "Trust me, he won't nag you with questions, I've seen to it."
"Aniki," Keisuke breathed out not sure of what to add, eyes watery. "How did you- I mean- What- Was it that-"
"Relax, it's OK, it's no big deal really. And I'm not supposed to discuss such matters with him since it's our personal issue," the FC driver got up and presented Keisuke with another of his rare smiles. "Now go."
The blond rose from his seat, glancing at the damaged computer, inwardly cherishing the hope it was alright, other than that he'd have to pay out of his pocket for the repair. He left the room absorbed in various unimportant thoughts, like these of his misbehavior, his conduct badly needed improvement. At times, the times when Keisuke had no special occupation or before going to bed, he wondered why he was that emotional and had so much difficulty controlling his temper, and thus he put the blame on the parents, envying Ryousuke; or it might be the hint that he had to change something about himself, say, reduce fussiness, increase calmness, but he was 21, wasn't it late to alter the character? Somehow, Keisuke couldn't fall asleep after he went to bed, it was still early and despite lack of slumber he was feeling unusually restless as though not safe enough, and he kept musing on the future Saturday race and counting chances for winning, brooding on bits of conversation with Ryousuke, trying to teleport himself back to the morning when he left home and aniki stayed to save his skin, thinking what would have happened if he had not gone out, what a hell of a discussion he might have had with father; 'what if's' invading his tired mind in an endless flood which gradually, unnoticed by him, slowed down, weakened, until it ceased at last, helping the boy get his needed dream, by that time the clock already flashing 3AM.
The moment the study door locked behind Keisuke was blissful for Ryousuke as he sighed mentally. Once at the table again, he got down to checking the laptop for any sign of severe destruction, and upon finding none, the Takahashi leant back in his favorite chair glad to have at least one positive point in the day. Although he had made up an elaborate story shielding both of them, the elder brother didn't feel as relaxed as he would like, he, rather, felt strangely alarmed, the state somewhat like after-swoon. Oh man, why did he have the finding-the-reason-for-all obsession? It made him angry and he would attempt to get rid of it. Keisuke didn't have anything close to this hateful trait and therefore lived a carefree life with no such analyze-everything function sealed in his brain. How come their parents have created him a robot-like child? He liked his otouto's nature better than his. The concerned guy, however, had other problems to load his head with, so he chose not to carry on with this one for now.
It was the native engine sound that made him startle and lean back from the steering wheel his forehead rested upon. Keisuke huh'ed, pricking up his ears to make sure he wasn't deceived. He wasn't. The sounding of tires, the manner of driving, the exceptional style of handling the car seemed too obvious to not get it. Ryousuke was coming to rescue him.
'If it's a rescue at all,' the depressed racer sighed: his brother, he thought, would now exit the vehicle and come up to him and remember all bad things Keisuke had done for the last couple of days, and swear and call him nuts and ask billions of questions he wouldn't find answers to, and do this and that and many other horrible things. 'Dou shiyou?'
Meanwhile the unmistakable Mazda has stopped before Keisuke's, and Ryousuke stood smoking, reclining against the hood, all his stance showing expectation as he waited for Keisuke to approach, better with explanations handy. That's ridiculous, the blond guessed, how such a common wide-spread habit turned him on – he adored it when aniki smoked, enjoying the sight, so absorbed, mesmerized by how Ryousuke did it. He might as well think it obsession as he watched him take out a stick and put it into his mouth, the cigarette placed a bit to the right side, before he lit it, and gray stream broke through the lips while he breathed it out; Keisuke derived utmost pleasure from mere observing, he liked being near as though wishing to examine all in detail, every second of how the sibling smoked, even a tiny orange fire at the end of the slowly dying cigarette, even ash falling down onto the ground or caught up by the wind, the way he held it between the index and the middle fingers in his left hand, how thoughtful he became after a few drags - all this excited Keisuke, excited to the point of delirium, night-dreaming about it when he imagined himself surrounded by the clouds of this magical smoke. He had picked up the harmful addiction too, mostly because he wanted to act like the elder, but it lost its authentic magic when it was he who touched the white tobacco items, so Ryousuke was the only one who did it in a special incredibly-tempting way. Or was it just him?
The dreamer gazed ahead for yet another two minutes before taking his eyes off the tall figure illuminated by the light of the car, and with a short growl he shifted in the driver's seat, not feeling like moving or leaving the warm comfort of the FD, but he perfect hint dropped by Ryousuke told him to get out, the sooner the better. The elder was obstinate, the younger even more stiff-necked – Keisuke bet the dark-haired man would give up in several minutes; the cigarette coming to the end alongside Ryousuke's patience. The two knew each other well enough to be able to foresee each other's actions. He grew all nervous, noting the other take a small step in the direction of the quiet yellow car, further movements unwilling as though he had just run a 66km marathon. 'Welcome to personal therapy hour,' Keisuke braced up for his brother's lesson. 'I won't let you. I need other things, not your nravou4'.
Upon coming to the solitary car, the FC-driver had nothing to do but get inside in the hope of solving some problems, and obviously, there were quite a few, judging by Keisuke's behavior, and find some common ground as a basis for agreement, if there were things to agree on, of course. He doubted that what he was going to do was right, but what Keisuke had on his mind, however, was far from his even most daring guesses. A hurricane, powerful storm covered him next moment, and he suddenly had to gasp for air as something was choking, and, breathless, he groped for the door handle, in vain, for it was locked a moment prior by a prompt Keisuke. The glass was rolled up as well, denying any access out. Then a momentary glimpse rushed through his mind that it was a high-risk situation with no escape whatsoever. Ryousuke swallowed loudly as what seemed like death-carrying object pressed tightly to his neck and stiffened the terrible grip, like huge tongs squeezing metal, his head was being torn out of the body with force, hot clutch around the pale neck getting deeper, harder, and in the dimness, in the gray fog of half-consciousness, he caught a desperate call, the word so familiar, the voice so dear.
"Aniki… aniki… aniki," it echoed over and over again.
There in the car Ryousuke now felt extremely claustrophobic, sounds hyperbolized, deafening, crushing his ears. What was going on, what had he done wrong to deserve such a punishment, and this 'aniki'… it was killing. No-no-no… Where was Keisuke? He'd rather have fainted for what happened to him afterwards was too unreal to believe. The young man in the driver's seat tossed himself in the opposite direction over the gear shift, and onto the one in the passenger seat. Nothing but madness, last stage of insanity, restriction forgotten; like a bull catching a sight of a bright red rag moving from side to side by the toreador, the guy got out of control. Not even a dozen of seat-belts could fasten him in place as he leaped at his brother who had scarcely gotten into the car. Was it Keisuke or the Devil incarnate or a vampire clinging to a victim to suck the delicious blood, ever-so sweet liquid, taste each tiny drop of it as it got onto his tongue, savoring, enjoying, loving… until the victim, unable to fight back anymore, fell into submission, becoming his property.
Sure and swift hands slid everywhere as he claimed the body of the other his irrefutable possession, he needed this intimacy, moments of desire he's been keeping within for so long, the want to rid of the burden found its chance at last. Months of one-sided longing, unrequited love growing into aching torture; deliberate distancing himself from the object of passion ending in one-night stands with no-matter-who, all kinds of males, all sorts of guys - only to subside the longing, find someone who'd at least remotely look like his aniki. Failure by failure, these finds appeared mere rent boys with nice bodies but not the slightest hint at Ryousuke. Hiding his nature, concealing these reputation-tarnishing affairs, Keisuke has got used to living a double-faced life, and some day, he assumed, he might burst. A huge bomb of unuttered words and locked feelings would explode; come what may, but he would be relieved at last. Perversion, corruption, sin, he'd been thinking about these things for what seemed the biggest part of his free time, finding some peace in driving. Eating, reading, talking with friends, clubbing and even sleeping, all this led to nothing but thoughts about his brother. The elder, in his opinion, was either a fool who didn't notice his strange conduct, or on the opposite, a wise man who chose 'not to trouble trouble till trouble troubled him'. He hated and loved Ryousuke at the same time, and has gotten all nuts recently, on the verge of explosion, but he knew that if revealed, the secret would bring dishonor on the family. 'Damned Takahashis,' he often regretted he had been born so spoiled into such a decent family, where no one seemed to have the right for mistake.
Hungry mouth almost biting, gnawing at the thin skin, teeth almost tearing bits of flesh once Keisuke got access to the divine creature of his haunting dreams, once the ghost of his brother became real, and the shadow acquired its true form, a seducing, tempting shape, an ideal silhouette of God. He has been waiting for this moment for what seemed like eternity. Nothing could discourage him from doing it, for the chance would slip away if missed right now, there would be no tomorrow if he didn't do it. Although his body was in a less favorable position due to the low-ceilinged FD, the blond managed to still the passenger, right hand around Ryousuke's neck, nails digging into its softness; he would never forgive himself for hurting the beloved, yet now Keisuke was out of his mind, turning all wilder, scarier, but knowing the explanation, the reason for such unpardonable actions – afraid to lose him, wanting to make him stay, force was the single way not to let him go, or else Ryousuke would break free and despise him for the rest of his life (well, this he would do in any case), so Keisuke thought it best to keep him captive, grip tightening, causing the raven-haired man to start to coughing. There had been no plan arranged beforehand, nor was the younger realizing what the hell he was doing at the moment - lust-blinded, people rarely understand anything under such circumstances: 'On the bed of love never sleeps sanity or good sense', thus Ryousuke remarked once. But hopefully, this time there would be no bad outcome: one trip to morgue and one to jail will be too much for the Takahashi-parents. Keisuke'd better topped before it was too late.
He prepared for another fierce assault, heavy touch on a not-so-alive body, that proprietary instinct revealing one more side of Keisuke, so brutal, savage, an insatiable beast has broken loose, the only thing proving that it was a human being was the never-ending 'aniki' whispered time and again.
There followed kisses, many of them, making Ryousuke's lips red and swollen, a few more and his sensitive skin might bleed, sharp teeth on his neck and lower, to the collarbone, and then down until the upper button was unfastened, and the hunt for flesh went on as he moved farther to the second and the third round clasp, only satisfied when fully undid the shirt. One hand was not enough to enjoy the feeling of the tense frame, his position uncomfortable too, this forcing the guy to move onto Ryousuke's lap, as the FD-driver straddled his brother, releasing his neck, all done fast as he pressed his chest against the other's, getting as much contact as the position offered. He breathed out and closed his eyes in delight, placing his palms on the passenger's shoulders, while wondering if he dreamed it up or it was another collection of silly fancies that would disperse by the morning. Now melting in a half-embrace, all inconvenience insignificant, this closeness meaning a lot more than any other material substitution. Could it be because he lacked brotherly love? All his life he has been craving for Ryousuke's attention, so this simple wish gradually transformed into yearning for his whole brother: physical attraction, sexual need, permanent thoughts of a taboo yet alluring incest chasing the guy. Anytime, everyplace, the monster inside strived after illegal intimacy. It was high time to get it.
"Aniki…" he never meant to stop whereas the elder struggled for oxygen, needing to fill the lungs with the precious air, blackness thickening. "Aniki…"
Hot wet tongue glided along the left side of the just-freed neck, up and down, then caressed the small ear-lobe, nose catching a fresh hardly-discernible scent of forest shampoo lingering in aniki's hair, every single spot, each centimeter of the man underneath him seemed incredible, beautiful. He was his, his own, no one else's, his aniki!
"Aniki…" another reiteration as all mixed and messed and tangled in the hazed mind of the molester;
He has gone too far but it was all about now or never. And after a sensual moan,
"I want you."