Wow. Overwhelmed with the response to my story. Thanks so much. But I will admit I had help with this chapter, thank you Tess!

It's peaceful like this, on my back. A warm sun caresses my face and wraps me in a blanket of fluffy clouds.

But then somewhere up-river, a speedboat or jet-ski causes a ripple effect and miniature waves slap water into my face and the shock of it almost makes me go under.

My body becomes a raft and there's this part of me that wants to literally go with the flow. To close my eyes and let it take me. But I know sooner or later I will have to get out; that I will have to go home - to a house that feels more and more empty every day.

For a moment I sense something flying menacingly low over me and I start with a fright, losing my balance and this time, I go under. But the sky is a never-ending blue, no birds, no clouds. Just a stillness that tells me that I am the only person in the world.

Until I see Jace on the side of the river.

I breaststroke over and attempt to get out with as much dignity as possible. One is always at a disadvantage when standing dripping wet in one's underwear, no matter how modest it is. He waits for me with arms outstretched, holding a blue and white striped towel. I walk to Jace and he drapes the towel around and over my shoulders. I thank him and pull it tight to my chest.

For a while we sit on the bank in silence. I watch a dragonfly flitter above the water, then hover on the spot before darting off towards the sky. That's when I see the sun beginning to disappear behind the row of trees in the distance. I make a move to stand up but Jace's hand on my arm prevents me from getting to my feet.

'What's the hurry?' he asks.

I turn my head to face him. 'I don't want to spend the rest of the summer grounded,' I tell him. 'Which is exactly what will happen if my mother comes home and finds that I am not there.'

I brush away his hand and walk to the river bank, dipping my toes in the shallows, stirring up the mud.

'How long are you going to keep doing this?'

'Doing what?'

'Anything and everything you can to get yourself grounded and keep yourself locked up at home.'

'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Come off it, Clary. We all know what you're doing. You've been nothing but a hermit this last year. I wouldn't surprise me if you would be content to spend the rest of the summer grounded.'

I don't say anything. I take deep breaths, looking at the river stretched before me.

When I turn Jace is there and he cups my face in his hands and kisses me so deeply that I don't know who is breathing for who, but his mouth and tongue taste like warm honey. I don't know how long it lasts, but when I let go of him, I miss him instantly.

'You shouldn't have done that,' I say.

He presses his cheek to mine and I feel his eyes close with the sweep of his lashes. And then his hands are at my waist and he's kissing me again. I drop the towel and fold my arms around his neck, pressing my body hard against his. Then there's a little voice pounding in the back of my mind telling me to stop. And I do.

Even as I pull away the sensation of him still lingers on my lips, and yes, I have forgotten what that was like. To hunt them out, all these memories of Jace, the good ones, the beautiful ones that I find so hard to recall now; to be able to relive them all in the heat of their moment, over and over again, forever and-

No. Our past is a poisonous place, and I am not going to live in it any longer.

Jace's lips are on my neck now and I fight to push him away 'Stop, Jace? Please, stop.'

'Clary?' he pleads with me.

'I'm sorry, Jace. I can't.'

He steps back and runs a frustrated hand through his hair. 'I stole your heart once, Clary, and I've been fighting to keep it ever since. When will you let me in? When will you forgive me?'

'I don't know. I need…time to think. I need time alone.'

'Time alone? You've got be fucking kidding me, Clary. All you seem to do these days is spend time alone. When was the last time you spoke to Isabelle? She's going through some pretty tough stuff, too, and she misses you. You can't keep blocking out your friends.'

'I'm not blocking anyone out.' I'm yelling now and my face feels hot, probably shows, too. 'Isabelle hasn't exactly been knocking down my door to talk to me either, you know.'

'How would you know? You never answer the door. You never answer your phone.'

Jace picks up my clothes and hands them too me. 'You're not the only one who lost someone they love, Clary.' And then he turns and walks away, leaving me alone. Which is just what I wanted. Wasn't it?

I intentionally take the long way home. Not so my mother would catch me out, but because the shortest way took me past the cemetery, and I wasn't ready to go back there yet. I don't think I ever will be.

We fought that day, my brother and I. Malicious words were spoken and we had both screamed the words 'I hate you' at each other. We had never fought like that before because we never had a reason too. Until Jace Wayland moved in next door. I suspected, but had never brought up the thought that Jonathan might be gay. It didn't bother me whether Jonathan was gay, straight or purple, I loved my brother more than anything. Love, my brother.

I try to remember the fun we had growing up but every time I do my thoughts automatically turn to his funeral where the casket waits at the end of the aisle, mahogany and wreathed in flowers. The lid is closed up tight, of course, an open casket wasn't permitted. It's one thing to know he's dead, but to see it…

How did this happen? Was it possible to go back through the weeks, months, years even, to trace out some pattern, some evidence of a chain of events well beyond my ability to change or control?

My doctor says that feeling guilty and responsible was only par for the course and that, with time, those feelings would subside. Now, a year on, I have a new doctor and those feelings still burn through me like wild fire.