12

Hotch Has Words With Spencer.

Reid got a call at around the same point that he was wondering how someone can produce so much vomit. He'd pulled the car over and Sam was sitting with his head between his legs puking violently. Spencer rubbed on Sam's back and where Sam's hair fell down the side of his face Reid could clearly see the mark on the back of his neck where Sam had caught himself when Spencer had pushed him away. He wasn't sure if it was the hot fumes coming from what Sam was expelling or the thought that he'd actually raised a hand to Sam which was making him feel ill. Although the weather was biting cold and once again rain had started to hammer down, Spencer rolled down the car windows to let some of the smell escape.

'Oh…' Sam moaned. 'You know I don't think I'll need a stomach pump. Can we just go home? I need a shower and a change of clothes.

Reid was just wondering where a change of clothes could be found when his phone started to ring. He pulled it from his pocket. 'Report in now.' Was all it said but it was enough to make that sickening feeling increase.

'Sam I have to go into work. I'll take you with me.'

Sam responded but puking some more. 'I don't want to go there. They'll string me up by my balls. Just take me home.'

Home… Sam seemed to have assumed he was moving in. What was he, a shelter for the homeless all of a sudden? 'I cant leave you there alone. You'll have to come with me.' Reid started to pull out and swung the car around to head in the right direction. 'I know that you have feelings of abandonment and I know how that feels Sam and I don't want you to think that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to take you to my apartment for your imagination to run riot again.'

Sam wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and glared at Spencer. 'Fine, I'll go with you, but if you think dragging me into where you work is going to make me think that you have any feelings for me other than contempt then you're wrong. I'd rather wait at home.'

Again he used that word. 'It's not your home Sam. I explained that already. I don't want you living with me. I share the apartment with Floyd.'

'No room for me? It's a big bed. I'll tell Floyd that you sodomised me. He wont like that. I'll tell Hotch that you did. I'll…'

'Don't make empty threats. Push me hard enough and you'll find I don't fall… I will simply walk away from you. Why would I have any feelings for someone who shows nothing but spite and anger in return? Tell Floyd… tell him… I know what he'll do.'

Sam wiped again at his mouth and frowned. 'Fuck you Spencer. Fuck you! Floyd will tear you apart if he knew. You'll be dead.'

Reid drove on in silence for a short while. 'I know what he'll do too Sam. How many times has Floyd had the excuse to tear me apart and how many times has he done it? Think on that will you. Think where Floyd was at Christmas and where you were and decide for your self.'

Sam kicked at the facia board of the car. He punched at the windows which Spencer had rolled back up again. Then he just slumped into a sobbing lump. It wasn't the best situation. Spencer would rather have been able to tell Sam to wait somewhere else but he didn't want to have to worry about what Sam would do if he left him somewhere. He pulled up in the underground parking lot and told Sam to come with him. He would take him somewhere safe and maybe he could clean himself up a bit and someone would be there to keep an eye on him if he…

'… so that you know I'll be back.'

And then that chant again… 'But do you love me?' He clung onto Spencer's arm as they walked to the elevator. 'You either love me or you just used me. I need to know which it is.'

'Not now Sam.' Spencer guided him into the elevator car and pressed a button.

'It's always later… it's always not now. It's never the right time is it? You don't have to worry. I know the answer. I can deal with that.'

The elevator took them to the main lobby area. Reid escorted Sam over to security and asked them to find a room for Sam to wait in. He confirmed that he'd certainly be back. He started to walk away and then turned back to Sam. 'You have razor blades. You need to hand them to security for safe keeping.' Why did Spencer always feel that he was talking to a child when he spoke to Sam? 'Just empty your pockets and you'll get your things back later.' He then turned again and walked back to the elevator. It would be nice if Hotch didn't know he'd left Sam down in security. He didn't want questions asked about why. The doors dinged shut and Spencer leaned on the wall of the car and took deep breaths. He wasn't due into work again until the new year. Surely it wasn't that? Had he got his dates muddled in all of this mess? The doors opened again and Reid walked out and over towards Hotch's office. He had a feeling of doom in the pit of his stomach. The bull pen was empty apart from a couple of technicians. Hotch's door was open so he just tapped on the glass and waited for Aaron to look up.

'Come in Reid and close the door.' Hotch didn't look happy. Then again when did Hotch ever look happy?

Reid closed the door carefully and went and stood in front of Hotch's desk. He was told to sit… told… not asked… told. Again that unhappy feeling in Reid's stomach. He sat and looked down at his hands.

'Are you aware of how much trouble you could be in?' Hotch's voice was cold.

Spencer looked up and fixed his gaze on a photograph on the wall near to Hotch. 'For…?'

'How many times has Flanders been connected with incidences? No – you don't have to answer. I don't want a statistic Reid. You are aware that he has escaped by one fluke or technicality after another. You know what sort of a person he is.'

Reid kept his gaze fixed on the picture. 'I didn't invite him back. I thought he was gone.'

'Don't lie to me Reid. I've been to talk to Flanders. I've had certain things confirmed.'

Spencer was lost. He had no idea what Hotch was referring to. 'I'm sorry. I don't understand. What am I meant to have done? I've not had contact with him up until Christmas Eve and I certainly wasn't expecting contact.'

'Yet you take money from him regularly?' Hotch stood. 'You are his kept man Reid. He's been paying for everything for years. Why have you not informed us of this? Didn't you think it mattered that he had a hold over you like that?'

Spencer dragged his eyes from the picture and looked at his lap. 'I tried to stop it. I kept cancelling the payments coming in and they were just reset again. I changed my bank and still money was paid into my account. I requested it was stopped. They stopped it. Then the following month it all started back up again. I tried to stop it at source and couldn't. I couldn't trace where it was coming from.'

'And you didn't think it was important enough to say something to me? A serial killer is paying your bills and you don't say anything? What were you thinking? The man now has reason to believe you want him around! When Strauss hears about this…'

Reid stood. 'Maybe I do want him around.' He snapped at Hotch. 'Maybe I'd forgotten how much I need him around and this has to go no further than the two of us and I suspect Garcia as someone had to do your research for you….' Reid pulled his revolver out of his pocket. 'Here… take it. I don't have my ID on me. I will bring it in tomorrow. I resign.' Spencer sat back down again. 'I will compose a letter and bring it in tomorrow. I'm sorry that my personal life isn't to your liking.'

'It's not that.' Hotch sat back down again. 'We could have used information to trace Flanders.'

Spencer was now the one giving Hotch a cold look. 'As far as I'm aware he's not broken the law since he's been back. He's in hospital for a short stay and then he will be home again and I would have resigned the moment you requested I handed over information to help you detain Flanders. I know you don't like him…'

'It's hardly a matter of not liking him Reid. He's a murderer. He's dangerous.'

Reid shook his head. 'No – I'm not going to sit here and listen to this. I'm sorry you don't like my life choices. I've told you that I tried to stop the payments. Those stopped payments will show up on my account. I'm sure Pen will be able to trace them back for you. No I didn't inform you of the situation because I felt it wasn't your business. You cant control my life Aaron as much as you'd like to.'

'I'm not trying to control you Reid.'

'What is it you're doing exactly then? Why do I feel that I have to keep things from you?'

Hotch was pacing now with his hands in tight fists at his side. 'What exactly are you keeping from me?'

Spencer shrugged. 'I don't know anymore. I just don't know what you deem to be wrong and what I'm permitted to do.' He paused and watched Hotch pacing for a while. He wanted to ask if he'd had to report in every time he had sex with Haley. He wanted to ask if there was a great fight with JJ when it turned out she was daring to have sex with someone. What the hell did it have to do with Hotch what they did? 'Sam is waiting for me. I have to go. I will be back tomorrow with my ID and a letter and I'll pick up what few things I have here then.'

Hotch's head snapped around. 'Sam? What are you getting yourself into? You know the problems that boy brings with him.'

Spencer walked to Hotch's door and threw one more thing at him to think about. 'He's not a boy.' Reid pulled the door open and jogged back to the elevator not bothering to look back to see if Hotch was watching. He knew he was. He knew he'd left him wondering what that statement meant.

Shopping, Cleaning and Other Household Chores.

Spencer made Sam sit in the back of the car on the way home. He dropped the car off a couple of blocks away from his apartment block to be cleaned inside and out and then walked in silence for about half a block before Sam started whining on about the state of his clothes. Spencer had also noted that Sam seemed to have picked up a nasty cough from somewhere. Sam had also wiped his nose on the sleeve of the clothing he had on so many times he's rubbed off some of the scabs which had been forming. He was telling Spencer that the clothes he had on weren't actually his and his clothes were probably at the priests house…

'…but the bitch there told me I'd get shot if I go back. How nice is that? She said I need to seek help somewhere else. She said God isn't going to help me. She's as good as damned me hasn't she. New clothes would be nice though. I'd look better and feel better if I had something new. I just cant believe that the old witch would threaten me like that can you Spencer? What sort of a person does that? I should report her, but what I'm trying to say…' Sam had stopped walking. '…is that this shop right here sells clothes and I've had things from here before and they do real nice stuff. I don't think you'd want anything from here because you're a boring old fart and would rather have a santa sweater knitted by some old granny, but this place does my sort of thing and they know me and they always seem to be able to pick out exactly the right sort of thing for me.' Spencer opened his mouth to say something but Sam carried on talking. 'The problem is though that I don't have any money and the only way I can get some is to go whoring and I'll get nothing stinking like this so I was thinking if I could just sort of borrow some cash off you and pay you back afterwards. I can get the money, but I just don't have any now and cant get any if I look so run down…' He broke off into deep chesty phlegmy coughing. '… run down and sick and Floyd would be annoyed that you let me go around looking like I'm homeless.'

Spencer shrugged. 'You are homeless.' He pointed out. 'This place looks expensive Sam. Can we try somewhere that's not going to empty my wallet?' He started to walk on, but Sam stood his ground.

'Well it's like this. I like this place and they know me and they…' He jogged behind Spencer and grabbed him by the arm. 'I want clothes from that shop. I want to look good. It might not be important to you but it is to me.' A swipe of an arm across his nose. 'You want me to look good don't you? You want your fuck to look nice don't you?'

Reid turned a hard face to look at Sam. 'You're not my… my…'

'Fuck.' Sam sneered. 'But I am… that's the whole point. So will you get me something nice or not?'

'I will, but when we get back to the apartment I'm going to have a long talk with you about it. I'm only getting them because…'

'You like to see me happy. I know.' Sam went up onto the balls of his feet and gave Spencer a quick slightly snotty kiss on the mouth. 'Thank you Spencer. Thank you.'

Reid thought he was going to throw up. He waited without moving until Sam had turned his back and then wiped furiously at his mouth. He let Sam choose two pairs of jeans and two tops. He also let him get some red lace up boots and a new jacket and a hat and socks and underwear and a belt and some rubber wrist bands and some things to put in his hair… and some eye liner, silver eye shadow, some body butter (with glitter)…

'Nothing else!' Spencer snatched the shoulder bag away from Sam and put it back on the hook.

'But I need a bag! The pockets in the jacket are way small. Only good for small change and tissues and condoms. Smokes and stuff will get ruined and it's lovely Spencer! It'll match my boots. Go on please…' Sam pulled it down again and slung it over his shoulder… 'Imagine that with my new jeans and that red top and the black jacket and my red boots… it's screaming to be part of the team don't you think? Go on Spencer I feel naked if I don't accessorise properly. Please… just this one more thing.'

'On the condition that you keep everything in the bags until I've talked to you about this… and you actually put tissues in the pocket.'

Sam gave Spencer a look of total innocence and devotion. 'Thank you. Thank you so much!'

It cost a lot of money. Spencer was far from happy… their moods seemed to be in direct opposition. The happier Sam got the more tense and miserable Spencer got. It was like having to look after someone else's spoilt child. And he supposed in a way he was. They walked back to the apartment with Sam now moaning that the bags were too heavy and that he was weak from the poor living conditions he'd been suffering and could Spencer please carry some of the things. Spencer had just spent nearly his month's wages on pleasing Sam and now that he'd told Hotch that he was going to resign he didn't know what he was going to do for money.

Except he did. He knew. He knew that Floyd would make up the loss for him. He wouldn't even have to ask. It would just happen and though Spencer was comforted by that thought he was now thinking that Hotch had been correct and he should talk to Floyd about stopping this. They went up in the elevator, not because Spencer didn't fancy the stairs but because Sam would have moaned endlessly about it and he was coughing more often now and spitting up dark green phlegm which Spencer was beginning to get a bit concerned about.

The apartment stank. The sound of insects and things crawling around in the mess was louder. Sam rushed to the bedroom and began to empty the bags, but Spencer pulled him back out again and directed him to the lounge. 'Talk first.' He reminded Sam who sighed and looked longingly at his new things and then skulked down to the lounge and sat on the couch with his arms wrapped around his vomit soaked chest.

'I need to talk.'

'So you keep saying.' Sam snapped back. 'Get on with it. I want a shower.'

Spencer nodded. 'Firstly you need to know that you cant live here. You do have to find somewhere else to live. You can stay here for a few days until you locate a place for yourself and I'll help you find somewhere but you cant live here on a permanent basis. Do you understand that?'

Sam shook his head. 'No not really. Why did you get me all that stuff then?'

Reid sighed and gripped the arms of this leather chair. 'The clothes are simply because you had nothing. You have nothing. It was just that and nothing else. It doesn't mean that I want you to live here. It doesn't mean that we have moved up a stage in our friendship. I don't hate you Sam. I worry about you.'

'Do you love me?'

'Why do you keep asking me that? Yes… I love you but I'm not in love with you. I love you like a brother.'

'A brother you fuck.' Sam said and then started coughing and spitting globs of something nasty into his hands. He looked at it for a while… prodded a particularly big lump of something with his finger and then wiped it all off on the leg of his dirty jeans.

Reid said nothing for a while. He just sat looking at Sam and waited to see if he'd speak again. When he didn't Spencer carried on. 'Maybe brother was the wrong word.'

Sam nodded. 'Thought so. I would choose the word dog actually. Or maybe whore. Yes. I'm just a favoured whore. I don't actually even feel all that favoured. So what's the catch? You're not going to admit that you want me. You're not going to tell me that you love me… not really… you couldn't love something anymore than a trout could. You're a cold fish Spencer… come on… what's the catch. What have I got to do to earn those clothes?'

Spencer stood and looked around. 'Clean the apartment while I go and cook some food.'

There were protests of course. Sam said he'd not made the mess and wouldn't clean it especially if he had to move out again, but Spencer explained that if he didn't do it the he'd return all the lovely things he'd just bought for him and he'd have to keep on the grubby vomit and snot covered things he had on now. To Sam it felt like the lowest form of slavery. He told Spencer how slavery had been abolished and he'd been used once before and sold by someone in the white slave trade and wasn't going to go down that route again. Reid put a bucket of hot water on the floor and handed Sam some rubber gloves and cleaning products.

'It has to be good enough for Floyd. Get going. You don't want to take all night and if it's not done right I'll have to take those things back.'

'Blackmail!' Sam howled, but got down on his knees and started doing the work. 'I'm not happy about this. I'm not your skivvy and nothing is ever good enough for Floyd and he's not here anyway and probably isn't coming back again because he went insane and was talking to himself and I'm ill. Cant you tell I'm ill. I've got the worst cough ever and my nose is sore as fuck and… are you listening to me!'

Spencer came back out of the kitchen and picked up the phone. 'Pizza all right for you?' He asked. 'I've got some meds somewhere for coughs. After you're done there and showered you can have some.'

Most of the blood was Floyd's but Spencer knew that not all of it was. Again he was covering up for something Floyd had done but he had to get rid of the smears on the wall and door where he was unsure if the mess was from Floyd or one of Floyd's victim. Sam's cleaning was not to the standard Floyd would have liked but it was done. The mess was cleared and pizza arrived and they sat and nibbled on slices of cheese and tomato and drank cola and Sam actually seemed content for a few moments. It never lasted long for him though. He wanted a shower. He wanted Spencer to help him shower. He wanted someone to do his back for him and Spencer's continual refusal was bugging the hell out of Sam.

'You were happy to do what you did last night. You cant do that then pretend it didn't happen.'

Spencer thought that was just what he did need to do though. Slipping into total denial felt like a great idea. Reid stripped the bed and put fresh linen on the bed and cleared up the scattering of clothes which had been hauled off and thrown around the room. He placed Sam's new things on a chair and put another blanket on the couch with a spare pillow. He had no intention of doing again what had happened last night. It had been a dreadful mistake and he knew that. Sam did eventually shower alone, but then walked back into the lounge naked and dripping asking Spencer to dry his back for him. He was told firmly to go get a towel and dry himself.

'I told you once it had to end. I meant it.' Spencer informed the retreating back.

'I feel so used!' Sam called back over his shoulder. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his hips and stalked back into the lounge. 'And you wonder why I go out whoring.' Sam moaned.

Spencer shook his head. 'No actually Sam… that's one of the many things about you that I don't wonder about. Put on one of the bathrobes and wrap up warm. You can have the couch tonight and tomorrow after I've run a couple of errands we'll start looking for somewhere for you to stay other than here.'

'Why cant I just stay here Spencer? I'll not get in the way. I'll even do your housework for you. I don't think I want to live alone. Bad things always happen when I live alone. People take advantage.'

'Sam… People take advantage because you act like that's what you want. You talk like you don't have an education or a brain. I know better. Behave like a sulky child and people will treat you like one. Behave like a responsible adult and you'll be surprised at how quickly people's opinions of you will change. You're not stupid and you're not a kid. Stop acting and talking like one. It's beginning to annoy me.' Reid stood and looked down towards his bedroom door. 'I'm going to bed. I need to sleep. If you need something to eat or drink you know where the kitchen is. Don't touch the alcohol and don't set the place on fire. I'll see you in the morning.' Reid walked down to the bedroom and pushed open the door. 'If you can keep your hands to yourself you can have your clothes in the morning. Good night and sleep well.'

Sam's eyes narrowed but he nodded and pulled a blanket over his lap. 'You know how difficult you find it to read a book and enjoy it?' Sam said to Reid. Spencer stood at the bedroom door and nodded. 'Well that's what life is like for me. Every little thing. You have no idea what it's like. When you want to really enjoy something you have it read to you, or you read aloud or you look at graphic novels… I do the same sort of thing. It's not easy being able to do really simple tasks sometimes when my brain is sucking out information about every tiny molecule and how it's going to effect something else and how that rolls over and in turn makes changes to yet another thing. You know when I wash a floor I'm not just washing a floor; I'm calculating in my mind the different chemicals in the liquid. I make formulas in my head and work out every tiny detail. I have to switch it off. I have to be able to go out in the dark and not be doing calculus in my head and using the stars to make equations. It's all very well thinking that being able to do things like calculate the light speed travelling from one star to the next is good but it's a pain in the arse when you want to lay under the stars and make love and all you can think of is numbers spinning in your head. I have to switch it off. I cant put salt on a fry without coming up with some sort of crap in my head. I bury my mind in other things and sometimes I might come across as churlish and spoilt but that's just the obverse of everything else in my head. It's just how it comes out you know? I understand that it's Floyd you want. I really do understand that. I just don't seem to be able to form a relationship with anyone at all. It always goes wrong. I ask the wrong questions and people get angry with me and then I get angry back. I don't mean to push everyone away. I just want to feel wanted. I don't really care if I'm not loved. I know you don't really love me, not as a brother or a dog… I know that… as you said I'm not stupid but there's this button in my brain which gets pressed and it makes be believe that if someone likes you they give you gifts. Therefore if someone gives you enough nice stuff it must be because they really very much like you. Can you see what I mean?' Sam stood up and walked over to where Spencer was still standing. 'You gave me a lot of nice stuff today.'

'I see. I see where this is going and the answer is no.'

'I just want to be held! I want to feel that I'm liked.'

'You are liked.'

'By you?'

Spencer folded his arms across his chest. 'By Floyd. I need to sleep. Good night. We will talk more in the morning.'

'You cant do this! You cant mess with my head like this. It's not fair Spencer. I thought…'

'You thought wrong. You took my side arm. You broke into my locked box and took my gun. You went to see the priest. Now why would that have been? Why sneak out of the apartment with my gun? Do you have even the slightest idea of how that made me feel? I went to sleep last night holding you as you wanted. I gave you everything you requested.' Spencer paused and licked his lips. 'and then you did that. I cant trust you Sam. Why would I want to continue along the road we'd started when I cant trust you? It's not possible. You need to sort your head out. You need to work out if you want to be doing something you'll be admired for or if you want to carry on being a whore – which I assure you will not get you any admiration. If you want people to love you, you have to stop lying and accusing people of things just to make yourself feel less of a slut.'

'I'm not the only slut in this apartment.' Sam hissed back. 'It really didn't take much to get you doing what I wanted…'

Spencer walked through the bedroom door and slammed it shut.

'You bastard!' Sam shouted from the other side. 'You're the slut not me! It's why Floyd likes you… he only likes whores and sluts and slags… you ask him! You ask him if that's true or not!' The door got kicked a few times and then the apartment fell into silence.