Author's Note: This one's a bit shorter than last time, but I do plan on usually having longer chapters. As always, praise to the goddess Tammy for creating this world.

Chapter 2: I Can't Do This

"Okay? You…will?" Jon asked, stunned.

"Isn't that what I just said? You kept pushing it. Do you want me to say no?" Alanna said crossly.

"No, no, no!" Jon cried, putting his arms around her. "I just…" he paused, looking for the right words, "Thank you." He took her hand and kissed it fervently. "Thank you." She giggled at his silliness. He cupped her chin and brought his lips to hers. She drew back and they looked at each other.

Alanna studied his face, the face of the man she had just accepted as her future husband. Jonathan. Her eyes traveled over his coal-black hair, his blue eyes, his nose, his chin, his lips. She knew this face, better than her own. This was the face she'd look at every day for the rest of her life, when she got up in the morning and when she went to bed at night. Thinking of going to bed with Jon sent a shiver through her, but it wasn't the delicious shiver of anticipation; it was almost a shudder.

She placed a hand on his cheek tenderly, pushing the thoughts aside. He smiled at her. She felt warmth in her heart. See? You care for him, she told herself, ignoring the tiny thought saying this affection was not the same as it was for—no. She pushed that away. Jon looked as if he was going to say something when Gary burst through the door.

"Jon, you're needed—oh."

"Yes?" Jon turned nonchalantly towards Gary, who was eyeing the two of them suspiciously.

"I am sorry to interrupt whatever you and Alanna were, err, discussing, but I need you. There are at least five documents that need your signature, and then there is the Council of Lords—"

"Mithros, I forgot that was today. Alright, let's go. I'll see you later, Alanna." Jon and Gary charged out of the council room, leaving Alanna very much alone.

What in the name of the Goddess did I just agree to? Alanna stared at her hands, callused and used. These are not the hands of a queen, she mused. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she counted to ten, hoping to calm herself down. This not working, she began to pace.

Was she really going to marry Jonathan and become queen of Tortall? She remembered declaring she didn't want love and wanted to be a warrior maiden and do good deeds. "I don't want to fall in love," were her exact words.

Had she just agreed to marry Jonathan because she didn't want to end up a spinster? Was she that desperate for a man? No! She could hold her own in battle; she didn't need a man. Did she want one? Yes. Was Jonathan the man she wanted? Yes, she told herself. Jon loves you. He's said that.

Trying to satisfy herself with that answer was difficult. To distract herself, Alanna leafed through the different papers left on the table. A sketch caught her eye. Tugging on the corner, she pulled it out.

It was a rough drawing of Thayet.

She recognized it immediately as Jon's work. Alanna's heart sunk a little into her chest. How many times had he tried to draw a picture of the likeness of that witch Delia? Jon might have been a skilled knight, but art was not his strong point. All of the portraits of Delia had looked like pigs—though that might just have been the subject matter, Alanna thought. No, this one of Thayet was not the most flattering, but his sketches had improved.

Jon was in love with Thayet.

He lied! her brain screamed. Alanna felt her rage rush through her. He just told me, to my face, that he loved me. Alanna gripped her sword, ready to strike at something, anything. How dare he! She trusted him, was sacrificing everything to marry him—and yet, he didn't love her!

You lied to him, too. You don't love him, either.

The thought stopped her in her tracks. Her anger wasn't justified—she agreed to marry him because he said he loved her, not because she loved him. She, in turn, was at fault as well.

Could she continue the charade? Make Jon think she loved him? Maybe Jon had only proposed because he thought her still in love with him, and was trying to be a good friend. Maybe Jon had been turned down by Thayet. Maybe…

I can't do this, Alanna thought. I cannot pretend to love someone I don't. I can't do this to myself…and I can't do this to Jon.

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