Why Me? That is the Question!
AN: I do not own the character in this story only the story line. Some of the facts are based off of true life events. The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Please note that this story contains adult themed ideas. Not for anyone under 18.
Bella's English story is in bold italic.
I know this is getting out late but I had other things come up. The next update will be as soon as can finish it. I can't promise when it will be out I am sorry.
Chapter 4
"What are you talking about Alice? You look nothing alike so I know you are not twins."
"Bella the other thing my parents did was to adopt Edward and me when we were both really young. Bella you look like you are seeing a ghost again. What has he done to you that I don't know about?"
"He has not done any thing to me it just hard to explain right now. Just let him know if he asked about me that I only want to be lab partners and nothing else. I don't think it will come up but please do this for me. I promise I will explain everything when I can."
"Bella that is not a problem, but can you please stop turning so white so I can get your makeup the right color along with the coloring for your clothes when you go shopping this weekend."
"Alice I can afford a bunch of new clothes and I will not let you buy them for me either. You have been too good to me already."
"Please Bella just a few new outfits. I promise not to go over board just it has been to long since I have had anyone to go shopping with outside of Edward and Jasper."
"Alice who is Jasper, this is the first time I have heard of him?"
"I am so sorry Bella is he my boyfriend. His name is Jasper Whitlock. He is college already majoring in History. I only get to see him on holidays if I am lucky but we talk every day. I have a picture if you want to see it?"
"Sure Alice I would love too. Wow he is a looker you better hold on to him."
"Trust me I know and it doesn't help he has a southern drawl too. I had to beat the girls off of him last year but I trust him even if he is in college."
"So what school is he going to since you only get to see him on holidays?"
"He is attending University of Texas in Austin, TX. He wanted to be close to family but he hates being this far from me."
"So are you going to join him next year when you graduate?"
"We are planning on it but I will have to be willing to give up my family to be with him. I don't know if I am ready for that just yet. Jasper told me that he will wait even if it has to be five years down the road. He is just so perfect. But I have at least six to seven months to make up my mind. Oh, you have to meet him when he comes up for Christmas. He will be staying at my parent's home during the holidays."
"Your parents are let your boyfriend sleep under the same roof as you. Wow they must trust him a great deal. I would love to meet Jasper when he comes up. So what do you want to study after you graduate?"
"I thought you would have figured that one out by now. I want to go into fashion. My dream is to have my own line of clothes and make up. But I am willing to work any where in the fashion industry just to get my foot in the door."
"So Bella have you figured out what you will be studying next year?"
"I have two areas I want to study. The first in English; I really want to write my own book some day but I will more and likely teach it. The second is something in the medical field to help children who have become victims of crime. Maybe I can talk to your mom about it. What Esme does maybe the way I will want to go."
"She would love that. She feels that children that have been victimized need some one to stand up for them and show them the way. You will love her when you meet her and I think she will love you too. So I think blues are your color for clothes, but for make up natural is much better on you. You have a great figure. Why do you hide it under all of these clothes?"
"I will look forward to meeting your mom. I agree on the color blue and the make up too. I have never been one for bold colors for make up I think it makes some people look like clowns. As for my clothes I have reasons."
"Okay I won't push. Thank you for letting me have my fun with this make over. I think we should get some sleep so we don't fall asleep in class. Plus Charlie may let me spend the night more often."
"Kissing up to my dad already, I love it. I really enjoyed the girl talk; with Charlie it is hard and my mom and I really aren't talking right now."
"I am sorry to hear about that. I am here to listen any time you want to talk that for sure."
"Good night Alice and thank you."
"Good night Bella."
Alice woke me up way before I really wanted to get up. It seemed like she had already had three cups of coffee. Where does she get all of that energy? After we were both ready for school I made my way down to the kitchen to make breakfast.
"Good morning Dad; I would like for you to meet Alice. Alice this is my dad, Charlie"
"Good morning girls. Thank you so much Alice for staying with Bella last night. You are welcome in this house when ever you like."
"Thank you Mr. Swan. I just love being around Bella it's nice to have a best friend."
"Please Alice call me Charlie or Dad. Mr. Swan makes me feel old. So Bells what is for breakfast?"
"I was thinking pancakes and bacon. Is that okay with both of you?"
"Sure I love pancakes. I didn't know you loved to cook Bella."
"Pancakes work for me to Bells."
"Alice there is still a lot about me you don't know yet, but yes I love to cook. Do you want to help?"
"Love too, what do you need?"
Once everyone was filled Alice and I said good bye to Charlie as we head out for school. I took my truck and Alice took her car. It was odd not having someone to talk too. We made to school with about five minutes before the bell should ring.
"So Bella what are you do at lunch today?"
"I was thinking about going to the library to work on my paper so more why?"
"If you change your mind come find me in the cafeteria. If not I will see you class."
"I will think about it, if I don't I will see you class Alice. Thank you."
I really want to be able to spend time with Alice but I am afraid her brother will be there and I am not ready to face him more then in class if I can help it. I still can't believe they are siblings. Plus I need time to call Esme without others around. So it looks like lunch alone once again.
The morning classes went by faster then I wanted them too, but I think it is more fear then anything. I was taking a big leap by wanting to talk to someone outside my family about my past. Am I ready? That is the true question.
I figured the library would not be a good place to make a phone call so I walked back out to my truck and got it. It was cold but no one was around to hear me so I could talk freely I hope.
I took the card out that Alice gave me the night before and dial her office number. It rang twice when someone picked up.
"Good Afternoon thank you for calling Esme Cullen's office how can I help you today?"
In a whispered voice, "Hi, I would like to make an appointment to see Esme."
"Sure that won't be a problem. Would this afternoon work she has a cancellation around 4PM?"
"That time works for me but I will need directions I am new to this area."
Once I was given directions to her office and confirmed the appointment I set off to the library to work on my paper. It looks like I will not have time again this afternoon after school.
The library is quite just the way I like it. I sat down at the table in the back of the library and pulled out my notebook.
During the summer between ninth and tenth grade the Explores had a trip planned for California. I had to beg both my parents to let me go. Even though Charlie didn't live with us any more he was still very protective of me. Once he talked with the mentors he agreed since I would not be the only female. Renee was harder because she saw who was all going. In the end I won over Renee and I was able to go. The trip to California had three main stops for us. First was Six Flags, I really didn't want go but it is apart of the trip. Rollercoaster do not help my balance problem. The second stop is La Jolla beach; I was really looking forward to this day. The final stop is Disneyland; I love Disney and it will be the first time going without my parents so it should be fun.
As the trip was approaching Tommy was asking me if I would hang out with him while we were in California. He was like a brother I never had but he really liked me. Every event that we did together we were always attached at the hip. He also knew that I was not ready for any type of relationship. Although everyone in the group tagged us as boyfriend/girlfriend. I had to make sure Officer Mitch knew that he was only a friend and nothing more because he would tell Charlie for sure. In the end I told Tommy I would be happy to hang out with him during the trip.
On the drive from Phoenix to California I sat in the back of the van with Tommy. We talked most of the way and at some point I fell asleep on his shoulder. When I woke up I was wrapped up in Tommy's arms. He looked down out me with a smile. When I sat up he grabbed my hand and held it the rest of the drive. It felt nice but he has to know I see him as brother and that is it.
The next day was Six Flags. We were told to stay in groups and to meet at certain area and times through out the day. Outside of that we could go as we please. So my group was Tommy, Sarah, Shawn, and me. It was nice having one of the other girls with me but I know she really likes Shawn. So I knew she was going to be hanging off of him most of the day.
We all went are own ways and of course the guys wanted to go on the biggest and fastest roller coaster in the park. As we started to walk up to it I started to panic. I really hate roller coasters. Tommy noticed I was starting to slow down and looked at looked like I had seen a ghost or was going to be sick. He grabbed me hand and pulled me over to the side. "Bella are you ok?" He asked when he had me sitting on a bench just outside of the area of where the line starts.
"Tommy, I really don't like roller coaster because I have a fear of heights."
"Bella, I promise nothing will happen and I will not let go of you the whole ride how about that?"
"Tommy, thank you. You know you will have to do that for all of the rides if you want me to go, right?"
"Bella, I have no problem with that so let's go join the group in line ok?"
So with that being said we joined the others in line waiting our turn to ride. Right as we made it to the front of the line Tommy grabbed my hand and holding true to his promise he never let go.
Tommy was right by my side the whole day which was comforting but I was feeling he was reading into much more then that. I did have a great time with Tommy but it was like having my brother protecting me. I knew I was going to have to set him straight tonight during dinner that night.
While we were all out to dinner I asked Tommy if I could talk to him outside alone. I really didn't want to whole group to know what we were talking about. He agreed so we both went outside to sit on the bench outside of the restaurant. This way the mentors could still see us but could not here what was being said.
"Tommy, I really had a great day today. I want to thank you for helping me with my fear of heights. I really don't think I would have gone on any rides today. Now with that being said I have a feeling that you really like me. I know we have talked about this before but you have to understand that I only see you as my brother and nothing more. Please don't get me wrong you are a great guy but I am not looking for any type of relationship right now. Please tell me you understand and that we can still be friends because I really don't want to have to lose you as a friend over this?"
"Bella, I can't help what I feel towards you. You are a great girl and I really enjoy spending time with you. This is the first time we have been able to spend this much time together and not have to worry about the mentors watching us every step of the way. I really thought that was what was holding you back but I guess I was wrong. Bella I really don't want to lose your friendship either, but I will have to step back for now because I am to close. Please understand."
"Tommy I understand completely. When you are ready just let me know ok. And again thank you for helping me today it really help me enjoy today. I will miss being around you until then."
We both walked back into the restaurant and sat back down. Shawn and Sarah were both looking at us wanting to ask what was going on but didn't because of everyone else. I was thankful because I really didn't want to talk about.
When we got to the hotel we were staying at Sarah jumped on me as soon as the mentor left our room. She wanted to know everything. After she would not drop it for more then an hour I told her everything that happened with Tommy. She understood and told me everything would work out in time. I told her that tomorrow when we are at the beach she didn't need to hang around me she should spend it will Shawn. She really didn't want to leave me alone but I told her I needed to be alone. After awhile she backed off and agreed.
After breakfast we were all driven down to the coast. Just like at Six Flags we had set times we had to meet and was told we had to stay in groups again. Sarah looked at me and I nodded. It was to tell her that I was going to be close but not with the group. Thankfully they wanted to climb down the side of the pier to look at the tide pools so it allowed me to stay up top.
I really love the ocean. Beaches make me so relaxed and at peace. The way the waves crashing into the beaches and pull away with the tide. It like it is pulling all the bad stuff away leaving everything clean and new. I was wishing my life was that easy to clear away all the bad stuff.
So after I reach the end of the pier I sat down just looking out into the ocean getting lost in my thoughts. This was one of the few times that I have been alone is a really long time so I was able to release a lot of emotions that had been building up.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't hear John walk up behind me and sat down next to me. John looked over at me and noticed I was crying. He seemed so concerned and worried. I told him that it was nothing, but he knew that I was lying to him. John asked me if it was ok if he could just hug me to show that everything was ok and I didn't need to be crying. So I agreed to let him hug me. I know John has a girlfriend so I was not afraid and he was safe. He just held me until I finally stopped crying. He was perfect; he never pushed me into telling him what was wrong. I felt like I owed it to him. So I ask John if he really wanted to know what was wrong. John reply to me was only if you really want to tell me. By now I felt like I could trust him. He was a true gentleman, so I thought.
I began by telling him that I was not wanted and never could be wanted by any man. This confused him but he let me go on. I was damaged beyond repair. I push away everyone that ever cared about me and no one could ever love me since I was damaged. He stopped me and asked why I felt this way. He told me that I am beautiful, good looking and nice why would no one want you. Also what about Tommy you two seemed great together.
I was looking at him while he said all of this. His eyes seemed to change at the end when he mentioned Tommy. This was odd I thought, but pushed it away. I told him he didn't want to know. But he in return told me that if I change my mind he would be here. At this a put my head on his shoulder and started to cry. I would not ever tell him why because he is already taken and why would he want someone who is damaged anyways. He just held me again and not saying a word.
After everything he has done for me in these last few moments how could I not tell him. So after sitting back up I looked back into his eyes and saw that they were filled with nothing but love. I told him that I will tell you but if at any time you wished to get up and leave I would understand. With that I told him everything holding nothing back. He just watched me while I explained every thing and he just held me. Never once did he show any signs that he was discussed with me. John told me to remember that is was never my fault for what happened and never forget it.
That was when he noticed me rubbing my left forearm. He gently grabbed my hand away and noticed the scar. He was shocked and asked if I had caused the scar. With this I started to cry all over again. He just wrapped his arms around me pulling me into a tight hug telling me everything is going to be ok and he didn't think any less of me for what I did. I just cried until I couldn't cry anymore. At that moment he looked into my eyes and he kissed me.
I pulled away and dropped my head into my hands. Why me? He is taken, so why did he just kiss me?
As if he knew what I was thinking he pulled my chin up so I was looking right into his brown eyes.
"Bella, I have liked you since the first day I meet you. You never once looked at me in that way so I didn't say or do anything. I don't care for you any less now then when I first saw you. I would do anything to make you happy and to see you smile all the time. Me and Laura are over this was time for me to think about it but now that I have you I don't need to think about it any more."
My jaw dropped at this. I had not told him I wanted to be with him or that I ever liked him. Why would he want me of all people?
He leaned in and kissed my again, but this time I didn't push him away but kissed him back. All I could do was ask why? He just smiled and held me has we watched the sun set over the ocean. When we had to leave he helped me up and we walked back hand in hand. Tommy was not pleased because he had seen John and I kiss; so he didn't talk to me the rest of the trip.
The next day we were at Disneyland. John and I were always together joined at the hip and whole day. He made sure I always had a smile on my face and I was happy. We talked and had a great time. We were able to learn that we had a lot in common. We rode every ride together and shared every meal. I was really happy for the first time in a really long time. The whole drive back we were together. He made me feel safe; like no one would ever hurt me again.
Unfortunately the bell rang. So I jumped up and shoving everything into my backpack. I knew I was going to have to sprint to make it on time to class. I really need to pay more attention to the time next time.
I made it to class just as the bell was ring. I was flushed and out of breath when I sat down next to Edward. He just looked over at me and smiled. Class was more note taking again which meant I would not be able to talk with Edward. I really want to learn about his game. But at the same time I don't want to give him the idea that I want to hang around him either. I was so lost in my thought so I missed most of the class.
"Bella if you need to borrow my notes just let me know. I noticed you didn't take very many today."
"Thank you Edward I will let you know."
With that I made a dash out of the classroom. I was looking forward to seeing Alice again. To see if she said anything to Edward and to let her know I would be busy after school today.
As I ran into the classroom Alice was waiting for me.
"Hey Alice, sorry about lunch I had to work on my essay since I will be busy after school."
"It's ok Bella. Do you mind me asking what you are doing after school?"
"I have a doctor's appointment it's nothing to big."
"Oh, ok well if you want to get together after your appointment just give me a call."
With that being said the bell rang calling class to order. I hated lying to Alice but for right now I don't want any one knowing. But I do know I need to be able to talk to someone about what I have been through and how it is still affecting me to this day.
Again my mind was not into class and Alice noticed just like her brother.
"Bella, you know if you want to talk I am here when ever you need some one to talk too. I took really good notes so you can copy them later."
"Thank you Alice. As soon as I am ready to talk you will be one of the first people to know ok. Again thank you."
Well at least my next class will be easy now that I don't have to actually play the different sports. I really want to be able to tell Mike I am sorry even if he may be the type to deserve it.
Walking in to the gym I saw Mike talking with Jessica and Lauren. So I walked over to them.
"Mike, I am sorry about your eye. I really should have known better then even trying to swing at the ball. How is your eye by the way it looks really bad?"
"Bella, I am fine it will be healed in a few days. Would you like to hang out sometime after school to make it up to me?"
"Mike I will let you know but right now I am still trying to catch up with school work. I promise as soon as I have time we will see."
Just then Coach Clapp blew the whistle to start class. I was happy to see it go by so fast because I really am looking forward to meeting Esme. So when class ended I ran straight to my truck wanting to get to my appointment early.
The directions where easy enough to follow plus Forks isn't really that big. I got there with 30 minutes before my appointment so I sat in my truck for a few minutes calming my self down. I really hope Esme can help me or direct me down the right path. I really want my life back.
I signed in and filled out all the paperwork while waiting for my appointment. I was paying for this out of my own money but if I think this will work I will talk with Charlie to see if he can help out along with Renee. But I didn't want them to know yet. I called Charlie telling him I was going to be late getting home. He didn't ask questions which was good because I didn't know what to tell him.
Next thing I knew my name was being called to come on back.
Walking down the hall way my stomach started to feel like it was full of butterflies. I had to calm myself down if I was going to make it through this.
Esme's office was dark but calming, very welcoming. Esme was sitting behind here desk reading something when I was told to have a seat.
Esme is very good looking with a soft face that you can't tell her age, soft wavy shoulder length brown hair and the most calming eyes and welcoming smile. I felt at easy as soon as I looked into her eyes.
Esme told me about herself and what she does. She asked if I had any questions and I just shook my head no. Then she asked me to tell her why I had set the appointment.
I knew this was my time to tell everything but I wasn't ready for that.
"Esme thank you for seeing me today. I have just moved to Forks from Phoenix. I am sure you have heard a lot about me from your daughter Alice. But the reason I have come to you today is because I am a rape victim. I have never really told my whole story to any one but I know I really need help. I am not sleeping well and I have flash backs all the time. I felt drawn to you by just what your daughter had told me. I am not ready to open up completely but I am working on it. Plus I am writing my story for my English essay for school. I really want to have my life back since it has been over 7 years since it was my own. I really hope you can help me. Would you be willing to help me?"
Esme sat there for a few moments taking in every thing that I said. I was glad she didn't just answer right away it meant she was really thinking about it.
"Bella, I am glad you came to see me today. I think I will be able to help you but you have to be willing to open up and face it head on. I know it will be hard and I will be here for you. I also think you would do great in our support group we have. We have several girls your age in the group now and they all are working through their past just like you. You may find it helpful seeing you are not the only one going through this. What would you think about joining the group?"
"I think the group would be helpful but do I have to open up right away about everything? Also is everything in group kept secret because I am not ready for the whole world to know my story yet?"
"Yes, Bella everything talked about in group is kept a secret and trust me you are not the only one who doesn't want the world to know what has happened to them. As for opening up you don't have to open up the first day but I would like for you share some of your story within the first five group meetings. Would you be willing to do that?"
"I can work with that I think. What is it going to cost to be able to do all of this? For today I am paying but if I am going to be doing this long term I am going to be asking my parents for help. I really don't care about the cost to get better I just need the information to take to my family."
"The only time you will have to pay is when we have these one on one meeting here at my office. The group meetings there is no charge since the meetings are done at my house. Here is a break down of the cost so you can take it home with you."
"Thank you Esme. So when is the next group meeting?"
"The next meeting will be Sunday afternoon."
"I will really look forward to meeting the group. What about your family will they be able to see who comes and goes from the meetings?"
"No, the room we meet at is not attached to the main house and can't be seen by the main house either. As for my family they understand that many people in the group don't want to be known so they don't come around. If they need me we have an intercom. I take it Alice doesn't know and I know it is hard to open up to your friends."
"No I have not told Alice but I think she has an idea. She is a great friend and I do plan on telling her everything when I am ready. It will be nice to have someone to talk to about it when it is bothering me. Well I should get going and thank you for your time. I will see you Sunday."
"Bella it was great meeting you too. I think this will help you grow past your past and move on to your future."
With that I left the office feeling so much better. The drive home was easy and I was able to get dinner ready just before Charlie got home. After dinner we sat down and I told him where I was today. He seemed shocked that I would take that step but was grateful I wanted to get better. He was going to help me out covering the cost and would talk with Renee about it too. For once I felt like I was getting my life back I just hope it stays that way.
I really am looking forward to the group meeting and who knows I may open up sooner then I think.
Also thank you to all of you that have read this story if you like it please let other know it out here. Please let me know what you think or if there need to be any changes. Again I am sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. I am working on the fifth chapter now so I hope to have it up soon.
Also if you or someone you know has been a victim of rape; please help them seek help even if it is just you listening to what happened. Talking some times helps and it is one way to help with the healing and dealing process. Just be there for them.