Author's Note: I wish my name was Tamora Pierce and I could own a whole kingdom named Tortall with these incredible characters that I could create. Pity I don't have a fairy godmother.
Chapter 18: Or Forever Hold Your Peace
August 444 H.E.
"Mama! Where are we going?"
Alanna smiled at the twins. "We're going to visit Grandda and Grandma."
"Hooray!" cried Thom and Kally, easily appeased. Visiting their grandparents was always a treat, for both them and their mother. Alanna had planned this day, for their fourth birthday. They did not squirm as they were lifted onto the horses, Thom to sit in front of Coram, and Kally to sit in front of her mother. Alanna looped one arm around her daughter to hold her steady. It was difficult to sit straight forward while having to appear as if her saddle was a side-saddle. Her skirts fanned over the side of the horse, who wasn't Moonlight. But underneath, she wore breeches and sat astride. She'd perfected the skill of hiding it after the twins were born.
"You'll be back before sunset? Jon wants to have a birthday feast." Alanna nodded at Gary and squeezed the horse's flanks to get him moving. He was a gentle gelding, meant for dainty court ladies. But she did not argue with the choice of horse, knowing that she wouldn't be allowed to leave the courtyard if she fought it.
Kally chattered happily as she clutched the saddle horn, asking questions about what they'd do once they reached her grandparents' house. Myles and Eleni still lived in the city, though Eleni was removed from the rough and tumble section she'd lived in before. Alanna enjoyed visiting them here, as one enjoys a drink of water in the desert. The children could play, unwatched, and she could relax. Only today, she wasn't going to relax.
She grinned slightly, as she thought of the bundle tied to her back.
"I didn't think I'd be doin' this again, 'cept fer my own young'uns," grumbled Coram. He'd finally returned from watching over the Trebond fief. With her brother being rendered so weak and Coram's replacement getting caught embezzling, Coram had been sent back to oversee. He'd fought it, but had consented when Rispah had offered to accompany him. The gruff man had succumbed to the idea, and the two had spent the past years training an apprentice (an honest apprentice) in each other's company and in the company of their first child, Thomsen.
"You're glad of it, Coram. And think, this set of twins won't try to trick you."
"They better not," he replied.
"Ma, what do you mean? Who tried to trick Coram?" asked Thom.
Alanna giggled. "Your uncle Thom and I did. And we pulled it off, too."
"Did not. Ye only got as far as the first night's travel," Coram protested.
"That was far enough, wasn't it?"
"What happened?" piped Kally.
"Th' upstarts switched places on ole Maude an' me, when we was t' take them t' school. 'Cept Maude was in it th' whole time, she was."
Alanna laughed. "That's one way of looking at it. Kally and Thom, my father—no, not Grandda. My father was Lord Alan of Trebond, and my ma died giving birth to your Uncle Thom and I. Father was so sad about losing our ma that he couldn't take care of himself, much less a pair of twins. When we were ten, we were told we would be sent away. Uncle Thom was to go to Corus and become a knight. I was to go to the City of the Gods to be taught in the convent of the Daughters. Except neither of us wanted that. I wanted to become a knight and Uncle Thom wanted to be a sorcerer. So we made a plan that I would come to Corus and Uncle Thom would go to the City of Gods for sorcerer training. We got our old nursemaid, Maude, to help us."
"Our Maude?" asked Kally eagerly.
"Yes, your Maude," Alanna laughed.
"Maude had taught us how to use our magic and she said that she would aid us. So right before we left, she cut my hair short and Uncle Thom put on a dress." Here both children giggled. The thought of cross Uncle Thom as a little boy in a dress amused them greatly. "I went with Coram, and Uncle Thom went with Maude. After the first day, Coram realized that I wasn't Thom. He wanted to turn back around, but I convinced him not to. And so we came to Corus, and I was thought to be a boy."
"Called Alan!" The twins had heard the rest of the story, of how their mother had fooled everyone to thinking she was a boy, and worked hard, and made friends with Jonathan and Uncle Raoul and Uncle Gary and someone named George that they'd never met and Faithful and Aunt Thayet and Aunt Buri and Grandda and Grandma and all the adventures.
"Yes, called Alan," Alanna smiled. It was odd to hear that name again, to be honest. But she was glad that her children were proud of her. Kally especially enjoyed hearing about her mother could best all the boys, and asked for those tales often.
The children pestered Coram for stories of what their mother and uncle had been like when they were their age, and Coram told them of the time Alanna and Thom had stolen tarts from the kitchen and gave the tattle-telling cook hallucinations of lions. He was halfway through the story of how the children's godmother had tried to get old Lord Alan to marry her and how Alanna and Thom had made her believe the Trebond manor was haunted when they arrived at the gate of Myles' town house.
Eleni was at the door to greet them, and covered her grandchildren with kisses. Myles gave the twins a bear hug before giving their mother a kiss on the cheek.
"How are you, my dear?" he asked kindly, noting the new lines appearing on his daughter's face.
"I'm well," she replied, smiling. "How are you and Eleni?"
"She's more beautiful every day," Myles sighed, glancing at his wife out of the corner of his eye. Eleni heard him and blushed.
"Don't listen to him," she told her step-daughter. "He's as barmy a coot as always."
Myles grunted, but his eyes were merry. "Barmy I may be, but that's not what you said last night."
"My ears! My ears!" Alanna covered her ears with her hands. "I don't want to hear about it."
"Leave her alone, dear," Eleni laughed, linking her arms through her husband's. "The twins are already inside, and Goddess only knows what they've gotten themselves into."
They went into the house as Moonlight was attended by Myles' manservant. Coram nodded his head, reminded Alanna he would be back before sunset, and made his way back to the palace and Rispah.
The twins were engaged in some sort of game of their making, involving a tapestry, a bug, a shoe-horn, Kally's rope-belt, and Thom's shoe. Eleni gathered them up, and began to escort them outside for a picnic lunch.
"Coming, my dear?" asked Myles, offering her his arm. Alanna shook her head.
"I—I have to use the privy."
"I'll wait for you then."
"Oh no, you really don't have to. Go on," Alanna urged. She planned to change into her disguise and then slip out of the house unnoticed. She had quite forgotten that her father was Jon's new spymaster.
"I insist."
Sighing, Alanna hurriedly changed into the clothes she had brought with her. They were simple enough: plain breeches, jerkin, shirt, shoes. Most importantly was her cap, to hide her hair. Satisfied that unless anyone looked closer at her eyes they would not know that their queen and Champion passed them by, Alanna cautiously poked her head out of the chamber. No one seemed about. She closed the door quietly and began to tiptoe towards the door. Myles must have given up waiting for her. She was but a few feet from the door, when she heard someone clear their throat behind her.
"I'm assuming then that you are not staying today." Alanna turned bright crimson. Myles raised his shaggy eyebrows. "And what do you have that's so important that you'll leave your parents and children? And wearing those clothes?"
Alanna sighed. "Myles, I need to get out. I just need…to be away from it all. I love you and Eleni and the twins, but I miss being just myself. I didn't need an armed guard to walk through my city, and now…" She shrugged helplessly.
Myles smiled, understanding in his eyes. "Well, Jon would have my head if he thought I'd seen you sneak out and do nothing about it." He winked and strolled away down the corridor, towards the sound of happy children. "But," he called over his shoulder without turning around, "if I don't see you sneak out, then how could our most gracious king be mad at me?"
Alanna grinned as she slipped out the door. A cool breeze brushed her face gently, relieving the heat from the summer sun. Knowing that the guards had only just turned their backs on the house, she snuck down the road towards the heart of the market.
After two or three city blocks, she let herself relax and began to look about her. The city looked relatively the same, but she felt a new possessiveness about it. After all, she was queen of this city, this nation. Before she had thought she loved Corus, with its smells and its people and its sights and its sounds. But now that she knew just what it took to keep this town from crumbling into dust, there was a new emotion for it.
She dithered about here and there, buying apple-raisin patties, admiring the swords displayed in front of the forge. She remembered her first afternoon in the city, where she had gaped at everything and Gary had teased her. She laughed a bit to herself at the memory, back when she was Alan and life held so much mysteries and surprises around the corner.
What could she have said to her ten-year-old self, had the same purple-eyed disguised lass appeared in front of her, as she felt almost certain it could? Would she have told the child of her hard-fought path, and the victory at the end? Would she have spoken of Jon and their marriage? Would she tell the girl she would someday become queen of all she surveyed?
Alanna shook herself of the wistful thoughts, and soaked herself into the pulse of Corus. She passed the Dancing Dove longingly, but didn't dare enter. If the new Rogue recognized her, it would be bad. Even if George was still "Majesty" of the Rogue Court, she wasn't certain she could set a foot in there. So she continued, meandering among the people and market stalls.
She approached one stall where she saw intricately-designed wooden swords. She was drawn to them knowing her children would love them. She fingered one with intricate vines on the hilt, imagining Thom's delight when he unwrapped it on his birthday.
"An' what, good sir, can I do fer ye t'day?"
It was Alanna's turn, and she was startled for a second to be called 'sir.' But she recovered quickly and adopted a deeper tone to her voice.
"Yes," she said, keeping her eyes down, "I'd like to see about buying presents for my little ones."
The seller relaxed, as those do when people speak of their children. "How olds are yer little ones?"
"Four, a lad and a lass."
"Gods bless 'em an' ye," the woman intoned politely, before getting down to business. "Th' lass like pretty things?"
Alanna laughed. "She does, but she enjoys bashing her brother's head in just as much."
The woman cackled, and reached for something behind her. She showed Alanna a sword whose blade simmered as if it were metal, but it was only mage-spelled to look it. The hilt was a beautiful blue-purple color.
"It's beautiful, mistress," Alanna breathed. "Kally would love it."
"Yer daughter has th' same name as th' princess, gods bless her." The woman looked closer at Alanna. The red-shot eyes were shrewd, though the vocal tone was casual. "An' yer eyes. They be as purple as th' queen's, Goddess save her."
Alanna felt a tinge of panic, but held her own. "Nay, mistress. My daughter's name is Kally, but her given's name is the same as her ma's…Katalina. As for my eyes, well… I've a touch of Trebond in me. My mother was a distant cousin to the old Lord Trebond. Got none of the gold, but I got the eyes." Alanna hated lying, but what could she do? It would not do for the stall's owner to be shouting down the street that the queen herself purchased wares from her, especially with the queen still present. "I've heard it enough times from passersby."
The eyes stayed on Alanna's face, but the woman relaxed. "Pity ye can't work yer way int' th' queen's good graces? But th' lad? A present fer yer son as well?"
"George is his name," Alanna smiled, trying to put the suspicion the seller surely still held. "He'd want something more…tough. Manly."
The woman produced a sword similar to the other, mage-spelled as well, but this looked like a smaller version of the beautiful swords dangling from the forge down the way. There were no decorations or anything remotely unfeminine. Thom would think he'd gotten a real sword…until he smacked it too hard and it splintered.
"He'd love this," Alanna smiled again. "I'll take them both."
"Anythin' fer yer dears t' hold 'em in? They can splinter after a while."
The sheaths that the woman gestured toward were beautiful, inlaid with diamonds and rubies and sapphires. Alanna itched to run her hands on the leather, knowing that her children would be clamoring for them if they stood by her side now. But she knew that only rich merchants and nobles and royalty could afford these and the swords.
Alanna shook her head. "No, mistress. I cannot afford more, as much as I wish. Have you any plainer?"
The suspicious seller provided a box of cheap leather sheaths from beneath the cart. "These be free, take two fer yer young'uns."
Alanna paid the woman and took the wrapped toys. She turned, all right in her world, when she realized that someone else was attached to her. She looked up into the brown face of a cityman, whose hand was fist-deep in her purse.
Immediately Alanna began to shriek, forgetting her man's voice. She also threw her elbow up and smacked him right between the eyes. Stunned, the pickpocket withdrew his hand and turned and ran away, clutching at least a third of the coins Alanna had been carrying. The crowd that had witnessed the theft grumbled against thieves and laughed about how high a man could scream when startled.
"You shouldn't roar so loudly, Lioness. Or people'll know 'tis the queen who's been pick-pocketed."
Alanna spun, hand going to her belt where she had concealed several knives. "Who exactly do you think you are?" she demanded to the person who had laid their hand on her shoulder.
"An old friend of yours, lass."
She recognized the twinkling hazel eyes of George Cooper.
Her heart lurched. She almost threw herself into his arms, but checked herself. Queens couldn't do such things, even when excited to see their old friend.
"How are you?" she cried, drinking in the sight of him. He was just as tall as ever, and still lean and fit. His hair was streaked with gray, which surprised her, because she knew he wasn't that old. Also startling were the deep lines on his face.
"As well as could be. And you, Your Majesty?"
"Stop it!" she scolded. "Don't call me that."
"As you wish, my queen." He gave her a pretty little mock-bow, before directing her away from the people in case they overheard their conversation.
"I said stop," she said crossly. "You already said it wouldn't do for people to realize who I am."
"I suppose you're right," he agreed, giving her his familiar grin.
"How did you recognize me?" Alanna demanded as George took the packages from her arms.
He tapped his forehead. "My Sight still tells me when you're about. But I knew ye before you were a lass or a knight or queen," he reminded her. "I knew ye before ye donned skirts."
That sounded suspiciously like Alanna's heart when she had argued that George had loved her without seeing her in skirts, unlike Jonathan, but she pushed that nasty thought away.
"I forgot," she said simply. "How are you? How's life without the Rogue? How's your wife?"
George's face stayed in his smile, but lines deepened around his eyes and Alanna could almost detect his shoulder slumping.
"I'm doin' just as well as could be expected, lass."
Alanna gave him a look that said she wouldn't accept that answer.
"T' tell th' truth, lass, I don't like not being useful. I almost miss bein' Rogue, but with the way it's going, the city's rotting from the inside out. Claw's no proper king."
Alanna knew that, well enough. Jon had spent many late nights trying to figure out how to restore order now that people neither trusted King or Rogue. Rogue kept the people together, proper-like. With one who didn't care one whit, the downtrodden were panicking.
"Perhaps if you had gone to Jon, he could have found you something."
George gave her a queer look. "Jon offered me to be spymaster."
Alanna furrowed her brow. "Are you?"
George gave her a sidelong glance and shook his head. "Jon didn't tell you?"
It was Alanna's turn to shake her head. "He never breathed a word." Anger loomed on her brow, but she pushed it away. Jon had good reason not to tell her, and she would accept that. For now.
"Well, tell me what you've been doing in the city? What sorts of work?"
George looked side to side. "I'll not be spillin' details in the ear of the woman who sits on the throne. Not even if you pout at me like that. Let's just be sayin' that I'm working to take down this false Rogue. Secret-like, for it's my head and the head of my little ones if I challenge him outright."
"You've little ones?" Alanna asked, grasping the topic with both hands.
George had a real smile on his face, then. "That I do. My wife has given me my pride and joy. Evin's the eldest, but his sister Eilie is naught but a year younger. And Elina's expecting our third come spring."
"Congratulations!" Alanna cheered, though her heart was half in it. Evin and Eilie. Pretty names, she reckoned. Probably pretty children. A picture rose in her mind of a boy and a girl, both with George's quick hazel eyes…and her copper hair. Alanna forced that image away. She wouldn't trade her raven-haired children for the world…even if they could have been George's.
George thanked her proudly as any da would. They continued to meander along, up one street and down another, talking as they hadn't talked in years. At times the conversation was forced, but Alanna knew that this minimal dab of awkward was lucky. She reminded herself over and over that her former romantic feelings for him were over.
That stirring in her stomach meant nothing. That twang in her heart meant nothing. The weak feeling in her knees when he accidentally brushed her arm meant nothing.
But what meant something was that, once they were passed that first awkward stage, how easily they slipped back into being friends and confidantes. Alanna expressed her feelings of frustration as the Council of Lords tried harder and harder to drag Thomas and Kalasin away from their "unnatural" mother, especially Kally. When she explained that they didn't want a second Lioness, George's face grew dark and he shared in her indignation. But as a former king, he knew the delicacy of maintaining a balance. For Jon and Alanna, they had to remember that Corus wasn't built in a day, and George had had to remember that the Dancing Dove wasn't built in a day. George talked of how he felt useless, and how going straight hadn't necessarily made him happier. He confessed that he had always thought getting out of the Rogue would have been cleaner, how he planned to pass the throne to Marek Swiftknife and slip away from the whole business the same way he had snuck up on the Rogue King before him. He chose not to mention that he had planned to go when he had settled down with a certain red-haired knight.
They talked and talked and talked, of light things and dark things. The only subject they never touched was that of their own intertwined path, of their love. It was better that way, Alanna knew. She could still enjoy George's company the way it used to be before he'd gone and kissed her and tilted her world upside down.
"Goddess," she swore when she saw the sky streaked with orange and pink and purple. "I'm in trouble now."
"What for? Not wearin' silk today?" George teased.
"No," she scowled, giving him a playful shove. "I'm supposed to be back at the palace with Kally and Thom now."
"Even the queen's got a curfew, eh?"
"More like a leash, but what can I do?" she shrugged.
George did not respond to this, but she could hear his voice in her head. You could fight it, lass. They neared Myles' house, and Alanna could hear the faint bubbling of childish laughter.
"Well, here you are."
"Here I am."
They stared at each other, not sure of what to say. Neither wanted to leave, but they knew they'd need to move eventually.
"Well, I'd best head home. Elina'll be wantin' me to help make supper and put th' young'uns to bed."
"Oh, I suppose you'd better hurry. Pregnant women have worse tempers than angry lionesses."
George laughed. "We've heard the stories about you, lass."
"All tales. Believe none of it. I was meek as a lamb."
"And as round as a bear."
Alanna laughed, a great belly-shaking laugh. She hadn't laughed this way in a long time, and yet today, she could barely stop. He handed her the presents she'd bought for her children and she looked up at his face wistfully. "Oh, George. It was wonderful to see you." She hugged him impulsively. It was only meant to be a good, hard hug, to thank him for his friendship, but when his arms went about her, she never wanted to move again. A distant, high-pitched squeal from one of her children told her that she'd have the scolding of a lifetime if they weren't behind the palace walls once more. Reluctantly, she moved away.
"Please say you'll come visit soon. I've missed you," she begged.
George's face was cautious. "I don't…know that I can do that," he admitted, as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"If you can't come to the palace, we'll come here to Myles'. I want to see you more often."
"Alanna, it's not that I don't want to see you…" he began.
"What is it?" She frowned. Why was he being so difficult?
"I just…don't think I could handle it." His words came all out in a rush. "It's been more than a year without seeing you, and in less than a day, I've fallen in love with you all over again."
Alanna could not find any words and stood staring at him. George's face was unwavering. He'd never been one to regret what he'd said. Even, now, she felt his words in her bones. She was surprised that he loved her still, but what shocked her more was the thumping of her own heart. She had felt feeling for him trill through her all day, but had kept it inside, pretending it didn't exist.
George turned to go, to hurry home to his wife, the woman Alanna envied above all others. This could be your last time seeing him, her mind told her. Say something or forever hold your peace.
"George!" she called. He turned around. He had only gotten a few feet, but Alanna closed the distance, wanting to be as near to him as possible. Her heart beat wildly as they stared at each other. Former Rogue to Former Knight.
"Yes?"
Alanna had forgotten that she'd wanted to say something.
"I just want you to know… I—I made the…biggest mistake of my life saying yes to someone besides you."
His eyes widened, but she turned and ran away before she could see any other reaction. Before she could say anything else.
Well? What do you think? Let me know!