Author's Note: Hey all! So sorry that it's been a while. Besides all the homework I've got, I really struggled with this chapter and am not 100% pleased with it, but I can't even look at it anymore. Thank you so much for your reviews! You have no idea how much they mean to me!

Just a refresher, in case you forgot, my name is not written on the birth certificate of Alanna of Trebond.

Chapter 20: Their Kind of Love

January 445 H.E.

She'd gone to Eleni immediately after visiting Thom and Eleni had confirmed what Thom had said—Alanna was pregnant again.

This time, determined to have her freedom for a little while longer, Alanna told no one of her pregnancy. Not Buri. Not Thayet. Not Jon. She wanted to keep it to herself, knew she needed time to truly understand that she was going to bring another child into this world. There was no question of her keeping it, but she was tired of feeling like she could no longer stand on her own feet, that she had no say. Once word was out that she was pregnant, she would be smothered with attention. Her battles as Champion were fewer and fewer as the nobles accepted her reign.

So she swore Eleni and Thom to secrecy, and continued with life as usual. But after four months, it was beginning to show and at Faithful's urging, Alanna approached Jon.

"Jon, we need to talk."

Jon swung his head, looked at her, and said "No."

"Excuse me?"

"You cannot take Kally and Thom and visit the Bazhir."

"What?"

"I've heard the rumors. You want to take our children to the Bloody Hawk and have them become members of the tribe. I say no."

Alanna rolled her eyes and screwed her hands into fists to try to resist the urge to slap him. "If your head was screwed on right, you'd remember that since both you and I are tribe members, Kally and Thom are as well. And you'd remember that I'm not stupid and wouldn't dream of that. They'll go to the Bloody Hawk with us when we make the Grand Progress."

Jon sighed and nodded his head in defeat. "Sorry," he said. "I'm just…"

"Busy. I know. You always are."

"Are you complaining about that?" he snapped.

"No, Jon. Mithros, I'm not here to make you angry. I had some news that I thought you'd like to hear."

"Unless you're here to tell me that that new Scanran chief has been killed, or that the emperor of Carthak isn't about to launch an invasion against Tyra, there isn't anything else I want to hear."

"Fine. Then I won't tell you that I'm pregnant again."

It took Jon a minute to process this. He stared at her, his mouth hanging open in shock. "Really?"

"Really."

He watched her for a minute, eyes narrowed and cautious.

"And are you okay with this?"

"Jon, it's not like I'm going to rip it out of me. It's unexpected, but it'll be fine. I love Kally and Thom, and I'm sure I'll love this one too. Though, hopefully, no surprise twins this time." Alanna tried to sound casual, but her voice was choked and shaky.

"You don't sound like it's fine," Jon noted.

"Jon, it's fine. End of discussion," Alanna snapped.

Jon shrugged. If she wasn't going to be honest with him, he wouldn't push her. It was too much effort sometimes. He smiled at her. "We're going to have another baby, are we? We'll have to think of names." He carefully reached out and tentatively began to caress her stomach. He frowned, noting the baby bump. "How far are you along?"

Alanna paused. "Four months, or so."

"Four months?" Jon gasped. "You've been pregnant for four months and you haven't told me? You just found out, right? You didn't keep this from me?"

"Well," Alanna began in a small voice, "I didn't know until the end of October. So I've only known for two months."

"And you didn't tell me?" Jon's temper rose.

"I didn't want to bother you."

"Bullshit, Alanna! It's my child! …Unless it isn't?"

The redhead rolled her eyes. The only man she'd gone to bed with for the past six years was Jon. She'd kept her vow of fidelity; she knew that Jon had to.

"Don't be stupid. Of course it's yours," Alanna snapped, her own temper lost. "I was scared, dammit. The first time, it went well, but what about last time? Gods bless, I can't do that again, Jon. I can't!" Embarrassed by the tears that sprang to her eyes, she buried her face in her shaking hands.

Calmer, Jon took her into his arms, slowly stroking her hair and back in soothing circles. "It won't happen this time. It won't."

"How do you know?" she cried, her voice close to a wail.

"We'll have Baird and Numair and your brother and Eleni and all the best healers there. Nothing can go wrong."

"But they were there last time!"

"Alanna, it won't happen. Everything will be alright. I just know."

Alanna pulled her head away from his chest. "You know? What good is that going to do me? You're a king, Jon! Not a god!"

"I never said I was a god! I was just trying to comfort you, gods dammit!"

"Empty words don't help!"

"What do you want me to say? 'It might be okay'? 'The baby might live'?"

"No! But you could think of something more real for me to believe! Because right now, I've got nothing real to depend on!"

"What am I? Stormwing shit?"

"You're too busy, remember?"

"Not for my own child! I would give the world for them!"

"But for your own wife!" Alanna's temper sparked into a flame. All the stress, the pain, the irritation with her life poured forth feeding the wildfire of anger between the two of them. "I know you don't love me, but could you stop making cow eyes at Thayet long enough to notice that your wife is pregnant?"

"You hid it! How was I supposed to know?"

"If you even bothered to talk to me or ask me how I was! If you noticed me, you would have known that there were things bothering me!"

Jon's temper burst from the embers "Oh, and you spend so much of your time trying to talk to me, worrying about me. You are either off practicing swordplay you don't use or nannying the twins!"

"That's because you're too busy running the kingdom!"

"Which is my responsibility! It's a little bit important!"

"Well, my responsibility is to fight anyone who challenges your laws and to take care of my children!"

"Our children!"

"Are they your children? Have you spent more than five minutes with them recently?"

"Alanna, I'm busy!"

"That's your excuse for everything!"

"Well, it's the only one I've got! Mithros, do you think that I like watching them from a distance? Don't you think that I want to grow up with my little ones and not just watch them from my office? Goddess, Alanna! Do you think I like watching from here as Thom and Kally ride their ponies? I want to be the one that catches them when they fall, not just watch you!"

Alanna gazed at Jon, whose chest was rising and falling, his arms flung open. She knew how much he did for the life outside their palace, but she didn't realize that he wanted to be involved in their family. She had thought he was too busy, had them lower on his priorities. Immediately she felt remorse for attacking him. But she couldn't apologize, because she knew she was right too.

It was hard when both of them were right.

"What if it's a girl, Jon?" She lowered her voice, tried to make it gentler.

"What?" He had not been following the same train of thought she had; he was still caught up in the heat of their argument.

"What if the baby is a girl?"

"Then she's a girl. We'll love her the same as if she was a boy. What are you trying to ask, Alanna?"

"And then when she wants to try for her shield, will she be allowed?"

"Allowed? I changed that law. Women are allowed to study for knighthood."

"If she wants to be a knight? Will she be allowed to? Will you let her go? Or will she be like Kally?"

"Kally is four!"

"And the Council has already made contact with three other monarchs about possible marriage alliances!"

"That doesn't mean she will marry one of them! This is what happens to royal children!"

"Royal daughters."

"That is not true. I had arranged engagements to…," Jon paused, not having shared this information before. "But they fell through."

"Who?"

"That's none of your business." Alanna crossed her arms. If she had been wearing a dress, it would have looked like a pouty woman. But because she was in her tan breeches, doublet, and jerkin, she looked like an irate warrior. A purple-eyed lioness, Jon thought. He sighed. "Josiane of the Copper Isles. A second-ranking princess from Yamani." Softly, he added. "Jian Wilma's eldest daughter."

"Thayet?" Alanna asked softly.

Jon nodded, but wouldn't make eye contact with her.

"You were engaged to Thayet? When?"

"I was eleven. It was before I met you."

"Or her."

"Or her," Jon echoed, looking out the window.

Alanna didn't know what to say. She wanted to reach out and hold Jon, but she still wanted to shake him. He was just as, if not more so, responsible for their marriage as she was. Alanna hadn't considered how much Jon truly longed for Thayet, but she was remembering her longing for George.

"Jon…"

"Alanna. Stop."

"I didn't mean—"

"I know."

Alanna watched Jon, hating that the pity and empathy that stirred in breath, hating that she hated it. There were lines around his blue eyes, lines she knew were mirrored around her own.

"Jon, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this about you and Thayet."

"You didn't? Are you sure? I have never said anything to you about George. But here you march in, telling me you're pregnant and—"

Just when Alanna had thought she was calmer, Jon's words ignited the embers again and she roared back into the fire of anger. "Gods curse it, I meant to make it about our daughter! You had to go and tell me you were engaged to Thayet! No wonder you've been wallowing in self-pity for all these years! You just sit there and picture what your life would have been like if the engagement had held. Wake up, Jon! I'm your wife, whether we like it or not. And I'm pregnant with your child and we have two other children, one who cannot become a knight despite the fact that her mother is the first female knight in centuries and her father is supposed to be this great reforming king!"

Jon stared at Alanna. Her heated words drew a similar response in him; he wanted to scream back, to burn her up. He gathered his retort in his mind, ready to blast, but looked into her eyes. There was a fire burning there, but it was not the wildfire he expected, knew. This was a desperate flame, still burning brightly, but it was fighting the elements. It was threatened, struggling to stay alive, to stay as it should be, as it wanted to be. He could see the water threatening to spill over, to douse the fire. With dread, he knew that if that fire was truly drowned, he would never see it flicker again. Alanna was fighting to keep her own fire alive, to keep herself from drowning in the world she had locked in herself into.

For the first time in a long time, he remembered that he would not be able to live without that fire.

He tried to breathe in slowly, to calm his own mood. He picked one thing from her litany to respond to.

"You want Kalasin to be a knight?"

Alanna's mouth set. "Yes…and no. I would love for our daughter to become a knight, but more importantly, I want her to have a choice."

"A choice?" said Jon as if he wasn't sure he understood the word.

"Yes, a choice. She, and anyone, should be allowed to choose—if she didn't want to ride horses or wield a sword, she should be permitted to say that. Jon, I understand that she is a pawn in the great political scheme. But she's also your daughter. Why can't she learn to fight? She would have to learn both—how to be a proper lady and how to fight. I sort of wished I had learned court etiquette from a lady's perspective; I still make so many blunders."

"I'll think about it," Jon promised, filing it away for when it would become urgent. "And by the way, you don't make too many blunders," he added kindly.

She just sighed. "Thinking about it" wasn't a solution, wasn't a guarantee, but she was so tired of arguing.

"Alanna, I'm sorry."

She didn't look up. "Why? I'm the one who yelled."

"For forgetting what you mean to me. You are my wife, and though I… though we're not… I do need you. I told you before: you are my sword arm. Without you…"

"You'd have only have one arm." Alanna met his eyes and saw his sincerity in his attempt to reconcile.

He touched her shoulder tentatively and she placed her fingers on his.

It was an acknowledgement. It wasn't a resolution or an agreement, but acknowledgment was a start. They went from hate to friendship and back again with astonishing speed. It made Alanna's head hurt. She just wanted something familiar. She was hit by the sharp pang of missing life as Alan, something that hadn't gone away since her duel with Dain of Melor.

She wanted to talk to him, truly talk to him. About their children, about Tortall, about their friends, about Thayet. She wanted to ask him if seeing Thayet made his skin tingle and his stomach twist in knots and his heart leap and fall, enjoying her presence while knowing that he could never have her. She just didn't know how to approach the topic.

"So we're going to have another baby?" he asked, after several moments of silence. His thoughts had not gone down the same path as hers, but it was safe subject.

"We really are," Alanna said.

"Who'd have thought, Lioness? Another cub."

"Mhmm."

They sat again in silence, the space between them a strange mixture of tension and comfort.

"I would have never thought you'd give birth again."

Jon seemed to be trying to fill the void by conversing on this relatively light subject. But for some reason, the comment jarred in Alanna. She wanted to be away from him, hitting something.

Standing up quickly, Alanna kissed Jon's cheek. "At least I'm good at something these days. Just think: if I die, you can marry Thayet. I even give you permission before my corpse is cold."

Ouch. Alanna immediately saw the effects on Jon's face. His eyes widened, taking in the idea. For a moment, it appealled to him and that hurt, like a knife in her breast. But then, she could see the disgust on his face at thinking it, his inner struggle on loathing himself for wanting it. The battle raged on his face, turning it a mottled red. His eyes were like a wildfire, trying to burn in so many ways at once that it was spreading itself thin. If pushed to much further, it could burn itself up. Alanna's heart squeezed to think of what it would be like for his fire to die, to wither up from lack of kindling or land to feed off of. He was fighting to keep his fire burning under control and not let it rule him.

If that fire raged, she knew that she, as well as this kingdom, would be lost.

Without another word, guilt sitting in her breast, Alanna took herself out to the practice court, where she found Buri. Buri was eager for a sparring partner. They picked up the heavy practice swords, and soon began to have at each other, their white breaths swirling around them.

Alanna knew Buri's skill and methods like her own, for the K'mir had been Alanna's partner now for three years, both of them desperate to keep themselves in shape as they languished around the palace. They had been pounding each other for an hour, much to the cheers of the gathered King's Own, just back from liberating a town of a nasty centaur problem.

"Alanna! Alanna!"

She could hear her name being called, but didn't dare look around for fear that Buri would disarm her. Buri swung her sword in the crescent moon formation, and Alanna blocked it and swung the two blades around. Buri managed to hold on to hers, unfortunately, but it gave Alanna enough time to switch from defensive to offensive. She had just swung her blade downward when a figure burst in between the two of them. Recognizing Thayet, Alanna pulled back just before striking her squarely on the forehead.

"What," she panted, "do you think you're doing?"

"My lady," yelled Buri, "that was utterly and pathetically stupid!"

Thayet paid no heed to Buri or the King's Own Commander who had approached, but turned on Alanna. "What do you think that you are doing?" she screamed.

"I think I am sparring with Buri. What do you think you're doing? You ought to know better than to jump in the middle of battle!"

"You ought to know better than to be sparring while you're with child!" Thayet screamed.

Everyone immediately fell silent.

"Pregnant again, Lioness?" asked Raoul, the corner of his mouth turned up.

"Yes, you big oaf," Alanna rolled her eyes.

The men chorused their congratulations, cheering for their queen.

She waved to the men, smiling for their benefit, but when her eyes returned to Thayet, they were cold. "Yes, I'm going to have another baby. But my stupidity in that regard does not mean you should be stupid and almost get killed. Jon would not hesitate to behead me if anything were ever to happen to you, Thayet jian Wilima." Thayet blushed, Alanna noted. "But listen. I am not going to be pampered for the next few months. I'll exercise still, because that's all I have left. I won't do the complex dances or movements, but you can't take it all away from me this time. It's my last happiness; don't take it away."

Thayet nodded, knowing Alanna would not be persuaded otherwise. Her dark eyes were wide from the harsh tone the queen had used. She'd witnessed Alanna's anger before, but it had never been directed at her. Alanna turned on her heel and stalked away.

Buri, still shaken, shook her head at her mistress. "You shouldn't have done that."

"She's right, Thayet." Raoul grinned fondly at Buri for a moment before turning back to the exiled princess. "All three of you could have gotten hurt. All four," he corrected himself.

"I'm sorry. It was foolish of me," Thayet sighed. "I just want what's best for her. I guess I got used to her listening to me, and I don't want the baby to be hurt. She was so lost after the miscarriage—"

"Miscarriage?" chorused the two warriors.

Thayet looked down at her feet. "About two years ago, Alanna got pregnant, but she miscarried before it went full term." To their questioning looks, Thayet added: "It was a boy. Jon named him Jasson and had him buried quietly. Alanna doesn't know he was named; she didn't want to know. She's taken it hard, and she won't let anyone see it. I'm only trying to protect her. It's just so hard to protect someone who won't be protected." With that, Thayet threw up her hands and hurried away.

Raoul turned to Buri. "Did you know?"

Buri shook her head. "I only heard rumors, but I never knew for sure. Poor Alanna."

Raoul nodded in agreement, watching the retreating figure of Thayet. "Is Thayet herself well?" he asked.

Buri laughed weakly. "Thayet would be angry to know you thought her otherwise, but…" She paused, hating to reveal secrets.

"But?" pushed Raoul.

"I think you deserve to know more. I mean, with your broken betrothal and all."

Thayet had finally agreed to Raoul's suit and the wedding had been arranged. But five months before she was due to march down the aisle and be instated as Lady of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak, Thayet had broken it off without word of why.

"No offense, Goldenlake, but she decided she couldn't marry someone and not love him."

"I see."

Buri figured that the reason for the big man's silence was heartbreak. "I'm sorry, Raoul," she said softly. "Thayet's not been herself lately. For a while, she was so happy to be here, no longer jian Wilima's daughter. Or even Kalasin's daughter. She loves being involved in government. The king finally got her into his advisors, and they're always together. But now…I don't know what to do."

Raoul furrowed his brow. Jon and Thayet always together? He wasn't heartbroken like Buri thought, but he didn't like the idea of Thayet constantly with the king. It wasn't that he didn't like Thayet being involved—contrarily, he thought Thayet was intelligent and perfect for that sort of role. But he had known of Jon's crush, prior to his marriage to Alanna.

"Don't worry, Buri. Thayet's got a head on her shoulders. She'll come back."

"She may," the little K'mir allowed. "But she won't come back to you."

"I know, and I'm alright with it. Truly I am. She would hate my grandmother. And my grandmother would hate her."

"Would she, now?" Buri laughed. Thayet had a way with the older generation, which probably had something to do with her beauty and her kindness.

"Come to think of it, so would you. But I don't care as much about what that she-dragon would think about you."

"Ouch, Goldenlake. Don't spare my feelings." It stung more than a little, Buri admitted only to herself. Just because I'm not beautiful.

"Oh, Buriram Tourakom. I didn't mean it like that." Raoul's eyes were helpless, as he tried to think of an adequate response. "I'd kiss you right now actually, if it weren't for the fact that my men are fifty yards behind me, and would never let me forget it for the rest of my life."

Buri's cheeks warmed and her heart skipped a beat. "Well then," she told the big knight. "I suppose that means you'd be ashamed of me." Her brown eyes snapped good-humouredly, invoking a challenge. It was familiar territory, their verbal sparring, but now with different weapons—flirtation and, maybe, love.

Raoul threw back his head and laughed. "You win," he said as he lowered his face until it was level with hers. "You win," he whispered again as he kissed her softly. Cheers and wolf-whistles from the King's Own echoed through the crisp air.

-x-x-x-

"I'm sorry."

Both women stared at each other, and then burst out laughing.

"I really am sorry though," Thayet said once they had calmed down.

"So'm I. I shouldn't have lost my temper."

"I shouldn't have acted like your mother."

They smiled at each other, friends again. Alanna gestured Thayet inside her receiving chamber, where a hot pot of tea sat. Alanna had changed into a loose-fitting gown. Silently, Alanna poured tea, and they drank the hot sweet liquid.

"How are you?" they asked, in unison again. Thayet motioned for Alanna to answer the question first.

"I'm well," Alanna replied stoutly. "Nothing new, beside this." She gestured at her stomach, which at four months was only a little bit of bump.

"I'm doing well, too," Thayet said, too cheerfully.

"That's good to hear." Alanna's head bobbed back and forth as she debated asking Thayet a personal question.

"You look as if you want to say something, Your Majesty."

Alanna frowned. "You've never called me that before. Don't start now."

"Sorry," Thayet said quickly. "I don't know…why…I did that."

"Thayet, what's wrong?" Alanna's voice was gentle and low, the way she spoke to her children. Suddenly, Thayet burst into tears, a very uncharacteristic thing for her to do.

"Oh, Alanna! I didn't ask him to do it! I mean, oh I wanted him to, but I just…I shouldn't have let him. He's not mine! Oh, forgive me, forgive me!"

"Calm down, calm down." Alanna was alarmed. Kally and Thom threw temper tantrums, but there had always been a nurse to help settle their woes. Alanna usually botched it. "I don't understand what you're saying when you blubber."

"He kissed me, Alanna! He kissed me! Oh, I'm sorry!"

"Who kissed you?"

"Jonathan!" Thayet's pretty face dove into her hands.

Alanna sat back in her chair and laughed. Thayet, alarmed, raised her head. Jonathan had, in the middle of a conversation, had looked up at her soulfully and, without warning, had kissed her. She'd kept it hidden for days and had been wracked with the guilt of betraying her friend. She had not expected Alanna to laugh. This was Alanna's husband they were talking about! The man who was supposed to cleave only to Alanna for the rest of his life!

Alanna had a mixture of emotions. One was relief, that this was all Thayet was upset about. One was anger, because she'd restrained herself from kissing George…last time. One was just confusion, because she realized that she should be jealous, and wasn't at all.

She realized now why Jon was even less in control of his thoughts of Thayet: knowing what it was like to kiss her, restraining himself...

"So that's why you broke your engagement to Raoul."

Thayet blushed. "Yes, I suppose it is. I didn't think he'd want someone who'd—"

"Who'd what? Been kissed by the king?"

"…Yes."

"Oh, Thayet, Jon's been in love with you for years."

"Excuse me?"

Alanna nodded. "You heard me."

"But—but I don't understand! You—he loves you!"

"He loved me. Past tense. But the moment he saw you, he was head over heels for you."

"Why did he marry you then?"

"Because you kept cutting him down. When he'd try to talk to you, and you would talk about me? He was trying to get around to courting you. I almost told you that day."

"I ruined your life!" Thayet wailed.

"You didn't ruin my life. You altered the course a little. But I got Kally and Thom out of it, and I wouldn't trade them for the world."

"Why did you marry him if you knew all that?"

"I've been asking myself that for the past five years. I guess the pressure got to be too much. From Jon, from myself, from everyone." Alanna chuckled wryly. "Jon's pretty persuasive when he wants to be. He convinced me we had our 'own kind of love'. And I thought George had forgotten me…"

"George? George Cooper?" Thayet said in disbelief. "The former Rogue? You were such a cute pair."

"Thanks."

"Oh, Alanna, I'm so sorry. I…I think … I'm in love with Jon," Thayet admitted as she examined her flawless hands. "I'm sorry! Oh, this is awful, but it was almost easier when I thought you loved him."

"Loving him isn't a crime," Alanna said. "It's not listening to yourself that's the true crime here."

Raoul and Buri needed a little lovin'. They don't have to be miserable! Just Alanna and Jon and Thayet and George. Tehe.