A/N: Most of the reviews from the last chapter had the words " poor Carlisle" in them - I do apologise for being so mean to him :P Shall we see how Bella feels after her little outburst?

Realisation

Out of habit I headed straight for Edward's room, slamming the door behind me and sprawling myself out on the floor. I was panting heavily, even though I had no need for breath. My mind was overflowing with thoughts and my heart brimming with emotion. I felt like I didn't belong in my own skin because everything was so strange and new. Anger and confusion coursed through my body but none of it felt real to me, everything was so detached.

Every cell in my body was struggling to accept this new me. I could feel my vampiric nature fight against every last ounce of my humanity and for the first time I became aware of my ravenous hunger. My throat was on fire, crying out for sustenance, and I felt my nostrils flare, desperately searching for that oh so delicious scent of blood. My hands clasped around my neck in a pathetic attempt to ease the inferno blazing in my throat. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself, I hummed quietly - I quickly realised that only made it worse! - and I even began rolling neck movements frantically trying to rid myself of the thirst.

Nothing worked and so I lay back staring at the ceiling in Edward's room, a place which had once offered me so much comfort had now become my prison.

What had he done to me? My life was in tatters, I was young but exhausted and even though the stretch of life that lay ahead of me as a human seemed too long at least then I had the promise of death. In truth I was only still alive for Charlie's sake; happiness had long since abandoned me and I just wanted out.

Then I became this! This creature, this monster, this demon! I could not help but be angry!

But then a face drifted into my mind, handsome and friendly wearing a familiar smile -the face of Carlisle Cullen. At the mere thought of him my anger began to abate and I felt a sense of ease wash through my body. I felt my true self was starting to re-emerge from her black cocoon, albeit slowly.

Even in the most perpetual darkness he brought light. He was the epitome of goodness.

My stomach knotted as I thought of him, or more accurately, as I recalled what I had said to him.

"I only kissed you because I thought it might remind me of him. I kissed you hoping to feel what Edward made me feel."

Who was this girl who spoke those words? They felt so foreign to me and yet I had said them. Something deep within me had caused me to lash out at a man so compassionate he would put even the kindest heart to shame.

I was angry at him for forcing this hell upon me but my reactions were so disproportionate to my feelings - I was completely unhinged.

There was no denying that a rather despicable part of me, buried in the shadows of my heart, did encourage me to kiss him to bring back everything Edward made me feel.

But it was so much more than that.

The tension between us that night we kissed was palpable. A heavy air of unspoken desire hung thickly around us and his words washed over me, cleansing me from all my pain. His eyes bore into the very depths of my soul and I knew there and then that we were kindred spirits. My feelings for Carlisle had crept up on me so gradually and silently over the years that I had no idea what to do with them. My body, however, responded in the way it knows bests, urging me to press my lips to his.

As I remembered that first tender moment when our mouths met I pressed my hands to my lips, a poor substitute for the real thing. What I felt for him ran so much deeper than the love between a father and daughter.

But still I could not figure out what those feelings were.

Lost in my memory I suddenly realised that he had not moved from the spot where I left him - there was no pacing, no shuffling, no chasing after me. He sat there motionless and lifeless, just like he did for months right after we lost Esme and Edward.

I was repulsed by what I had said to him and yet there was still a part of me so angry at him that I thought he deserved every word!

No matter what my feelings for Carlisle were how could I betray Edward's memory in such a way? Or dear Esme, the woman who loved me as though I were her own flesh and blood.

I tried to focus on them and push all thoughts of Carlisle out of my mind but it was hopeless. It's like when someone says to you " don't think of a red balloon" - clearly it's the first thing on your mind.

I could feel the anger rise within me again, bubbling just below the surface but something was holding it back, something stronger. Love? I had always believed that I would never love again because Edward was my destiny and the only thing love ever taught me was that it hurts… a lot!

However all the evidence was there.

Over the years since Volterra I had rarely visited the Cullens but when I did I found myself actively seeking out Carlisle's company. If Alice was out or busy I would often sit with him in his office, where we shared our love of literature and sometimes he would even select a book or poem he thought I'd like and read it to me. I remember it saddened me that he was barely able to look me in the eye but I didn't question him on it - I didn't like seeing my reflection in the mirror either. I was my own constant reminder that it was my fault Edward and Esme were gone. I presumed Carlisle saw the same thing when he looked at me.

One night when I stayed over I remember waking up to a little note left on my bedside table :

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile, Bella - Carlisle.

I smiled in spite of myself. It was the start of one of my better days.

That first night without Edward when he pressed his beautiful cold lips to my forehead as I sobbed.

More and more memories came back to me, my mind overflowing with little thoughts of Carlisle. Being half asleep on the sofa when Carlisle delicately placed a blanket over me; Carlisle pushing a rebellious strand of hair behind my ear as I broke my heart crying over Edward; his hand intertwined with mine as I sat motionless during our flight home from Italy.

Why else would such little insignificant details be so vivid in my mind if I didn't feel something for him?

My head was spinning. I was so confused with thoughts of anger and …love? They enveloped my mind like a morning mist.

True, he had condemned me to a living hell but I could feel my very soul crying out for him.

It was then that I realised that my bloodlust had disappeared when I allowed myself to be consumed with thoughts of him. I pondered this for a moment, unable to believe that I, as a newborn, would be so capable of restraining myself. But it had happened.

There truly was no other possible conclusion - love had found me again.

Long ago Carlisle alone had pulled me back from the darkness threatening to overpower me. Now I needed him to retain my humanity, to control my urges…but most of all I needed him to love me. Love me, like I loved him.

I knew I had to speak with him, for I had to let him know that those words I spoke were meaningless. But how was I to do it?

I let my body carry me to the door but I stopped, my fingers outstretched towards the handle, as I heard his head lift upon hearing my movement - all spontaneity was lost when it came to being a vampire.

Even though I was beginning to understand what Carlisle meant to me I could feel my anger rage through me at the thought of what he had done to me. My vampiric body still seemed rather unbalanced, not yet fully recovered from the toxic venom.

Again, my throat burned, reminding me that I had yet to begin my vain attempt to satisfy my unquenchable thirst. However I found that this desire paled in comparison with my need for Carlisle.

But I was not ready to face him yet.

I sighed breathily, out of comfort rather than need. I wanted to do this properly for I could not risk further damaging a relationship which had been so brutally violated already. As usual I had managed to find myself in an impossible predicament. I had to wait until I calmed down.

So I ran towards the window and leapt to the ground, just like I had once done while on Edward's back.

It was at that moment that I had my epiphany, my moment of total clarity. Love is so much stronger than death and so it can never die. Part of me would always love Edward, just as I was sure a piece of Carlisle's heart would always be just for Esme.

But that did not stop me loving Carlisle. Loving him with all I had. He was not second best - I loved him far too completely for that.

I could only hope that he might feel the same although I was all too aware that my vicious outburst earlier could perhaps have ruined any chance I ever had with him.

It was not a thought I wanted to deal with.

Pushing the fear of Carlisle's rejection to the back of my mind I fled. Running faster and faster until the outside world became a blur to me as thoughts of Carlisle raced through my memory, my mind desperately trying to cling on to him; the Carlisle I knew before I had said those awful words, which his eyes told me tortured him so.

I was so wrapped up in my own little private misery that I oblivious to the flaming red hair and intensely crimson eyes until she was right in front of me, stopping me abruptly in my tracks.

Victoria.

A/N: I am rather hoping we all got a little too wrapped up in Bella and Carlisle to remember Victoria :P

I don't really like writing from Bella's point of view but it was necessary…I'm afraid it will have to be her again in the next chapter too! Hope you don't mind :)

And omg I just did a word count on this and it is quite ridiculous! Bella's still a bit all over the place emotion wise because in my world vampires have really erratic behaviour/emotions right after they've transformed...that was always how I saw the change until Breaking Dawn anyway :P

One last thing-I have a little one shot up called Dance in the Dark if you're interested :)