WARNINGS: Language. Mpreg = pregnant male. Hidan, Kisame, (Akatsuki members in general.) Bad/terrible/horrendous crack. Probably extreme OOCness. Writing on writer's block so totally random. Review replies that are going to make me sound like a psycho (ooh! Love that song)
TerrorThatLurksInYerBathtub X3: First off, I like your name, and thanks for your enthusiasm :) here you go!
AlchemyGaara: I agree, pregnant Itachi = 3. But having the typical seme pregnant is good crack fuel :3
Chapter 2: Messed up man children?
MMM
"How could this have happened?" Itachi said calmly.
Konan fidgeted a little and blushed, "Well Itachi when two people love each other very much they-"
Itachi stopped her with a wave of his hand. "I get that part," he snapped, his cheeks were a little red as well, "What I mean is how is this even possible?"
Kisame sat staring at the far wall, holding his stomach and looking a little ill. He seemed rather shocked by the news.
"I don't know," she gasped happily, "I just know that now you're gonna have fucked up little man babies! Hooray!" She threw her hands up in celebration. [1]
Itachi's eyebrow twitched. His fingers ached to fasten around her neck.
Suddenly Kisame… began to cry. "Why did this have to happen to me!" he sobbed dramatically. He whipped at his tear streaked face and looked almost accusingly at Itachi, "I mean, he's uke." Itachi's ire had a new target.
"Oh, don't be sad Kisame," Konan soothed, "you're going to be experiencing the Miracle of Life!" Kisame sniffed loudly and looked at her with a slight shining of hope in his eyes. Encouraged, Konan continued, "It's such a magical time – of course there's nine whole months in which you'll experience morning sickness (that can sometimes last into and throughout the day), mood swings, terrible cravings and loss of bladder control!" Konan clasped her hands in excitement, a starry, faraway look in her eyes.
Slowly, Kisame placed his hands back over his stomach and resumed his look of shell-shocked illness.
It took a moment for Konan to realize that no one was joining in with her celebration.
"Don't worry Kisame, from the ultrasound and your symptoms I'd say you're already about fifteen weeks along, so there's not quite that long left. And besides, you'll have Itachi to help support you."
Itachi started sharply at this and stared coldly at her. "What has decided that I have to take responsibility for this?"
"Um, because it's yours?" Konan almost seemed to ask.
Itachi drew himself up and glared down at her. "How are we to know that for certain? As far as I know it could just be his. I refuse to take responsibility for something that's probably not even my faul—"
Itachi stuttered to a halt. When had Konan become so big and so… utterly terrifying?
"I don't care what you have to say about it, Itachi. He is your partner and so I am ordering you to stay with him and take care of him." Itachi trembled and sunk down into the wide neck of his cloak. "Understand?"
Itachi jumped sharply and barked hurriedly, "yes si-er, ma'am."
Konan glared at him a moment longer before nodding sharply and dismissing him with a curt turn of her back.
MMM
There was lace.
It was pink.
It was the most horribly frightening object Itachi had ever seen.
The book's front cover had a picture of a happy couple (an attractive man and an obviously pregnant woman) in the center. At the top in a slightly different shade of pink than the rest, the book declared 'Pregnancy and You'. Itachi wasn't really sure what the pregnancy had to do with him, or why a book would need lace, but the last thing Konan had done before banishing him from her rooms was to order him to read the entire thing, cover to cover, and he intended to do it.
With a sigh, he settled in to do just that. He flipped open to the first page, staring at the little hearts and bottles.
"Mangekyo."
Twenty seconds later he was done. Calmly, he placed the pink terror on the floor and disintegrated it with a fire jutsu.
MMM
Konan opened the door on the fifteenth knock, Itachi had been pounding continuously on the door for the last couple of seconds in his impatience for the door to open.
Konan glared at him when she realized who it was. Not the I'm-going-to-tear-your-intestines-out-through-your-mouth glare, just a mildly annoyed expression this time. "Itachi, I told you I didn't want to see you again until you'd read that entire book."
"I did," Itachi snapped.
"And where is it now?"
Itachi's eyes narrowed. "I destroyed it. It can't hurt anyone anymore."
Slowly, slowly, Konan raised her hand and pressed it against her eyes. Her shoulders shook with what Itachi assumed was rage; he braced himself for any attack, even going so far as to activate his Sharingan. Konan let out a sound, almost like a sob, which gave him pause. He frowned, was she…?
Konan looked up at him with a helpless smile. "Men," was all she said, before dissolving into another fit of laughter.
Itachi gave her a sour look then pushed passed her into the room. Kisame still sat on the paper covered table, swing his feet and looking all together completely bored. He glanced up as Itachi approached and even smiled a little. Itachi was reminded that Kisame was under the influence some weird hormones right now which were supposed to cause mood swings.
"Kisame, how's it going in here?" Itachi asked carefully.
Kisame shrugged. "Oh, it's fine, just asking me more questions and she took some blood for… something," he held out his arm where there was a Boots[2] band aid in the crease of his arm.
"Nothing… scary happening?"
"Uhh…" Kisame seemed uncertain.
"Oh no nothing scary, but we will have to take a sample of the amniotic fluid," Konan interrupted, apparently recovered from her laughing fit.
"Oh, OK. What is that?" Kisame asked guilelessly.
Konan began to rummage around in her storage closet, she called over her shoulder, "It's the fluid in the womb that protects and cushions the baby."
Itachi frowned then stared, a realization hitting him. Kisame's eyes narrowed, it appeared as if he'd come to the same conclusion, and he shifted away. "And how exactly do you intend to get 'a sample'?"
"With this!" Konan whipped around, holding a wicked looking needle aloft.
Kisame reached back and pulled Samehada from his back and brandished it between them. "You stay away from me with that you crazy bitch."
Konan batted the end away without concern. "Oh, quit being such a baby and suck it up."
Kisame screamed and ran away from her, jumping over to the other side of the table. Konan followed right behind him. Kisame ran to the other side and Konan pursued him. So Kisame ran to the other side again. Konan followed him.
Itachi watched from the chair he'd occupied with mild concern. That eventually faded on the tenth round around the tale, both prey and pursuer yelling insults at the other. Itachi closed his eyes against mounting dizziness and turned to the table beside him and selected a magazine and settled down to wait.
MMM
"There we go Kisame," Konan chirped as she pressed another band aid to the puncture wound. "See that wasn't so bad, was it?"
Kisame groaned through his gag, Itachi just huffed in annoyance. After twenty minutes of their monkey and weasel bit [3] he had no longer been able to just ignore. He'd intervened; it had been far too easy.
Kisame had come rushing toward him the moment he noticed him, obviously expecting a savior. Instead Itachi had grabbed him around the waist and thrown him onto the table. He used a jutsu to bind his body to the table top then decided he didn't like to here his lover yelling such ugly things at him and stuffed a sock in his mouth. Konan had of course made a jibe at their private lives, which he had of course ignored.
"Ok Itachi, unbind him."
Itachi muttered a quick release and Kisame immediately jumped to his feet spitting the sock onto the ground.
"Traitor!" he yelled at Itachi.
Itachi just gazed at him coolly and said, "It was either get pinned down by me or have Konan stab you a thousand times with that needle. I chose the one with the least amount of noise."
Konan spoke up before the argument could go any further, "That's all I need from you for now. Come back tomorrow and we'll work some finer details. As this is a very unusual case I'd like to keep you under close observation, as well as figure out how this happened." She had her nose an inch away from a clip board and was writing busily away on it. "Itachi I need you to make sure he gets here every day."
Itachi nodded and turned to leave, just wanting to go to sleep so he could wake up from this nightmare.
"Oh and before you go," Konan's hands fluttered excitedly over Kisame as he attempted to get his clothes back on, apparently trying to help and just getting in his way. "Do you guys want a picture of them?"
Itachi froze and turned slowly around to stare at her. Maybe it was just bad word choice but… did she mean…?
"How do you get a picture?" Kisame asked. He lifted up his shirt and squinted at his belly, as if he could somehow see through to the life inside.
"With the ultrasound! Haven't you ever heard of that?" Kisame seemed about to reply but Itachi cut him off.
"What do you mean by them?"
Konan blinked at him, "Oh, didn't I tell you?"
"Huh?" Kisame grunted. He furrowed his brow when his lover and doctor just continued to stare at each other. "Out with it already!"
"You're having twins!" Konan then proceeded to give a fangirl squeal and jump up and down.
Kisame stared with open mouth and a nearly glazed expression. "You've gotta be shittin' me."
Itachi closed his eyes and let out a groan. It seemed his nightmare had just begun.
MMM
[1]My brother wrote this paragraph to get me going, what with the writers block and all. It worked.
[2]You know, from Dora the Explorer?
[3]the children's song.
AN: I've mostly been drawing this last… month or so. Writing was not working for me. I did an mpreg meme based on this story and was going to post it on deviantart but I don't know how to put it together _
I'm sorry that the scene dividers didn't work last time, I changed them, it's now the 'M'.