The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Restraint
Pen name: LightStarDusting
Character POV: Bella
Rating: M

Chapter 15 – The Night Before
1999

John Belushi was staring at me.

I immediately closed my eyes, thinking it was a mistake.

Clearly, the John Belushi poster was a figment of my imagination and not real. It couldn't be real because that would mean that I was in Jasper and Peter's room and not my own.

Very slowly, I opened only one eye this time. There he was: John Belushi, as Bluto, wearing his COLLEGE sweater and staring at me in disbelief.

I know, Bluto. Feeling about the same right now. Stop looking at me like that.

I was naked as the day I was born and wrapped in Jasper's arms. I lay there, blinking at John and trying to figure out what the hell to do next, what to say when Jasper eventually woke up. There was no way I'd be able to go back to sleep. The thought that rushed to the forefront of my mind was: Shit. Shit. Shit. Followed closely by: Did that really happen? Did we really just do that?

Once those two thoughts were firmly established in my mind, they began tripping over each other, attempting to rewind and replay everything that happened the prior night. For once in my life, I actually wished I was one of those people who could just wake up the next morning and say they blacked out. I always remembered everything, no matter how much I had to drink. Usually I considered it a blessing because I'd remember funny drunk conversations or stupid things that others had done.

Now it appeared that I was the stupid one.

We went from nothing to everything and back again in the span of six hours and I was feeling like a world-class schmuck for letting it happen. Fearful that it could change everything our relationship was built on and nearly sure that it would.

I felt him shift behind me and he groaned as he stretched his arm, his hand grasping my hip. I felt him stiffen when he realized that I was there next to him and he wasn't alone in his bed. "Oh shit," he breathed out. Scared to look, I stayed on my side and took deep even breaths, trying to make it look like I was still sleeping. I heard him groan again as he removed his hand from my skin and put it up across his eyes, attempting to keep the light out that was filtering around the drawn shade next to him.

"I feel like ass. Sunday, a little help here?"

I turned so I was lying on my back next to him, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that were now just a pale yellow outline on the ceiling. Resistance was futile and I knew that I wouldn't be able to pull off fake sleeping any longer. I couldn't look at him; I didn't trust myself to look at him. I found my voice. "Did we…" I croaked out, trailing off, not truly speaking the words and outright lying about not remembering.

"Did we?" Those two words hung in the air between us, separating us from each other. I knew what we had done. I could remember every hazy moment of it. My heart pounded in my chest, begging to come out. My heart wondered why I was lying when it knew the truth, and why I was denying its feelings.

Self-preservation, Heart. Self-preservation. I refused to be that girl, if that was the direction it was heading.

"I… shit… we shouldn't have… I didn't mean for this to happen. I just wanted you to relax a little. You were so stressed and I wanted you loosen up." He sat up slowly and ran a hand through his hair. "Damn it, I thought that a night out, forgetting the cleanse and the stress of midterms and I…" his voice and thoughts were disjointed. Trying to get a read on his emotions, I thought it would be best to take my cues from him. But it seemed like he was just as freaked out as I was.

I didn't know what do to.

So I hid.

Hid those true emotions, the ones that were screaming at me that they wanted to come out and tell him how I truly felt. Pushed them down, covered them up, and locked them away. While he got up and threw on some clothes, I angrily wiped a tear away and willed them to stop while he wasn't paying attention. There would be time for those later. In that moment, I just needed to restrain myself and perform a little song and dance to get myself out of there in one piece. I would deal with the emotions later.

I held the crocheted blanket around my body, feeling as though I was sullying it with the act we had committed, and asked quietly, "Jasper, would you mind getting…" as I waved my hand toward the large bottle of Tylenol that sat on his desk across the room.

"Oh. Yeah. Of course."

He grabbed some Tylenol and pulled the Brita pitcher from the small dorm-sized fridge. He poured the water into his favorite mug and offered it to me. His eyes flitted down to my body wrapped in the afghan and muttered, "I'll hit the head and give you a moment." I nodded, not looking up.

Stopping with his hand on the door handle he turned and asked, "We're okay, right?" His words were asking one thing but my ears were hearing something else entirely. The tone of his voice was non-Jasper-like. A little on edge, a little off.

Looking past him, garnering strength from John/Bluto and his look of defiance, I spoke. "Yeah. Everything's okay." Then, because I need him to take the lead and to give me some indication of his feelings and because he asked about us being okay, I bit the bullet and forced the words out of my mouth. "Jasper? I know now might not be the right time to ask, but… um… what are we doing here?"

He paused, not saying anything.

Nothing was the wrong answer.

He whistled lowly and leaned against the door. "Shit, Swan, I don't know. Let's talk about this when we both have our heads on straight. Maybe get breakfast or something?"

He called me Swan instead of Bella.

I nodded my head, when all I wanted to do was shake. Maybe I should have said more right then and there, but I didn't. Instead he said he'd be back before swinging the squeaky door open and walking out to the bathrooms.

As soon as the door clicked shut, I scrambled out of the bed and began gathering up my clothing from where it had come to rest the night before. I didn't know how long Jasper would be gone but I really wanted to be in a state of dress by the time he returned. It might make it easier to talk that way.

My jeans were easily found, since they had simply been pushed off while we stood near the end of the bed. Lucy's shirt had landed in the middle of the room, but my bra had apparently made it all the across to the doorway when he pulled that slick one-handed maneuver. Finally, I found my panties near the side of his bed, just barely peeking out from underneath. Must have gotten pushed under there during the Great Condom Hunt. I sat on his bed and snapped the clasp of the bra behind my back before sliding on my underwear. As I stood to pull on my jeans, my eyes focused on the single condom that sat on the window sill.

One.

We'd been given five at the program.

So why was there only one?

My brain raced to make sense of this. I was never good at math but even I could surmise that something was amiss.

Five given out at the program. Minus one used last night. One on the window sill. Where are the other three condoms?

I dropped to my knees and placed a hand on the mattress for support as my eyes searched frantically to and fro. My hand swept under the bed, looking for those other three condoms. It returned with nothing.

Again, tears threatened to fall as I stood up hastily and threw on my shirt. My fingers felt fat and awkward as they tried their hardest to push the small, blurry buttons into their proper place.

Where are the other three?

My body moved on autopilot, moving as quickly as my hung-over self could move, my mind pushing it along. Flee flee flee.

Things were not going to be okay.

We were not going to be okay.

I wasn't going to allow myself to be that girl again. My relationship in high school with James ended when he no longer wanted a monogamous relationship and instead of breaking it off right then and there, I returned to him. Again and again. Only making myself look and feel like a fool in the long run.

My mind raced and I couldn't help but think about the missed hints. People knowing about the cleanse. The shared glances and the quiet smiles at our "vow." Did they all know something? Maria and her knowledge of the quirky time thing. How would she know that unless they were meeting somewhere for something? Did they know Jasper as well as I did… better apparently?

I was dressed by the time he returned and pulling my hair back into a low ponytail. Keep it together, Bella. "So, I'm just going to head back to my room. Maybe sleep a few hours and then study some more for the tests I have tomorrow."

He brought is hand to the back of his head. "I… um. Okay." He stood by the doorway as I walked toward it. What does one do in a situation like this?

Reaching out, I gave him a quick hug, restraining myself from holding on too close or for too long and trying to make the event more than what it was.

"I'll… right. Okay, so we'll talk later?" I could feel the pull of his eyes, the curious stare, the silent questions that I wasn't prepared to answer.

So I lied again, bolder this time. My fake smile was an overt act of deceit. "Yeah. Later." Could I possibly pull off sounding nonchalant? "Hey, it happens. Right? We went for the gusto and decided to break all three of our cleanse rules together. No big?"

Liar! It was the biggest of the bigs. It was huge. I was making it seem like it was nothing to me, because, if this was how he really operated, I knew that he didn't feel the same for me. I already knew that I couldn't do the whole 'friends with benefits' thing because I'd only be hurting myself in the long run. That sort of thing only worked if certain emotions weren't involved and I knew mine already were.

"Right. I'll call later. Or something." I wasn't sure I would. It was my way. Things get difficult, I shut down. We fucked up, I shut down.

Ducking out of the room, I hastily walked toward the stairwell. I skipped putting Lucy's heels back on, figuring that since I was officially in "walk-of-shame hell," the heels would just slow me down. I wanted to make it to the sanctuary of my room as fast as I could and I knew that heels on the stairs would only slow my progress. Plus, I knew that walking in the shoes might result in tripping on the stairs and breaking my neck. The ambulance and ensuing commotion would certainly undermine my attempt at a stealthy getaway.

Of course, the fates had a little chat and decided to screw with me some more. When I swung the stairwell door open, Emmett was standing there with a bag of his laundry.

"Bella? You look…" he trailed off, his eyebrows raised with concern. I knew what I looked like. I looked like someone doing the walk of shame from her best guy friend's room.

I didn't say anything. Just looked at him with what I imagined was a pathetic and pleading expression, conveying that I needed to get out of there. He held the door open with his foot and let me pass by.

"Hey. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. You know that, right? Confidential and free of charge, kid."

His words only caused the emotions to bubble inside of my chest more. Pity. He pities me. I had to get out of there. I choked out, "Thanks, Em," before continuing down the steps.

I reached the bottom of the steps and stopped. Composing myself, I decided to put the shoes on before walking outside. Perhaps people would think that I was an early riser, although I knew that on Sunday the only people who got up early were those trying to fight the crowds in the laundry room or those going to church. I was clearly not carrying anything laundry-related, so I couldn't pretend to be one of those people. Certainly the guilt I knew was etched on my face proved my soul needed saving, but I wasn't really dressed appropriately to get that at church, so I wasn't one of them either.

Pushing my body weight against the stairwell door, I walked out into the harsh glare of the sun-drenched courtyard. Mercifully, it was mostly empty and I teetered across the span of the courtyard quickly before reaching my own stairwell door. When I was safely inside the stairwell, I took the shoes off once more and ascended the steps toward my final destination.

The door to my room was locked and I slowly turned the key, trying my best to remain quiet so I wouldn't disturb Lucy. I was half undressed when I glanced over to see her shift in her bed, flipping over and snuggling with her stuffed animal. I paused, frozen in place to see if she would stir. When I was sure she had settled, I resumed removing my clothes and slipped into pajamas. I was able to restrain my tears until I was where no one could see.

The comforter on my bed did not comfort as I hid myself beneath.

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Treat me like you did the night before – The Beatles