The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Honest
Pen name: LightStarDusting
Character POV: Bella
Rating: M

Chapter 17 – I'll Be On My Way
1999

"Not here," I pleaded under my breath, looking up the stairs as though he might come down them at any moment. It was a possibility and I didn't want to have more awkward non-communication in the middle of the Student Union.

"Fine." Lucy's short answer let me know that I wasn't getting to run and hide from her any longer. "Get your mail. I'll grab our coffees." My eyes traveled from hers back to the landing once more and with the slight motion, she huffed at my response, rolling her eyes. Lucy's hand snagged the mug that she knew I kept in the side pocket of my bag before she pushed me toward the mailboxes. "Just go. I'll swing down to by the mailroom before we head back home."

The tone she used wasn't one I heard often from her, yet she made it crystal clear that there would be no use arguing. We would be talking about it. I was in no hurry as I shuffled off to the wall of mailboxes. I tried to mentally prepare myself for the conversation we'd be having as I took my time turning the combination on the small metal door.

My eyes kept darting toward the stairwell we had just left, scared he might appear. I was scared he might have seen me and decided to finally come after me. Scared that he might not have seen me and would come down those steps and not want to see me.

If I was honest with myself, I was just plain scared.

After I checked my mail, I checked Lucy's for her as well, knowing the combination by heart as we'd often checked for one another. Then I waited, my back resting uncomfortably against the wall of metal, the knobs digging into my shoulders. I kept my head down, hoping that Jasper wouldn't find me standing there. Of course, a small part of me wished that he would, and that he'd say the words I wanted to hear and we'd go back to being us again.

It wasn't Jasper but the more predictable Lucy who appeared at the bottom of the stairs once more, a mug in each hand and a scowl on her face. Pushing off the wall, I walked toward her, always on alert and searching to see if he was nearby.

Lucy's exasperated sigh let me know that she was on to me, and pissed by my reaction. "Don't worry, he's not coming this way. He's going to talk to someone at the Registrar's office. He recognized your cup, though."

The fact that he recognized my cup made sense. After all, the green flowered reusable coffee cup was an extension of me and, usually, of my arm.

"Did he-" I started to ask if he had mentioned me or asked where I was, but the look on Lucy's face made me reassess that line of questioning. She and I swapped the contents of our hands, her mail for my coffee, which I gratefully took.

"Let's go home, B. And since you are so fond of the I Love Lucy references: You've got some 'splainin' to do."

We walked in silence, only stopping to briefly talk to Emmett and Rosalie as they headed to the Student Government office at the Student Union. The silence was uncomfortable and I was well aware that I would no longer be able to keep the truth from Lucy. To be honest, I didn't want to keep it from her any longer. She was forcing me into the conversation, but I was hoping that a fresh perspective from someone who looked at things differently than I did would be what I needed. And maybe, just maybe, I'd listen to what she had to say.

We arrived home, the room which just four months before had been barren and devoid of anything that represented who we were, now adorned with decorations we'd bought together at the campus store and Target. It was ours and for nine months' time, it had turned into our home. It was the safest place to have this conversation and even though it was difficult for me, I knew it was a necessary one.

After we got settled, dropping books and bags on chairs and desks, we dropped ourselves onto my bed. Lucy sat beside me as I was finally truthful, telling her everything about that night. I reminded her of Maria's interest and comments. Told her about our decision to, as we so eloquently toasted, "Fuck the cleanse." I began to explain about the games of beer pong, when Lucy started to complain.

"Bella, you already told me all of this when you told me the details of the date party. How about we fast forward to the part that led to the falling out? You know, the part that you lied about?"

Sighing, I said, "Because that's the hard part."

But despite the difficulty of the conversation, I continued on. Rambled about his need for a cigarette and my stupid suggestion of taking all the cleanse activities out in one fell swoop. She started to squeal about my propositioning him but quickly silenced herself when I gave her a warning look. Lucy gasped as I told her about the kiss on the porch in the rain and the piggy back ride to the dorm.

I got less detailed when I spoke of the events that took place in his room, my eyes trained solely on the coffee cup in my hand. I explained about the condoms we'd gotten at Emmett's program and then told her of the morning after realization that there weren't as many as there should have been.

I started wrapping things up, speaking faster and less coherently when I spoke of waking up next to him naked and Jasper's reaction when he realized that we were in the same bed. My voice began to break when I told her about the regret that tinged his voice and the disjointed thoughts that spewed out from his mouth, telling me that he thought it was all a mistake. I told her of Emmett's look of pity when he realized what had happened and how I figured it came with the knowledge that he, that everyone, knew something that I did not.

I was a fool.

She took the coffee mug from my hands and gently placed it on the floor before putting her arms around me. She just held me. My eyes filled with the tears that I had kept hidden for so long. I was finally candid with everything that happened and while it wasn't with Jasper, at least I was sharing with someone. I had the ugly cry going on in full force and Lucy just sat there, being the support I so desperately needed.

After the tears subsided, Lucy pulled away from me and took my hands in hers.

"Okay. Now. Thank you for finally being honest with me. I'm sorry I had to bully you into it, but at least it's finally out in the open."

I exhaled a shaky breath and attempted to wipe the tears from my face quickly with the back of my hand. "No, don't apologize. I should have talked to you before this. I needed to talk to you before this."

Lucy's face was filled with concern and she raked her fingers through my hair, tucking a piece behind my ear. "So are you interested in some sage advice? Another point of view? Or are you happy continuing on this ridiculous pretend we didn't see each other thing you have going right now?"

I knew that I probably wasn't going to like what she was going to say but I also knew that I needed to hear it. Maybe Lucy could make some sense of what had happened since my brain was still struggling to work things out and it had been over a month.

"Lay it on me."

Did she ever.

Lucy pointed out that the condoms could have very well been given to Peter or someone else on the floor who needed them and that perhaps Jasper was just being his usual helpful self. After all, his commitment to the cleanse certainly meant he wasn't going to need them. Her voice escalated when she explained that Jasper was probably just freaked out when we talked about things the morning after and that he said he wanted to talk but I never gave him the chance.

"I think I said 'lay it on me,' not 'lay into me.'"

But she was right. Lucy's words gave me a sense of clarity that I'd been missing or ignoring for a month and a half. After spending more time talking it out and listening to her words of wisdom, I came to the conclusion that I was afraid to give myself to someone completely and not have the feeling reciprocated. Petrified of losing control of my emotions. I let myself go for a moment and when reality came crashing down on top of me the following morning, the first things I found hinted it might have been a mistake. So instead of finding out for sure, I ran – literally and figuratively – in the opposite direction.

It was time to be honest with myself. Deep in my heart, I'd already known everything that Lucy said could have been true. It was easier, and safer, to believe that it was a mistake than to take a chance that it wasn't, and expose myself that way.

The truth of the matter was that I'd been hurt before. In high school, I laid it all on the line, and James almost destroyed me. I knew he was dicking around mentally with me and physically with others, and when I finally spoke up and said something, he ripped into me and made me feel as though it had somehow been my fault. I felt that I was inadequate and it took me quite awhile to get over that hurt and even longer to realize that it wasn't anything that I had done.

So what was better? Being hurt on their terms or on my own? Sure, I was hurting without Jasper's friendship but at least I had control over the hurt. By running and not giving him an opportunity to say otherwise, I owned it.

Lucy's voice once again broke through my inner ramblings. "Well, I have some news regarding Jasper that I just found out while I was chatting with him at the café. It's actually the reason he was going to the Registrar. He's leaving soon."

Her statement wasn't exactly news. "We're all leaving soon, Luce. Some people have already left."

"No Bella," she spoke slowly, as though speaking to a small child. I had certainly acted like one. "He's leaving school soon."

I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of my sails. "I- I don't… wait, he's transferring?"

"No, he's able to study abroad next semester. The program is usually only for sophomores but since he took classes at the local community college at home before this semester…" Her thought trailed off. "I don't know why I'm telling you, you already know that. Anyway, he's got enough credits to qualify for study abroad." She appeared to be watching me closely for a reaction. I wasn't sure what she was looking for, but I was busy processing the implications of the words she was saying.

"So, he's technically considered a sophomore," I murmured. Of course, it made sense. He hadmentioned wanting to study abroad, yet I didn't think it was actually going to happen so soon. The day had been filled with honesty and emotion and my sadness hit me hard. "I guess I always thought that there would be more time."

I truly thought that we'd go home for the break and once we returned to school the following semester, we could talk. I thought we could reconnect when things weren't so raw. I'd have time to process. We'd be able to get past this, whatever this was.

Lucy's voice broke my thoughts once again and I realized there'd been many points of silence throughout the conversation while I sat, trying to process things. "You miss him."

"I miss who I thought he was."

"Maybe he's still that person." She sounded optimistic.

I thought about it. Maybe he was. I needed to give him a chance and maybe we could regain that friendship because I really did miss my friend. Especially because he was leaving for such a long amount of time and who knew when the next time I would see him would be. A bit of closure was necessary.

I threw my arms around Lucy and gave her a quick hug. She seemed a little surprised by my sudden show of affection; she was usually the one who initiated the hugs in our relationship. "Luce, I'll talk to you soon."

I ran across the courtyard, using my key to open the red metal door leading up to his side of the building. I pounded on the suite door until Demetri heard me and started to make a wisecrack about it being quiet hours until he saw the crazed look in my eyes and decided he was the one who needed to be quiet.

I finally stopped pounding and processed what was right in front of me. The dry erase board told me everything I needed to know. Jasper's name was crossed out and I recognized his handwriting. He'd written a short goodbye note for Peter and the others on his floor.

That was it.

I walked out of the building, not sure what to do or where to go. I wasn't ready to return to my own room yet so instead I sat in the courtyard, on the bench where we had met. I realized I'd screwed up royally.

He was gone. Time's up.

KrisBCullen is my beta.

Heart (Ms Life), Lore, Boo and Elle pre-read and offer up wise suggestions.

Special thanks to both Hev99 and FatallyObsessed for their support of this story! Rock my socks, you do.

Don't hide the tears that don't show – The Beatles

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