The Twilight Twenty-five
Prompt - morose
Pen name - LightStarDusting
Character POV - Bella
Rating - M

Chapter 18 - She's Leaving Home
2000

I've heard it said (and I'm not ashamed to admit that it was by Charlotte in an episode of Sex and the City with Rosalie and Alice) that the recovery period for "getting over someone" is a ratio of one month for every six months that you were in the relationship.

Technically speaking, Jasper and I weren't in a defined relationship, per se, at least not the way Charlotte intended. I wasn't sure of the exact formulaic adjustment, but I thought it would be reasonable to subtract two weeks for that. We'd been together for only two months but occupying the same social circles for a month and a half, which I figured had to count for something. I'm not a math-whiz by any stretch of the imagination, but thanks to my own tweaking of Charlotte's equation, I figured my time in Morose-Bella Mopeyland would span approximately the length of the winter break.

Which is exactly how long it took.

Five weeks separated the end of fall semester and the beginning of spring semester. Five weeks to wallow at home in my gloomy haze. I reveled in it, absorbing it until it became an aura that surrounded me, invisible to everyone except me but permeating my very being. I went through the motions with everyone back home, laughing and smiling and pretending that everything was just fantastic. I had been doing that my entire life, it was part of my genetic make-up, so it was something that came naturally to me. But I knew the truth. Mercifully, the relationship recovery formula had proven to be accurate, and each week I changed a little more. What surprised me was that I wasn't changing back to me. The old me, anyway.

The four and a half months I'd spent during my neophyte semester at college had changed me and my attitude. The prospect of being alone had terrified me at the outset, but now I relished the thought. I realized that I had connections and relationships with people; being alone wasn't necessarily something to fear. Furthermore, I realized that it wouldn't do any good to find someone new to fill the void that Jasper left when he'd gone. I needed to find myself in all of this because somewhere along the way, I'd gone missing.

So I made a new vow, to myself rather than with someone else. I vowed that I'd spend some time finding myself. I wasn't going to be defined purely by a relationship and I didn't need anything sexual confusing me further. My experiences the previous fall had shown that that would end badly.

Near the end of the break, I started to feel like I was breathing a bit easier; the dullness faded and the ache released itself from my body.

Returning to school, my feelings mirrored the New England winter. Life continued on, dormant and not necessarily thriving where people could see but changes were happening internally. Lucy joined Rosalie's sorority and it kept her busy. She tried to coax me into joining with her but I was adamant about not affiliating too closely with anyone or anything until I figured myself out.

Instead, I branched out, focusing on the vow of finding myself again. I joined the campus radio station, opting to work behind the scenes rather than on the air. By March, I occasionally sat in on sessions with one of the other student DJs, discussing whatever music they were playing at the time. My favorite was sitting with the Sunday morning DJ, Angela, who only played Beatles songs during her block. I'd pick the cds from the vast library and we never ran out of trivia to discuss.

The spring semester went faster than I thought it would. In my mind, I had feared it would drag forever without Jasper there, but the initial sting of his absence didn't last the way I'd originally thought it would. My healing process continued and I reached the point where I could see myself, at some point, in a relationship.

That was not to say that I didn't think about Jasper. I did. I was reminded of him when I looked out my window and saw his room, when I saw people like Peter or Maria around campus, and when I sat on the bench in the courtyard. I heard random bits of information about him through the grapevine, usually via Emmett.

Yes, Emmett became my Jasper dealer, doling out little hits of him, knowing exactly what to dispense and when so I wouldn't overdose. I'd learned that he had to change his major so that he could go to Spain for the semester. I sat next to Emmett in the computer lab while he checked his email; he would read me a line or two from his most recent email from Jasper. He was the person who showed me the postcard addressed to the floor with Jasper's familiar scrawl, the one he'd sent from his Toledo visit. The person who walked with me at night when I didn't want to walk alone to get Salt and Vinegar potato chips, and never pointing out the fact that they reminded him of someone far away, even though we both knew they did.

I never asked if Jasper mentioned me and he never offered.

I moved along as time pushed forward. In May, I said my goodbyes to Lucy, Emmett, Rose and the campus and made my way home, once again. Summer break was for a lot longer than five weeks. And I had different mathematical equations to consider.

Before I knew it, time found me standing in front of the second floor apartment door in the late August heat. My hair clung to the back of my neck in spite of my ponytail. Emmett was with the other RAs in front of the complex, distributing keys. After escaping his suffocating bear hug, I took my key from him and attempted to open the metal barrier that separated me from the air conditioning. Air conditioning was a perk of no longer being a freshman. Before I was able to turn the key, the door swung open and there stood Lucy.

"Bella! Sorry to scare you." She grabbed the bags I had resting on the landing and pulled them inside. "Get in here, shut the door, and give me a hug. Let's keep the air conditioning inside." No argument from me. The air inside the apartment was arctic in comparison to the sweltering heat outside. She dropped my bags unceremoniously on the floor, clearly not concerned with their contents or well-being.

Lucy decided we should do all of our sweating at once. She helped me drag my minimal bags and boxes from the curb to the doorway outside the room. By helping, I mean she kept the cab driver from leaving and talked to everyone who passed. Once it was all upstairs, we opened the door and pulled it all inside quickly, just far enough to close the door and reclaim the cool air. She had already unpacked most of our stuff, since we'd cleverly rented a storage locker for the summer and she'd even more cleverly convinced Emmett to help her pick it up and bring it to the room. By helping, I mean he did the work and she pointed a lot.

Walking back into the room, I tried to step around a duffel bag full of clothing. Managing to avoid stepping on the bag, I somehow tripped on the edge of the area rug and fell on top of it instead. Good to know that while I'd evolved in the attitude department, I was still a Grade "A" klutz. While all of my things were still lumped just inside the door, they were in the apartment, which was certainly progress. Lucy declared it time for a break.

Once we'd both gotten a drink from the full sized fridge (yet another perk of sophomore status), Lucy took a big gulp of hers before setting the glass on the table. We sat on the couch, catching up with what we'd done over the summer and I told her about my job at the library at home. Her family lived close to the campus so she had been able to take some summer classes there.

Then she got a funny look on her face, her hands came to her hips and I knew I'd be hearing what she'd been waiting to ask since I walked in. Probably since we'd spoken the week before, coordinating arrivals. "So." Here it comes.

"So." I repeated after her, waiting for the more.

"So tell me about this Jacob guy, Bella! I want to hear details. Everything." Honestly, I was a little surprised she'd let me go as long as she had before assaulting me with the inquisition.

"There's not too much to tell." I tried to play it off but the look on her face told me I wasn't getting off that easily. "He's a good guy; we met at the community college while I was taking a math prerequisite there. Figured that it would be easier to get the course out of the way there and take it pass/fail for credits. You know math and I don't get along and I knew that taking the class at-"

Lucy held up her hand, stopping me. "Less talk about math, more talk about Jacob. That's a good name. Tell me his last name was Ryan and I'll just-"

"His last name was not Ryan."

"Well, tell me his middle name was Ryan, at least."

"For the love of Pete, Lucy. His name was not Jake Ryan. I'm sorry. We don't live in a world where Sixteen Candles is non-fiction. His last name is Black." She looked satisfied with that answer and waved me on to continue. "We sat next to each other. Actually, to be honest, he was sitting there when I walked in and well…" I blushed, thinking about him sitting there with his dark hair and easy smile when I had first walked into the lecture hall. "I sat next to him because he was easy on the eyes."

"Ohhhhh, now we're getting somewhere." Lucy crossed her legs and leaned closer to me, her expression expectant.

"And I might have asked him to the local diner after our first class." I ducked my head a little but knew that Lucy would be proud of this accomplishment. It wasn't my norm and I liked breaking out of the expected, especially when it came to telling Lucy because it made me feel a little bit more like her.

Lucy raised her hand high over her head and I leaned toward her to meet her high five. "So bold. I like Bold Bella!"

"Well, it was accelerated, so we only had four weeks of class. It was Monday through Thursday for three hours an evening. I had to move fast!"

"Hey, I'm not knocking it. I love Bold Bella. Bold Bella is freaking awesome and way more fun than Morose Bella of Mopeyland."

"Will you stop?" I playfully flipped her the bird. My actions with him might have been bold but they didn't erase the fact that I still thought of Jasper occasionally, even when I was with Jacob. It was amazing how small gestures or words could send my mind reeling back in time. One night, Jacob promised to take me for a ride on his motorcycle; he offered up a pinky swear to seal the deal. It was an innocent gesture on his part, but it took me immediately back to the courtyard and the cleanse.

"So we hung out the majority of the summer-"

"Hung out. Like let it all hangout?" She raised her eyebrows at the insinuation, asking in not so many words if we'd had sex.

"Yes, we let it all… hang out." I repeated the words, blushing a bit.

"Wait. You guys had sex? I know what I was insinuating with the hang out comment but then I wasn't sure that you were insinuating the same thing that I was insinuating."

It had to be the most amusing conversation I'd had in the history of knowing Lucy.

"We had sex," I clarified.

Lucy's eyebrows rose. "And?"

My brows mimicked hers. "And... it was nice. Nothing earth-shattering."

"No fireworks? No spark?"

"No. Definitely no spark. Nice guy but yeah, at the end of the summer, I'm back here and I'm still single."

Lucy looked pensive for a moment, tapping her fingertip against her bottom lip before speaking. "Yeah, about that. So, this is a little weird, but do you remember Lollipop Guy from last year?"

Who could forget Lollipop Guy? And damn it, why am I using her silly nicknames again?

I'd occasionally seen him around campus spring semester and we'd smiled at each other, waving shyly. I often thought about approaching him but had reminded myself of my vow to focus on myself.

"I remember Edward," I said, emphasizing to myself and to Lucy that he had an actual name. "What about him?"

"Well," she paused and gave me the puppy dog eyes. "Promise you won't be mad?"

Oh god. What in the world…? "What did you do?"

"I'm sorry, but you know you love me and I knew you were ready for this."

I frowned at my roommate. "Stop apologizing and stop stalling. Ready for what, Lucy? Spit it out."

"He was out there, talking to Emmett, while you were bringing your stuff upstairs and I noticed him watching you."

"Watching me? That's fucking creepy."

"No, it was sweet! Anyway, we started talking and he said that he always meant to get your number and then I said that you happened to be my roommate. And then he said that it would be cool if he could call you sometime. And then I said sure. And I gave it to him so he could call you."

"Wait. Rewind. You gave Lollipop G- I mean, Edward, my number?"

"I did. I wouldn't be surprised if he calls soon."

For some reason, all I could do was sit there and blink at her. Hard and fast. And as if on cue, the phone rang.

KrisBCullen makes my words pretty.

Elle, Boo, Lore & Heart have been my pre-readers from the start and it makes me giggle when I see them "fighting" over the boys in the gdocs.

Fngrcufs (who has a fantastic set of knockers) is hosting a readalong on twitter of HT&E on July 11th. To say that I'm flatter would be a huge understatement. If you're free, join in the fun? I'll bring the lollipops and Dark Side of Oz.

As always – thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. It means so much!

Something inside that was always denied for so many years – The Beatles