Ah, I know. Unforgivable, completely unforgivable. But I lost the five chapters I had already done after ch. 8 (stupid laptop!), and then the next couple of months were the worst of my life and when I actually considered ending my writer career for good (what career?). Sigh, I can normally translate a whole chapter if I spend a whole day with it, like a Saturday, which is what I did with this one a couple of hours ago, but I haven't had the time between school and the coming family wedding. Luckily, I now have a lot of free time, so I'll be giving you a chapter every week for sure.
Also, there are probably a lot of mistakes in here, since I didn't want to wake up my Beta at the crack of dawn to check this. I mean, she got a new job, and when you see the new Nightmare on Elm street movie, if you happen to see an extra with blonde hair and real c-cups being killed (or swimming in the pool), that's her. So, she's super busy. Blame all the mistakes on me, please.
Warnings for this chapter: Light Heterosexual lime, yes, be afraid. I got woozy when I translated that, and had to take breaks to catch my breath every now and then while I did it. Um, some 'ehem' facts about Lenalee that will surprise many of you and Kanda being what he was born to be: a pervert.
Disclaimer: DGM is so not mine, and neither is this wonderful baby. But if I had to pick, I would so choose Kini-san's little bundle of joy.
Apostle of God
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9. Inevitable discovery
He left his dream little by little when he felt a light on his face that didn't last for more than a second. After an uproarious noise that made him shake the tiniest bit, he listened to the constant sound of the water drops as they hit the glass. It was raining. He hadn't opened his eyes yet when he felt an acute pain run through his whole body. He couldn't move, so he didn't even try to change out of the fetal position he was in, even if it wasn't actually making the pain lessen. He was going to bite his lower lip to stop himself from screaming, although he immediately tasted the metallic taste of blood in his mouth, as if he had hurt himself when he had been trying to do the same thing before. What had happened? What the hell had…?
He immediately remembered when he felt a strong jab of pain in the lower part of his back when he tried to move his legs. It hurt, it hurt inside of him. He blushed. Kanda had been the one who had caused him that pain, Kanda had taken him, Kanda was…
It was normal, wasn't it? The first time hurt, his Master had said so. Because, although he was usually the lover of many married women or wealthy widows, Cross had also 'deflowered' some young girls; daughters of those same ladies who he slept with. His Master seduced them and they always nervously accepted in the beginning. He told them that it sometimes hurt when 'they did it' for the first time, but that in the end they would feel full and satisfied. He felt sick just thinking about those past memories.
He especially remembered a young girl; perhaps because he had heard Cross say that for the first time with her. Or perhaps because, while he had served his Master a bit of wine, she had said Allen had a really pretty face, that it was a pity he was marred by that scar and that horrible hair color. He had tried to smile at her, but he hadn't been able to manage it. Not because of the comments she had made about his physical appearance, but because he hadn't liked the way she had called him 'lovely' with a smile that resembled an expression of pity more than anything else. But she hadn't been able to concentrate on the English, because Cross had already drawn her attention by saying that her beauty couldn't ever be compared with the horrible face of his stupid apprentice. She had laughed and Allen had used that perfect opportunity to scram and get out of that room that had begun to make him feel dizzy.
He would have liked not to be present when his Master told the young girl that: that the first time tended to hurt. Allen didn't know what Cross meant about "the first time". He would have preferred not to find out that way what it meant to have sex, because hearing the girl let out a small scream of pain had really frightened him. He didn't know if he should go inside his Master's room or not when he knew it was forbidden for him to do so, but it had scared him, he wanted to know if the young girl was alright even if he hadn't really liked her. He knew his Master, despite that he hadn't been traveling with him for long, and he had never expected him to hurt any of the women he claimed to love so much. So the only thing he could think of was to open the door to make sure everything was okay.
They were both in the bed, him on top of her. She looked like she was crying, because his Master was sweetly caressing her face. 'The worst is over', he had told her to later kiss her lips. Allen's eyes were widely open, even more surprised when his Master leaned on his hands to lay completely on top of her, moving his hips while he looked at her with a strange glint in his eyes. She was still letting out a few soft protests while she held the man's shoulders with force. The small boy was really scared now. His Master, General Cross, was hurting a woman. That was it, right? Because those sounds coming out of her mouth seemed to be ones of pain. But, little by little, the tone of them changed and turned to anxious whispers. She was asking for more and his Master obliged by moving faster on top of her while she softly laughed, talking about her beautiful eyes, her gorgeous hair, her firm breasts.
A couple of moments later she was moaning with pleasure. Allen knew because they weren't murmurs anymore but screams, screams where she asked Cross to give her more, deeper, rougher. The boy covered his mouth with his hands, although for some reason he couldn't look away from the rhythmical movement of their bodies. He was caressing her, kissing her, telling her how beautiful she was while her hands drifted down the man's muscled back. He didn't know how long that lasted, but it was when he heard the woman let out a very loud scream that he closed the door, perhaps without the necessary care. He had crouched down, he had covered his ears with his hands and had tightly closed his eyes. After the young girl had come out of the room, she took her leave with a deep kiss from the red-head, still anxious and with her face somewhat flushed; without noticing the small figure at the side shaking uncontrollably. He knew Cross had noticed his presence, but he completely ignored him. He had only flicked his cigarette and had returned to his room again.
He had been unable to look at Cross in the face for various weeks. Ever since then he knew that whenever his Master began to drink with a woman it was because 'that' would happen, so he tended to leave the room when he could or occupy his head with something else. Sometimes it was really difficult, a lot of those ladies were too loud. And they always came back, harassing him when Cross disappeared (which happened a lot). Some of then narrated in full detail the way the man had conquered them, the way he had kissed them or touched them. And Allen couldn't do anything else but try to run away as fast as possible for the wellbeing of his mental stability.
He generally didn't like being close to women because he couldn't help but think of his Master doing those kind of things. Later he became used to that and he no longer worried about it as he grew up. Although it couldn't be said that he had come to like it, since he had never been incited by those images and sounds.
And if he had liked men since then? No: man. Kanda was the only one.
Kanda was the only one who had been able to make him feel that strange and pleasant way, he had shown him how different it felt when you were the protagonist instead of the spectator. Though he hadn't liked taking the 'woman's role at the beginning (because he was on the bottom like one), he had grown used to ending up with Kanda on top of him little by little. He liked to feel his weight on top of his body and hug him every time he made him reach his orgasm. That was what all those women looked for in his Master, because it felt really good; Cross made them feel ultimate pleasure, even with the pain he caused them in the beginning when it was that famous 'first time'.
So Allen knew that it would hurt. That's why he had gritted his teeth with force and gripped Kanda's shirt with his hands. Not to scream. He didn't want to be like those women, he didn't want to scream and cry from the pain because he was a man after all. He was still a man; he had bore many wounds throughout his life that didn't have anything in common with this. Anyways, it would feel good afterwards; it had felt good for those women and they always asked for more.
But that pleasure never came. There was only pain and those stupid tears that had begun to run down his flushed cheeks. He had tried to instinctively pull away, because his body was begging him to run away from whatever was hurting him. It was when he felt the Japanese's hands on his hips that he tried to calm down; after all, Kanda liked it. He could hear him moan softly while he buried himself in his body again and again. And, even though it hurt, if he knew that Kanda was enjoying it then he could bear it.
He owed it to him, after all.
He also knew that after it would be over there would be no affectionate words for him, not like the ones the General dedicated to all those women. Because, after all, this was Kanda. He would never give Allen any of that type of affection; although the Japanese seemed really scared when he had finished, as if he hadn't known what had happened. Didn't he know that the first time hurt? It was obvious that something like this would happen. It was obvious that he would bleed, those girls sometimes did it too, although he hadn't known that it would be the same for men. It was fine, it had only been the first time they had done it, it wouldn't hurt that much the second time.
Then why did he feel like he was broken inside? Damn tears, appearing in his eyes again to slide down his cheeks despite that his eyes were closed. Now it turned out that he was a lot weaker than a woman, although he had already suspected that. Ever since his mission had started he had realized the great respect he held for them, for having to bear all of these annoyances without any help when they were pregnant. Maybe that's why it had hurt so much: because women were a lot stronger than men in that aspect.
He was thinking about that when he felt someone touching him, grabbing his right arm with delicacy to pull him out of his position. He drowned out his moan of pain when they forced him to turn around, trying to make sure they didn't notice he had been crying. He slowly half-opened his eyes, only enough to try to see what was happening around him; he couldn't. He was looking for Kanda's long dark hair, something he could easily recognize. He soon felt something wet and cold between his elbow and forearm after they had carefully pulled his arm forward. A familiar sensation (although unpleasant) finally reached him when they punctured his vein with a needle. It was that liquid, the serum they gave him every day for his mission. He let out a soft protest, hearing Komui's voice over the ruling silence seconds after.
"You say he's been feeling ill since he woke up, Kanda-kun?"
"Che. I told you already. The idiot is a weakling, he's sick just as you've said." He trembled a bit when he heard Kanda speaking. He must have been the one who had called Komui and made up that quick excuse. He could feel his cheeks heating up.
"Mhm, we have been administering him medicine to suppress his defenses after all," a feminine voice said, probably the head nurse.
"That's right, to avoid any rejection against the girl. But it's no longer necessary, Allen-kun's body has apparently adapted rather well to her after these three months."
"Che."
He didn't understand much of what they had said. Only that Komui was talking about the baby. Well, of that baby girl. He closed his eyes, apparently the other three people in the room hadn't noticed he had been conscious the whole time. Because it wasn't that big of a deal, he had been hurt a lot worse by other things than by this little thing. But something kept him laying on the bed, without the desire to move or get up, as if he needed to rest for a very long time.
He had gone without sleep for several days before this. He had been on the verge of falling asleep in the library while he was writing if it weren't for Link watching him while he finished the reports that auditor Lvellie had requested from him. It was just that the nightmares didn't leave him alone; he couldn't remember them but he knew he had them because he woke up screaming, sweating and with an unstoppable tachycardia. It made him anxious, even and when he knew that if he told Kanda the man would tell him that he was being a crybaby. He clenched the left hand of his Innocence into a fist, carefully, as if he wanted to make sure it still functioned right. He let out a small sigh, so soft it didn't seem to bother the other three present people. He was sure Link was here too, watching him like always while Kanda gave him one of his best killer looks.
Howard Link didn't generally speak much, although he had looked pretty mad at Kanda the night before. He didn't blame him: the samurai's tact wasn't any better than his manners and he was the most stubborn person Allen knew (well, aside from himself). Link had told him that Kanda was only using him, that that was how guys like him treated the people around him. Allen had to hold himself back not to snap back: weren't the Commanders using him to get what they wanted, to carry this unborn exorcist in his stomach? But he preferred not to say anything and make things worse; the only thing he wanted was to finish this so he could go to sleep in Kanda's room.
He was thankful to the samurai for having asked for something like that; because he was sure that feeling the warmth of the Japanese's body close to his own would help him relax, to finally sleep after so much insomnia and nightmares. He had smiled sweetly before the inspector's incredulous gaze. Later he had asked himself how he could smile while thinking of Kanda. But it was inevitable now, he liked being at his side; even and when with Kanda the thorough touches and deep kisses always came first before talking and listening. He wouldn't lie to himself: he also liked it when the dark-haired man touched him so intimately; although sometimes he would have preferred if the man would simply hug him without saying anything, to simply hold him in his arms for a couple of more minutes. Was he really as pathetically ridiculous as he sounded?
But that would never happen with Kanda. Never.
The thunder was roaring a lot more loudly when he opened his eyes again. The needle had disappeared from his arm, and it looked like Komui and the nurse had already left. How long had it been since then? He didn't know. He tried to sit up, feeling another jab of pain that forced him to lay on his side again. He blushed, how long would he stay like this? He looked at his surroundings; he was still in Kanda's room after all. Although the only one he saw was inspector Link standing near the bed. He was going to ask him for the eastern exorcist, but he decided that that would be a really bad idea. He slowly turned around, complaining a bit; this was great: he couldn't lay on his back because it hurt terribly when he did that and he couldn't lay on his stomach because it felt really uncomfortable thanks to that small but obvious belly he now had.
He gripped the bed sheets with his left hand, without any strength, somewhat annoyed.
He noticed he was crying again and that this time it wasn't because of the pain. Perhaps it wasn't even because of the damn things they put in the serum. The truth was that he didn't know why those new uncontrollable tears were running down his cheeks. He saw Link through the humid layer that covered his eyes, who returned his gaze without saying anything. Howard Link had also told him that night that what Kanda and him did was forbidden by the Catholic Church, the original source of the Black Order. It was a sin that was punished by executing the ones involved in it. Allen didn't understand, but maybe it had something to do with the pain he was feeling, as if it were a sort of forced penance. Although in his world, liking a person was much more important then their sex.
Wait a minute, had he said he liked Kanda? He had already mentioned it before, liking the damn bastard that had used to make his life impossible. That's right. He liked him. He liked him a little more than as a simple comrade, maybe a little more than as a friend. But nothing else. He sighed softly. That's probably why he was crying; because liking hurt. And it hurt more when a person that you liked hurt you like what Kanda did to him despite that it wasn't his fault it was Allen's first time. Despite that he made him his even when Allen had told to him to stop.
So that was why he was crying. Now he understood. He closed his eyes again before falling into a deep sleep in spite of the discomfort he felt in this position.
When he opened his eyes he could no longer hear the drops of rain against the window of Kanda's room. He felt a little better now, although he noticed he couldn't move his right hand like he wanted to; that damn serum again. Well, at least he knew that he had spent more than one day in this place (that he remembered, of course). He looked for the nurse with his gaze, but he couldn't find her. Instead of that he could clearly see Kanda's long dark hair very close to him. The Japanese was apparently sitting in front of the bed, his back to him, leaning against the edge. He was reading, he knew because of all the piles of books he could see around him (even some on the bed, very close to him). Allen didn't know Kanda liked reading so much or that he would be willing to take out so many books from the library just so he could read them in his room. He couldn't help but smile.
He wanted to talk to him, ask him to stop reading for a second so he could kiss him, tell him that he could deepen the kiss as much as he wanted and that he wouldn't complain. But no words left his mouth. He was scared, although he soon reasoned and thought that it was obvious his voice wouldn't work the first time after having gone so much time without speaking. How much time really? He shook his head, trying to care little about it.
Just when he was about to try again he heard something being thrown against the floor, trembling a bit from the sudden sound. Kanda had thrown the book he had been reading on the floor with force, standing up seconds later. Allen followed him with his gaze, blinking. The other exorcist looked annoyed, though he didn't know the reason why. He had his brow furrowed while he ran a hand in his long hair again and again, a sight that would have tempted the English if it weren't because he wanted to know why the samurai was irritated when he had been pretty calm not too long ago. He was going to try to say something again when he heard Kanda's voice:
"Hey, inspector."'
Allen raised his gaze a bit, at least as much as he could in this uncomfortable position his body was in. There was Howard Link, exactly in the same position he had been the last time he had seen him. He was fixedly staring at Kanda, with an expression of total indifference on his face.
"The nurse is going to come back soon to take off the Moyashi's serum. Don't try to do anything to him, because if I find out that you even touched him I'll kill you."
Link only continued to look at Kanda after raising an eyebrow.
"I'm afraid I do not share your perversions, Yu Kanda."
"Che. Just don't get any closer to him than is necessary."
Perversion. That was the word Link used to describe the relationship Kanda and him had. And he was sure that he wouldn't be the only one, because judging by the inspector's reaction, he knew that no one in the Order would be okay with it. And if Komui found out? Lavi? Lenalee? He swallowed with difficulty. He had to get better soon so none of the others would worry and begin to investigate. It was somewhat stupid, but he would be more hurt if his friends hated him than if the Vatican punished him for soiling their religious institution with those sinful practices. He didn't know if they would be able to execute them, after all, they were both exorcists and they were necessary for this war. But he'd rather not risk it; he only wanted to stay next to Kanda, fighting at his side to fulfill his promise to Mana to never stop walking.
'Mana, what would you say about this?'
Mana was the only person that Allen loved. That would never change and he knew that. What he felt for Kanda was a lot different to the strong ties he had with his father, a lot less intense, right?
Right?
He moved again without wanting to when he heard the door being closed. Kanda had left. Kanda had left him alone in the room with Howard Link. And he hadn't even bothered to look back, to where he was. He frowned. Stupid bastard.
He tried to get comfortable in the bed despite the pulsing pain. Of course not, that idiot could never compete with Mana; Mana was everything to him. Although he couldn't help but cry because of the other exorcist, despite that he liked him more than as a friend, despite that he was the father of this baby; Kanda would never be able to stand side by side with Mana.
'This baby.'
He always forgot that Komui had said it was more likely it would be a girl and he didn't remember it this time either. He was going to caress his stomach, but he stopped. He had never done that and he planned on never doing it. He wanted his sweater back, he wanted to hide that as soon as possible. He simply didn't like looking at, it reminded him how awful he was for not being able to like the being that was growing inside of him. Mana had loved him despite of his arm, he had made him feel happy and safe, had made him desire to live more than anything else. But he couldn't do that with this baby. He couldn't.
He wouldn't be even half of the father Mana had been for him. He would never be a good father.
He hid his face in the bed sheets. He wanted to stop thinking, forget for a moment that he was committing a mortal sin by liking Kanda that way, forget that imbecile who had hurt him even more by completely ignoring him, forget that unborn child. He only wanted Mana. Only Mana. To remember how happy he had been during those three years he had been at his side before that fateful Christmas eve. He wasn't able to.
"Kan-da…"
'You're a complete idiot, Bakanda.'
He smiled with sadness. He too was an idiot after all. Only an idiot would want to hug the very same person who had hurt him, would want that person to kiss him so he would take away the pain he felt in his heart, help him like that baby he didn't want even if only a little. He was selfish, the only thing he wanted was to stop hurting. He didn't care. Because just like Mana was everything to him, Kanda was the only one who could make him come out of his pathetic state of self-pity.
But Kanda didn't come back. His eyes felt tired, the arm where the needle was buried in his skin was falling asleep, his body was tired. His mind too. He allowed the sleep to invade him, it no longer mattered if Kanda came back. He only hoped he would dream about Mana again, a scene of his life that weren't himself giving him death. A happy moment where he was only seven years old and was no more than a little clown performing one of his many comical routines at the side of his beloved father.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Open the door, Bakanda! I know you're in there!"
Allen was knocking on the door with more force, gaining various looks from some of the finders that were walking around the corridors. But he didn't care, as long as they didn't stare at him everything was okay. Although it was hard for the other's not to do it with how much noise he was making in front of the samurai's room.
"I already looked for you in the training room, in the library, in the cafeteria, in the corridors, I even went to Komui-san! So you have to be here…Wait, and if you're in the forest? Damn it!"
He hit his head on the door, rubbing his head afterwards. Damn it. He couldn't leave the tower to go look for him, he had too much to lose. He sighed loudly, turning his back to the room to lean against the wood. He carefully slid down to the floor, putting a hand down before falling completely.
How much time had this been going on? A week? Almost two? He didn't even remember. He only knew that the big idiot was avoiding him. He didn't even see him when he was allowed to sleep in his room, trying to stay awake until Kanda got back, but the sleep always beat him; and when he woke up there was no sign that the Japanese had ever been there. Actually, the last time he had seen him was when he had left him with Link that one time he had felt so sick.
He sighed again. He tried to get up but he didn't manage it in his first try. He cursed again. His stomach was growing so fast now, so much that he didn't fit in his usual trousers. Of course no one knew that; he was always very careful about covering himself as much as possible with the sweater and he was thankful that it was big enough to hide the fact that his clothes didn't fit him as well as before. There was no way he was going to let them make him wear a maternity dress, not if he could avoid it for as long as possible. He also avoided contact with Lenalee at all costs, the only one that hugged him now that Lavi was on a mission (a very long mission it seemed). He knew she would notice the size of his stomach and would scold him for using clothes that didn't fit him anymore. She would probably say it was bad for the baby and him.
He sighed.
He had to lean against the wall to be able to stand up. He didn't like that his body didn't respond as well as it did before, although he felt relatively better than when he had been in the first three months of his pregnancy. A lot better, actually. And he no longer had morning sickness and could eat whatever he wanted again, and he didn't need to go to the bathroom as constantly as before. He also didn't feel as tired, even and when his insomnia came back every once in a while, although for some reason it disappeared when he was allowed to sleep in the stupid swordsman's room.
Remembering Kanda made him feel irritated again. So he decided to go to the cafeteria and ask for some dango, that would surely cheer him up after spending so much time without eating them because, for some reason, they made him feel somewhat sick. But now he felt like eating some and he was going to eat for those three months that he hadn't been able to enjoy them. He still had time after all, inspector Link had a meeting with Komui (actually, that was when he pulled away from the German) and he knew that he would be there for a little more time. Anyway, today was supposed to be the day he was allowed to be with Kanda, but since the guy had suddenly disappeared he would enjoy the day in the best way possible.
He thought quickly: he had to get there, order his food and flee to his room so he could eat as he liked. He really didn't want to run into the supervisor's sister, but he really wanted to eat, so he decided to risk it. He walked as fast as he could to be able to reach the kitchen.
Only that, after hearing all of Jeryy's talk about how cute he looked, he saw Lenalee enter the cafeteria. And, just when he grabbed his plate of dango was when she called him.
"Allen-kun!"
She was already dangerously close to the table where Allen had placed his food when he had realized there was no way out. She tried to hug him, like she tended to do every now and then, but he gently pulled away from her reach. She would notice that he needed new clothes and he didn't want that to happen. The Chinese seemed to understand Allen's rejection, so she simply stood there, somewhat surprised. Although she immediately smiled kindly again.
"And Kanda? Aren't you supposed to be with him right now?"
"Yes, right."
He couldn't help the way his voice reflected some of the fury he felt towards the Japanese for leaving him without saying anything.
"Kanda and you are fighting, am I right?"
He blinked. He really wasn't expecting her to ask something like that.
"How do you-I mean, when aren't him and I fighting? That damn idiot," he muttered before taking one of the sticks of dango into his mouth and chewing excessively.
"This is different," the girl said, shaking her head. "Well, it's easy to notice. Kanda was with you all this time, and even when he wasn't that close, he was watching you. Lavi and I noticed and I'm sure the others did as well. And now Kanda and you are never in the same place. It's rare not to see you together."
"Then you've seen him," he asked, trying and failing not to seem anxious.
"Yes, very early in the morning or very late. I suppose he was training for some reason. Will you tell why you're fighting, Allen-kun?"
He was silent for a couple of more seconds. He didn't how to answer her, he obviously couldn't tell her about his relationship with Kanda, much less about what the man had done to him. He bit his lower lip, trying to think of something that would satisfy his comrade's natural curiosity.
"I'm sorry, Allen-kun. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it," the girl rushed to say before he could say anything. "I know it's very difficult for you to coexist with Kanda and now even more because of your pregnancy."
How to tell Lenalee that the real problem was the lack of coexistence he had with that Bakanda? He looked at her with tiredness.
"Can I speak with you alone, Lenalee?"
The girl looked surprised by that request, but she immediately nodded.
"Of course you can, Allen-kun! Just let me ask for some tea so we can chat better. Do you want me to get you something?"
"I think the dango is enough for me." He kindly smiled , like he always tendered to do despite that he didn't feel particularly polite today.
While she laughed softly to herself before leaving to ask for her order, he sat down to quickly eat his food. He didn't know why he had asked Lenalee for a private chat, wasn't he supposed to be avoiding her? Well, everything would be okay if he didn't let her touch his stomach, she would notice that he needed a new wardrobe. Suddenly something began to annoy him: and if Kanda no longer liked him? Maybe that's why he was avoiding him, because he didn't want to see him and touch him. After all, he no longer had the same body as before, he had gained weight and, and, and…
Stupidities! He rubbed his head with both hands. Why was he even thinking about those things? What a complete stupidity. Anyway, that was the idiot's problem, it wasn't as if Allen could help it, everything was that famed mission's fault. A mission they were both supposed to share.
He looked at the dango with his brow furrowed before eating them again while he cursed Kanda in his head with all the bad words he had learned from of all those people his Master Cross owed money to.
"I'm done, Allen-kun," the girl said, opening her mouth a bit when she saw how the English had already devoured all of his food.
The young boy turned around and said something completely incomprehensible to the human ear. Then he noticed she hadn't understood him so he swallowed everything he had in his mouth to try again.
"I'm sorry. Where can we talk?"
"Mhm, I know a place. Follow me."
He began to walk behind the Chinese after taking the few dangos he had left to eat them on the way. Lenalee was walking in front of him, holding her warm little cup of tea. He remembered how he had thought she was cute before. Actually, he still thought she was; she was very beautiful, sweet and brave. A great catch for anyone if they could manage to ignore the brother the poor girl had. But for him the rest of the world had ceased to exist thanks to Kanda. That Bakanda.
"Here we are."
Allen stopped to look at the girl as she opened a door; it was very big balcony. The air was fresh and he inhaled it in deeply, revitalized. It had been a really long time since he had seen something else besides the tower walls and he already felt desperate for a bit freedom. He practically ran to lean against the handrail, looking at everything in his surroundings. The sky, the hiding sun, the moon that had just begun to shine, the forest, the river; everything was wonderful, as if he had never seen it in his life before.
"It's beautiful, Lenalee!"
The female exorcist let out a small laugh, somewhat moved by the way Allen was behaving.
"Come, let's sit down," she suggested after giving him a little more time to look around. The English nodded as he blushed a bit, finally noticing the way he had been behaving, but he preferred not to say anything about it.
He sat down at her side in a little white bench that seemed perfect for admiring the sky that was slowly fading into a dark blue color. He suddenly smelled the scent of jasmine coming from Lenalee's tea, who was drinking it delicately, with a lot of manners. It was a very pleasant odor, so he closed his eyes and leaned against the bench. He knew he shouldn't relax so much or else he would fall asleep right there. Although just when he was about to say something it was his companion who started the conversation:
"Nii-san told me that it's very likely your baby will be a girl. Congratulations, Allen-kun! I'm sure she'll be a very adorable baby girl." She let out a small laugh, with her cheeks lightly flushed, maybe because of the happiness the news made her feel. "And I'll be able to rub it in Lavi's face that I was right."
But while the dark-haired girl softly laughed, Allen's gaze was lost. Lost in his own body. When he finally snapped out of it the only thing he did was cover himself with the sweater even more, shrinking back a bit. He didn't want to talk about that.
"Lenalee!"
She looked at him, surprised, her laughter stopping. The boy also returned her gaze, somewhat confused, as if he couldn't understand why he had called her. He began to play with the edge of the sweater, thinking about what the hell he was going to say now.
"What's wrong, Allen-kun?"
"Huh, I wanted, I wanted to know…"
He stopped to breathe in a bit of air. He had to say something, that was why he had wanted to talk to her. And Lenalee only looked at him, waiting. He swallowed before letting it all out in a rush of words:
"I wanted to know if it hurts the first time you do it!"
Had…had he said that out loud? His cheeks burned up. He wasn't supposed to say it like that. What the fuck had be been thinking? Asking Lenalee Lee that! But she was the only girl he talked to, well, there was Miranda too, but he didn't trust her as much. He realized it had been a stupid mistake to ask her something like that, specially her, that's why he wasn't expecting anything less than a slap in the face for his rudeness. Although perhaps Lenalee hadn't understood him, she was an innocent girl or so Komui said, too pure to be soiled with those kinds of things. Even so he had to apologize.
"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"
"It didn't hurt me at all."
Wait.
He looked at her with his eyes completely open. But she only calmly held his gaze before blushing slightly. Had she said…?
"What?!"
"Shh! Don't yell!" Lenalee quickly covered his mouth, placing her finger on her lips to shush him. "Even if we're here they can still hear us outside there if you scream."
He still hadn't completely calmed down when the Chinese pulled her hand back. She had sat down with her legs very close together while she looked at the floor. She seemed embarrassed, but was smiling with something that looked like nostalgia. Allen blinked, looking at her. He hadn't noticed that her hair was getting longer, although it wasn't easy to tell since she had begun to wear a couple of hairpins that matched her Chinese clothes really nicely. He noticed he was focusing on those little details so as to not think about the answer she had given him when he had been about to apologize.
"I'm sorry, Allen-kun. I know it was wrong and that you'll probably never look at me the same way as before. I'm sorry I let you down.
The English blinked again. Well, it was obvious he wouldn't look at her the same way as before. But why would she think she had let him down? He was the one who had asked her, after all.
"But you didn't let me down, Lenalee. I don't even know why you would think that."
"Well, because you're suppose to marry as a virgin. The Holy Bible says so."
He tilted his head. To tell the truth, he had never been interested in reading the Bible. The book looked too problematic, too long and the letters were too small. It wasn't that he didn't like to read, he simply preferred children's books a lot more, they were small and easy to read.
"The truth is that I don't really understand any of that, it doesn't worry me," he said, calmly, taking a bit of air before continuing. "Does Komui-san know?"
She paled before shaking her head.
"Of course not! If he knew he would lock me up and never let out so no one else would soil my purity even more."
The girl made a very funny face and Allen couldn't help but laugh. Lenalee was still Lenalee after all. The relationship he had with her hadn't changed at all; it didn't matter what a book said. Although he was very curious to know more now.
"Was it with someone I know?"
The female exorcist sighed dramatically (with an expression very alike to her brother's) to later nod.
"Yes."
Allen raised an eyebrow. Who could it be? Then suddenly something came to his head, something stupid and illogical. And if it had been Kanda? After all, he seemed really experienced in that matter with the way he touched and gave him pleasure. Perhaps he had learned with Lenalee. It wasn't that preposterous; she was pretty and intelligent and Kanda seemed to really respect her. She was the only one he didn't mess with after all. She spoke to him with a lot of familiarity too. He bit his lower lip.
"Who…?" he asked, although he didn't want to know. A very strange sensation appeared in his chest, and it hurt.
"Lavi."
He opened his eyes very quickly and turned around to look at her, the crazy ideas in his head completely disappearing.
"Lavi!?" He lowered the tone of his voice when he realized he had screamed again since Lenalee had motioned him to be quiet again. "I'm sorry. With Lavi?"
He felt a very big urge to beat the red-head suddenly take over him. Lenalee was like a sister to him and he wasn't happy that someone like Lavi had taken advantage of her. He stopped when he noticed he was starting to sound like Komui.
"Yes. And don't think bad of him, Allen-kun. We're both to blame. He had come back from a mission and I was depressed. It simply happened without there being a relationship in between."
It had been a very short explanation, but he nodded as if he had understood all of it. He really didn't want to know more about it. It was too much information for one day. Even if the urge to hit Lavi still hadn't left him. He'd do it the next time he saw him.
"But why did you ask me that?" the girl spoke again, managing to snap Allen out of his thoughts.
He blinked with surprise. Then blushed. Right, how could he explain that he had asked that because he wanted to know first hand if what had happened to him was normal? He didn't know why he had asked something like that so directly. As if he could compare their situations. She was a girl, apparently aware of what she had done. He was a man and he wasn't sure about what he had done.
"Be-because…" he stammered, not knowing how to answer her.
But she only smiled warmly at him before caressing his face with tenderness. He raised his gaze, somewhat flushed from that very gentle touch.
"Don't worry, Allen-kun. I'm sure the girl you make love to will really enjoy it. You're kind and considerate, I'm sure it'll feel good with you. Although it wouldn't be good if you forced her, perhaps she'll decide to wait until she marries." She let out a small and gentle laugh when she saw the snow-haired boy's confused expression "Remember that for a woman the most important thing is being treated sweetly and with respect. To feel loved. That's why I know you'll do it right, Allen-kun, because you give yourself to the people you love. She'll be happy with you."
He opened his mouth to say something, but immediately closed it again. He couldn't tell Lenalee that he was 'the girl' in that complicated situation, that Kanda had been the one who had taken him for the first time. And that it had really hurt. He held himself back so as to not say anything else; it wasn't a good idea to complicate things. He mentally scolded himself again for having asked something that couldn't even hope to be compared with his situation.
Although he now knew more about women (and Lenalee, specially about her). He asked himself if all of them had found that when they had sex with his Master. Also, that was a new interesting term: what exactly was 'making love'? It sounded stupid, something that would make Kanda make a face of disgust for simply hearing it being said.
"Allen-kun? Are you okay?"
He was a bit startled to hear the Chinese's voice, as if he had completely forgotten that she was here. He smiled at her as calmly as he could, trying to make sure she didn't notice the swarm of thoughts he had in his head. Lenalee returned his smile, looking at him again before hugging him. Allen simply wrapped his arms around the girl, without knowing why she had suddenly felt like doing that.
Wait a minute. She was hugging him!
He immediately pulled away, standing up while the dango sticks he had been eating fell to the floor before Lenalee's surprised expression.
"I have to go. Link-san's probably already in Kanda's room."
"Allen-kun."
"Bye!"
He made a quick bow before leaving through the door despite that he could still hear her calling him. It was very likely she would catch up to him, after all, Lenalee was a lot faster than all the other exorcists even when she didn't have her Innocence. But he hoped he would at least be able to lose her before she found him.
Of course the final result would be him getting completely lost instead of her. He really liked the Order, he considered it his home, but he hated all the damn corridors that looked so alike to each other. He sighed loudly. Perhaps it would have been better to let Lenalee catch him before he got scolded by Link. If he even managed find him, that is. He leaned against one the walls, tired. He had no idea where he was and he had already lost all hope of finding the right way back. But, to his great luck, he could see a golden twinkle flying close to him. He smiled.
"Timcanpy!"
The golden golem placed himself on Allen's hands to later be hugged by the boy, completely relieved to have company and a safe ticket out of here. Although he was surprised to see Tim here too, he remembered having left him in his room because he thought that maybe Kanda would be annoyed to see him and that it would give the man another reason to avoid him. But Timcanpy was here, completely oblivious to his internal dilemma. He looked at him.
"What are you doing here?"
He saw the golem flutter in his hands, pointing at the corridor close to him. He opened his eyes with surprise. It was Kanda.
Kanda, wearing only a pair of black pants. He had a towel on his shoulder and his hair messily held together as if he had done it really fast. He looked like he had just finished taking a shower and was walking back to his room. He thought about calling him, to finally demand to know the reason of all the lack of attention he had given him these past two weeks. But then he decided it was much better to follow him to his room, once they were there they could argue without having the excuse that someone could hear them in the way.
Anyway, if Kanda noticed what he was doing, he could easily tell him he was going to his room and that it wasn't his fault Komui had moved him so close to the other's own. He smiled with malice, sure that Kanda wouldn't be able to escape him this time.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
He made a show of stretching himself while he walked to the cafeteria. He had just gotten back from a long mission of almost three weeks and he was relived to finally be able to come back to the Order. Although, more than to rest, he really wanted to see the Moyashi.
A four month pregnant Moyashi. He was dying to see that.
Furthermore, he had very interesting reading material. He had managed to obtain the reports about the experiments the Black Order had done concerning male pregnancies. He had taken them without Panda's permission and he knew that he would be screwed if the man found out he was stealing information he still wasn't supposed to know. But he was really curious about it, after all, Allen was going through that and he wanted to know everything he could to help him. Or annoy him, that was better.
That's why he was only going to the cafeteria for a really strong coffee to be able to stay awake all night if necessary. He was asking the cook for that when he saw Lenalee walking with an empty cup and what looked like to be a couple of woodened sticks. He smiled.
"Hey, Lena!"
"Ah, Lavi, I'm so glad you're back!" she said, rushing towards the red-head.
"Sure, of course. If you really were that glad you would have gone to look for me at the port." He pouted, managing to make the Chinese laugh a little. "Have you seen the Moyashi-chan lately? You have to tell me everything!"
"Actually, I just had some tea with Allen-kun," the Chinese informed him, placing what she had was carrying in her hands on one of the empty tables, "he asked me a really strange question."
"Eh? What kind of question? Tell me, I need to know!" She had managed to wake up Lavi's curiosity and he wanted to know absolutely everything.
"Mhm, no, I won't tell you," smiled Lenalee before the red-head's loud protest. "What I do know is that he escaped before I could ask him something."
He raised an eyebrow.
"You can tell me that, right? I mean, I think you know that what you don't want to tell me I'll find out about by myself," he jokingly exclaimed, pointing at himself with an air of smugness.
"Yes, yes, I know that," she murmured, with a little sweat drop running down her face. "The only thing I want to know is why he never takes off that sweater."
"He's still wearing that thing? Well, it looks like our little Moyashi is embarrassed about us finding out that he's getting fat." He let a mocking laugh, managing to make Lenalee look at him with anger.
"That's not getting fat, it's completely normal! Allen-kun should know that. Maybe nii-san should have a talk with him about that."
"Calm down, Lenalee. I know it's normal. But I'm sure Yu's been 'teasing' the Moyashi about that, maybe that's why he's embarrassed."
Lenalee looked at him with seriousness, as if carefully analyzing if it was possible Kanda was being mean to Allen.
"Speaking of Kanda, something strange is happening," the girl softly said, managing to catch Lavi's attention again. "It's been two weeks since I've seen those two together. You know that Kanda worries about Allen-kun even if he doesn't want to admit it, besides feeling responsible because after all this is about his mission too. That's why it seems strange to me, I think something really bad happened between them."
Lavi brought his hand up to his chin. So Yu had finally gotten sick of the Moyashi and quit. No, that couldn't be it. Even if the Japanese hated Allen with all of his strength, he would never not finish a mission. Now he had another 'valid' reason to stalk his dear Yu until he found an answer.
"Hey, Lenalee."
"Yes?" The Chinese blinked after having looked at the bookman apprentice for a long time as he digressed his thoughts.
"Can I have one of your hairpins?"
The girl looked him to later sigh.
"You're incorrigible, Lavi," Lenalee exclaimed, while she took off what Lavi had asked her for from her dark green locks.
He only smiled, trying to look as innocent as possible. He obviously failed.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Kanda!"
He managed to catch up to him before he closed the door, catching it with his left hand.
The Japanese let out a very loud grunt.
"What's wrong with you, Moyashi?"
"Is that all you have to say? You're an idiot."
Kanda looked at him with his brow furrowed, although he looked very strange like that, with his hair all tangled up into a very messy ponytail and a couple of drops of water sliding down his naked chest. He blushed a bit, though he couldn't ask Kanda how he could walk around the Order so calmly when he was half-naked, specially with how cold the tower was inside.
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Can we go inside your room?"
The dark-haired man was still looking at him with something alike to scorn. It made Allen feel bad, but he wasn't going to back off before this bastard just because of that. He finally walked inside the room despite Kanda's protests and rude words. He stood at the side of the bed, defiantly looking at him with his arms crossed, without realizing that perhaps in Kanda's eyes this looked more like tantrum than anything else.
"Stupid Moyashi. Where the hell is that damn inspector?'
The English blinked. Right, he hadn't seen Link since that one time, though he was supposed to come look for him in Kanda's room. But he hadn't expected the conversation to turn towards the inspector. He took as much air in as possible before he began to speak.
"That doesn't matter. What I want to know is why the hell are you avoiding me."
The other exorcist was fixedly staring at him again. For some reason it made him feel uncomfortable, still unable to get used to Kanda's penetrating looks.
"You really are an imbecile."
"Stop with the stupidities and answer me, Bakanda."
He saw him scoff him again, letting down his wet hair while he turned his back to him. Kanda grabbed the towel he was carrying on his shoulder and began dry his black locks, ignoring Allen completely. Although the boy didn't look as offended as he should be because he was still looking at Kanda, somewhat dazed without wanting to. He almost never saw Kanda without a shirt, the one who usually ended up without any clothes was him (well, before his pregnancy became more noticeable). He looked more at Kanda's shoulders than anything else. He knew he had a tattoo on his chest, he had seen it when they had been at the Ark, what he didn't know was why it looked a lot bigger, so much that he could see it from this angle. Probably his imagination, of course.
"You shouldn't be here."
He tilted his head. The Japanese had spoken very softly. He never spoke like that. Allen couldn't help but feel worried.
"Kanda?"
He didn't answer him. He was still with his back to him, but he had stopped moving. Hesitantly, he got closer to him. He reached out with his hand to touch him, but Kanda abruptly turned around when he did, slapping his hand away so he would back off. Allen quickly pulled away, startled by that sudden action.
"Don't touch me," he told him, coldly.
Allen's lips parted. He didn't know how to interpret that. Perhaps he should feel sad or scared by that rejection; however, for some reason, it made him feel mad. So the only thing he did was punch him straight in the face, taking the older boy off guard, who had to lean against the wall so he wouldn't fall. He had done it with a lot of force, he even felt his hand burning after he had let out his anger. But he didn't care, he didn't care at all.
"Is it possible to know what the fuck is wrong with you?!" Kanda snapped after he had wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Allen barely noticed he had made him bleed.
"You…are…"
He couldn't finish. He had begun to cry despite himself, scrubbing his face to stop the tears from running down his cheeks. Damn Kanda, this was his fault. It was his fault he was crying again.
"Don't cry, stupid Moyashi!
Sure, as if it was so easy to stop now that he had already started. Even so he tried; hating to be seen like this, specially by Kanda. He was still rubbing his eyes with his right arm, with even more force. What he hadn't expected was to feel a warmth surrounding him. He opened his eyes with surprise, his sobs stopping almost instantly. Kanda was hugging him with a lot of clumsiness, almost hurting him. But he was so impressed that no word left his mouth.
"An idiot, you're an idiot."
He heard him speak close to his ear, causing a shiver to run down his back. He ran his hands over the Japanese's back, caressing his wet hair, noticing how cold it was. Even so he leaned his head against one of the other's shoulders, calming down a little despite that he could still hear the various insults Kanda was dedicating him.
"Kanda…" he whispered, only to feel how the dark-haired man pulled away from him as quickly as possible. Kanda turned his back to him again, running a hand in his hair before the younger boy's attentive gaze.
Because Allen couldn't do anything else but look at his partner with concern. That had been a very out of place gesture. Kanda only hugged him when they were in the bed, as part of those intimate touches he gave him.
"You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't," the Japanese repeated, shaking his head.
"Why not?" Allen wanted to know, confused by the other's words and actions. Something came to him again. He sighed, knowing it was stupid, but he didn't know what else to say anymore. "You don't want to touch me anymore, Kanda?"
The samurai was looking at him again, raising an eyebrow. He looked truly surprised.
"What did you say?"
"That, if you don't want to touch me anymore," the English murmured, somewhat embarrassed to have to say that again. "Maybe I didn't meet your expectations. Maybe you no longer like my body. I don't know."
He felt like an idiot for saying something like that, but it could be the truth. Kanda was a very attractive man, with a horrible temper, but that didn't take away his outer beauty. And he knew that, deep inside of him, Kanda cared for a him a little. Even though it was only because of the baby, he cared for him. What he was no longer sure about was if that was important to someone with a personality like Kanda's when it came to physical attraction.
He raised his gaze and noticed the expression of fury Kanda was wearing on his face. This time he really was scared. He knew it! He shouldn't have said something like that. He stepped back when he saw the older of two get closer to him. He swallowed.
Kanda had hugged him again, but his hands drifted down his back, causing him to blush when he felt them on his ass. The Japanese was pressing him against his body, getting rid of the distance between their hips. His cheeks turned completely red when he felt an obvious erection on part of the other man. He placed his hands on Kanda's chest, trying to pull away because he didn't know how to react to that very direct gesture. But Kanda didn't let him go, not until he spoke again.
"This is what you cause in me, Moyashi. You have no idea how many times I had to jerk off thinking about you all this time, so don't start with your damn stupidities."
He thought it was impossible to blush even more, but somehow his body managed it. He felt really hot, even more after hearing what Kanda had said. He had stopped trying to pull away from Kanda to lean against him, while he breathed in harshly despite that nothing more than this close corporeal touch had happened. Then the dark-haired man grabbed him by his shoulders to push him away, causing him to let out a sound of protest. He looked at Kanda with shyness. He didn't know if for Kanda this was some of sort of confession, but he had really gotten his temperature to go up, so much that he would have taken off the sweater if not because he didn't want Kanda to see him.
But Kanda didn't seem to think the same thing because he was already unbuttoning the sweater to kiss his neck. He let out a light moan, having to lean against Kanda again. He had missed this, being touched by the other exorcist, feeling his lips against his neck. He swallowed again, bringing his arms down to grab the other's face to pull him away from himself. The samurai looked at him with a bit of confusion, some anger even. He smiled softly, closing his eyes before bringing the dark-haired man's face close to his own, chastely kissing him on the lips. He didn't catch the expression Kanda had drawn on his face, although when he opened his mouth to let the Japanese enter he noticed he was enjoying it as much as he was.
He hugged him, without pulling away from Kanda's mouth even for an instance, pressing his body as close as possible. The older man was the one who pulled away first, pressing his forehead against Allen's, having to bend down a little, making the English draw another smile on his lips.
"We have to stop this now," the other exorcist murmured.
Allen raised an eyebrow, not understanding how Kanda could say such a thing. He asked him that, with an expression on anxiety on his face.
"Why?"
The other pulled away from him a third time, bringing his hands to his head with desperation.
"Because I don't want to hurt you again, Moyashi."
"Hurt me?"
He blinked. He was saying that because of that first time, right? But he had told him that the first time always hurt! That Bakanda.
"I told you the first times hurts. It was obvious something like that would happen," he solemnly said.
"No! That wasn't supposed to happen!"
He had managed to make him jump a bit.
"Kanda?"
"Idiot, stupid Moyashi. How could you accept what I did to you so easily?"
He frowned. Of course it hadn't been easy for him to accept that Kanda had taken him without consent, that he had taken advantage of his exhaustion and the doubts in his head. That he had asked him about those symbols that were only his and Mana's, and no one else's.
"You even let me sleep with you. You really are an imbecile."
"I did it because I wanted to! Don't think I did for you, Bakanda!"
He was about to hit him again but this time he couldn't hold himself together. He only hoped he wouldn't start crying again because that would only ruin the image he wanted to show to Kanda. Allen was strong, he wasn't going break because of something like that, even and when it still hurt. Not physically, but mentally. And he felt that pain grow every time he was away from Kanda.
The other was intently looking at him again without Allen noticing it. He was too busy trying not to let himself be ruled by his contradicting feelings, so he was startled when he felt Kanda's hand on his head. He wasn't caressing him, actually, he was applying pressure. He gritted his teeth.
"Stop doing that! It hurts!"
"Idiot."
Kanda momentarily let him go, because his hand was on Allen's chin now, bringing his face closer so he could kiss him. The English was confused, though feeling that kiss made him relax. He didn't understand Kanda, he didn't even understand himself. Did this mean everything was okay? Or that it was completely wrong? Perhaps they were both just two idiots and that's why they always ended up like this, without a coherent conclusion.
He was concentrating on returning Kanda's kiss, feeling him while he freed him of that thick sweater. He no longer cared if Kanda saw him, the only thing he wanted was to forget about everything again. Lose himself in Kanda's touches; who had already slipped his hands inside the sweater, touching him over the thin shirt that just barely fit him.
That's why he didn't notice the soft metallic sounds that were coming from outside Kanda's room.
It was only until the door completely opened that they pulled away, without being able to fix their clothes; Allen's sweater was on the floor, the first couple of buttons of his shirt were open, both of them were sweating and panting from the lack of air after that very long kiss.
The small boy felt his soul leaving his body. He couldn't move, even so he unconsciously gripped Kanda's arms with force.
"Lavi…"
+To be continued+
Final Notes: Ah, is it just me, or did it sound like Allen and Lenalee had a very intimate 'girl-to-girl talk? Lol, maybe it's just me, but Allen was so cute, thinking Kanda didn't like him because he no longer had his super delicious body (I would take a pregnant Allen any day to have fun with *shot, shot*). Anyway, I apologize again for the super, unforgivable, long wait, and I hope you can one day forgive me for that. Well, I'll see you next weekend, and thanks for reading us. We hoped you liked~