The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Apathy
Pen name: LightStarDusting
Character POV: Bella
Rating: M

Chapter 21 - This Boy
2007

The morning after our New Year's party was filled with bagels we'd bought the night before from the bakery down the street, mimosas that Alice insisted on, and a lot of mumbling while we all tried to wake up. Our friends lingered, sprawled on our couches and in the guest room, until Edward herded them out the door close to noon. I started to clean the house, picking up empty beer bottles and plates that never made it into the kitchen, looking for any reason to prolong the upcoming conversation just a little bit longer, but Edward was on to me. He took the bottles from my hand, set them on the counter and pulled me to the couch.

Tears filled my eyes before Edward even opened his mouth to speak. I was non-confrontational by nature. The going got tough and I ran for the hills. Granted, it wasn't the best way for me to handle myself but it was the only way I really knew how to function. I'd never really had to run and hide from Edward before; he was the one person I'd always felt completely safe with.

When Edward found me that day outside the bookstore, flailing around like a fool, I was able to put my trust and faith into someone once again. Somehow I knew that he was the one that I could move forward with.

That evening we'd spent together in the planetarium, something changed inside me, and it was in large part due to Edward Cullen. After the laser show was over, we sat in the empty auditorium and talked, not wanting the night to end. The discussion was about everything and nothing. We told each other stories of our childhoods, compared scars (both physical and emotional), laughed so hard it was difficult to breathe, and learned more about each other as people.

Time was practically non-existent; one moment, people were filtering out of the auditorium and the next, Edward was looking at his watch, surprised that it was nearly three in the morning.

He walked me to my apartment, each of us reluctant to part ways but knowing that neither of us would be able to function for our first day of classes if we talked longer. I tried to persuade him to come inside, to just crash at my place. Edward insisted he'd be fine to drive to the off-campus apartment that he shared with his sister; she would worry if he didn't come home. I wasn't sure exactly what I was thinking, whether he'd stay on the couch or in my bed, but it didn't matter because he joked that he wanted to keep his virtue intact.

And then, in the moment where I'd normally be wondering if I should go for the kiss or the hug, he made the decision for us, cradling my face in his hands and tilting it up before placing a soft kiss on my lips. He said something about hoping he wasn't being too forward and I told him he wasn't as I wrapped my arms around his neck, this time initiating the kiss myself.

We revolved around each other from that day forward, spending a good amount of time together but functioning separately, as well. I'd visit him on nights that he worked the laser light show, randomly popping in if I had a night class or bringing him a drink from the machine. He'd come to visit me at the radio station, stopping by at the end of a set and then driving me back to my apartment, or his, to watch a movie or have dinner. I got to know Alice better while hanging out in their apartment, and she told us about a boy she had started to spend time with. At that point I didn't know it was Jasper, neither did Edward.

Our lives intertwined comfortably and we moved forward together. Moving forward was always the goal. So why had I recently come to a complete halt? It seemed like the one thing we needed to talk about, I couldn't. The one thing that came so easily for me the first night was ever-elusive.

I felt his hand upon my face and his thumb swept under my eyes as I closed them, willing the tears to stop. He pulled me into his chest and held me there, his arms wrapped around my own, as I composed myself. What a way to start the year.

Once I was pretty sure that I'd be able to speak without losing it, I pulled back from him and attempted a small smile. His hands held mine and he nodded. I knew he would be delicate with his wording but I also knew he wouldn't hold back from saying what he truly felt. It was something that I needed. I'd been running for too long.

"Bella, this isn't us. It's not how we operate. We've always had open communication, throughout our entire relationship. But lately," he stopped and looked around, a bit helpless as to how to proceed. "Lately, I've noticed that you've needed space, and I've been trying to be patient while you figure things out. You know I'm a patient guy, but... but we need to figure out what's going on here."

I was quiet because I didn't know what to say. He was right. I'd been living in my head, in the past, more than with him in the present. I was physically there, but mentally, I was running back instead of moving forward. Why is that? "You're right and I'm not exactly sure why I've been acting the way I have been recently. I don't know. Maybe I'm scared." His hands squeezed mine at the admission.

"Scared of what?" He prompted me with his question.

My mind raced. I was scared of everything: of moving forward, of growing up, of that next step. The words tumbled from my mouth, one right after the other, before I could stop them. I finished with, "Of not being ready."

The expression on his face was difficult to read but I could tell that he was thinking about my words and considered his own before he spoke. "Listen, I have to tell you, I want this." He motioned with a hand at the room around us. "Our house and our life together, I want it all. But only if you want it, too."

I was afraid to say anything that would make him think otherwise. I wanted it, too, and I whispered the words quietly.

"See, Bella, even your response..." His words trailed off, and he looked up to the ceiling. I didn't need to see his eyes to know the pain I had caused there. "You think that doesn't kill me? I love you more than life and… damn it, you shouldn't be whispering that and I sure as hell don't want you to be sad at the thought."

"I know, Edward! Don't you think I know?" I tried to rationalize. "I want this but I just…" I trailed off. I just, what? Work it out, Bella. Verbalize. "I need to work some things through in my head before I'm-"

"You've been working things through in your head for the past couple of months but it's gotten you nowhere out here." He gestured around the room once more, this time sweeping his hand between us. I sat silently, knowing that while his words were angry, his motives were not. "You need to figure this out some other way. The apathetic attitude, the phoning it in, has to stop. Whatever it is that's keeping you from this commitment and from me, you need to work through that. If you need to talk to someone or… hell, I don't know. Just figure this out. For us."

While Edward might have asserted that he wasn't a mind reader the previous night, it seemed like he was almost hinting that he knew there was unfinished business that I needed to attend to.

After we'd gotten together, I'd seen Jasper around the campus and surprisingly, it was not awkward like I had expected it to be, or even the way it might have been had it been the prior semester. Time and space worked their magic, and emotionally I was able to handle things. He was my past and I was able to separate the two.

And it might have stayed that way, had fate not stepped in and dealt that very cruel twist.

One day Edward showed up at my apartment, pale-faced and asking about Jasper. I'd already divulged the story that first night at the planetarium, so I wasn't exactly sure what he was getting at with his line of questioning. Instead of playing guessing games, I asked him flat out what was going on.

It was then that he told me he'd finally been introduced to Alice's boyfriend: Jasper.

I believe my exact reaction was "Oh!" Followed quickly by "So?"

He ran his hand over the back of his neck and explained that he didn't like the idea of Jasper hurting his two best girls.

It became clear to me right then and there that I needed to run interference, not for my sake but for Alice's. At that time I didn't know the depth of their relationship and I didn't know that it would have staying power but I knew that I didn't want Edward to ever worry for Alice's heart based on my own experience. I gently reminded him that any hurt that I'd felt with regard to Jasper was because I pulled away. My explanation seemed to pacify Edward and he relaxed against the back of the couch, pulling me against him, much like he did in our own living room, seven years later.

We didn't talk much more after that about Jasper and me, but our circle expanded to include him once again. Jasper and I moved around each other with the grace of well-trained dancers; we were in one another's presence often but we did fancy sidesteps and turns, never being alone in the same room together and never discussing what had happened between us.

It seemed as though we were both past it.

Until we no longer… weren't. It seemed to stem from the conversation on the swings after the concert in September. And here I was facing another new year, and instead of moving forward, I looked way back.

I guess it always lingered, but it wasn't something either of us acknowledged. That quiet cling had grown louder recently and I couldn't understand why. All I knew was that my heart was taking issue with the progression that was supposed to naturally happen at this point in my life.

Edward and I were together for six or seven years (depending on who you asked). We lived together, loved together, laughed together. The next logical step was marriage. So why was it that I was suddenly scared to even talk to him about the most mundane things? I'd never had had an issue opening up to Edward. Ever.

"I want this." I said it again, this time louder, asserting myself, yet still staring at our entwined hands in our lap. I was trying to convince him. And myself.

Edward shifted off of the couch, kneeling in front of me so that his face was looking up at mine. "Baby. Look at me." Our eyes met, mine unsure and his earnest. "Ten years from now, will regret be there?" I started to shake my head but he stopped me with his words. "We can't let this linger any longer. I've waited to see if you would figure this out on your own, but you're not. If this conversation is the push that you need, if this is what it takes, well… here it is, Bella. It's not an ultimatum; it's me asking you, for the sake of us, either together or separately, if you can work this out."

And I knew that I needed to. I nodded my head before hugging him and promising that I would get my act together.

He pulled back at my words, looking down at me and frowning. I felt like everything I said in this conversation was wrong. "It isn't an act, Bella, it's our lives. Do what you need to do and know that I'm here to talk about it all. Like I've always been, and like I'll always be, no matter what."

I leaned into him, hugging him again. "I know. Thank you."

Edward continued to clean the house while I headed off to the shower, thinking about what I needed to do to make things right. To make us right.

Six years ago, on that night when I took Edward's hand, my life's timeline split into two: Before Cullen and After Cullen.

Some might say that using a man to define my timing as a person is a gross and needy way to portray myself. Hell, I'd probably say that about someone if that someone weren't me.

I'd just found that, if you looked at a calendar of my life, there are two distinct eras in it, and the timing happens to coincide perfectly either in front or behind that line, the before and the after.

The time I spent alone between the first semester of my freshman year and the summer that followed allowed me to define myself as a person, outside of a relationship. That alone time was important in my self-discovery because I'd never really envisioned myself as an individual before that point. When I was at home, I always had my parents, my friends, and James; all of whom I related to as a daughter, a friend, and a girlfriend.

After my arrival at college, I feared alone time, not knowing how to deal with myself as an individual. I wasn't ready for it at that point, which made it so easy to cling to Jasper. It's what I needed at the time, that connection. Perhaps things wouldn't have panned out the way that they did if we didn't rely on each other as much as we did, prior to that night. Who's to say?

The turning point really came when I was alone for the spring semester. I had time to reflect on myself as an individual, where my attention should be focused and what I needed in order to be happy in my life. Through my quick fling with Jacob, I was able to see what I wasn't looking for in a man. He was nice. Not outstanding, not amazing, but nice. And while nice is a good thing, it shouldn't be the only thing.

I knew one thing for certain: I needed Edward in my life.

Once I was out of the shower, I went to our bedroom. While getting dressed, I thought more of my next step. Seeing as Edward had already laid things out for me, I figured that I was ready for a straight-shooter to call me on my bullshit. Picking up the phone, I dialed a familiar-but-not- used-often-enough number.

"Lucy?"

"But this boy wants you back again." – The Beatles

KrisBCullen is my beta love and I have to say, this chapter would not be what it is without her.

ElleCC suffered during this one. She gets pats and snugs from TheHeartofLife, Miztrezboo, and LoreliD (who's not very sympathetic ;)). And me. Many many many. I'm so lucky to have these girls as my prereaders and my cheerleaders.

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