Last time… chapter 21 (since it's been awhile)

Six years ago, on that night when I took Edward's hand, my life's timeline split into two: Before Cullen and After Cullen.

Some might say that using a man to define my timing as a person is a gross and needy way to portray myself. Hell, I'd probably say that about someone if that someone weren't me.

I'd just found that, if you looked at a calendar of my life, there are two distinct eras in it, and the timing happens to coincide perfectly either in front or behind that line, the before and the after.

The time I spent alone between the first semester of my freshman year and the summer that followed allowed me to define myself as a person, outside of a relationship. That alone time was important in my self-discovery because I'd never really envisioned myself as an individual before that point. When I was at home, I always had my parents, my friends, and James; all of whom I related to as a daughter, a friend, and a girlfriend.

After my arrival at college, I feared alone time, not knowing how to deal with myself as an individual. I wasn't ready for it at that point, which made it so easy to cling to Jasper. It's what I needed at the time, that connection. Perhaps things wouldn't have panned out the way that they did if we didn't rely on each other as much as we did, prior to that night. Who's to say?

The turning point really came when I was alone for the spring semester. I had time to reflect on myself as an individual, where my attention should be focused and what I needed in order to be happy in my life. Through my quick fling with Jacob, I was able to see what I wasn't looking for in a man. He was nice. Not outstanding, not amazing, but nice. And while nice is a good thing, it shouldn't be the only thing.

I knew one thing for certain: I needed Edward in my life.

Once I was out of the shower, I went to our bedroom. While getting dressed, I thought more of my next step. Seeing as Edward had already laid things out for me, I figured that I was ready for a straight-shooter to call me on my bullshit. Picking up the phone, I dialed a familiar-but-not- used-often-enough number.

"Lucy?"

I Will
Chapter 22

"Bella! How are you, my darling? It's been far too long."

"I'm… okay. Wait. Say something else." Lucy sounded, well, un-Lucy-like although I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

"Just a moment, B." Her voice sounded stuffy and strange. I heard muted laughter in the background and Lucy covered the phone, saying something before turning her attention back to me. "I'm moving into the study but alas, I cannot speak for too long, we're meeting Demetri's parents for lunch."

I'd been to the house Lucy shared with Demetri before and I happened to be well aware that while it was quite lovely, there was nary a study to be found. "The study? Watch out for Colonel Mustard. I hear he lurks in there, wielding a candlestick."

"Hush. Now, how's 2007 treating you so far? Have you made any resolutions?" she continued and I figured out exactly why she sounded odd. She was speaking with a British accent, her very best impression of Julie Andrews.

"Um, things are okay here. Resolutions? I resolve to be a better friend and call my college roommate more often. See how well I'm doing already?" I asked sardonically. Since I'd begun acting like a crazy person after the concert, I'd been in more contact with Lucy. Our friendship went through ebbs and flows but we were always able to pick up where we left off and it was one of the things I'd come to appreciate the most about our relationship. "How was your trip to England?"

"Simply amazing and definitely not long enough. I think Demetri and I must schedule to move there, immediately." Her pronunciation of both "schedule" and "immediately" were quite impressive.

"I notice you picked up the accent there. How very Madonna of you, " I said dryly, as I leaned back on the pillows and pulled the comforter over my legs.

She let the Madonna comment slide. "Well, let's get down to business because while I know that I might be the subject of your resolution, which you totally need to follow through on by the way, I know you aren't calling me just to shoot the shit. We'll talk about my awesomeness later." Lucy never did lack self-esteem. "What's up?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"Maybe I'm just that intuitive. Plus, your emails have been more forthcoming lately, which I appreciate, since usually it's like pulling teeth with you. Especially in written form when I can't badger you properly." I smiled at her comment; we both knew it was the truth. "So, did you finally talk with Edward?"

And there was my opportunity, my opening to spill.

Telling Lucy was easy and she heard it all, from the lead up (I had started to tell her just about last night but apparently that wasn't good enough, she wanted "the recap," as she called it) to the inevitable discussion that finally took place just a few hours before. Like always, she listened and didn't comment until I finished my summation.

And then? Straight-shot of real from Lucy, sans accent.

"Well, it's about freaking time. He grew a set and didn't let you run. Give Cullen a high five from me."

I let out a snort at the high five comment. "Will do. So now, I have to figure out my next step."

Lucy pointed out the obvious. "What's there to figure out? Bella, you know your next step."

"I do?" I did. I'd taken great strides with the conversation with Edward, but I was still me, after all and avoiding wasn't completely out of my realm of possibility.

"You do." She huffed out a sigh, a classic Lucy why do I always have to point out the obvious to you, Bella? sigh. "Say it. Out loud." Always the direct route with Lucy. Her prompting elicited no response from me and she huffed. "What's that saying? When one door closes, a window opens? No, that's not right. Hold on." I heard the clacking of a keyboard and her triumphant A-ha! "Alexander Graham Bell apparently said it. When one door closes, another opens-"

"Yes, I've heard that one. But isn't it something about doors and windows?"

She cleared her throat, jokingly annoyed that I'd interrupted. "Not that one. A different one. There's more to it. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Now I'm not saying that you don't see Edward but…" she trailed off, waiting for me to fill in the blank.

"I need to talk to Jasper so that I can move forward." I said it. Out loud.

"See, don't you feel better acknowledging it?"

"Actually, I feel like I might throw up," I half-joked. "But… I do need to talk to him."

"You do. And knowing you, it will take you awhile to get to that point in time so start running through scenarios in your head now, okay? Call me if you need a pep talk… or five."

"I might be calling you a lot."

"That's never a bad thing." I heard Demetri in the background and I could almost visualize Lucy rolling her eyes when she said, "Bella, the future in-laws await. They're already a thorn in my side and we aren't even hitched yet. Or, you know… engaged to be hitched. This doesn't bode well. Remember, high five: to Cullen, from me."

"Okay, Luce." I was giving her short answers since I knew she had to go. And, you know, since I was still a bit freaked about the prospect of talking to Jasper.

"Hey, if you guys get married, does that mean I get to call you Cullen, too? How cute will that be? You have to get married just so I can refer to you as Cullen." It was clear that she didn't want to get off the phone.

"Well, you know I always make my life decisions based on your vocabulary needs." I tried to wrap things up once again, saying our goodbyes.

"As you should. Hey, email me this week at work and let's finally figure out a weekend we are both free so we can get together. Even if it's a few months out. I miss you."

"Goodbye, Lucy," I sang out, finally hanging the phone up after hearing her echoing goodbye.

Work kept me busy during the week and the weekends were filled with fittings, shower preparations, and other wedding odds and ends. It amazed me how much a wedding could take over my life, particularly a wedding that wasn't even mine. Lucy and I emailed about meeting up and finally figured that the next time we were both free was actually a few months after Rosalie and Emmett's wedding. While neither of us were particularly patient people, we knew that with everything we had scheduled, the time would probably go quickly. It had been lately.

Rosalie had tried her best not to "burden" us up to that point, but it was evident that we'd reached the time we were needed. Alice and I kept reminding her that we didn't consider it a burden but Rosalie wasn't buying it; she was used to being independent and in charge of things. Not a Bridezilla, by any means, just someone with clear-cut ideas and definitions in her head of how things should and shouldn't be in regards to her special day. Rosalie and Emmett were hosting their own wedding which gave them the leeway to do what they wanted.

Rosalie's family was mostly thrilled and a tiny bit saddened by her attitude. The Hales were a headstrong bunch, who, in turn, had raised a headstrong daughter. Being that they had raised her in all her headstrongness, they understood and respected the couples' need to run the show.

The other side of the coin, of course, was that they wanted to know what was going on. It was lovingly done but I could see how it was a bit overbearing at times. More than once Alice and I reminded Rosalie that it was better to be cared about too much than not enough. Her family requested that they be able to help with the shower since they weren't assisting with the wedding. How could Alice and I say no to them? You try saying no to a Hale: damn near impossible.

The 'surprise' shower was nearing, which naturally meant that she had a hand in planning it. Rosalie wasn't one for surprises, but since it was the only thing that her family really had any influence over, we pretended that it was a surprise. It was a big circle of playing pretend but it kept the Hale clan happy and we liked happy Hales. Rosalie even insisted on helping with the favor assembly. Alice had to miss the soap stuffing pow-wow, having to attend a baby shower for a sorority sister. The plan was to drop the bagged soaps at her and Jasper's house and she would take care of tying the ribbon on each bag.

"I guess I should have expected the rose-shaped soap, huh?" Rosalie rolled her eyes good-naturedly once I had settled on the floor of the living room. The house looked like a wedding had thrown up in it: tulle, programs, and other random wedding-type stuff lining every empty space. "Naturally they think that since my name is Rosalie that I'm going to carry roses. I hope the fact that I'm carrying lilies won't send them into a tailspin," Rosalie said.

"Oh, they know. It was already discussed last Monday on message thirty-seven of an email," I informed her as I dropped three different colored soaps into the sheer purple bag.

Rosalie frowned. "I hope they aren't driving you too crazy, Bella. Thirty-seven email exchanges with them would drive me over the edge. Then again, little things have been pressing on my nerves lately."

I didn't bother to tell her that it was thirty-seven in only one day, figuring she didn't need the added stress of worrying about me. Shrugging, I continued on with the task at hand and thought of how to change the conversation from her family to something a bit less stressful.

"How are you and Em doing? It seems like the two of you ground one another and keep each other positive amidst the planning craziness." In fact, it was commendable how sane the two of them were being; I wasn't sure how Edward and I would be if and when we ever arrived at our own planning but I hoped we'd mirror the same quiet calmness that Rosalie and Emmett exuded. I knew that theirs was a relationship that couldn't be faked and one that I always hoped mine would have the same qualities.

A soft smile danced on her lips when she thought of him.

"All the anticipation and lead up for this one day… It's just… I can't wait. I've been with Emmett for so long and I know that this is just a formality at this point. I'm looking forward to be married to him but the wedding, at this point, seems like just a day. It's not what defines us, what will define our marriage. We belong to each other. There is no one in this world that I would rather spend every day of my life with. When the planning started to get really crazy, there was a point when we both had to take a step back. He joked that the stress was going to kill him before the wedding even took place." Her eyes became unfocused and her voice dropped to nearly a whisper. "I told him he wasn't allowed to die before me, because there was no way I could survive without him." Looking up, Rosalie shrugged and appeared almost embarrassed. "How's that for strong, independent Rosalie? Romeo and Juliet crap, huh? But… it's true."

I smiled at her admission. It wasn't often I saw this side of Rosalie. It often lurked under the hard-ass exterior and while I knew that she felt this way about Emmett, she didn't say the words out loud all the time. It was good to hear because hearing it meant that much more, the words never lost their meaning.

"Getting ready for the wedding is like Christmas morning for months. The anticipation of the day actually being here, of Emmett and me actually being married, it's just growing every day." She cinched another bag and lobbed it gently into the box. "I mean, I know that daily life won't change. He'll be him and I'll be me; we'll wake up each morning, brush our teeth side by side and get ready for work. But the symbolism, the rings, the knowledge that we'll be bound…" she shrugged her shoulders. "It's just special."

Listening to her speak, I couldn't help but internalize her words, applying them to my own life. Edward and I had been together for years and the next logical step was marriage. When Rosalie spoke of how she felt about Emmett, it reminded me of how I felt about Edward. And once again, I was reminded of Lucy's "say it out loud" speech and my need to find closure with Jasper.

But how exactly could the conversation happen with Jasper? What if he didn't even see the need for a conversation at all? It seemed about eight years too late to begin with, but maybe it didn't mean anything to him. Considering what it obviously meant to me, would I be able to handle it if it was a non-issue to him?

I shook my head, trying to tune back in to what Rosalie was talking about. "… And no 'toilet paper bride' bullshit. Bella, please. I beg of you, don't let that happen. We played it at my cousin's shower and it was just awful. I know that Alice might be swayed, thinking of it as an errant fashion experiment, so you need to be the strong one on this. Just tell them that you can't condone the wastefulness of it, the shame of deforestation or some other eco-babble. Please?"

I let out a snort and nodded, accepting the job of Bella the TP-Bride Slayer. We continued to chat while we finished up the favors and finally, all of the seventy-five bags were filled and ready to go. I stood, stretching limbs which were sore from sitting in one position on the floor for so long. We talked about meeting on Tuesday for dinner since it was long overdue and I texted Alice, asking her where we were meeting.

Nearly immediately, Alice texted back with Get me out of here. Baby overload. Ovaries exploding. And the name of the restaurant we were meeting at that week.

As "penance" for missing the soap stuffing extravaganza, Alice had agreed to tie the ribbons with Rosalie and Emmett's names stamped on them (yet another contribution from Rose's family), saying that her tiny fingers would make quick work of it. I wasn't going to argue with that logic so together Rosalie and I carted the favors to my car so I could drop them at Alice and Jasper's on my way home. Their extra house key dangled from a small keychain with our college's BevKey on it and I said my goodbyes to Rosalie before driving to their house for the drop-off.

The house looked quiet, Alice was still at the bridal shower and Jasper was scheduled to be out with Emmett and Edward, getting fitted for tuxes. I balanced the first box of favors on my hip, fitting the key in the lock. Swinging the door open, I nearly dropped the box when it hit something solid.

A person.

My heart started to race along with my mind, imagining that I had walked in on a robbery in progress, before the logical part of my brain kicked in and looked up to see it was only Jasper.

Only Jasper. Right.

Balancing the box of favors in one arm, I pressed my free hand to my heart, willing it to calm down. Not only was it going crazy because I didn't realize anyone would be home but the fact that it was Jasper nearly was cause for a defibrillator.

"Bella, hey-"

"Jasper. Hi."

My heart kicked into triple-time, racing at the possibility in front of me. It was an opportunity but was it the opportunity? He was here, alone, and I could very well talk to him here and now.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I live here."

Thanks, Captain Obvious. "Right, but… what are you doing here now?" And that's when I actually stopped and took in his appearance. Pajama pants in the middle of the afternoon, old college t-shirt (I think I wore it once during one of our sleepovers, before the big screw-up), slightly red nose. And? Nana's blanket, wrapped around his shoulders. "Oh crap, are you sick?"

"Yeah, I was napping on the couch when I heard your car pull up. I was supposed to be doing the tux thing with the guys but this came out of nowhere. I figure I'll go this week to get measured. When I don't feel like death." He sneezed and grabbed a tissue from the box on the sofa table.

He looked sick and pathetic and not at all up for a heart to heart about my need to close windows and open doors, or whatever Lucy was rambling about. Anyone with half a brain could tell that it wasn't the time.

I knew that this wasn't the time. He wasn't feeling well and I was blindsided by his presence at the house; even though I had eight years to prepare, I still had no idea what I would actually say. I quickly finished bringing the rest of the boxes into the house, chatted briefly for a few more minutes before quietly letting myself out. The conversation had to happen soon.

But not now.

As I walked down the pathway toward my car, I heard the door open behind me again. Slowly I turned, seeing him standing there.

"Was there something else?" He was watching me, expectantly, questioningly.

Is he talking about the shower stuff or does he mean something other than boxes?

I rounded the back of my car to slam the trunk shut. "Nope, that's all of it."

A wind blew my hair around my head, and I pushed it out of my eyes, waving once before I got into my car.

We really had to talk, if for no other reason than so I could stop questioning and reading into everything that came out of his mouth.

Soon.

Thanks for waiting. I apologize for the delay and feel like a major asshole, but to make up for it – two chapters at once? And kisses? And hugs?

A million snuggly blankets Chris, Elle, Boo and my wives, J and J. You light up my life.